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Obsessive Girl
Cheerios
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
My story begins about two years ago when I was working a summer job setting up a brand new store near my house. It was a pretty fun job and I made a couple friends, one of them being this girl, whom we'll call S. S and I were working together a lot and we had fun just joking around and trying to kill the boredom. So everything was fine between us until one day she tells me she has a crush on with a close friend with but isn’t sure what to say to him. Now I'm not normally the best person at interpreting women, but this entire conversation S was making it blatantly obvious that I was the friend she was speaking of. Now I had nothing against S, only I knew that she was in a long term relationship with an older guy about 20 years her senior. As well she was living with him and his parents, and her bf's mother even worked in the same store as us. Dating this girl seemed too complicated for it to ever work so I just tried to brush it and give her subtle hints that I’m not interested. Now I thought that this was a done matter until about a week later I get a call from S confessing how she’s in love with me. So I let her down as nicely as possible but tried to make it clear that I wasn’t interested in a relationship. She didn’t take the news lightly and responded with some bs about how she just making it up to test our friendship. I shrugged it off. Whatever she has to tell herself right?
Afterwards things go back to normal; except every once in a while she would throw out hints that she still liked me. So fast forwarding about a month or so, we both got laid off but we still kept in touch and hung out. Everything was fine at first but after a while then our hangouts started to turn really depressing. S would pretty much exclusively talk about her problems such as her neglectful parents, depression, suicide attempts, and fights with her boyfriend (which often turned physical). To make things worse she would often get angry if I wasn’t able to spend time with her and would guilt me into seeing her. At this point I wasn’t really enjoying my time with S but I had a lot of sympathy for her situation. Shortly afterwards she asked me out for a second time and I said a much firmer no and told her if we were still going to be friends I didn’t want her ever asking me again. After this we stopped talking so much and I eventually moved away for school.
So one day I’m in class and I get this email from S saying I was leading her on all this time and that I must have feelings for her. By now I already had a girlfriend who I am very involved with (which S knew about) and I was pretty fed up that she couldn’t just take a hint. So I sent her a long email which basically said that 1. We would never be together and 2. She needs to get psychological help. I felt a little bad about sending such a hostile letter but it had to be done. Afterwards S and I didn’t talk for a while until a couple months ago she sent me an email apologizing for what happened. I figured that she was finally over me so we started hanging out again though not nearly as often. This turned out to be a bad idea because I soon realized nothing had changed and she was more obsessed than ever. At this point I was trying to avoid her, until about two weeks before my birthday she calls me up and tells me she’s sent me a birthday card in the mail. So the next day I look in my mail box and there are 4 cards from her, each with messages like “miss you like crazy stud xoxo love S”. Now this really freaked me out because I felt like she had definitely crossed a line from friend to stalker. I mean common, who sends someone 4 cards with erotic messages 2 weeks before their actually birthday?! So after this I was pretty fed up and I decided it would be for the best to just end all contact with her, until I received this message a few days ago which is making me reconsider. The version I’m posting has all names omitted for privacy.
........................................................................................
hope you are doing well...
I got out of jail a few hours ago... M (boyfriend) and I had a huge fight over B (guy friend of hers). M hacked into my email and read one of the messages I had sent B. He went beserk and attacked me. It was a fucking mess. He hit me so badly that i called the cops. They came and arrested both of us. They were going to charge me with assault cause i scratched M but i told them it was self defense and they let me go without any charges.
So, i can barley walk my legs are cut and bruised so badly. i still have a headache from him punching me non stop on the head. I'm sore, bloody and bruised pretty much everywhere.
I'm moving my stuff out tomorrow.
i miss you and i wish you were here. i'm such a fucking mess right now...
-S
......................................................................................
So my question to H/A is how should I respond to this email? Should I even respond at all? I can’t help but feel sorry for her because she’s been habitually abused but at the same time if I don’t want her to continue obsessing over me. So what should I do?
TL;DR: A girl I know is obsessed over me but I've had trouble breaking off contact out of pity for her unfortunate circumstances. Should I continue helping her or loose contact all together?
Afterwards things go back to normal; except every once in a while she would throw out hints that she still liked me. So fast forwarding about a month or so, we both got laid off but we still kept in touch and hung out. Everything was fine at first but after a while then our hangouts started to turn really depressing. S would pretty much exclusively talk about her problems such as her neglectful parents, depression, suicide attempts, and fights with her boyfriend (which often turned physical). To make things worse she would often get angry if I wasn’t able to spend time with her and would guilt me into seeing her. At this point I wasn’t really enjoying my time with S but I had a lot of sympathy for her situation. Shortly afterwards she asked me out for a second time and I said a much firmer no and told her if we were still going to be friends I didn’t want her ever asking me again. After this we stopped talking so much and I eventually moved away for school.
So one day I’m in class and I get this email from S saying I was leading her on all this time and that I must have feelings for her. By now I already had a girlfriend who I am very involved with (which S knew about) and I was pretty fed up that she couldn’t just take a hint. So I sent her a long email which basically said that 1. We would never be together and 2. She needs to get psychological help. I felt a little bad about sending such a hostile letter but it had to be done. Afterwards S and I didn’t talk for a while until a couple months ago she sent me an email apologizing for what happened. I figured that she was finally over me so we started hanging out again though not nearly as often. This turned out to be a bad idea because I soon realized nothing had changed and she was more obsessed than ever. At this point I was trying to avoid her, until about two weeks before my birthday she calls me up and tells me she’s sent me a birthday card in the mail. So the next day I look in my mail box and there are 4 cards from her, each with messages like “miss you like crazy stud xoxo love S”. Now this really freaked me out because I felt like she had definitely crossed a line from friend to stalker. I mean common, who sends someone 4 cards with erotic messages 2 weeks before their actually birthday?! So after this I was pretty fed up and I decided it would be for the best to just end all contact with her, until I received this message a few days ago which is making me reconsider. The version I’m posting has all names omitted for privacy.
........................................................................................
hope you are doing well...
I got out of jail a few hours ago... M (boyfriend) and I had a huge fight over B (guy friend of hers). M hacked into my email and read one of the messages I had sent B. He went beserk and attacked me. It was a fucking mess. He hit me so badly that i called the cops. They came and arrested both of us. They were going to charge me with assault cause i scratched M but i told them it was self defense and they let me go without any charges.
So, i can barley walk my legs are cut and bruised so badly. i still have a headache from him punching me non stop on the head. I'm sore, bloody and bruised pretty much everywhere.
I'm moving my stuff out tomorrow.
i miss you and i wish you were here. i'm such a fucking mess right now...
-S
......................................................................................
So my question to H/A is how should I respond to this email? Should I even respond at all? I can’t help but feel sorry for her because she’s been habitually abused but at the same time if I don’t want her to continue obsessing over me. So what should I do?
TL;DR: A girl I know is obsessed over me but I've had trouble breaking off contact out of pity for her unfortunate circumstances. Should I continue helping her or loose contact all together?
Cheerios on
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Kyle
That aside, what would you hope to achieve by keeping in contact with her? She would probably still obsess over you, and furthermore, the situation doesn't look too good on her end - and you could potentially (and unwittingly) become a part of that.
I would personally stay out of the situation, but maybe I'm just being harsh. That's what I would suggest, though.
You seriously need to cut this girl out of your life. It's a totally one-way friendship, and that is completely unhealthy. You shouldn't be friends with someone because you pity them. It sounds like she's got a lot of problems and it really sucks, but you can't be responsible for everything bad in her life. She'll almost certainly go back to this guy anyway, and you've already moved on to your own relationship.
She's a toxic friend of the highest order and she needs to handle her own shit at this point. If you keep her in your life the same thing will keep happening. She'll never get over you and it'll never get better. All in my non-professional opinion, of course.
This right here. From what I've observed, people that obsess over other people like this will make up any wild story to get that person's affections.
It is clear from what you're saying that to her, every single word you say to her, every action taken and every second you spend in her presence is leading her on, whether you mean to or not. She is obsessed, has been doing this for years, and it's ever-escalating.
DO NOT RESPOND TO THIS EMAIL IN ANY WAY. IT'S A TRAP.
She needs help, and there's nothing you can do for her. I am completely serious. Do not respond. You've tried being nice and you've tried being mean and you've tried being firm and you've tried being honest, and she just ramps it up. This time, just don't respond. You don't need to be hanging out with this person ever, you have a girlfriend (who would probably worry), and you don't even like spending time with her.
If you get an email, don't respond. If you get a text, don't read it. If you get something in the mail, throw it out. If you get a phone call, don't pick it up. There's no room left for being gentle and there's nothing else you can tell her. She will get over it - but not if you keep responding.
It's a shame about her boyfriend. You feel bad. You want to help. But really, you can't. You don't want to get involved, and you REALLY don't want him involved, so your best bet is to recognize that cutting her off completely is the only way to get away.
This.
Ignore her ignore her ignore her.
Well, maybe 911 to let them know that someone has threatened suicide on your lawn, and only because it's illegal not to try to stop it, but you get the idea. You really need to be firm on this.
Either way, don't contact her directly AT ALL.
Trust me, ignore her completely, and eventually she'll go away.
Also make sure the GF knows what is going on, because she may very well turn to her and start with the "he's coming on to me/we are sleeping together/I'm having his baby" etc and she might fall for it if she isn't 100% on the whole situation.
^^ That.
NightDragon - Judging by her previous history I'm pretty much certain that she's not just faking it for the attention, but I wouldn't rule it out as a possibility. In the end I guess it doesn't matter either way.
Trowizilla - I'm 19, she's 21, her bf is in his 40's.
MrIamMe - My gf is aware of the situation. At first she just slightly uncomfortable that I still kept in contact with this girl but understood my reasoning. That changed after the whole b-day card incident and her stance shifted from sympathetic to this bitch has got to go.
In all honestly, I think I've known for a long time that keeping in contact was a bad idea but I always felt too guilty to completely ignore her. I think reading some of these comments has helped me to realize that she isn't my responsibility and continuing to see her would only reinforce her delusional fantasies. I've decided not to speak with her anymore so today I deleted her messages, blocked her email address, and removed her from facebook. The only problem is that my home phone (I don't have a cell) doesn't have caller ID so when she calls me to ask why I haven't been responding to her msgs I won't be able to avoid picking up. When she calls what should I say to her? Or should I send her a msg in advance telling her that I don't want any future contact?
Limed for holyshitredflag.
I've been in a similar situation in which I was more the obsessive one. It took me a while to realize, but it became concrete in my head that she kept talking to me after she said she was "done" (or whatever, long story)...that this bitch was still trying to be my friend after all the pain she'd caused me. Add on top of that I've never been thanked once for being her emotional toy while she came down off of drugs (something I was completely oblivious of until she told me when she decided I had outlived my usefulness [more or less] when she broke up with me). There's more, but I won't go into it.
This girl of yours falls into the same genus if not the same species of Mulieres Insanum that mine does. There's no action necessary. Just stop talking. You fell off the face of the earth. You do not exist. Ever.
limed for truth
stay the fuck away from this crazy person. At most, find some numbers/addresses of shelters for abused women and offer them up when you say you're severing contact but hope that her life gets better.
S,
These people can help you better then I:
http://www.ndvh.org/
-Cheerios
Then just cut off communication like you previously had done. Heaven forbid your current gf finds one of those stalker b-day cards and is like "WTF IS THIS?!?" yea that would suck.
Edit: Good grief, I just researched domestic violence help at work...I'm sure HR will be calling me soon lol.