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Am I being selfish? (questions dealing with a friend.)
Kyougu
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
So here's a background.
Our friend's Steve's dad passed away back in April. He took it hard (naturally) and it was pretty rough for him. He has me, and about a group of 3 guys as his close friends, so we where there for him, and tried to be as understanding about it as possible.
Things seem to be going fine with him, and we do go out regularly to watch movies, hang out, etc. He seems to be doing well, except for one thing. I'm not sure if it's because of him, or his mom, but he basically spends all his time with her, except for when he hangs out with us. He doesn't like leaving her alone, which is understandable I figure. The thing is, this makes scheduling going out hard.
For example, he can't do anything from early afternoon to 7 pm usually. And then he can't do anything late at nights (which leaves going out for a beer and a game of pool out of the question.) Now, again, understandable, everyone deals with grief in their own way. But, and not to sound like an ass, it's becoming a pain trying to juggle our outings around his schedule. This week for example, one of our other friends won't be able to go see Tropic Thunder with us, since Steve's only time he's willing to go conflicts with his work schedule.
The easy answer would seem to be just to go without him certain times, but it's not that easy. The few times we brought this up, he's mentioned to go without him, but he doesn't seem very happy. Also, again, we're his closest friends, and he's single, so without us, he really doesn't have anyone else to hang out with.
So yeah, any suggestions? Should we just head out without him? Try to bear it and see if things improve?
Our friend's Steve's dad passed away back in April. He took it hard (naturally) and it was pretty rough for him. He has me, and about a group of 3 guys as his close friends, so we where there for him, and tried to be as understanding about it as possible.
Things seem to be going fine with him, and we do go out regularly to watch movies, hang out, etc. He seems to be doing well, except for one thing. I'm not sure if it's because of him, or his mom, but he basically spends all his time with her, except for when he hangs out with us. He doesn't like leaving her alone, which is understandable I figure. The thing is, this makes scheduling going out hard.
For example, he can't do anything from early afternoon to 7 pm usually. And then he can't do anything late at nights (which leaves going out for a beer and a game of pool out of the question.) Now, again, understandable, everyone deals with grief in their own way. But, and not to sound like an ass, it's becoming a pain trying to juggle our outings around his schedule. This week for example, one of our other friends won't be able to go see Tropic Thunder with us, since Steve's only time he's willing to go conflicts with his work schedule.
The easy answer would seem to be just to go without him certain times, but it's not that easy. The few times we brought this up, he's mentioned to go without him, but he doesn't seem very happy. Also, again, we're his closest friends, and he's single, so without us, he really doesn't have anyone else to hang out with.
So yeah, any suggestions? Should we just head out without him? Try to bear it and see if things improve?
Kyougu on
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You both have to accept he can't make it all the time. I'm sure he knows this and didn't want these responsibilities thrown at him like this, but it happens. He'll make it through
Now, as to your problem, I'd say that you should absolutely go without him on occaision. Not all the time, of course, but if his schedule conflicts with another friend's, Steve's schedule shouldn't take 100% priority. He's probably feeling anxious about leaving his mom alone because they both suffered such an awful loss, but at the same time, life does go on, and him clinging so tightly to her isn't going to help either of them in the long run, and being treated like he's fragile by his friends isn't going to help him either.
Basically, treat him like a friend who has a weird work schedule. If you can accomodate him easily, do so. If it just doesn't work, don't be afraid to say "Sorry you couldn't make it, we'd love to have you come with us" and enjoy your night out. I think treating him normally is the best thing you could do for him, and it'll keep you from resenting him.
Better answer: Go out without him while ensuring you make time for him as well
Best answer: Go out without him but make sure you don't say, see movies he desperately wants to see without him, and make sure (since he is a close friend and has no one else) that you guys are there for him first, if he needs you.
It sounds like he's handling things the best he can, and I think it's soon to expect him to be over it now. On the other hand, your lives go on, and while I'd say you should definitely go out of your way to make time for him, if everyone else can make an outing at a certain time, then if he can't go it's reasonable to go yourselves. You guys can't sit at home because he's busy.
okay, seriously though, Trow knows what's up.
This and don't make it sound like you're reading a telemarketing script each time you do.
The easy answer is the correct answer. You're not responsible (in the negative or positive sense) for Steve's happiness and frankly Steve isn't responsible for yours either, so you should stop putting both you AND him in that position. So what if he's not happy you guys go out without him? The fact that he's grieving, in this context, is only minorly important and maybe altogether not important. How we choose to grieve is precisely that - a choice. He's choosing to stay at home and I'm pretty sure he's not worried about how that affects your social circle and maybe he doesn't even care. Right now he's prioritizing his grief and his mother's grief. You have choices too. And you need to go on with your lives, too.
I'm not saying you need to ditch Steve but there's no reason you need to accomodate his grief in every single aspect of you and your mutual friends' lives.
Actually, the problem is that Kyougu isn't being selfish enough right now. He and his friends are putting too much effort into accomodating someone that currently has other priorities. If Kyougu and his friends would go out without Steve, then they would all be acting selfishly, but in a wholly moral and appropriate fashion.
Steve is also being selfish, but also in a completely appropriate way.
There's nothing wrong with being selfish in certain contexts, to certain degrees. Shackling yourself to the schedule of someone who just can't or won't go out at certain times because of other priorities that are personal specifically to this person doesn't make much sense to me and not doing that isn't a bad form of selfishness.
Yeah, I know "selfish" has a bad connotation, but that connotation is erroneous when someone extrapolates that it is wrong to do what you want/need to do even if it upsets someone else. It also fails to recognize that the person being upset is also being "selfish."
Ultimately, I think you are overthinking this, Kyougu, and are probably reading too much into Steve's reactions but even if you want, there is absolutely no reason you should put a moratorium on your own happiness because of something tragic that happened to your friend, at least not this long after the fact.
Also, let me offer some other advice. It sucks, but it's the truth: Sometimes friends, even close friends, drift apart because of things that happen in life. I'm not saying that's what's happening with Steve and you and your mutual friends. But sometimes social dynamics change because of things like this and it's not healthy for anyone to try to fit square pegs into round holes.
Eh, you're approaching this from a very cold and logical perspective instead of an understanding one.
I think TokyoRaver gave the best advice so far - friendships are a give and take relationship - clearly right now your friend needs a little give. I wouldn't say work your schedule around steve, but as tokyo raver said, if there's a movie he really wants to see, try not to go without him.
Unlike going out to play pool, which isn't really as special as say...everyone seeing dark night together.
This, 100%. You don't need to schedule around him all the time, but make sure he feels invited and included so that whenever he's ready, he knows you guys haven't ditched him.
Yeah, thirded. When my Dad died, this is how I would have wanted people to act looking back on it. Losing a parent is a major event, and trauma in your life, it can take a long time to find your way back to a sense of normalcy. Its only been four months or so, recovery from this kind of thing isn't something you can rush.