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[girl thread] any hope? or...mentally retarded choice.
Seaborn111
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
OK, from the top maestro!
basically Seaborn meets this girl. Seaborn and this girl hit it off. They hang out 5+ times, getting very close.
now for the personality part
in general, we mesh really well. Similiar taste in music, dress, places to hang out, etc.
Seaborn=liberal, from new orleans, supports democrats, has lesbian roommate. not really religious
girl=Texan. sooooo texan. George dubya knows best for us. Lesbians were mistreated as children and so rebel. attends church 3 times a week. calling this girl a neo con is like calling stalin "a bit moody"
so far this has not gotten in the way of having a great time, but each time one of these pseudo-subjects comes up, there is a 12 second silence (i've timed.) then a new subject just "spawns"
am i wasting my time with something that will eventually end in her attempting to exorcise me and me holding a miniature protest?
basically Seaborn meets this girl. Seaborn and this girl hit it off. They hang out 5+ times, getting very close.
now for the personality part
in general, we mesh really well. Similiar taste in music, dress, places to hang out, etc.
Seaborn=liberal, from new orleans, supports democrats, has lesbian roommate. not really religious
girl=Texan. sooooo texan. George dubya knows best for us. Lesbians were mistreated as children and so rebel. attends church 3 times a week. calling this girl a neo con is like calling stalin "a bit moody"
so far this has not gotten in the way of having a great time, but each time one of these pseudo-subjects comes up, there is a 12 second silence (i've timed.) then a new subject just "spawns"
am i wasting my time with something that will eventually end in her attempting to exorcise me and me holding a miniature protest?
</bush>
It's impossible for us to without a doubt prove the non-existence of God. We just have to take it on faith that he's imaginary..
Seaborn111 on
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So, yes, IMO it would be a waste of time dating her.
Otherwise, eventually down the road I see you getting totally sick and fed up of hearing the whole "Lesbians were abused as children" spiel for the 100th time, or hearing about church etc....
Since you've only hung out about 5 times, there's plenty more to talk about other than politics and religion. I have a feeling this will sort itself out. While it is possible to love someone with very different beliefs than you, it's going to come down to if you can talk about your different beliefs, rather than just avoiding them with silence, and without fighting. Right now you might not want to talk about religion or politics, but you will sometimes and if you can't talk to your partner about them...that sucks.
Just see where it goes.
I would not get onto some kick where you "educate" her into being a proper liberal. If you can't handle it as is, GTFO.
that's why we call it the struggle, you're supposed to sweat
Like I said, you're dating her, not marrying her; working out shit like this is what dating is for.
But it probably won't be.
Imagine a friend of yours telling you about how he met a girl who he meshed with really well. Similiar taste in music, dress, places to hang out, etc, and then imagine him going on to explain to you how he decided to pass on it because they had different political views.
He'd be silly, right?
Political views are far more important than taste in fucking music and clothes. It's not like, tee-hee, can I date a Red Sox fan, lol? here. It's "can I love and respect someone who advocates womb control, anti-gay policies, and entanglement of church and state."
I couldn't, but I'm like LadyM -- some of this shit is personal for me. I couldn't be more than casual pals with this girl. I guess it wouldn't hurt for you to date her and see whether you can handle it. Keep her away from your room-mate, though.
He actually knows a couple who are like caricatures of us, where the man is somewhat right of most Isolationists and the woman is somewhat to the left of most socialists. Those two have been together for 10 years, and just recently got married and are having a baby. I don't know how they do it, but it can be done, so if you aren't driving each other crazy with it then just see where it goes.
On the other hand, if you already can't respect her because of this then it's probably going nowhere good.
Basically, give it a shot. If it works out, awesome. If it doesnt, no big deal, you broke up with a homophobic neocon.
What are you going to do when she says something about your roommate? Are you going to tolerate her saying bigoted things about your friends? What about when she starts trying to take you to church? Meeting her family is likely going to be excruciating: I once went to my then-boyfriend's grandmother's funeral and was treated to a 45 minute sermon about how Jews are evil and going to hell and homosexuals are ruining America. (I'm ethnically Jewish and bi.)
If she was just religious, I'd say give it a shot, but bigots don't deserve any respect.
I don't really see Seaborn mentioning anything about bigotry. The stalin comparison is troubling as is the lesbian thing. But given the information, it's not fair to assume she will say anything about the roommate at all. Some people are against homosexuality but are content enough to let people who are to pass without comment. Maybe not though. Still worth a shot, just keep a close eye on any signs of bigotry. If nothing else, she might become a funny story to tell later on in life.
as per the age thing, Seaborn = 23 Girl = 22
the homophobia kinda came to a head the other night (probly the 10th or 12th time we've hung out)
She was at my house, my roommate was here and invited her girlfriend and 2 others over and we all just watched movies. At the end of the night she asked me quietly "were all those girls lesbians?" and i told her yes.
She got teary and said "that one girl was so cute and nice, i wonder what happened to her to make her this way"
I couldn't really answer, i just said "does something have to have happened?" and she didn't respond
so yeah, that's a bit tough. My roommate feels hurt and honestly i'd pick my roommate over this girl presently. My roommate was essentially my older sister since i was 15
Seriously, this will never work unless you get some mad doublethink going on in your head. How could you love someone who believes things that you majorly disagree with?
So, unless you can keep it real casual, don't bother. If you can't you will just get attached and then be more upset when things go sour.
but they're listening to every word I say
Honestly, people can believe whatever the hell they want. They can believe gay people are twisted perverts til the cows come home... as long as they keep it to themselves. If it's none of your business, don't make it your business. It sounds like this girl's problem is not that she's conservative, but that she has no tact. She's not obsessed with it because she's confused about her own sexuality, is she?
Let me say this from the perspective of a guy who grew up in an extremely conservative, fundamentalist, homeschooled household (and is now progressive, secular, and an atheist): Christians are taught that "homosexuality is the result of sexual abuse or rebellious behavior, period, no exceptions". If she believes that in her heart of hearts, there's nothing in the world that will change her mind. I've seen people leave the church and still hate gays because that propaganda digs in so deep.
My advice to you is that if you break it off with her, keep your reasons generic and soft. "Some of your deeply-held beliefs just make me very uncomfortable" is the right tone. A lot of people will encourage you to try to make a point, "I'm leaving you because you're a bigot", but that won't do any good at all, it'll just trip the Christian martyrdom reflex. Making it clear that you're following your conscience and not trying to prove a point will likely have a much greater affect on her, and may help her see a bit of light.
worst case scenario, trainwreck avoided
But with her, you may be stuck just nibbling an appetizer. There's no "problem," of course, because it's not like she's offended you or goes out of her way to pick a fight, and it seems that you're doing the same. The concern, as illustrated above, is what happens "next"? You like this girl so will probably want to have sex with her at some point, which may either not be possible until marriage or who knows. If a year goes by and you're living with her and your friends want to go to a gay pride parade, what happens? You have a huge fight?
Dating can be fun and you don't have to mesh perfectly with everyone you meet, but many people date with the intention of finding a soul mate. Or at least someone that they can see themselves staying with for a long period of time. Personally, I think that many people who end up in unhappy relationships are people who fundamentally don't get along but stay together because it's "fun" and then they get stuck in the relationship, unwilling to break it off.
Yeah, this looks like classic Love Won Out / Focus on the Family stuff. You can read up on it at that link if you're interested in getting an in-depth look without/before bringing it up with this girl.
This is something I wonder about. Because a few of my friends have homophobic neo-con views, but i'm always think 'well, I like their other qualities... and if i cut them out they'll only hang with like-minded people'. Surely its better that they have someone in their lives to at least call them on their shit when they say it?
--- As for the OP problem. Clarification on the roomates concerns are perhaps needed, especially of you trust her more. Me and my GF disagree on ALOT but respect each others opinions, listen and give our own viewpoints without trying to change their mind, just offer a different perspective.
That she goes silent rather than abbrasively argues is probably a good thing at this point. But if things do go well, make sure she does at least *see* your point of view, even if its different. You don't want to be in a situation where she sees you in the same way as those lesbians... that something has 'happenned to you' to make you think that way. If you can say 'yeah, I disagree, but thats OK' I'm sure it'll be fine. Just make sure neither of you are trying to 'fix' the other.
I'm protestant and my girlfriend is catholic but we are both liberal/socialist and neither of us are really into our religions. When we moved in together I came to her church with her a few times, but it was never because she was trying to convert me. I wanted to come to see if it was really much different from protestant services
(it is not) and you know, to see the guy who always wears the funny hat, the woman who sings too loudly, and so on. My girlfriend always had more to say about the congregation then the service, which was definitely the route if she was trying to get me to go, curiosity and whatnot.
Eventually sleeping in won out over making the harrowing trip through snow, ice and temperatures that would give you shrinkage just thinking about them.
If you have common ground, you can work out the differences or at least have something interesting to argue over. But I don't know if I could be with someone who hates/pities gays on top of being conservative and hard core religious. I'd feel like they had been brainwashed. Even if the subject hardly ever came up it would be weird. If they were perfect if every other way I'd give it a chance, but it is hard to see it going anywhere.
Good Advice: Pretty much what others were saying and you seem to have decided: talk it out and see what happens. My wife and I had a similar situation, which we now look back on and laugh about how closed minded we both were about different things. Variety can be the spice of life, as they say.
Good luck.