Drunk Father

atkin44

Right so, im kinda at a loss here i have absolutly no idea how to help the situation but i feel i cant sit back and do nothing.

Im currently in a relationship with an amazing girl, her name aint important. We have been incredibly close for over a year and recently started going out. It all started at a party at mine a while back when she broke down in tears while we were hugging. She was pretty drunk. She confided in me that her father is a drunk. I cant really discribe how i felt at this time, it was sort of a mixture of anger and anguish because unlike other teenage issues this is a pretty fucking huge one (sorry i didnt mention but we are both 16).

I didnt really know what to say at that point, she was all a mess crying which in my opinion is understandable. I just embraced her and told her its okay.
Her father comes often visits the local pub to come back drunk, leaving my girl friend to look after two dogs on her own, while her mother relaxes or sleep (she has different shift patterns with her work). This often means that my girl friend is staying up until stupid times like 1a.m. in the morning when she has work or school the next day.

Due to several of these late nights in a row, she came down with a case of Shingles. This happened during her GCSE's. I was so furious that someone like a Father could have this much of an impact it really really isnt fair.

Of course its having a massive impact on her whole family, her mother is grouchy and snaps, the whole family relationship is strained due to this one problem and i hate being on the outside watching it destroy her and them.

I had another party last night and again she broke down on me, telling me she thinks its getting worse and she just wants her father to leave. I love her so much and to see her like this is destroying me, she is such a strong person and has to be for her younger sister.

I would just like any advice on what i can do to make her life better, what comforts can i say or do? I really need to help her desperatly.

I dont really know her family, her brother is always away at Uni, her mother is usually around but very quiet. Her father usually doing some building work on the house OR working in his two Jobs.

Lacroix

Due to several of these late nights in a row, she came down with a case of Shingles. This happened during her GCSE's. I was so furious that someone like a Father could have this much of an impact it really really isnt fair.

I got shingles during my GCSEs so I wouldn't read too much into that part. But as for the rest, i'm sorry to say it but 'do nothing' seems the most appropriate. Be there for her always, and if you're really that worried, maybe ask her to live with you until you can afford to get a place together? (preferably asking your parents first). Wouldn't be that great for your family but its hardly like you'd be the first teen to abuse a parents hospitality.

TBH, getting too involved may get the drunken father annoyed and make life worse for the gf and her mother. All I can really think to say is just keep doing what you're doing and be there for her. It sucks, and I know you want to fix things when a loved one is hurting, but often you can't. Also, trying to offer ways to 'fix' the problem to her will probably piss her off too... she likely just needs to have you there to talk to and offering solutions to a problem you don't have any experience with may make her angry.

Sorry - maybe some other posts will have better advice, but thats my two cents. If it were your dad it would be a totally different story.

LewieP's Mummy

There's absolutely nothing you can do to fix the situation, he needs to see there's a problem before his behaviour will change. All you can do is carry on loving her, being there for her, supporting and encouraging her. I know its horrid for you, but you can't really interfere, you'd probably do no good, and risk being excluded.

I was in her situation from being 14, but it was my mum. I met LP's daddy when I was 17, he made an incredible difference to me, and to my life, just by loving me, caring for me, and keeping me safe when I was with him. I used to stay at his parents' house on Saturday nights, and also at my best friend's house when i couldn't cope with home any more. It was our 27th wedding anniversary on Friday. I left home when I was 19, to go to uni; my brother (who is a year younger) had it much harder, cos my mum would sober up when I came home for the weekend, and be drunk all week.

My mum stopped drinking years ago, and remembers very little of my teens, probably for the best. I've a good relationship with her again, but my brother doesn't, he finds it too hard to forgive her, and its made him bitter towards her. I decided to forgive her, it was easier than letting it all fester, and anyway, she was an addict, she couldn't control it once she was hooked.

You supporting your girlfriend is the best thing you can do. There's also a support organisation for the family of alcoholics.

Xaquin

atkin44 wrote: »

Her father comes often visits the local pub to come back drunk, leaving my girl friend to look after two dogs on her own, while her mother relaxes or sleep (she has different shift patterns with her work). This often means that my girl friend is staying up until stupid times like 1a.m. in the morning when she has work or school the next day.

I don't understand this part. Is she staying up till 1:00 am looking after dogs?

Weretaco

You might want to suggest Alanon to her (http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/). They are basically made for this situation.

the cheat

and try to get the rest of the family to go. sometimes that's what makes em go in for treatment. seeing their family get all up in that AA stuff. they get it after seeing that, sometimes.

other things you can do for her is invite her over like a lot, and then let her stay until it's pretty much time to go to sleep. staying the fuck out of his hair will be very good for her. suggest to her some afterschool activites like cheerleading or clubs or something. staying out of the house is a huge help, i can say from experience having an abusive step-dad.

DrFrylock

There's actually a tremendous amount of literature on this subject, generally found under the heading "Adult Children of Alcoholics." If you do a Google search, you'll find several sites. There are also many books. I found this one informative but a little histrionic. Others include this, which I haven't read, and there are others linked from those Amazon pages. I also suggest reading some books on codependence and family systems theory / Bowen theory.

Family systems theory is very important, because it helps to understand situations like this one from a holistic, rather than a specific, perspective. This is often counter-intuitive: you see a single major problem (Dad's alcoholism) and think that if you can just fix this, everything will come back into balance. In reality, it's probably more likely that the entire family system is out of whack, and Dad's alcoholism is just the most obvious and destructive symptom. Likely, addressing the root cause of these problems will require readjustment of boundaries and roles from Dad, Mom, your girlfriend, and any other of her family members.

In general, there's very little you as an outsider can do in this situation to fix it. However, it never hurts to get informed on some of the dynamics that are typical in these situations, and maybe if she's ready you can share some of this with your girlfriend. Getting perspective on a situation is often the first step to making real headway in fixing it, or at least coming to a healthy point in one's own life. Who knows, maybe you'll learn something about yourself too?