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It's my party and I'll [girl thread] if I want to (RESOLVED)
JustPlainPavek
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
I am not proud.
So, my birthday is coming up and I'm planning on having a party. I've recently changed jobs and cities so I'm still building up a social circle here, but I'm planning on inviting maybe 20 people to the thing, about half friends from work and half from other venues. None of them are super-close friends as of yet, but I at least see them on a regular basis.
Right now I'm debating the wisdom of inviting a certain girl from work to this thing. She works in a separate department from me so I don't see her very regularly, but we both got hired at the same time and have run into each other on enough occasions that we can chat friendly in the break room and all that. She is cute and nice to talk with. She has a boyfriend, though, and I have no desire to intrude on that or torture myself over it, so I'm resolved to not go all Jim Halpert on her.
Still, like I said she seems nice, and I'm thinking about inviting her (and her boyfriend, presumably; guests are welcome but I've never met him) to this party. I'd like to get to know her a little better — we have not hung out in any other context, and right now our meetings are mostly still random events — since she seems like more of a fit to my personality than several other coworkers I associate more closely with. Since I still have few friends I can socialize with outside of work settings, period, I feel like it's worth sublimating whatever interest I have on the chance of developing a friendship; but I'd probably be lying to myself if I didn't say the initial attraction had something to do with that.
So I submit it to you, H/A: good idea, bad idea, or the worst idea?
tl;dr: Kinda like a girl at work, have to accept it will only be platonic at best, should I invite to a party Y/N?
So, my birthday is coming up and I'm planning on having a party. I've recently changed jobs and cities so I'm still building up a social circle here, but I'm planning on inviting maybe 20 people to the thing, about half friends from work and half from other venues. None of them are super-close friends as of yet, but I at least see them on a regular basis.
Right now I'm debating the wisdom of inviting a certain girl from work to this thing. She works in a separate department from me so I don't see her very regularly, but we both got hired at the same time and have run into each other on enough occasions that we can chat friendly in the break room and all that. She is cute and nice to talk with. She has a boyfriend, though, and I have no desire to intrude on that or torture myself over it, so I'm resolved to not go all Jim Halpert on her.
Still, like I said she seems nice, and I'm thinking about inviting her (and her boyfriend, presumably; guests are welcome but I've never met him) to this party. I'd like to get to know her a little better — we have not hung out in any other context, and right now our meetings are mostly still random events — since she seems like more of a fit to my personality than several other coworkers I associate more closely with. Since I still have few friends I can socialize with outside of work settings, period, I feel like it's worth sublimating whatever interest I have on the chance of developing a friendship; but I'd probably be lying to myself if I didn't say the initial attraction had something to do with that.
So I submit it to you, H/A: good idea, bad idea, or the worst idea?
tl;dr: Kinda like a girl at work, have to accept it will only be platonic at best, should I invite to a party Y/N?
JustPlainPavek on
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I would probably phrase the invite to include the bf somehow though, it may help avoid uneccessary awkwardness.
"Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored. "
-Aldous Huxley
When I organized stuff at work, I just threw every name I could think of in the To: box of an email. That way nobody felt singled out or pressured into going/not-going. I mean if you really, really want her there specifically then this is probably not the best tactic. But if you want to invite her along with everyone else without feeling weird, I would just put an email out there with all the invitees publicly visible.
However, personally i question your motives in inviting this girl. You clearly have some kind of thing for her. You recognise that you cant take it beyond friendship, but you seem to want to imply that you'd like to do so, at some point.
I dunno... i mean, there doesnt seem to be any real harm in inviting her. I just think you're setting yourself up to be chasing after a girl who's already seeing someone, and you'd be better off investing your energy elsewhere. I think the whole thing is a bit of a red herring, i'd bet that its your attraction that is clouding your judgement here.
This is exactly why you should invite her. I can't tell you how many times I've watched friends of mine who are already either getting bored or irritated with a guy switch to a new guy they met while still dating their old boyfriend. They were just stuck with the "well it's better than nothing" deal. I am NOT saying invite her and hit on her. But there's nothing wrong with making a new friend, and you can't just never invite non-single girls to anything. And down the road you might just get lucky.
PSN: TheScrublet
Now, if you're the sort of person who's going to obsess over her, don't invite her. Hopefully you're not that sort of person anyway, though.
Oh, I am questioning my own motives here as well, I assure you, which is why I'm seeking advice from the collective wisdom of the internet. I really don't want to put myself into some obsessive spiral over this. I really don't want to find myself hovering vulture-like over her current relationship (which as far as I know is pretty strong, given that they're living together). I just haven't had a ton of luck making connections, platonic or otherwise, with people since moving here. So my debate is whether to cut off any chance of temptation by not inviting her and keeping this an exclusively professional-world relationship, or trust in my ability to keep my head on straight and see if I can expand my social circle by one (or two, if the boyfriend ends up being cool?) here.
I think you should just be cool. Invite everyone including her. Don't expect half of them to show up. Don't expect her to show up. You're trying to jam two things together that you can't actually jam together, except awkwardly: your birthday party and her attendance at your birthday party. I'd be like attaching a flashlight to a dildo with duct tape; it's awkward. And kind of useless. The best thing to do here is to just treat her like anyone else and, if you're really cool with being her platonic friend, don't wrap yourself up in what she does and whether or not she comes to your party.
When I had one birthday party at work, I threw about fifty people on the invite including some girls I wanted to get to know better. About half of those people came and only one of three girls I was really interested in talking to came. Oh and about 25 people I didn't invite came. One of the two that didn't come ended up being one of my best friends for awhile. We don't talk anymore, but that's a wholly different story (not involving romance, either, just tangential to this). Anyway, my point is, as far as parties go, it's better just to be cool. I'm not saying you need to play games. Don't act aloof for the sake of acting. But don't get crazy either. You're overthinking it. If your workplace would allow that kind of invite - mass email - just put her on it somewhere amid the mass of email addresses and hope for the best and be prepared for her not showing up, and don't get insulted if she doesn't.
Much of socialization is just random, especially in a workplace. You can't really force things most of the time. Sometimes they work out the way you want and sometimes they don't. And yes sometimes you can maneuver things in the direction you want them to go. But slight nudges, not shoves. Appending her to a mailing or giving a passing oral invite is a nudge. I wouldn't recommend any more than that but I would also recommend not worrying about it too much. See, what I've found is that people pick up on "worry" and it's a big red flag. And this is not a sexual thing or anything and isn't gender specific. People pick up on worry and it's a little unsettling. Doesn't matter if you're a guy talking to a guy, guy talking to a girl, girl talking to a guy, or girl talking to a girl, hinging your emotion or whatever on someone specific's response to your invite is going to be picked up on and it's probably not going to go the way you want, especially if they already have another strong relationship or a tight social circle.
So just be easy.
Now, the fairest thing to the both of you would be for you to first examine your motives. Are you capable of a platonic relationship with her? Are you just deluding yourself into thinking you can be platonic? You can be comfortable around her and still have thoughts of taking it further. This isn't exactly healthy. In some cases it can poison your relationship, and that wouldn't be firm ground to begin a friendship on. For instance, her boyfriend could be a really nice guy, but because of your clandestine interest your perception could be clouded and you'd shit on him around her, corrupting her view of him. Or perhaps you begin to interpret slight friendly interactions as overtures? You get the picture.
Basically for your mental health make sure you are ok with being a friend and only a friend before you become friends with this gal. There are always success stories about taking the girl away etc., but for the most part people are happy in their current relationship. A good guideline would be to imagine how you'd feel if someone did the same to your gal? If you'd be uncomfortable with any exchange you're making if the shoe were on the other foot, then you probably should not make it.
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Ok, i think you're answer here is pretty cool. I think if you can hold up that attitude, then you'll be fine. Your OP just really sounded like you were planning something a little more sinister
Its fine to be attracted to someone who isnt single and still be friends. Personally, i think the line is crossed when you start putting on the moves or undermining the relationship, but not everyone feels the same way. But yeah, as long as you dont pine for the day that she realizes you are the one, and hold yourself out for that day, then sure, why not strike up a friendship.
a) the OP is probably prone to that kind of thing
and
b) obsession is already underway, probably won't end anyttime soon?
Oh, anyway, send her the e-mail, hope she doesn't come. Alternately, come on to her really strong, making her reject you. Much healthier than trying to be best friends with her, which is just suicidal.