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Return of the way too long Girl Thread!
Death of Rats
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
I'm crazy. Like, I think I might actually need some deep therapy. I'm 23, I've never been in a real relationship, I have all lot of social anxiety problems, and I'm poor as all fuck. I very recently moved to Wisconsin, and really I'm not on my own two feet yet.
For the past 5 years I've kinda put the whole getting into a relationship thing on hold, mainly because I never felt I either met the right person, or was ready for one. But recently I've figured out that that's not going to cut it. That if I kept doing what I'm doing I'd just end up alone at the end of it all.
So since I've moved I've been using OKcupid to go out on dates with girls. Most if not all of them didn't really go too well, but that's ok, I was just using it to get myself used to the whole idea. But my roommates (lets call them Eric and Tim) have introduced me to someone who I think I may actually like.
Last weekend Eric asked me if I wanted to go see Hellboy II with one of his coworkers and him. We went, me and this girl didn't talk at all, and me and Eric went home. Then that night we had a party, and this girl (lets call her Jen) came. We hung out, talked a little bit. According to my roommates and some mutual friends of Eric and Jen, there were "sparks". Jen told one of her girlfriends I was cute and cool and stuff.
Anyway, the point is that I like this girl, and there's a very good possibility she likes me.
So thursday night we have a get together with me, Eric, Jen, and her friend. I get off of work at midnight, we all watch batman begins, and then we hang out. But there's a problem. As I mentioned before I have social anxiety issues, I get really shy around people I don't know well. I don't talk. And unlike the weekend before I don't drink, so I don't relax any. So basically I spend the night not talking and being awkward. I was going to ask her to see TDK the next day that night, but I chicken out and don't do it. I figure I can just text her the next day, play off the whole thing like I was being tired, and then deal with my anxiety at the movie better.
Anyway, the next day I text her. I decide to go get the tickets before I get an answer (mainly because they were selling out like crazy). But there's a problem, I don't end up getting a response. At all. So I have Eric (who was working with her that day) kinda ask some question to see what was going on. He basically asks her if she was going to see TDK, and she said she was going the next day with some friends. He asks is she wasn't going to see it that night, and she just mumbles.
Me and Eric take this as she was turned off by me not talking the night before, and that she was just not going to respond. Eric tells me she's not the most socially adept person in the world either, and that she may not know how to respond in a negative manner.
So I spend the day kinda freaking out, feeling sorry for myself, and then go get refunds on the tickets. The next day me and Eric go see the movie, and talk about the whole thing. We both think of the same possibility at the same time, maybe I didn't text the right number. Maybe I entered it into my phone incorrectly. I check, and that was the case. So later yesterday night I text Jen and tell her how I got her number, who I was, and asked if she wanted to hear a story.
Almost imediately she calls me and I tell her what happened. She kinda laughs at the whole thing and says she'll see me around, but that she just got out of seeing the movie herself.
So... now for the help/advice part of this. Basically I know this girl likes me to some degree. I like her to some degree, and now she knows that. How does a socially awkward person with anxiety issues who is rather introverted proceed from here? I mean, pretty much the ball is in my court. I don't have enough money to go out and do something, and I'm afraid that if I ask her to come over and hang out I may be as quiet as I was before.
The only thing I can think of is to ask her over, watch something funny, and possibly drink some. I'm just at a loss here. It'd be so much easier if I had some money before friday, but I feel that waiting until then might be waiting too long.
TLDR: I like a girl, she more than likely likes me, and she knows I like her. I'm socially awkward, shy, and have anxiety issues. She is shy herself. What would be a good, free way to move this along that has the least chances of turning into a disaster?
For the past 5 years I've kinda put the whole getting into a relationship thing on hold, mainly because I never felt I either met the right person, or was ready for one. But recently I've figured out that that's not going to cut it. That if I kept doing what I'm doing I'd just end up alone at the end of it all.
So since I've moved I've been using OKcupid to go out on dates with girls. Most if not all of them didn't really go too well, but that's ok, I was just using it to get myself used to the whole idea. But my roommates (lets call them Eric and Tim) have introduced me to someone who I think I may actually like.
Last weekend Eric asked me if I wanted to go see Hellboy II with one of his coworkers and him. We went, me and this girl didn't talk at all, and me and Eric went home. Then that night we had a party, and this girl (lets call her Jen) came. We hung out, talked a little bit. According to my roommates and some mutual friends of Eric and Jen, there were "sparks". Jen told one of her girlfriends I was cute and cool and stuff.
Anyway, the point is that I like this girl, and there's a very good possibility she likes me.
So thursday night we have a get together with me, Eric, Jen, and her friend. I get off of work at midnight, we all watch batman begins, and then we hang out. But there's a problem. As I mentioned before I have social anxiety issues, I get really shy around people I don't know well. I don't talk. And unlike the weekend before I don't drink, so I don't relax any. So basically I spend the night not talking and being awkward. I was going to ask her to see TDK the next day that night, but I chicken out and don't do it. I figure I can just text her the next day, play off the whole thing like I was being tired, and then deal with my anxiety at the movie better.
Anyway, the next day I text her. I decide to go get the tickets before I get an answer (mainly because they were selling out like crazy). But there's a problem, I don't end up getting a response. At all. So I have Eric (who was working with her that day) kinda ask some question to see what was going on. He basically asks her if she was going to see TDK, and she said she was going the next day with some friends. He asks is she wasn't going to see it that night, and she just mumbles.
Me and Eric take this as she was turned off by me not talking the night before, and that she was just not going to respond. Eric tells me she's not the most socially adept person in the world either, and that she may not know how to respond in a negative manner.
So I spend the day kinda freaking out, feeling sorry for myself, and then go get refunds on the tickets. The next day me and Eric go see the movie, and talk about the whole thing. We both think of the same possibility at the same time, maybe I didn't text the right number. Maybe I entered it into my phone incorrectly. I check, and that was the case. So later yesterday night I text Jen and tell her how I got her number, who I was, and asked if she wanted to hear a story.
Almost imediately she calls me and I tell her what happened. She kinda laughs at the whole thing and says she'll see me around, but that she just got out of seeing the movie herself.
So... now for the help/advice part of this. Basically I know this girl likes me to some degree. I like her to some degree, and now she knows that. How does a socially awkward person with anxiety issues who is rather introverted proceed from here? I mean, pretty much the ball is in my court. I don't have enough money to go out and do something, and I'm afraid that if I ask her to come over and hang out I may be as quiet as I was before.
The only thing I can think of is to ask her over, watch something funny, and possibly drink some. I'm just at a loss here. It'd be so much easier if I had some money before friday, but I feel that waiting until then might be waiting too long.
TLDR: I like a girl, she more than likely likes me, and she knows I like her. I'm socially awkward, shy, and have anxiety issues. She is shy herself. What would be a good, free way to move this along that has the least chances of turning into a disaster?
No I don't.
Death of Rats on
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Secondly, it sounds like you're doing OK. It was a good move to tell her about the cell no. mix up and be able to laugh about it. It's REALLY easy to fall into the trap of letting your mind run around in circles when it comes to 'why hasn't she texted back?!' and always reassuring when there's a simple explanation.
Advice:
Don't think about things too much. Just try and be relaxed. You're both meant to be having fun and enjoying each others' company; there's no need to complicate things beyond that for the time being.
Have some booze if it helps, but don't get wrecked.
Be candid about the fact you can be socially awkward but don't be depressing or desperate.
If you (or even her) find it difficult to talk sometimes and conversations are prone to having 'awkward silences', then prepare a mental list of easy questions to use if needed: How does she find her job? Any plans to travel? What did you study in school? If you could choose any superpower, what would it be? But be natural and playful; don't make it sound like a job interview.
Finally, when you are nervous (for instance, about asking a girl out) it is life's way of telling you DO IT! You should do something that scares you every day. Confidence IS something that can be learned.
Looking back to the 19 year old me, I cannot believe how shy I used to be. I'm settled down with my girlfriend now (bought a house etc.) but back when I was single, once I had learned how to be natural and confident, I used to LOVE dating. Once you've done it enough, it's really no big deal and you realise that it's MEANT to be fun... not terrifying.
You'll get there.
Hope that helps, Good luck!
On the other hand, the not having any money whatsoever thing is an issue. Can't you at least borrow a few bucks off your friends and do something cheap romantic, like a walk down the park/beach with hot dogs out in the open or something equally corny?
But yeah, my advice as a socially awkward guy (although in a completely different way) is to shed the formalities ASAP. As long as you're trapped inside the extremelly stressful courting ritual you'll be in agony. Ask her out on a proper date, so that you get to be sure you're both aware of what's going on and, if at all possible, let her take the lead (while not acting like a creep, if you can manage that). If her lead leads nowhere after one or two meetings, you take the lead back and go in for the kill.
The key here, to avoid anxiety, is to keep things as clear as possible. Romance thrives on ambiguity and not saying things out loud, but that destroys us anxious types. Go through the motions if you have to, but for your own well being, try to be straightforward about what you want. The moment you and her go official on any account, even if it's just a goodbye kiss it'll be much easier to manage the uncertainty.
So, to sum up: Call her, ask her openly on a date (it only hurts a minute) and resolve the situation as fast as you can, until you feel confident that you're in some sort of relationship and can relax around her a bit.
Maybe ask her to just hang out a few days later, but I wouldnt recomend asking her out again so soon
I actually just had my first actual date in something like 4 years a couple weeks ago, it went really well, and the dating advice from "Hitch" proved useful to me.
MWO: Adamski
Yea....I'm still trying to make that line stick. But anyways, likes someone said, just tell her you want to hang out in a date situation, not a friends situation. The drinking idea doens't sound bad either...not get drunk or anything, but it might help if you both loosen up just slightly.
Be confident the world won't end if you get turned down when asking ladies out. (this one might not apply to you but hey, some people focus too much on getting turned down rather than becoming comfortable with asking people out)
Be confident in who you are. You want the girl to like you for you and not some false front you put up to cope with an awkward situation.
I truly do understand social anxiety and it's hard to communicate how it messes with your ability to act in a way you perceive to be "normal" in social situations.
As others have said, make it abundantly clear that your intentions are to not just be friends, but that you are asking for a date.
edit:
And It's a go!
Any sort of medicating of anyone is going to be about mitigation, because pretty much all medications have side effects. If you're really depressed, they put you on an anti-depressant that probably has a laundry list of awful side effects that you just put up with because it's better than being depressed.
Death of Rats has social anxiety problems. A little bit of booze helps with that. Honestly, a couple of drinks is probably going to have way fewer negative side effects than most of the social anxiety pills on the market, not to mention probably being cheaper, and over-the-counter.
And it's fucking delicious.
Congrats on the little hang out session, but make sure you ask her out formally once you get paid. Also, break the touch barrier and act like you are interested in something more than just being friends.
Keep us updated.
Two Words: Board Games. Cheesy? Let me tell you, nothing says "Good Fellow" than a guy who doesn't mind spending the night playing a game of scrabble on the back porch while having a couple of glasses of wine. It's zero pressure, a good time, and you get to flex the most important muscle you got. You're brain.
(yes I know brain not a muscle, etc etc)
Also, I recomend you reading the book "Real Men Don't Aplogize" Trust me on this one.
Facebook: MeekinOnMovies
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My 10 commandments of game reviewing
7 Great Games Playing Watch_Dogs will remind you of/url]
Far Cry 4: 10 Essential Features it Must Have
10 Videogames Ruined By The Hype
Hmmm... now I really wish I would have gotten my several editions of Risk back from my friends before I moved.
If you think your girl is smart, scrabble. Competitive, Monopoly, Dumb as a board? Sorry(the game, not the apology). This kind of date can be quite adventagous, as you can see how she would react under various forms of duress. Does she get frustrated when she doesn't have any vowels in scrabble? She's easily annoyed, tread lightly. If she dominates you in Monoply, let her run your finances. If she beats you in Sorry? Well hey, even a stopped clock is right twice a day.
Facebook: MeekinOnMovies
Twitter: Twitter.com/MeekinOnMovies
My 10 commandments of game reviewing
7 Great Games Playing Watch_Dogs will remind you of/url]
Far Cry 4: 10 Essential Features it Must Have
10 Videogames Ruined By The Hype
I'm not trying to be a shit, I'm just not advocating "having" to drink to feel comfortable around someone you want to be in a relationship with. Eventually the guard has to come down.
Sure it's fun to have a few with a girl you just met, but my point is that can't carry him through forever.
Really even with drinking I'm not going to fee comfortable around her until I'm used to her. Once that happens it'll be easy to be myself around her. To be honest I barely know her.
My girlfriend is my girlfriend because of this. Right here. I'm broke so I just invited her over for scrabble. We drank champagne and played on the balcony. Then she stayed over.
I wish I had anxiety advice though. I am pretty confident and plotted the growth of the relationship. The biggest key is time spent with you, and that you are at least comfortable enough to send signals that say "more than friends."
buy warhams
It's mental mostly, so wine could be a smart idea, too.
Facebook: MeekinOnMovies
Twitter: Twitter.com/MeekinOnMovies
My 10 commandments of game reviewing
7 Great Games Playing Watch_Dogs will remind you of/url]
Far Cry 4: 10 Essential Features it Must Have
10 Videogames Ruined By The Hype
If you're nervous, or whatever, about messing up, or scaring the girl off, realize this: If you win this girl by not being yourself, then there's no point. Say whatever you'd normally say, be who you normally are, and if it clicks, great, if not, that's okay too, it's better to be alone and as yourself then to be with someone who thinks you're a different person
Facebook: MeekinOnMovies
Twitter: Twitter.com/MeekinOnMovies
My 10 commandments of game reviewing
7 Great Games Playing Watch_Dogs will remind you of/url]
Far Cry 4: 10 Essential Features it Must Have
10 Videogames Ruined By The Hype
That's understandable, I'm no social monster myself.
I love the game SORRY, but that is possibly because it brings out even in the gentlest of people the worst that humanity has to offer in the way of ruthlessness and treachery. It's fun to watch, but I have seen it destroy friendships. Two people walk up to the board laughing and talking, and walk away threatening to slash each other's tires.
Trouble might be a good one.. I always loved that game.
This is something I'm really careful not to do. I really don't know how to not be myself. It's just sometimes the wrong side of me comes out (the nervous stuttering side instead of the confident joking side). Either way, she'll be here in an hour. I'm working on my second beer, so I should be just the right amount of tipsy to be relaxed.
But now to say some stuff to see if my friends have her liking me right... durring the party last weekend she always sat next to me. She said I was cute and cool while I was upstairs doing something, and then her friend told her to come up and talk to me. She did. The night we watched batman begins, she also sat next to me the whole night. Infact, she pretty much agreed to come over at 11 after finding out I'd be there at midnight, and she stayed until 4 in the morning even though she worked the next day. She called me imediately after I texted her. I mean I guess it should be obvious to me, but even with all of this I'm still unsure. I guess I should lighten up some in general.
I just feel like there's a lot riding on this, and not just because this is the first time since highschool that I've actually tried to go out with a girl. She has such a cute laugh.
Also, I'd like to hear why Risk is a bad game to play. How about something like Zombies?
Because RISK is one of the most competitive board games out there which requires quite a bit of strategy and it's not easy to just pick up and play.
For a date, I can't imagine it would lead to good conversation. When I play risk 1 on 1 with my friend the only thing we ever do is talk about just how hard we're going to kick each others asses with every battle, its not like we are going to ally or anything. Not a good thing for someone you are trying to get to know. Risk is the kind of game where you hurt people's feelings in order to win.
Whatever you do, don't penguin up. Do something.
I mean with scrabble you get to talk about the words you know, jokingly tease, and so on.
With Monopoly you have some lee-way there.
And with Risk..well...Unless you think this chick totally digs Geography, she may be bored.
Also, if you're worried about being your nervous, studdering self, realize this:
Everyone has this problem.
Hell, if you want to kind of lay all the cards out on the table, just let her know "Hey, I kind of dig you, and wanted you to know,"
Write her a letter.
A real letter, hand written. It's sort of like a text message but with better Grammar.
I won my ex-girlfriend with The Golden Girls, Patriots football, and my nervous ability to do a "Stitch" from Lilo and Stitch impression.
No pressure, the world doesn't end if this doesn't work out for you. Think positive.
Edit - edited for my own freudian slip my bad.
Facebook: MeekinOnMovies
Twitter: Twitter.com/MeekinOnMovies
My 10 commandments of game reviewing
7 Great Games Playing Watch_Dogs will remind you of/url]
Far Cry 4: 10 Essential Features it Must Have
10 Videogames Ruined By The Hype
Um, this isn't the place for broad sweeping generalizations. I have no problems with girls, and am pretty fucking far from a jerk. I love my girlfriend, part of the reason I am comfortable loving her is my confidence around her before and after she was my girlfriend.
The goal is to get the OP to be confident in himself, not convince him that confidence makes him a jerk. Guys that abuse women or take advantage of women are jerks. Being comfortable around them and having no problem with them is not an asshole indicator.
buy warhams
"Hey, wanna come round my house SO I CAN CRUSH YOU LIKE A BUG!!!!111"
Seriously though, it is likely you will go on many more dates (friendly or formal) after this one, so just enjoy the date for what it is, not what you're hoping it will turn into. Be confident in yourself and enjoy.
(Damn, I'm actually quite excited for you -- good luck dude!)
Haha i thought it was just me that got excited for people in girl threads...
I agree with the scrabble idea, great fun game that can really help create conversation out of nothing. Damn its been ages since i've played... might have to dig it out myself!
Haha, I like to live vicariously through others... Nah, I'm settled down with a girl I love (plus we share a 35 year financial commitment i.e. a house) but I miss the fun of dating new people, so this is as close as I get.
/offtopic
We played Scrabble last night, actually... I was about to use up all 7 letters with "debating" but before I could she thwarted me with ONE letter. Adding a 'Y' to an 'M' to form "my". FFS... I hate that!
Now, my roommates don't have any social problems. So they basically led the conversation with me and Jen popping in every once in a while. I kinda feel like I did the whole "I barely talk" thing again, which sucks. My roommates thought it went alright, not well, but not bad.
I'm thinking I might just do that whole letter writing thing. Tell her that I like her, but that I'm kinda shy. You know, and in the letter say I'd like to go do something one on one with her if she'd be interested. And use the word date in the letter.
Does this sound like a good idea, or should I just ask her to go on a date, and tell her what's been going on with me face to face?
I mean, why not? she might find out you like her?
Because I have to wait until friday until I know when I can ask her to go on a date. The letter thing I could do more immediately.
Also yes, as fucked up as it sounds, I am afraid she might find out I like her. As I said, therapy might be a good thing for me if I can't get past this kinda shit on my own.
The face-to-face option is the simplest and best, but not necessarily the easiest. Still, if you like this girl, it's probably worth the extra effort.
And since you know that having other people around makes you sort of retreat into your shell, I'd suggest either not hanging out in the apartment where your roomies can overwhelm you (probably not on purpose, but still). If you have to stay in though, ask them to give you a wider berth when you have her over. They'll understand, and as long as you don't do it too often, they should be cool with it.
Edit: Why do you have to wait until Friday?
I'm dead broke until Friday, and I find out when I work next week on friday.
The part that's killing me is that I'd be past all this if I would have just text'd the right number last friday.
And don't think that a date needs much (or any) money spent either. Go for a walk in the park one afternoon or something.