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No-Quarter
Nothing To FearBut Fear ItselfRegistered User regular
Nothing To FearBut Fear ItselfRegistered User regular
Hiya! I recently joined a dating site (okcupid), and I don't have much trouble with any of the areas of description except my general "about me" section. Here's what I have:
So yeah. Good, bad? Suggestions?
I suck at punctuation so corrections on that front would be useful as well.
I'm awful at this. Words are my friends, but seldom on paper. That goes double for canned responses such as these. Anything I write here ends up feeling either entirely contrived or utterly disingenuous. A friend of mine told me that that's OK, under the impression that no one is truly honest with these things anyway in order to put their best foot forward or something.
Well screw that, that isn't fair to either of us.
So ladies, if you'd like to meet someone who is genuine yet tactful, a rapacious reader with more than a few geeky tendencies, someone possessed of a bastardly charm with an absurd and somewhat dark sense of humor, but with a painfully-won grounding in reality, then say hello. If not, good luck to you.
I suppose I should list some flaws now too, huh?
Flaw #1: Too lazy to list other flaws. =P
Oh, and my name is Kevin.
One more thing, if you do decide to woo or message me expressing interest, and I don't think we'd work out, I'll tell you. I'm not the type to play games, and I'd rather let you know that out of respect and appreciation for a compliment; rather than to just ignore it out of convenience/ insecurity.
So yeah. Good, bad? Suggestions?
I suck at punctuation so corrections on that front would be useful as well.
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I don't like your "about me" section because A) is short, and b)it really doesn't say much about you. Take out the first three paras(counting the one that's just one line) and it gets even shorter.
I guess it depends on what you're looking for, but this one sounds a bit...um, desperate? Serious maybe? Definately didn't like the "so ladies" part, because as Dimitri Martin stated, add "ladies" to any sentence and it automatically becomes creepy.
How about trying something out of the left field? Like 50 things you should know about me. They don't all have to be specific, things like "I like cold soup" stuff like that.
Scratch the flaws thing.
EDIT: What did you think of the part at the bottom? About hitting them back with messages.
Also, you don't need to list any flaws. At all. You're just trying to describe yourself as best as you can. Be specific about your hobbies. It's very frustrating seeing about 90% of women's profiles answering the "on a normal friday night I'm" question, with "either out clubbing like a maniac, or I'm at home curled up with a book!!!"
Spend a few days reading personal ads written by other guys and pay attention to what works. Then start over on yours.
Seriously, there's -so- much out there you can flesh that out with. If nothing else, just read a shitload of other peoples profiles and see waht they say - take that topic and personalize it to suit you
I list some of that in the other parts of the profile. Its just the about me part that fucks me.
http://www.okcupid.com/profile?u=grund13
I think out of your pictures, the second one is the best. I would at least get rid of the last one, since it's not very flattering, and you can't see anything in the third one.
Indeed, as are many women's. Yours isn't bad at all. It doesn't throw up any tremendous red flags, which many (most?) do. I can't count the number of profiles I've read that say things like "...I'm looking for an honest person..." This is like putting a big huge sign on your head that says "I HAVE TRUST ISSUES AND BAGGAGE. ALSO I WAS PROBABLY CHEATED ON AND WILL ASSUME YOU WILL TOO."
If there's a single way to make your profile better, it's to move from "telling" to "showing." So you say you are "someone possessed of a bastardly charm," but is there a way you can show this rather than tell it? I think it's easy to distrust someone's self-assessment in general. You want the other person to make the assessment.
I'm not saying this is easy, but it's something to work at.
Dude, my name is Kevin too. I wouldn't worry about the profile though, Chicks digs Kevins, so you'll probably do just fine.
You're giving off a lot of mixed messages, most importantly you never want to give off self-confidence issues. (unless you're looking for a master or something)
Also, say what you're looking for. Not saying what you're looking for is definitely a warning klaxon going off on the other end. It makes you look like you're already starting with the mind games. At the very least it makes you seem pathetic and willing to take whatever comes your way.
Also, don't ever, ever say anything even remotely similar to "If not, good luck to you." Think of this as an advertisement, except you're the product. Do you think McDonald's would ever tell someone not to buy the new big mac special? "Come enjoy the new price reduced Big Mac combo!!!! unless you're fat... fuck off and go to Subway or something, fattie." "Buh-buh-buh-buh-bah only-some-of-you-are-allowed-to-be lovin' it!"
I'm not entirely certain on okcupid's interface but I'm assuming it lists user name, with a photo, and maybe the first few lines of the description? If that's the case you can be guaranteed that girls will only be reading the profile if they like your picture or if they're desperate. If they're looking at your profile then there is no good reason to tell them to not be looking at your profile.
It's been mentioned earlier but you want to show them that you are in fact, flawless. Even if you aren't. Just don't go saying "I'm so great" or "I'm the best." Do it by saying "this is me" and implying "take it or leave it" and then fudge the numbers and fluff the details.
self deprecating can be fine as long as you don't go overboard.
good work dynagrip I didn't notice the word!
Oh, and my name is Kevin.
This is all I'm left with after editing out all the really bad no no's in your original text. Not much left really.
Don't do the lame, omg what do I write sentence at the start. Leap full swing into it, list what you like but you have to communicate at a basic level, do not use "bastardly charm" most of your description of yourself is negative.
List what you like and list what you are looking for in a person, hobbies interests, food.
Example
I like long bbq sundays, meeting new and interesting people, discovering new music and art, trips to the woods, etc etc
YOU CAN DO IT!
"so ladies, if you want a guy who doesn't like himself and you'd love to hear me shit on myself over a long, excruciating evening, I'm your man!"
The reason other guys have horrible profiles is because they're not getting dates. Or maybe it's the other way around. Either way, if you have a shitty profile, your profile is going to stay up there for a long time because you're not going to meet anyone.
Look, like penguin says, this is an ad for you. You're not trying to get everyone to buy you, but you're trying to appeal to a specific "customer" -- a girl who is into similar things. And if you try to tell a story, or be a little more expressive to show someone what hanging out with you would be like, then that's almost always more attractive than a laundry list of interests. But what's worse is that your profile doesn't even really say anything -- it's just long and gives excuses as to why you don't think you'll get messages. That's not the point of putting a profile up, unless you're trying to prove to yourself that it won't work.
So, shorten the intro to something like: "Hey, I'm not much into the bar scene so I figured I'd give this a shot." Delete everything else. Write something without thinking about it too much about something you like doing with other people. Maybe you play video games, so you point out "I play video games, but I do it for the fun of it and love getting other people into it, even if they've only played Mario when they were a kid. That means I also like good board games, or even just hanging out after a long week." Maybe you like movies, so don't *list* your movies, *talk* about the movies you've seen recently and liked. Explain why you have your interests, don't just list them.
If you like to read books, say something like "I'm big into reading, and love finding time to just kick back and get into a novel. I find it a lot more engaging than television, plus I can move around while doing it so I'm not just stuck in one spot at my place. Oh, of course the stories are good -- lately I've finished reading Gravity's Rainbow, War & Peace, and House of Leaves."
Dont say you have a sense of humor -- make the reader smile or laugh. Which, of course, is harder, but it's lame to say "I have a good sense of humor, laughing is good" and much better to say a one liner like "People say I'm a jokester with a sense of humor, but I don't understand it. I seriously am having a hard time getting rid of these bodies."
Which really is just emphasizing what Frylock said -- SHOW people who you are, don't tell them.
You could throw in a section on something random like cooking or whatever your into. I like to make stir fry with just veggies, meat and sauce, I skip the rice. I like to make my own egg-mcmuffins. I drink weak tea mostly for the warmth and southing time to myself while I enjoy it.
You're not trying to appeal to us - and every person has different tastes. Some might go for self-deprecation, others think it hints or flat out points to insecurity. Some might think any sense of humor is a bad idea because it turns just as many people off as it doesn't. You need to decide whether you're trawling with a net or fishing with a single lure. What you write is mildly important, but it's really just something for people to read while judging you on your pictures. Just like the cologne you wear, your written profile isn't going to push otherwise indifferent women into liking you, but it will make you more memorable to the ones who are already interested for other reasons.
I'll go against the grain here and just say put your best foot forward, but write what you're comfortable with and what you feel represents who you actually are. No point trying to be innocuous since it iself isn't going to be a dealbreaker.
Pretty much all of this is static except the bolded part. You have three lines of content and the rest is noise.
Before you even bother writing a personal ad, I suggest doing an exercise. Sit down with a piece of paper and write down sentences and phrases that describe you. Don't worry about how they'll look to other people, just brainstorm for a little while. Keep it up until you've got something on every line.
Think about what sets you apart from other guys. Think about some stories or anecdotes from your life and what they say about you. What do you offer a date? A girlfriend? A wife? What's your personal philosophy on life?
Here's a random snippet from a random straight guy's profile on today's hotlist:
In four lines, here's what we know about this guy: he's an artist, he's creative, he's not macho, he's kind of geeky, and he's probably pretty laid-back and quiet.
Now, he could have just said "I'm an artist. I'm creative. I'm not macho. I'm kind of geeky," etc. but instead of just listing his qualities he just chose examples from his life that exemplify his traits like "I have nothing to plug my SNES into."
So once you have that brainstorming paper that I mentioned above filled up, think of examples from your life that demonstrate the qualities you wrote down. You say you have a dark sense of humor. Great; how do you know? Do you like dead baby jokes? Black comedies? "I laugh at zombie movies" is about 10x better than "I have a dark sense of humor" but says the same thing.
By the way, the "I'm awful at filling out profiles" stuff is really bad. First off, self-deprecation is a spice, not an entree - it's fine in small amounts as long as it's funny, but leading with it or basing entire paragraphs on it is awful. More importantly, though, it shows that you're lazy. You might as well be saying, "I didn't want to sit down and do the work to create a decent profile." Good personal ads are hard to write. They don't really come naturally to anybody; you have to spend some time to work on them.
the "no true scotch man" fallacy.
Deleted the last one.. I might delete the third one but the third is more of a joke picture because a lot of people post pictures on OKC that don't show what they look like at all. This is kinda just poking fun at that.
edit - haha for a second I was looking at my stalkers and I noticed that a bunch of dudes were stalking me and I was all like wtf?!
And then I remembered :P
So you're starting out trashing yourself and letting the reader know to be skeptical of whatever you write for the rest of your ad. No thanks.
Negativity again, plus you sound very suspicious. Of course people try to put their best foot forward; that's what you're supposed to do when you meet new people. Being critical of that just makes you sound like the sort of misanthrope who will behave badly and then complain when people don't accept him like he is. Again, not a good idea.
Well, at least you're not complaining, but...
1. "Ladies" sounds creepy, plus it makes it too obvious that you're casting a wide net. Nobody who reads your profile wants to think she's one of a million girls you might date, she wants to think she's special and the two of you have a connection.
2. You haven't been genuine or tactful for the previous part of your message, so why would we believe you when you say you are?
3. Reading and geeky tendencies are both good, but be specific. Something like "I'm an omnivorous reader who loves books from Starship Troopers to Anna Karenina and everything in between. I've embraced my geeky tendencies and love spending a few lazy evenings playing Mario Kart when I'm not going to the Natural History museum to look at dinosaurs."
4. Bastardly charm doesn't mean anything to me, and mostly I just focus on the word "bastard." Don't use that. If you want people to know that you're charming, be charming in your profile, don't just say you are.
5. Absurd and dark senses of humor are great, but everyone has a different sense of what that means. If you mean "I like dead baby jokes and groan-inducing puns," say that.
6. "Painfully-won grounding in reality" sets off my Issues Alert. Like "I'm looking for someone honest" generally means "I have been cheated on in the past and will be incredibly jealous and possessive," you sound like you've got some major trauma in your past and will be a real downer. That's not something you want in your personal ad, obviously. Be upbeat.
7. Leave out the "if not, good luck to you" and punch up the "say hello." "Drop me a line" in fun and impersonal, or "I'd love to shoot the breeze with you" sounds friendly.
No, you shouldn't.
This part makes you sound like a jerk who doesn't care about people's feelings. Obviously if it isn't going to work out, you won't pursue a relationship. The only people who bother to put "I'm not the type to play games" are the people who ARE the type to play games or who are bitter about other people playing games with them. Neither are attractive qualities.
You also haven't said anything about the kind of girl you would like to meet, only that if someone doesn't meet your so-far-unspoken standards, you're going to blow them off. That's only going to discourage people from talking to you. Write a little bit about the kind of person you'd like to meet, activities you'd like to do with said person (PG-rated, obviously, unless it's on craigslist's casual encounters.)
Basically, you want to make yourself sound attractive to the kind of people you want to be attractive to. Be specific, be positive, and be funny. Paint a flattering but realistic picture of yourself. If you've got some hangups about that being dishonest, think of the difference between an unflattering picture of someone, a flattering, natural picture, and a photoshopped to perfection picture. Hint: you're going for the middle one.
I was on OkCupid but found I was too old for it so I had much better luck on Match. If you're under 25 then OkCupid its great though you get what you pay for. You'll find more serious minded gals on Match, less kerwazy ones too.
First with the OP, make yourself sound interesting and don't add anything negative in your essay.
Grundlterror, you need to work on your photos. Have a friend take a better picture of you in good lighting and after you showered and shaved.
Seriously, the best advice I can give is to think of online dating sites as advertising yourself. So you have work on making yourself appealing to the opposite sex. That means put thought into a positive essay and post nice pictures of yourself.
Here is my old Match.com essay that worked very well:
I read that you're more likely to get a second date if you talk less about yourself so hopefully what you read won't bore you. I'm a half-Scottish guy that is formally a Army paratrooper and Coast Guardsmen. I have a great sense of humor, an expensive taste in foods and I love my little Yorkie. She isn't a masculine looking pup but I love her still.
I would say my greatest assets are my cooking and electronic skills. I can hook up your entertainment center, fix your glitchy computer and bake you a delicious cake. I'm also very good at paying all my bills on time. A good credit score is something I like to maintain.
I love to talk and listen, much more than read and write as I am very personable. I took a test as a kid and it said I would make a great police officer or priest, funny. I also love to visit DC whenever I get the chance, thinking about moving out of the burbs into the city someday.
I would like to meet someone that's funny, adventurous, open minded and smart. Personality is 90% of the attraction.
The one from the beach (my profile pic) is my favorite one that I have. But I will work on it, tomorrow I'll get my brother to take some pictures of me, any suggestions as to setting or whatever?
http://www.okcupid.com/profile/grim321/
http://www.okcupid.com/profile/RonaldoTheGypsy
Also, your profile doesn't look like you put more than 5 minutes into this. Which is fine if you're not serious, but if you're actually trying to get dates you're not giving anyone any reasons to send you a message. You're not telling one anything about yourself, and you got to remember that in these sites guys outnumber girls, so any female looking at your page is giving it a mere glimpse. You got to catch their eye right away.
Ronaldo: Your first picture actually looks good and goes with your more serious profile. I would get rid of the third one since it looks like it was taken a while back. And get rid of one of the artsy pictures and put one of you in a more relaxed setting. With friends or something.
Your profile makes you sound smart and deep, but I think you may be overdoing it. You come off way too seriously. Also, you come off as shitting on yourself too much. Like people have said, girls don't like this.
Ronaldo: I liked your profile until I read you 'shitting' on yourself constantly. Seriously, you talk about how average you are... how you are creepy... how you're not great any anything really. I mean come on show some confidence dude.
Ronaldo - generally really good, save for the very last paragraph (everyone here is creepy and awkward! is not a selling point). Also, it sort of leaves someone wondering if you're in school or working or anything, since you don't really say other than "hiatus".... but if I were single and in your vicinity you'd be on the list of interesting people to talk to for sure
I will, my friends girlfriend has been taking pictures of us all the time when we're out drinking so I'll put some of those up.
http://www.okcupid.com/profile/BrentonJ
Any advice and suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
EDIT: I kind of keep it open ended because I am not really looking to meet anybody through OkCupid, hell I only made a profile there because I saw someone mention it on these forums. I just kinda filled some stuff out for fun, and don't mind talking to people when I am sitting around and not playing games or out with friends, etc.
http://www.okcupid.com/profile/justsheldon
Obviously, it needs work, and a better username. Any pointers?
I'm going to disagree on the Match.com thing. You do NOT get what you pay for on these sites, in my experience. The ones you pay for are simply money pits. Most of the people you see on there do not subscribe, and simply put a profile up for some reason or another. The likelyhood of you actually getting a written response rather than a "wink" back is probably next to nothing, if you even get a wink back. Again, this is in my several years of experience at trying these sites out, which is probably the reason I didn't put much effort into the OkCupid profile, since I'm not expecting much in return. People on the pay sites are not more serious. Yes, it's rather defeatist, but after nine years of trying several of these sites with no luck, I'll say again that dating sites are just another internet scam.