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Ah - Help.
DirtyDirtyVagrant
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
I need to talk to someone. Like...right now. Because I'm at the end of my rope. Gripping the frayed strands between thumb and forefinger, dangling over the edge of the abyss, fucking end of my rope. Is there like a number I can call? Or something? Or someone I can write to, or...you know, anything?
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1-800-784-2433
1-800-273-8255
Otherwise we're here to rant to, but I'd recomend a national or local service over some Intertube nerds.
I'd love to rant. But it'll come out whiny and emotional, and then someone will call me on it, and I'll kill somebody. So it's just a bad idea all around.
steam | Dokkan: 868846562
Shit, we're more likely to side with a poster than some other party.
Whatever's going on with you needs a release, and H/A is as good as anywhere
In the past I've been lazy. I fucked around in high school, I got a kick-ass ACT score, got into college without a problem, and then I basically blew that out of my ass. I didn't want to work. I wanted to play videogames and hang out with friends.
My relationship with my parents was tensed to the limit, but one day my dad got a call about my grandmother. When he got off the phone he asked me if I'd be willing to go and stay with her for a while. Basically just to kind of help her around the house until she gained her strength back. A few weeks turned into a few months, a few months turned into a year, and it got to the point where I was helping my grandmother go to the bathroom. She developed a blood clot then, and from there things only got worse. She required constant supervision, so this is a big gap in my work history (which we'll get to later). It got to the point where I couldn't help her. So we were left no choice but to put her in a facility. I'm pretty sure most of that side of the family blames me for this. So she's in this facility, progressively getting worse and worse. Doesn't even know who we are anymore, and I'm in her house, taking care of her dog. Despite my best efforts to find employment in this small town, there's only a car dealership and a bank and a mom and pop grocery store, so a couple of months later I have to leave.
Into my aunt's house I go. I get a job almost immediately at a bar across the street, and then I start college again. The experience with my grandma put my head straight the fuck into perspective, and things are looking good. And then...! My college refuses to allow me financial aid past my first term because it would be 'irresponsible' of them to do so (Unsubsidized loans for the win), and shortly after that, the bar I'm working at goes under.
Back to square one. And then my grandma dies. Now I'm living with my aunt and my half sister. My half sister who isn't allowed to know about me or my family, even though I live with her and they live a block away. Great kid. Smart. But her mother treats her like crap and she misses on average a third of her school days. Eventually my anger at the situation comes to a head and I end up homeless again.
Parents take me in for a month or two. I get a job downtown, move into a room down here, things are looking up. Got about $1,000 in the bank, doing just fine. The plan is to go to college again when I'm 25 so I can't be denied loans. But uh oh. The company I work for just lost the contract because my coworkers cant stop snatching people's Ipods and laptops. I walk in one day and security is like "sorry, you don't work here any more."
Oh. Well, okay. Fine. I have a few months rent in the bank. I'll find something else.
Except I haven't found something else, despite weeks and months of searching, internet ads, word of mouth, newspaper listings, referrals, staffing firms. The only thing I've found is a way to work one day at a time. Which is just enough to pay my rent if I get lucky.
My search culminated yesterday with a position that I was sure I had nailed. Went in there with a smile, a shiny new resume, and the firmest handshake that ever was. When I left there I had a good feeling. I got my hopes way too high, because the next day (yesterday) I was told that the position went to someone else because I didn't show enough enthusiasm.
...
I haven't given up. I'm onto other things, but all of that is getting very frustrating. Meanwhile my dad is paying my rent. I love my dad. He's a great guy, and he's always helping me out. Except my stepmom would sooner see me under a bridge than let him pay my rent. So he does it behind her back. It puts a strain on his marriage, it costs him money that I don't want him to spend on me, and it really gets in the way of me forming the kind of relationship I'd like to have with him. I don't want him spending his money on me. Put it in the bank. He's blind in one eye and losing sight in the other. He's had part of his colon removed and has serious gastro-intestinal issues, sometimes choking up food or drink because he cant swallow it. It happens randomly. My dad works all the time. At his job and on his home. My stepmom doesn't lift a goddamn finger around the house.
What I'm really worried about is that my dad will be blind or will die before he can retire. I'd really just like to see him relax. Take a breather.
The entire time this is going on, I'm coming to the realization that I'm either gay or damn close to it. I'm not sure how my family will react. Or even if I want to tell them. My uncles are the kind of guys who if they knew, I would not feel safe around them. I'm not sure about my dad. He strikes me as far more intelligent than that, but history has shown intelligence to have little bearing on decency.
I have my own issues with myself, too. Will I ever be attractive? I'm losing weight, but will this loose skin go away or will I have flaps? I want more than a lot of things to grow my hair out. But is it just too thin? Will I ever find anyone?
I know I'm not the only person like me. But the damndest thing is, I can't find anyone else even remotely similar. So I can't help but feel alone in everything.
None of it is your fault, and don't worry about your self image (with the skin flaps, that doesn't happen unless you get lipo). I suggest just paying your dad back once you do get back on your feet, it'll probably mean the world to him. As for getting a job? Yeah shit is tough, right now especially. I do hope it works out for you, let us know.
Second: you are going through some pretty intense things. It is normal to feel overwhelmed. Do not despair, have confidence that things will get better. Keep trying and keep applying to jobs. Just keep it up and do not get down on yourself. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Exhaust every job opportunity you possibly can within an hour's radius of you.
Third: Sometimes what some people need is a fresh start. If you can get some sort of job or some money together, maybe even get yourself a loan, I would consider maybe moving to a place with better job prospects? It sounds like the stepmom situation and you feeling guilty for your dad is dragging you further and further down. But moving is hard to do without money, so this might not be possible.
You will be okay. You have your life. You can do anything.
I would compare my personal stories to yours, except you've had it much harder then I ever did.
Job wise, there might be some sort of job placement agency you could talk to. I guess the best thing to do though is walk into every retail and fast food place nearby with a confident smile and try to talk your way into a job or at least give them your resume. The pay might be shitty but its better then nothing, and it can keep you going short term till you find something better.
I know job searches are soul-destroying. You just have to push through it. Don't take not being hired somewhere personally.
I've gotten 2 jobs where the interview was a formality because someone I knew recommended me. Sometimes the person recommending you even gets a kick-back if you stay 6 months. If you have contact info hit up anyone you know from high school or university. Even if they aren't friends they might do it just for the kick back.
Figuring out who you are can be tough, but trust me, there are lots of lonely confused people out there. We constantly see supermodels of both sexes on TV, but that isn't a realistic standard for looks. If you're a reasonable person with a sense of humor you will do fine finding friends/lovers, don't give up. You just have to be confident and talk to people, ask for numbers. Sorting out your job situation will definitely help confidence wise.
I'm sorry to hear about you grandmother. It wasn't fair of your family to make you look after her full time and it is complete bullshit that they blame you for her getting sicker. Old people get older and sicker and eventually die, thats is not your fault, it is just the way things are.
This is exactly what I was thinking. DDV, you're carrying around all this emotional baggage that's bringing you down. You shouldn't have had to look after you grandmother, and you shouldn't have got "blamed" for her being in a home (guess what, you're allowed your own life too. That's why care homes exist). You've been essentially couch-surfing around your family, which isn't helping you continue your life, and just loading up on more and more relationships to become strained and difficult.
You screwed up when you came back from college the first time (as you know, can't be changed now), because you got dragged back into your family and all the issues around that, and because you're Mr. No Work you became the family dogsbody, and its a thankless job. It's happened in a much smaller extent to my gf, and I fucking hate that her family use her that way.
It sounds to me you need to cut loose, maybe even change states to make sure there really is distance between you, and begin your life. I would do everything in your power to find money to get out and head for The City. You can try to start things fresh, and live a life that revolves around you and what you want and need, not what your family tell you to do.
EDIT: Note how your sexuality has nothing to do with your current problems, but a change of scenery and the people that surround you will help you to feel accepted. Once you're around people and in a situation that makes you feel safe and normal, then tackle discussing it with your family.
It happens that I'm working on a novel...and I thought about the newspaper, but I just couldn't quite wrap my head around it. I couldn't see what was missing - where I would fit in.
Which magazine could I write short stories for?
edit: http://forums.penny-arcade.com/showthread.php?t=63325
2. You seem talented and intelligent.
3. You need to get the fuck out of dodge.
As for the newspaper: are you a flexible writer? As in, if someone told you to go write about, say, a spate of vandalism at the local dog show, could you turn that into a story? Newspaper writing isn't technically hard and the style is pretty easy to get used to, so if there's some local rags around, go talk to them about getting hired on as an assistant, copy-editor, whatever. Papers always need more people to do the general, non-flashy work.
Short stories for magazines don't pay very well, but if you're looking to get published, they're a pretty good start. Be prepared for lots and lots and lots of rejection letters. Don't take them personally; it may be that whoever read your story really liked it, but it just didn't fit a fairly narrow theme for the magazine.
Not sure what to suggest for jobs, other than check out any temp agencies or if there's any city/county services in your area that can help.
This is absurd. You went above and beyond the call of familial duty, and people just get old and get sick, so that caretaking becomes a full time job for trained professionals. I'd guess that if your family really does blame you in any way, it's just a coping mechanism- certainly not a reflection of any true blame.
I'd consider the whole ordeal a reflection of strength of character, rather than a failure of any kind.
As for the job seach- what location are we looking at here? If you're around central/north jersey, I might be able to put in a good word at the valet parking place I work. It's mostly a weekend kinda job, and the pay varies with how good the tips are that night (8 to 12 an hour, generally), but it's something.
- Move, preferably a couple hours away to a young, hip area in a city. What you have left in the area is some incredibly difficult relationships that will probably improve with a little time and distance. If you have any networks of high school or college friends in nearby cities, maybe you can lean on them for a little help getting settled.
- Take any job, hopefully there are more options in the city. Perhaps you could go to temp agencies or employment agencies or your former college's placement office? Have you picked a major out in college?
- Restart college within a year or two - not just to get your life on track, but also because it's a pretty easy way to get a solid social life running. Can you go to student loan agencies, government loans, transfer to a college where it'll be cheaper? I guess your stepmom is making things tough, but no loans or help from your parents? Even for college?
- Figure out the sexuality and family stuff later. I think you'll be much better off having any conversations you need to have from a position of strength.
You sound noble and industrious. I can tell because you took care of your grandmother (something most folks wouldn't have done) and because you always hunt for a job right away when someone lets you live with them.
I don't get why your mom wouldn't like you, you don't sound lazy at all and you helped them out by taking care of your grandma.
I made a TD for iphone and windows phone!
Work - Temp Work or Data Entry is available almost everywhere and you seem smart enough to do way more than that. The jobs are a bit depressing but trust me, not nearly so much as retail or food service. Pizza Delivery is an option too, (If you have a car), you can make decent money that way and the hours are flexible, until you find something better. The important thing is to be financially stable right now.
Family - Fuck them. You took care of your grandmother for a year, you're a goddamn saint for stepping up and agreeing to help that way. As for your dad, he's doing what good dads do, watching out for his kid. Being a man sucks sometimes, but being a father isn't easy. Learn from him.
School - Sounds like you are a casualty of all the troubles in the loan market. Nothing you could have done here man, you got fucked by society. (more specifically, stupid people)
Gay or whatever - *HUG* Hang in there man, it gets better. And as for your dad, you may not be able to tell him yet, but he obviously loves you enough to go behind the back of your terrible-sounding stepmom. Any parent who loves their kid that much is too good to let that come between them and their child.
And remember all this for a book someday. Oprah will eat this shit up.
The harder the rain, honey, the sweeter the sun.
AND you get paid pretty good.
Actually, if you want to become a nurse Alberta is pretty much paying for people to go to school if they agree to be a nurse here for a certain number of years afterwards. No loans, just straight up you don't have to pay them back.
I made a TD for iphone and windows phone!
I'm sure I could go on for pages about anything.
I don't know much about Canada other than 'it's colder there,' but I have considered possibly wanting to move there on more than one occasion.
In Iowa. The central midwest.
Everything else aside, I'd like to pause and say thanks to everyone right now. I really appreciate it.
You need to fucking move.
Seriously.
Maybe. But at what cost? If you're going to move from one state to the next, what's the cheapest way to do it? I have student loans here. And traffic fines. (a bit that I forgot - I knew I would forget some stuff) annnnd restitution. (again...oops)
I will just say that while I was living with my aunt she forced me to drive her car (threatened me with sleeping outside) to drop off her 15 day-late rent. And then on my way back, in an uncontrolled intersection, a black truck pulled out in front of me and I clipped his rear.
My aunt neglected to tell me that she did not have insurance. So $500 there. Plus $100 for just hitting the guy (Yay for tacking on unnecessary fines). And then $3,100 for damages to the guy's truck. All on me.
It's come up that I might possibly be able to duck the damages if I can find the accident report and prove that it was the other guy's fault, but the tickets are probably going to be sticking.
See... it's this shit that is exactly why you need to get out.
The way I see it, you have three options available to you:
a) You load up and do two shit jobs, one day, one night, to get cash saved so you can move and find a job while in the Twin Cities.
b) You find a job by distance in the Twin Cities.
c) You ask your Dad for a loan until you find a job in the Twin Cities.
Personally, I think the college ship has sailed, but others might not.
It's not going to be easy, but your life is not exactly sunshine and daisies right now. You need to knuckle down for maybe six months, and then pack your bags and get the hell out. The longer you stay, the more your life is going to be sapped away from you. You need a goal, and you need to work hard towards it.
I just moved (back) to the area myself, so if you are looking for where to find cheap apartments in not-shit neighborhoods I can lend a hand.
On another note I've contacted legal aid. With a message. So they should be getting back to me. If there was some way I could talk to an attorney from around here...I had a friend in high school who went on to law, but I lost touch with him. Heh...all the other ones, too. So I won't be getting a number from a friend of a friend.
Edit: Here's a question. Would writing a short story for a ahh...adult themed publication cheapen me as a writer? I mean later down the line when I'm sitting on Oprah's couch is she going to be like...pissed off? (Somebody else's idea. Not mine)
Another Edit:
That would be most helpful. In the future.
No. Tons of famous people wrote for playboy.