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I am freaking out right now(girl thread)
Lucid
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
I just had a very disturbing phone call involving my girlfriend.
So, the story is this. I've been with this girl for a few months. We're really into each other. We stay together a lot of the time. She talks about loving me, vice versa. We're pretty much just really into each other. We get along very well.
The only problems there's ever been involves her parents. Specifically her mother. A month or so ago, she had a conversation with her mother, where her mother was telling her how we weren't going to work out, she was naive for thinking it could work, etc, etc. My girlfriend is also somewhat insecure, I've had to calm down her worries about things at times. Stuff like her thinking I'd leave her, I don't really like her, etc.
The last couple of weeks my girlfriend has been out of town at her parents place, helping them out with things. She came to visit partly for a class she was taking, and to spend some time wwith me briefly. Everything was great when we saw each other. We couldn't keep ourselves apart. Attached at the hips. All the I love you talk. I even said to her I was a little worried her mother may try putting ideas in her head about us. She then told me don't worry, she loves her mother, but she takes everything regarding ehr and that with a grain of salt. Her mother is crazy she said.
My girlfriend is supposed to come back into town today or tomorrow to start a new job.
So, today comes the part where I am freaking out. I called her today(first time to talk to her since the weekend). Her mother answered. I asked if she was there. No, she is with her grandmother. Her mother asked if it was me. I said yes. I asked when a better time to call back would be. Her mother said "I don't think so." "I know you guys have broken up, but she(my girlfriend) is determined" "I'll tell her you called though".
I was just stunned. I have no idea what to think now. Is my girlfriend trying to end it without confrontation? Is her mother just being crazy, and my girlfriend doesn't know anything about this? Did her mother convince her in this time away that it wouldn't work?
So, the story is this. I've been with this girl for a few months. We're really into each other. We stay together a lot of the time. She talks about loving me, vice versa. We're pretty much just really into each other. We get along very well.
The only problems there's ever been involves her parents. Specifically her mother. A month or so ago, she had a conversation with her mother, where her mother was telling her how we weren't going to work out, she was naive for thinking it could work, etc, etc. My girlfriend is also somewhat insecure, I've had to calm down her worries about things at times. Stuff like her thinking I'd leave her, I don't really like her, etc.
The last couple of weeks my girlfriend has been out of town at her parents place, helping them out with things. She came to visit partly for a class she was taking, and to spend some time wwith me briefly. Everything was great when we saw each other. We couldn't keep ourselves apart. Attached at the hips. All the I love you talk. I even said to her I was a little worried her mother may try putting ideas in her head about us. She then told me don't worry, she loves her mother, but she takes everything regarding ehr and that with a grain of salt. Her mother is crazy she said.
My girlfriend is supposed to come back into town today or tomorrow to start a new job.
So, today comes the part where I am freaking out. I called her today(first time to talk to her since the weekend). Her mother answered. I asked if she was there. No, she is with her grandmother. Her mother asked if it was me. I said yes. I asked when a better time to call back would be. Her mother said "I don't think so." "I know you guys have broken up, but she(my girlfriend) is determined" "I'll tell her you called though".
I was just stunned. I have no idea what to think now. Is my girlfriend trying to end it without confrontation? Is her mother just being crazy, and my girlfriend doesn't know anything about this? Did her mother convince her in this time away that it wouldn't work?
Lucid on
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the "no true scotch man" fallacy.
Does your GF not have a cell or something?
I had a situation like that looong ago and far away in HS. My boyfriend had to tell his batshit crazy mom that we split and agreed to be "just friends" so that she'd let him out of the house.
Crazy moms are no bueno.
Was just about to post this.
Don't freak out just yet.
You two are fine other than her mom being batshit crazy. :P
I guess one other thing to mention is that early on in the relationship we had our doubts, she almost wanted to end it. This was because she was really depressed at the time because of not having a job and thought she may not be in the right emotional state for a relationship. I had doubts at first too. I think it's natural early on though when you're finding out about each other.We worked through that though, and everything has been fine since. Really good in fact. It was just her b day a couple of weeks ago, and I did things for her(made dinner, gifts, etc). There's just really not been even the slightest hint that she would want to end it. She's only shown love to me, even telling me things she likes about me often.
It just seems like a suspicious thing for her mother to say to me.
Anyway, the first chance you get to talk to her you need to bring it up and pretty much say "If you need to tell me something, tell me it now." You don't need her playing games with you if her mom isn't crazy and she just told her before telling you. SO with that said, don't give up just yet but kinda mentally perpare yourself for the worst. Make sense?
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
Shogun Streams Vidya
Hm, what if her mother is the one I keep getting if I call there again?
I will definately keep you guys updated, because you are all awesome.
However i think the mom just doesn't like you and figures you may not call back now ever.
The red part is rubbish. The lime part is truth.
Shogun Streams Vidya
If she told her mother you split to get her to go away, just let it go. You won't know anything till you talk to her, though.
Until you talk to your girlfriend, assume that the woman is just fucking with you. Getting all riled up about it just plays into her hand. Don't be harsh or rash in anything over this, just take a breath, try to calm down, and do things to keep your mind off it until you can actually talk to your girlfriend.
I believe parents should have input into their children's lives, but if you (and presumably your girlfriend) are legal adults, that input ends at advice, not making choices.
My suggestion is to talk to her mother as is necessary but do not give her any personal information about how the relationship is going, do not confide in her, do not trust anything she has to say.
She's a receptionist, and an unreliable one. That should be the extent of your interaction with her.
the "no true scotch man" fallacy.
Get the fuck over there in person. No, not more calling, you'll likely get the mother. E-mail is worse, because you won't even know if her crazy mother is fucking with it (unless you and the girl are both far more crypto-savvy than you're letting on, anyway).
Now you mention it that is weird. No cell phone OR internet? Where does this girl live? It must be East Germany in the 70's or something. Perhaps you should pay a visit if its possible, just remember to keep things diplomatic you don't need to be burning bridges over nothing.
good luck!
EDIT: her mom does sound nucking futs.
This. Very much this.
Don't take it as anything other than a move to placate those who would otherwise poke and rant endlessly. It is amazing what a person can do for just five minutes of shut the fuck up.
This may be a long post.
So a little after I wrote my earlier posts, I went to see a friend as I was freaking out a little and needed someone to be around. My friend wanted to nap a little before we hung out so when I got to her house, I sat on the porch for a little to wait, and called my girlfriend. She answered. I asked her what was going on. She apologized, but in a tone I knew wasn't sorry about her mother saying things that weren't true. It was a more ominous sorry. She just started telling me it's over. She would say she started thinking about it only a couple of days after we were together(and basically still conjoined twins at the time) that her heart really wasn't in the relationship. She didn't want to be my girlfriend, not truly in love with me. I just was taken aback. I know it's hard for me to describe here, but we were about as much into each other as people can be for the most part. She was quite the proactive one in regards to love and feelings etc in the relationhip as well. She was the initiator of the relationship(first move maker, on our second date she latched on to my arm and started kissing), she was the one to first tell me she loves me. Always talking about how much she does. Even told her mother when she was first got out there a week or so ago that she really loved me, wanted to be with me(to which her mother would tell how could you love him so soon, she'd argue etc).
So basically, there was really no hint of anything wrong, almost the opposite. Sure we had some doubts early on, and she gave no signs of problems, just enthusiastic loving emotion. Her actions and words both spoke to strong feelings of affection to me in a not just friends way.
We continued this for a while, she got impatient of telling me she doesn't want to be with me. I got a little out of her as to reasoning. It's somewhat complicated so please bear with me(I'm still in shock/venting stage). She said there was some things about me that the more she thought about she didn't like.
She mentioned drugs. Now, I am a reasonable person in regards to this. This can be a compatability killer. However. I am not a big drug person. I smoke pot once in a while. I never once pressured her(and I'm not just using bias to make me look good here). She would even ask me to have some with me. Pretty much everytime we ever smoked any together it was by her wishes. It felt like she was pegging me as some really into drugs person was the impression I felt. She's met my friends who are into it more than I so maybe she used association here too.
She also mentioned having kids and getting amrried and thinking I am not in the right space nor will I be for some time. This is simply not true of me at all, but she wouldn't accept it. I've though many times about settling down and children. Even about that with her. Maybe I didn't communicate this, but the relationship was only around 2 and a half months. I think it's fair and normal for these things to take some time to come out. Even to get to know about the other person.
Sex. This is a weird story. It startes me being bisexual or at least having experimented before. She knew this going into the relationship(my ex who set us up told her before we even met). She even said it's one of the things that attracted her to me. This is where it gets sketchy relating to sex. The first time we were having sex, I lost cohesion(so to speak). She got upset, then said "this is because you want to be with guys" and stormed out, had a little confrontation about it, but I eventually reassured her that was silly.
Another thing with sex. I am large, she has a small opening. First time we were going to do it, her condoms she had wouldn't fit me. We bought larger ones. Not good enough. She then got upset with me for nto carrying condoms around. I am just someone who gets them when I'm with someone though. I also hadn't had sex in a long time and didn't remember using larger ones. We tried again, but it hurt for her so we had to stop. I remined faithful that it could work out, and reassured I'd make it pleasant for her, accomadating, but not like oh I'll treat you like I'm tiptoeing on glass.
So she didn't say anything in particular about these incidences, but she brought up how she thought that if two people really love each other they'll be really passionate about sex at the start, and just more than what we had. The friends I've talked to tonight, have reasonably thought that the way I was alittle slower with it was pretty notmal seeing as what happened relating to sex and her.
Now, I was a little bit in disbelief of everything. I felt as if she was/had developed some image or persona of me out of the doubts and whatever that she had about me and created something which I am not. She defined me in a way that wasn't truly me. Then I found out why.
I asked her. Is there anyone else. She didn't say anything for a few seconds. I asked her again. Yes. There is. Apparently she is her parents new neighbor and she met him a couple of days after seeing me this past saturday. I asked her how old he is(I asked this because her last boyfriend was around 45 years old). She said older than you. I'm almost 28. She is 24. I kind of thought about how most people who even older but closer ot my age don't get houses in small rural towns. So even though I don't know I kind of suspected this fellow may also be middle aged. So I felt lied to. I know through her body language, actions, and words that she felt something for me beyond friendship. Maybe it wasn't quite true love( or whatever you want to call it, but there was assuredly something/sparks. Only sociopaths can be that adept at faking that kind of way she acted towards me. I'm not using wishful thinking memory either. This is really how it was, even my friends noticed how into me she was, and how I was into her.
I did ask if her mother or parents played a part in this decision, or got to her. She stressed no, but I do think they may have at least sewed the seeds of doubt.
So yeah. I'm pretty heartbroken, and still in disbelief. Going from really really lovey with each other, just this past saturday, to her not even wanting to see me ever again and falling for someone else. It's really bizarre, and just I guess I'll be in shock a little bit. Yeah, she doesn't want to see me again. I was really good to her too. I was there for her when she was depressed, was sweet about things like noticing something she'd like then suprising her with it. All of those little nice things my friends who are girls aww about. I wasn't overbearing about it. I didn't shower her with affection/gifts. Just one of those little parts of a relationship I enjoyed doing.
Of course I've went over theories in my mind. Maybe she didn't really want a bi, sensitive artist type, who looks sort of like cillian murphy. I'm not really secure in life right now either. I'm not unstable but I am working on a degree while she just finished hers. I don't have a house or a car. She could may have just really deep down wanted someone who is stable, secure has their stuff all done/together. Maybe why she is with another older guy. She may have that notion that older means more mature too. I did get the impression that maturity was one of the things she pegged me as not being so much of, even though most people I know think I am even if I don't have material representations.
I'll be sad for a while. I can move on eventually though. It shouldn't take too long. I do know I am an attractive person(something she was also insecure about, thought I'd find someone to fit my level of attractiveness opposed to hers). I'm fine for the most part with not being a super masculine guy. There lots of women who like that I've heard. I just look for more of an equal partnership, taking care of each other. Mutual stuff. She may have wanted someone to fill more of a caretaker role. More of a taking the lead thing, even though she did put forth her individuality a lot and didn't seem like someone who would want to be under the wing of another.
Thanks for everyone lendign an ear, and a voice though. I really do appreciate this stuff. Even people I don't really know.
Edit; long post. Oh well.
If this would me, I'd probably stew a bit, then take my frustrations out wherever I could. I would go to the gym and stay there until I was too exhausted to care.
You're working towards a degree? Dedicate yourself to it even more. Lose yourself in your work.
Someone better will come along. In the meantime, get your life as good as it can be. You don't need her.
C is a pretty big sign of immaturity and leads to trouble pretty much 100% of the time, and anyway you really don't need to deal with any of those things. From the sound of it this was actually a positive thing, and at some point you'll see it if you haven't already.
It is also worth noting that there are different kinds of maturity. People throw that word around so much (especially in high school and college) that it doesn't even mean anything anymore. You are not immature because you don't have your degree yet. Someone else is not mature because they do.
For the record, I am one of those people that likes their men on the less "masculine" side. It's actually been joked that my boyfriend is a pair of nice breasts away from being the perfect girlfriend for me.
You could give her a few weeks and then try again, or you could move on. From the sounds of it, though, you got the short end of the stick here. And that sucks.
the "no true scotch man" fallacy.
In all honesty when I started reading this thread and saw what the mother said I couldn't help but feel like she might have tried throwing a wrench into things. The fact that she's seeing the neighbour makes me wonder if maybe the mother had a hand in perhaps fixing the two of them up. If so then that's really despicable in my mind since it sounds like her daughter is old enough to make up her own mind as to who she wants to see.
Regardless, what's happened has happened and it may not seem like it now but you are probably better off by the sounds of it. Like others have suggested go out, try and focus on your schooling or go to the gym. When I had a bad breakup I went to the gym with friends. Go see a movie, hang out with your friends, the best thing is to be around people who you enjoy being around. Your friends will always be there for you and this would be one of the times where they would be needed most.
Hope things look up for you in the future.
My only advice is not to get back together with her, if/when she realizes that she has made a mistake. You don't really want someone who is going to toy with your heart strings like that.
Best of luck.
OP, I'd add not to forget how fucking mental her Mum is. Having grown up with that, that's going to have an effect on your ex. She might well end up being a lot like her mother. You don't need that in your life.
Thanks, all.
The one that that bugs me though is your last post. You say it was like talking to a completely different person and how she didn't seem very phased at all. I cant help but notice that this same thing happened to me a few years back. Turns out that she was just into another guy and had to get rid of me to do it. It was pretty sudden like your situation (Only difference was that her mom loved me and still does to this day lol).
But no worries! Just take this as a life experience and "lesson learned." Be a little more wary and picky in your next find so this does not happen to you again. Protect yourself man.
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
As for being not masculine? Don't sweat it. Many girls, myself included, love guys who aren't super masculine and would rather have more of an equal partnership where you can just be yourself.
Besides, who doesn't think Cillian Murphy is hot? ;-) Batman/Scarecrow 3way FTW.
Its pretty clear you have a lot to offer; it's just a matter of time before someone sees that and takes you up on it.
If I had to give a bit of advice on this bit, I'd say that it sounds very much like you haven't been let go because of something- you weren't an ass, you didn't mess up, you didn't fail at anything. People are just different; sometimes those differences mesh, and sometimes they don't.
Be who you are, you sound like a pretty cool cat, and you'll find someone complimentary and fitting towards yourself and your lifestyle. It's easy sometimes to think how you might refurbish yourself to be more appealing in the future, as if somehow you didn't get the knack of something, or that you let bad habits get in the way of success. You are who you are, and these things happen now, no matter how attached we might be at the time, so that the door is open for something better in the future.
Keep your eyes open for it, I have the feeling it won't be too long.
I'm thinking this chick is Flowers in the Attic territory and you are better off at Minimum Safe Distance.
I host a podcast about movies.
You win.