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Should I dump my girlfriend?

CasualCasual Wiggle Wiggle Wiggle Flap Flap Flap Registered User regular
edited July 2008 in Help / Advice Forum
Basically about a week ago my girlfriend kissed another guy while out drinking with her friends. To make matters worse this guy was seeing another one of our friends and I specifically told my girlfriend that he was a cheating douche and I disliked him many times prior to this (he broke up the previous relationship of two friends by getting the girl to kiss him). She insisted that he was really a lovely guy (up until this happened) and wouldn't hear criticism against him. I was told that he was the one that kissed her though she didn't stop it.

She didn't even try to lie to me and told me right away, she was in tears because she said she felt guilty and was terrified I'd leave her. To me she does seem genuinely guilty about it and is desperate for me to stay with her but I'm conflicted about the whole thing. On the one hand I did nothing to deserve this at all and prior to this the relationship was good on the other every single person I know is telling me to dump her. As for me I find it difficult to summon up a lot of emotion about it apart from being pissed off it was that specific guy she did this with, I don't seem to care nearly as much about the act as people tell me I should (a fact that worries me).

I just wonder what it means that I'm not angry that I was cheated on. Basically H/A what would you guys do in this situation?

Casual on
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    LewishamLewisham Registered User regular
    edited July 2008
    It is not relevant what your friends think or what we think. It's what you think.

    Not being angry could mean all sorts of things. Could mean you don't care about her, or that you care about her so much you couldn't lose her. Maybe you aren't an angry person. Maybe you've forgiven her. Maybe you think none of it is her fault. It's impossible for us to judge. But it doesn't mean you're wrong for feeling ambivalent.

    It's about what it all means to you. No-one else gets a say on this.

    Don't be rash, think it over, and think it through. You'll find the decision that's right for you. All I would say is that you need to keep her out your face, and maybe tell you friends you don't want to discuss it. It's something that you need to make the right decision on, or you might resent it later. Don't let yourself be swayed by anyone else's opinions.

    Lewisham on
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    AgesAges Registered User regular
    edited July 2008
    Keep her. By her admission, it was this "cheating douche" who initiated the entire thing. Sure, she could be lying to you -- but this guy, this "cheating douche", has done this before with other non-available girls, so it's highly unlikely -- especially if she came to you and told you the truth almost immediately. She regrets what happened sincerely, so I think you should give her another chance.

    Your problem's with the other guy, not her -- you even told us that.

    Ages on
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    MalkorMalkor Registered User regular
    edited July 2008
    Casual wrote: »
    To me she does seem genuinely guilty about it and is desperate for me to stay with her but I'm conflicted about the whole thing. On the one hand I did nothing to deserve this at all and prior to this the relationship was good on the other every single person I know is telling me to dump her. As for me I find it difficult to summon up a lot of emotion about it apart from being pissed off it was that specific guy she did this with, I don't seem to care nearly as much about the act as people tell me I should (a fact that worries me).

    I just wonder what it means that I'm not angry that I was cheated on. Basically H/A what would you guys do in this situation?

    So she's sorry, and wants to stay with you, but people are telling you to dump her buy you don't really care that she kissed the guy except it was some jerk you hate?

    Do you still enjoy being with her? Can you forgive her and move on?

    Malkor on
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    Clint EastwoodClint Eastwood My baby's in there someplace She crawled right inRegistered User regular
    edited July 2008
    If it were me I probably wouldn't break up with her because it certainly sounds like she knows it was a mistake and won't do it again.

    That said, I would probably insist that she not spend time with that guy any more.

    Clint Eastwood on
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    EggyToastEggyToast Jersey CityRegistered User regular
    edited July 2008
    What kind of kiss? A peck on the lips is a bit different from 5 minute tonsil hockey.

    EggyToast on
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    WileyWiley In the dirt.Registered User regular
    edited July 2008
    If you feel like the relationship is valuable then you need to find a way to get around what happened. One way or another you need to talk with her about it instead of ignoring it and giving it a chance to fester in the back of your mind. If the guy is a douche don't dump her just because of him. It kinda sounds like he may like breaking up relationships. In the end, just do what will make you happy.

    Wiley on
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    Seattle ThreadSeattle Thread Registered User regular
    edited July 2008
    They suggest you dump her over a kiss? Sounds pretty fucking retarded to me. If you two can work past it--and many others have worked past much more serious infidelities--then why drop a good thing?

    Seattle Thread on
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    CasualCasual Wiggle Wiggle Wiggle Flap Flap Flap Registered User regular
    edited July 2008
    EggyToast wrote: »
    What kind of kiss? A peck on the lips is a bit different from 5 minute tonsil hockey.

    Apparently it involved tounge and by her own admission it happened more than once.

    I think I can forgive this but not forget it I still enjoy spending time with her but the trust has defiantly taken a severe hit.

    Casual on
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    saggiosaggio Registered User regular
    edited July 2008
    It's just a kiss, man.

    saggio on
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    starmanbrandstarmanbrand Registered User regular
    edited July 2008
    Casual wrote: »
    EggyToast wrote: »
    What kind of kiss? A peck on the lips is a bit different from 5 minute tonsil hockey.

    Apparently it involved tounge and by her own admission it happened more than once.

    I think I can forgive this but not forget it I still enjoy spending time with her but the trust has defiantly taken a severe hit.

    More than once gets the axe.

    Tripping and falling into her mouth is one thing.

    To do it multiple times is another.

    starmanbrand on
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    Durandal InfinityDurandal Infinity Registered User regular
    edited July 2008
    Casual wrote: »
    EggyToast wrote: »
    What kind of kiss? A peck on the lips is a bit different from 5 minute tonsil hockey.

    Apparently it involved tounge and by her own admission it happened more than once.

    I think I can forgive this but not forget it I still enjoy spending time with her but the trust has defiantly taken a severe hit.

    More than once gets the axe.

    Tripping and falling into her mouth is one thing.

    To do it multiple times is another.

    Basically about a week ago my girlfriend kissed another guy while out drinking with her friends.

    What I want to say will get me banned by Violent Chem for sexism. But get rid of the girl, get rid of her, DO NOT take her back, and make sure she knows that she does not fuck around on you.

    Durandal Infinity on
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    VisionOfClarityVisionOfClarity Registered User regular
    edited July 2008
    Call me cynical but if she's done it more than once she'll do it again. Infidelity is something I find absolutely intolerable in a relationship, no matter how small it may seem. How could you ever trust her again after this?

    VisionOfClarity on
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    CasualCasual Wiggle Wiggle Wiggle Flap Flap Flap Registered User regular
    edited July 2008
    Call me cynical but if she's done it more than once she'll do it again. Infidelity is something I find absolutely intolerable in a relationship, no matter how small it may seem. How could you ever trust her again after this?

    By more than once I mean that night she hasn't cheated on me before or since.

    Casual on
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    DaedalusDaedalus Registered User regular
    edited July 2008
    Casual wrote: »
    Call me cynical but if she's done it more than once she'll do it again. Infidelity is something I find absolutely intolerable in a relationship, no matter how small it may seem. How could you ever trust her again after this?

    By more than once I mean that night she hasn't cheated on me before or since.

    Hey, if she immediately ran in tears to you to apologize, just get her to agree not to get drunk around cheating douchebags and move on. I mean, that's what I'd do.

    Daedalus on
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    Durandal InfinityDurandal Infinity Registered User regular
    edited July 2008
    Daedalus wrote: »
    Casual wrote: »
    Call me cynical but if she's done it more than once she'll do it again. Infidelity is something I find absolutely intolerable in a relationship, no matter how small it may seem. How could you ever trust her again after this?

    By more than once I mean that night she hasn't cheated on me before or since.

    Hey, if she immediately ran in tears to you to apologize, just get her to agree not to get drunk around cheating douchebags and move on. I mean, that's what I'd do.

    Does not work like that. You can't just say "no drinking" You dont control this person and it puts alot of judgement into her self control when you ARE not present and she is under the influence of something.

    Durandal Infinity on
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    FellhandFellhand Registered User regular
    edited July 2008
    It seems like you have a problem with it so you should probably break up with her before you try to stay together and it ends up festering in your mind and you just outright resent her.

    Fellhand on
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    DaedalusDaedalus Registered User regular
    edited July 2008
    Daedalus wrote: »
    Casual wrote: »
    Call me cynical but if she's done it more than once she'll do it again. Infidelity is something I find absolutely intolerable in a relationship, no matter how small it may seem. How could you ever trust her again after this?

    By more than once I mean that night she hasn't cheated on me before or since.

    Hey, if she immediately ran in tears to you to apologize, just get her to agree not to get drunk around cheating douchebags and move on. I mean, that's what I'd do.

    Does not work like that. You can't just say "no drinking" You dont control this person and it puts alot of judgement into her self control when you ARE not present and she is under the influence of something.

    Considering your advice was to torpedo the entire relationship over a single minor fuckup that the OP isn't even angry over, I'm not sure that your approach will work either.

    But you're right: don't even bother telling her not to get drunk and lower her defenses around guys anymore, because she's already learned that lesson.

    Look, I've been in the same situation. Worse than the same situation, because alcohol wasn't even involved. My GF was getting a ride home from some guy from work, until then the guy was this "really sweet sensitive guy who just wanted to be friends" etc, etc, and then out of nowhere he kissed her. She freaked out, she told me the next day, and she avoided the guy. I mean, what more can you ask for? She's learned the life lesson that guys who just want to be friends are, in fact, often trying to get into a girl's pants.

    Look, she apologized instantly and you're not even mad. You have other people telling you to be mad and you came here to see if you were missing something. Well, one fuckup doesn't have to end the relationship.

    Daedalus on
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    HenroidHenroid Mexican kicked from Immigration Thread Centrism is Racism :3Registered User regular
    edited July 2008
    My input is that you shouldn't leave her, but make it very clear to her that you're upset about this and wouldn't appreciate it happening again. She had it in her to come to you about it instead of lie (I'm actually a little surprised at your tone when you mentioned that she didn't lie about it, it's almost like you would've perferred it). Additionally, try to put things in perspective. Kissing is a far cry from sleeping with. And she was out drinking. This would probably be a good time to convince her to start cutting back on it, or be more careful who she drinks with.

    Henroid on
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    CrashtardCrashtard Registered User regular
    edited July 2008
    Normally I'm of the "dump her ass and move on" group. However, people just don't think then they are drunk. Someone being super affectionate, combined with someone being drunk, is a bad combination. In this case that guy is mostly to blame. She should probably have known better than to be drunk around someone like that, but like I said; people just don't think. This is one of those cases where she REALLY needs to know that shit like this cannot happen again. Talk to her, make her understand. If it happens again, say bye.

    Crashtard on
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    WootloopsWootloops Registered User regular
    edited July 2008
    If this dude kissed her once, it's annoying but hey, whatever it happens. Once is an accident. More then once, and tongue too? Seems she knew perfectly well what she was doing and with whom.

    You don't need us telling you what you need or don't need to do. You likely already know, and are seeking justification or someone to convince you otherwise.

    Just remember, even if she is genuinely sorry; life needs to have consequences.

    Wootloops on
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    FellhandFellhand Registered User regular
    edited July 2008
    Wootloops wrote: »
    You don't need us telling you what you need or don't need to do. You likely already know, and are seeking justification or someone to convince you otherwise.

    This right here.

    Fellhand on
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    thorpethorpe Registered User regular
    edited July 2008
    Call me cynical but if she's done it more than once she'll do it again. Infidelity is something I find absolutely intolerable in a relationship, no matter how small it may seem. How could you ever trust her again after this?

    I don't want to be a heartless asshole, but these are my feelings on the subject as well. Virtually ever single time I've heard about (or in one unfortunate incident, experienced) somebody's partner commiting an act of infidelity, even if they're left begging for forgiveness in tears, they've ended up going ahead and doing it again at some point.

    thorpe on
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    oldsakoldsak Registered User regular
    edited July 2008
    If you thought there was no getting past this then you wouldn't even be questioning it. You obviously at least partially feel this shouldn't end the relationship. It really comes down to if you're willing to take the risk.

    My own opinion, based on what you've said, is that if she was going to cheat again (at least intentionally) then she probably wouldn't have come straight to you to tell you. It seems like she regrets what happened, wants to learn from it, and move on.

    oldsak on
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    VoroVoro Registered User regular
    edited July 2008
    Casual wrote: »
    while out drinking with her friends.

    You know, assuming they're actually friends, wouldn't they have looked out for her and sent the dude packing if he was taking advantage of her? She needs to find better friends.

    Voro on
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    EggyToastEggyToast Jersey CityRegistered User regular
    edited July 2008
    Yeah, you gotta be kind of an idiot if you think it's OK to just kiss another dude when you're in a committed relationship.

    EggyToast on
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    LailLail Surrey, B.C.Registered User regular
    edited July 2008
    Wootloops wrote: »
    If this dude kissed her once, it's annoying but hey, whatever it happens. Once is an accident. More then once, and tongue too? Seems she knew perfectly well what she was doing and with whom.

    This.

    She got drunk and started having fun. She'll probably forget her mistake before you do. Are you really going to want to sit at home and worry everytime she goes out drinking?

    Lail on
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    GodfatherGodfather Registered User regular
    edited July 2008
    Man i've seen this before.

    An old friend of mine did this to her ex boyfriend before. First it was a drunk kiss, and she ran and immediately apologized for it. The dude brushed it off like it was no big deal and forgave her. Then it was a sloppy make-out session with the same guy (or not, I can't remember). Again, he brushed it off, because she's only human right? Then it was a blow job, and at this point her ex should have dumped her; don't care if she's my friend or not. But no, he let it slide, but barely. The man was not happy to say the least.

    After full-blown sexings the man finally had the balls to break up. She was absolutely devastated, and tried to use my shoulder to cry on, but I for the life of me could not sympathize with her. She had it coming, and I just had to be honest.

    Bit of an extreme example, but there ya go. Personally I see a similar scenario brewing, but I have been wrong before regarding these issues, so take it with a grain of salt.

    Godfather on
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    TrowizillaTrowizilla Registered User regular
    edited July 2008
    She was drunk and did something dumb; not even a major dumb thing, but a minor dumb thing that she apparently immediately regretted and told you about. I'd give her another chance, personally.

    Trowizilla on
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    PreacherPreacher Registered User regular
    edited July 2008
    Well first you said kiss, then you said multiple kisses? So how many seperate kisses were there? Was this a full blown make out session?

    Preacher on
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    KivutarKivutar Registered User regular
    edited July 2008
    Call me cynical but if she's done it more than once she'll do it again. Infidelity is something I find absolutely intolerable in a relationship, no matter how small it may seem. How could you ever trust her again after this?

    That aside, she's your girlfriend and you know her better than any of us will, so do what you like.
    The fact that they apparently kissed more than once would make me considerably less forgiving, personally.

    Kivutar on
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    GavinGavin Registered User regular
    edited July 2008
    Are you going to feel like you got walked on if you don't?

    If you are, I would dump her.

    It's all about how you perceive the relationship post-douche kiss.

    Gavin on
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    DrFrylockDrFrylock Registered User regular
    edited July 2008
    Next.

    DrFrylock on
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    EclecticGrooveEclecticGroove Registered User regular
    edited July 2008
    I don't know you, the guy, or your GF... so advice is obviously limited.

    However... there's 3 ways I could see looking at this.

    The first is obviously that she wanted to do this, but decided to come clean to you before you found out otherwise in an attempt to make herself look good and get away with it.

    The second is that she wanted to do it, but honestly did feel bad about it and probably would not have done it sober, and will not do it again. In which case.. discussions would need to be had on why she did it... but ultimately, just a small msitake. Maybe he's fullfilling an attention need that you just aren't providing at the moment... who knows.

    The last is that she didn't want to do it, but she's a person who is very easily manipulated into situations, or will go along with almost anything to avoid something she sees as unfavorable... People like this tend to be very easy to sway when drunk (I just couldn't say no, etc). In which case actively refusing the kiss would seem like such a socially awkward/unfavorable option to her that she would not do it (at least not when inebriated).
    In that case... it's still a mistake, and no harm was meant you... but would certainly warrant her to review just what types of situations she allows herself to be in.

    And of course, any variation/combination of the above as well.

    You don't seem to be terribly bothered by this other than the "I TOLD you he was bad news" aspect of it... so all in all I'd say you still trust her, you are just annoyed that she didn't heed your advice/warning.

    EclecticGroove on
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    mooshoeporkmooshoepork Registered User regular
    edited July 2008
    She did it more than once, and with tongue as well. I am going to re-iterate what others have said.

    Obviously she knew what she was doing. From what you have said she isn't sorry that she hurt you, she only apologised because she felt bad, and to make herself feel better.

    I'd dump her. If she did it more than once, she will more than likely do it again.

    mooshoepork on
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    Black IceBlack Ice Charlotte, NCRegistered User regular
    edited July 2008
    Lail wrote: »
    Wootloops wrote: »
    If this dude kissed her once, it's annoying but hey, whatever it happens. Once is an accident. More then once, and tongue too? Seems she knew perfectly well what she was doing and with whom.

    This.

    She got drunk and started having fun. She'll probably forget her mistake before you do. Are you really going to want to sit at home and worry everytime she goes out drinking?

    Unless she stops drinking, it doesn't really matter how much she regrets the kiss. If she continues to drink, chances are it'll happen again, or something worse. I'm not saying don't forgive her, just be aware it can - and probably will - happen again.

    Black Ice on
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    KyleWPetersonKyleWPeterson Registered User regular
    edited July 2008
    1) She didn't listen to you in the first place and flat out refused to hear any bad-mouthing about this guy.
    2) Her friends obviously don't have her back or don't like you.
    3) She kissed someone that isn't you.

    I say dump her. No sense putting up with someone like that when there are people in the world who wouldn't do that.

    Kyle

    KyleWPeterson on
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    TechnicalityTechnicality Registered User regular
    edited July 2008
    I was in a not dissimilar situation, but the girl stopped the 'nice' guy. I'm not sure what I would have done had she not.

    I'd say at the very least you probably need a break of a few weeks from eachother, so you both have time to work out on your own if you still want to be together.

    Technicality on
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    QuirkQuirk Registered User regular
    edited July 2008
    Haha, basically this exact same thing happened to me. I forgave and it's never happened again, in fact it's helped my gf deal with drunk guys hitting on her in a much better way, because she knows I'll break up with her if she does anything like it again. In fact she now gets more worried if I'm going out drinking somewhere without her than I do when she goes out, and I know I'd never cheat on her.

    This is really just as a counterpont to the people saying "IT WILL HAPPEN AGAIN BLAH BLAH BLAH"

    Everyone's different, but you know this girl and I dont, maybe she'll do it again and if she does then you get rid of her, but I would let one night of indescretion (which could've been SO MUCH worse) with a complete cockbag go. On top of this, do you really wanna give the guy the satisfaction of breaking up another relationship?

    Quirk on
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    mooshoeporkmooshoepork Registered User regular
    edited July 2008
    It's a trust issue. I can't even imagine doing that kind of thing to my girlfriend or vice versa.

    How long have you been together?

    mooshoepork on
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    CasualCasual Wiggle Wiggle Wiggle Flap Flap Flap Registered User regular
    edited July 2008
    It's a trust issue. I can't even imagine doing that kind of thing to my girlfriend or vice versa.

    How long have you been together?

    About 4 months.

    I'm taking the Trowizilla line at the moment, when it comes down to it I don't think there was malicious intent. She knows if she does it again I WILL find out cause all her friends are friends with me too and if it does happen I'll dump her ass in five seconds and forget about her in the next ten.

    Casual on
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