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Should I be worried? (Girlfriend trouble - Pictures yay!)(Dragon Slain)
Manguy
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
So I've got this girlfriend right, and we've been going out for about a year and a half now. Blah blah, on to the story.
So we're both social people, enjoy having a few drinks with friends and shit like that. Lately though (past 2 weeks) She's been mentioning about how she wants "her own" friends, as in people who pretty much know of me only as a name. I ask her to explain and to summarize the reasoning, it's because I tend to make friends with everyone I meet, people like me. She wants to have people who know her as her and not as us.
Okay, that's fine with me. She can have the ability to meet people without me trying to be controlling and bitter.
So a few days ago she has a thing with some of these friends out at a campground, they drink, dance around, what have you. I'm cool with that. A few days after that, same kinda story, people together, party time. 2 days after that same idea. And now last night same thing.
Getting a little excessive for me to be comfortable. I get that going out with some people can be fun, but like every second night seems a bit much. This is where I get worried, talked to her about it yesterday before she went out, told her that I was feeling uncomfortable with the constant distance she's putting between us and asked her if everything was alright, if she feels we spend too much time together, if she just plain doesn't want to be around me because I'm a terrible person.
Facebook is the gateway into a strange and twisted world, exactly where one would not like to find pictures like this:
That's her in the middle, and go figure, not me with her.
Am I overreacting to this whole situation? Should I jump off the ship now? I know it's not a picture of her with some other dude's wang in her face, but is this a first step down a rocky road?
So we're both social people, enjoy having a few drinks with friends and shit like that. Lately though (past 2 weeks) She's been mentioning about how she wants "her own" friends, as in people who pretty much know of me only as a name. I ask her to explain and to summarize the reasoning, it's because I tend to make friends with everyone I meet, people like me. She wants to have people who know her as her and not as us.
Okay, that's fine with me. She can have the ability to meet people without me trying to be controlling and bitter.
So a few days ago she has a thing with some of these friends out at a campground, they drink, dance around, what have you. I'm cool with that. A few days after that, same kinda story, people together, party time. 2 days after that same idea. And now last night same thing.
Getting a little excessive for me to be comfortable. I get that going out with some people can be fun, but like every second night seems a bit much. This is where I get worried, talked to her about it yesterday before she went out, told her that I was feeling uncomfortable with the constant distance she's putting between us and asked her if everything was alright, if she feels we spend too much time together, if she just plain doesn't want to be around me because I'm a terrible person.
Facebook is the gateway into a strange and twisted world, exactly where one would not like to find pictures like this:
That's her in the middle, and go figure, not me with her.
Am I overreacting to this whole situation? Should I jump off the ship now? I know it's not a picture of her with some other dude's wang in her face, but is this a first step down a rocky road?
Manguy on
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a.) Confront her and fix it. If it doesn't work out, cut your losses and move on. Don't yell, don't be mean, stay calm. Be easy going about it all and relaxed - she'll only be as calm as you are. If she interrupts you, raises her voice, gets defensive, then her behavior has betrayed her words. Tell her its over, and move on. Her reaction will inevitably tell you the truth.
b.) Wait it out, and slowly try and hang out with her more. Go to these parties, ask her what she's doing (she's obviously telling you) and then see if you can go. If she doesn't want you to guy, despite her guy friends being there, then something is up. Then, if it all comes to a head, go to option (a). If time goes by easy and you two begin spending more time together, then great! You guys are young, and it isn't surprising she wants to party. What you think is excessive may be perfectly fine to her. And sorry to say man, but double standards do exist. Either you go out and try to do more stuff with her, or you try to get her to re-direct her energy towards activities the both of you can do (not involving partying, because obviously you're not into it), or you just put your full faith in her. It's either that, or option (a).
I AM into partying, I love doing exactly that kind of thing, people, drinks, all rad.
I asked her if I could actually tag along one time, and she said "I just want these people to know ME not US"I talked to her before, said I wanted to make more time for us to do things because in recent times her nights are either facebooking/MSNing or out on the town.
It's not just that I am not being invited, I'm being deliberately NOT invited (she goes out of her way to mention that it's a 'closed' group or some shit.
Don't be her emotional crutch. I personally say your only option is (a). You need her to know that shit isn't the center of your universe, and that you can move on without her. Remember what I said, you need to be relaxed, calm, and think through EVERYTHING you say. Make it a habit to stop and stop and think about everything you want to say, and don't. You cannot let your words betray how you really feel. She needs to be iced out, because she's icing YOU out. Be concise, and stick to small, simple statements, nothing dramatic or drawn out. Be in and out. Again, her reaction will tell you the truth.
If she goes after you and tries to work with you, then you have a legitimate chance. If she accepts it and has very little reaction, you guys never had a chance.
On its own the picture means nothing, people hug their opposite-sex platonic friends all the time; and its worth nothing that the dude is just kinda sitting there, he's not doing anything sexual or hugging your GF back in a couple-y way. The real issue is the emotional distance and you not feeling comfortable with her new going out patterns. The picture is a red herring.
I'd echo Deagle25's advice and urge you to confront her with your unabated concerns--bring the picture up too. Tell her it got you worried and be ready to bail on the relationship or put in work to save it as the situation dictates.
Thanks for the replies by the way.
If my girlfriend was hugging a guy like yours is in that picture, I would bring something up the second I saw it. Your not being over protective, she is your girlfriend and if she is making you uncomfortable with somethings she is doing she should respect that. Something tells me that if she knew you were doing the same thing with a girl she would be pissed (most girls would).
You going along to meet these people does not mean you are going to become friends with them and hang out with them like she does. You just want to meet them and there is nothing wrong with that. Honestly, it would freak me out if my girl was going off with other people, some of which are guys, and deliberately keeping me from meeting them, and if pictures like that popped up, I would be even more concerned.
So basically, I would bring this up to her bluntly and calmly ASAP. She should understand your concerns and try to help you with them, they are legitimate. You don't sound as though you are being over protective at all. You're allowed to get jealous.
Good luck man, I hope it all works out.
Agreed. But that's not how the world works. Reality is, society does not work around the idea of "equality" or "fairness," but I must say that you must not use this as an excuse to go apeshit on her. She won't react well to that. She's obviously a "little" inconsiderate of your feelings and willing to let you know that you aren't the center of her universe, so respond in kindly. When you let her know that you are her under her will, under her beck and call, it will only lead to your downfall - not as a man (because masculenity has nothing to do with it) - but rather as a significant other within the relationship.
You don't appreciate that she's "purposely" putting space the two of you, and you want to know if there's a reason behind it. If she cant give you a direct answer, tell her that you need to move one. Now, like Demosthorn said, if your relationship has spanned a period of 18+ months, then definitely let her know that working through this problem is perferable to to just ending the relationship. But after going through this multiple times myself, I've learned that body language and linguistics play a big role in how confrontations work out. If you let her know that you "need" her, then you're pretty screwed unless you ran across and incredibly amazing/rare girl. Otherwise man, it looks pretty bad. Regardless of whether or not it's only been "just two weeks" the situation seems shaky, from what I gather, has been shaky for maybe quite a while. Don't wait. Nip it in the bud before it lingers and hurts you even further.
I just want to let you know man. It might hurt, it probably already does hurt. I mean, when I was younger, the single thought of my g/f wanting to give me up for "other things" was fucking heart wrenching. Don't let it kill you man. People change, and so do feelings. If it happens...it happens. You just need to move on. I hope everything works out, bud.
no i'm just saying don't get all butthurt over a hug.
the hug is 1/5 things that are apart of the problem, though. Together, it presents a huge problem.
People change. Especially at this young age. It is just how life works. She could just be changing and this could mean nothing. However there is a chance that this is red herring and that you may not be part of this new future.
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But that doesn't mean it wouldn't have ended from all the obsessing and suspicion. Point is; you should spare yourself from tormenting you with "what is she really doing?" and over-analyzing every move.
Going out by herself without you should be a normal enough thing. But by what you've said, what she's up to seems shady.
Well, that's all you really need to know. It isn't sustainable for both your relationship. So, spare yourself any harsh words and wild arguments. And spare yourself of petty control methods which you may be accused of. By just letting yourself like her for how she used to be in the relationship and fucking dump her in the nicest way you can think of -- but by no means as a tactic to get her to change her mind. Let it go mate. Move on. Heal your wounds. I'm guessing you're in your early twenties, so these things always end. And this is the best possible place to get off the bus.
No. Not yet, at least. I too would be uncomfortable with the situation, but only taken as a whole. Every bit is ok by itself (wants to have her friends, wants to be without you once in a while, likes to go out, has a picture where she hugs a random co-worker), it's just the addition of all these bits, combined with the "I want them to know me as me, not as us" that sounds weird.
I wouldn't tell you to dump her right away as some people are saying, but you can't let this shit fly and not do a single thing about it. My advice? Confront her (nicely) about it. Have a talk. If she just had a peak of "going out"-ness and everything gets back to normal, you'll be happy you didn't jump to conlusions and act hastily. If problems persist, or at least, a perception of a problem stays in your mind, it's not too late to take more drastic measures to solve it, such as ending the relationship.
When there's a problem, dumping her is always an option but it shouldn't be your first option.
My wife and I are pretty independent people; we'll be home together, me in my room responding to threads in penny arcade, and she'll be in her room working on a cat video or browsing jezebel or something. I don't really know what she's doing, to be honest, and I'm cool with that. Right now she's working out in the yard, and I'm up here typing this. We have our "own things" that we do.
But we also really like each other's company. That's why we're married, after all, so if I'm going out to an event, I want to surround myself with my favorite people. Therefore, it's obvious that I'd want her along. I know she feels the same way, but we still sometimes do things without the other -- namely, work events where it's really boring for people who are non-work people.
Your situation, though, she's going out and partying and having fun with people, and purposefully excluding you. Now, I personally see that as similar to excluding a sibling -- and you do that because you don't want the sibling to see something, or you don't want the sibling to report to parents or whatever.
So what is she doing that she can't report back to you? And why does she want you to be "a name" and not a body? If she's talking about you, and has no excuse as to why you're not there... I'm inclined to think you're not even a name when she goes out. You may be "boyfriend" or you may be nothing at all.
I don't think she's physically cheating, but she certainly seems to be emotionally cheating. She may simply be wondering if she can still "play the field" and have other guys like her. She may just like the thrill of having guys hit on her and lead them on. But, well, you can see how that would make someone uncomfortable, and I don't think anyone in this thread feels that you're in the wrong.
Maybe this partying alone thing is just to get him jealous and so she can show him that he's not the only one that can make lots of friends.
The response to this might be to come to her very bored and lonely and slightly jealous and tell her that you miss her. That might be what she's going for.
That is, if that's what she's doing, and if you want to play into that kind of deception.
However, I can also see it being something like what has been mentioned above, and much more serious.
That's it. Couldn't find better words to express it. This is what irks me in the current scenario. Purposely excluding her boyfriend.
She may also feel like your more extroverted personality overpowers hers when you hang out with people as a couple, so their attention naturally turns toward you. Going out when you feel like you have to fight for attention isn't fun for anyone.
Either way, I wouldn't jump to "something fishy is going on." When people make new friends, they often want to spend lots of time with their new friends; this will likely taper off. Once she feels like she's established herself in her group, you can push to get invited along, but this particular circle of friends may not be one where people generally bring their significant others along. Thus far, it's only been two weeks; give her some time.
Oh, and if you want to spend time with her, make specific plans. Expecting her to stay at home waiting for you isn't fair. Make a specific date to go out and do something fun. If she breaks it last-minute because her new friends want to go party, you've got problems, but right now it just looks like she's enjoying having her own friends.
This was my first instinct as well.
Do you even know that dude in the picture? I mean, it could be nothing, but I know if my girlfriend was good enough friends with some dude to be all huggy with him like that I think I would know who he is or she would have introduced him to me.
Alone time with her friends and stuff is alright, but I would kinda be upset if she didn't at least introduce them to me and let me get to know them a bit.
but they're listening to every word I say
Anyway, just with the knowledge that she 1) Wants to keep you away from her new friends, 2) Is about to break that dude's sternum with her bear hug and 3) Parties incessantly while demanding your absence, you can pretty much conclude that she's no longer interested in a serious relationship with you. However, as with most people, she's just going to drag this whole fiasco until either you end it or you're on Maury awaiting the paternity test results.
Spending all day every day with your SO will cause a breakup. Space and having separate lives at times are the best way to avoid this. I'd proceed with caution but ignore all of the oh she hugged someone you should break up with her comments.
I wholeheartedly agree that you definitely have to have time to yourself or you'll just go crazy. I agree in principle with what you said abut the hug, but not in his situation. That does not appear to be a "we're good friends" hug. Not at all.
People do things like that for pictures. I wouldn't jump on the whole, oh shes cheating on you leave her, bandwagon so quickly. Give it a little longer and see what happens before jumping to conclusions.
Not to mention, this isn't about doing something on her own. This is about going out of her way to exclude him. She specifically does not want him to know the people she is hanging out with. It's not about the hug, it's about the attitude. She is either hiding something from you or you're not important enough in her life to introduce you to her friends even if you wouldn't be hanging out often.
Or she doesn't want to spend 24/7 around her boyfriend, get sick of him, and leave him.
That's not generally how you do it though. If my girlfriend goes out, I know the people she is hanging out with. I've met them, I've hung out with them, but they are very much my girlfriend's friends. His girlfriend is very clearly drawing a line in the sand that she wants two seperate lives. There's a reason for that and it's not that "she doesn't want to get sick of him." I'd be saying this exact same thing without the picture. It's because she's hiding something, whether it be what she is doing, the people she is hanging out with or simply her feelings.
Yeah, most couples don't want to spend 24/7 around each other - but I've MET my poker buddies' wives on occasion, I've MET my friends' girlfriends. Maybe in just a cursory enough way to say "hi" to or whatever, but most people don't keep their SO secret. It's weird that she doesn't even want her "me friends" to ever meet him, at all.
I host a podcast about movies.
GF making friends, including guy friends? Cool.
GF wanting to spend time with said friends, even without you around? Also cool.
GF explicitly stating that you should never meet them, nor should you ever be present at any situation involving them? Major not cool.
The picture is not the issue, it's the entire situation. By itself, that picture could be seen as her hamming it up for the camera with a good friend. But the problem lays in the fact that, to his knowledge, these people all think she's single, including the guy she's all up on. Even if she has told all/some that she has a BF, he's never there, never around, never invited, and for all intents and purposes of that group, an imaginary friend.
As others noted, him meeting this group of people now and again does not diminish them as "her" friends, nor does it make him controlling. It's just a common courtesy to introduce them, and explicitly stating that he's not only not invited, but not welcome to ever be invited reeks of something going on.
This is pretty much all a rehassh of what's said already, but I'm just adding my 2 cents in on it.
Something is most certainly up here, it doesn't have to be cheating... but she's either hiding something from you, hiding you from them, or she's hiding herself from you. Up to you to either say screw it and move on, or talk to her and try and figure it out. If you are both serious about this relationship, or ever hope to be, you need to be able to talk about this (and many other serious topics) openly.
After I talked to her about it for a while this seemed to be the most logical conclusion to the whole situation. Before reading this post I mentioned to her that I was cool with her going out, but that I think we should plan some things together, and that I'd like to meet the people at least once. All the parties, from what I hear were largely based on people getting back to school, celebrating the end of summer, which does a tidy job of explaining why so many all at once.
When it came to the picture, she mentioned that she had been around that guy (whom she works with) very little that night, but that he had always seemed like a hermit, controlled by his mother (who oddly also works in the same place). They just wanted him to have a good time. From what I got out of our talk, she is a lot like me when I drink with friends, almost flirtatious, but without intent...
I told her that if she told me I could trust her then I would, but that I'd have to meet these friends to trust them.
After we talked, I went out of my way to get a hold of the guy in the picture, invited him to come over some time and play some MTG (Magic the Gathering, which we both play). I figure that we can get friendly without being friends, per say, and that this is a good step in to quelling my fears.
This is what being in a relationship is about, and I know that. I can't sit by and see what looks to be someone walk away with no explanation, but at a certain point, you have to take their word for it and put in some faith.
With all that being said and done, I accept what she's telling me as the truth, but not without a layer of mistrust sprinkled lightly over the cake of love that we share. Regardless I'll be on the lookout for more warning signs, so if something else pops up, and the something else again, I'll be on my toes.
Thanks for all your help and advice, guys and gals. Hopefully you won't see me posting a similar thread any time soon