The new forums will be named Coin Return (based on the most recent vote)! You can check on the status and timeline of the transition to the new forums here.
The Guiding Principles and New Rules document is now in effect.
Need some help coping [Girl Thread, I am sorry]
Mr_Anonymous
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Right I'll try to keep this brief.
I'm nineteen, and will be going out with my girlfriend three years come October. I'm going into my second year of college, whereas she is going into her first in September. She has this idea that she can't commit to me fully until she has met other guys and made sure I'm "the one" as it were. I don't want to do this, she does, and I can't stop her really and apart from a tiny voice screaming in the back of my head, I don't even want to.
I really don't want to lose this gal. I know she's a special one - we almost never fight, and I mean I can only think of maybe one major argument in a 3 year period. We support each other very well and we have a great time. She's my best friend as well as my girlfriend, no doubt about it.
My problems are threefold:
a) I am having real trouble accepting that very soon this girl will be off limits to me, and that I'll have to accept her being with other guys. It all feels so strange because we're very much in love, and I don't understand why she feels the need to prove this to herself. So I feel sort of... inadequate is not quite the word but... well it fits well enough. I feel very confused, and can't keep my mind off the fact that for however long (and I'm trying to accept that it could be forever) I'm going to have to do without her. I'm trying to focus on the bright side - wow I get to be a nineteen year old, single college student - but I'm no fool; I know that what I have with her is better than ten one night stands no matter how hot the girls are. I go through phases of being ok with it, and then phases of feeling on the brink of a crying jag, as pathetic as that sounds. Please, tell me how to be positive about this and enjoy it.
b) How do I cope with her being with other guys? I'm not a very jealous person, but it's definitely in me to be that guy, the one who gets all depressed every time he hears about his ex locking lips with some other boy. I want to be okay with it, but I know I'm not going to be, even if I get plenty myself. (selfish I know)
c) How do I pass the time? Right now she's away on holiday and I'm spending a lot of time brooding. I have a lot of hobbies but find I can't focus on anything - just spent an hour trying to write and ended up with my head on the desk thinking about this.
Also, does anyone have any ideas for keeping the possibility of our relationship alive? I'm not going to be an idiot - I fully intend to try and embrace the single life - but I don't know how to do this, and see her doing it, and still end up working things out. At the very least, I want to maintain our friendship. I can't tell anyone else some of the things I can easily tell her.
Sorry to be yet another guy moaning about his girl troubles, but I'm feeling really low here and could use the advice.
tl;dr - Losing my girlfriend for a really weird reason and don't know how to cope with all that that entails. Yes I know I'm a wuss
I'm nineteen, and will be going out with my girlfriend three years come October. I'm going into my second year of college, whereas she is going into her first in September. She has this idea that she can't commit to me fully until she has met other guys and made sure I'm "the one" as it were. I don't want to do this, she does, and I can't stop her really and apart from a tiny voice screaming in the back of my head, I don't even want to.
I really don't want to lose this gal. I know she's a special one - we almost never fight, and I mean I can only think of maybe one major argument in a 3 year period. We support each other very well and we have a great time. She's my best friend as well as my girlfriend, no doubt about it.
My problems are threefold:
a) I am having real trouble accepting that very soon this girl will be off limits to me, and that I'll have to accept her being with other guys. It all feels so strange because we're very much in love, and I don't understand why she feels the need to prove this to herself. So I feel sort of... inadequate is not quite the word but... well it fits well enough. I feel very confused, and can't keep my mind off the fact that for however long (and I'm trying to accept that it could be forever) I'm going to have to do without her. I'm trying to focus on the bright side - wow I get to be a nineteen year old, single college student - but I'm no fool; I know that what I have with her is better than ten one night stands no matter how hot the girls are. I go through phases of being ok with it, and then phases of feeling on the brink of a crying jag, as pathetic as that sounds. Please, tell me how to be positive about this and enjoy it.
b) How do I cope with her being with other guys? I'm not a very jealous person, but it's definitely in me to be that guy, the one who gets all depressed every time he hears about his ex locking lips with some other boy. I want to be okay with it, but I know I'm not going to be, even if I get plenty myself. (selfish I know)
c) How do I pass the time? Right now she's away on holiday and I'm spending a lot of time brooding. I have a lot of hobbies but find I can't focus on anything - just spent an hour trying to write and ended up with my head on the desk thinking about this.
Also, does anyone have any ideas for keeping the possibility of our relationship alive? I'm not going to be an idiot - I fully intend to try and embrace the single life - but I don't know how to do this, and see her doing it, and still end up working things out. At the very least, I want to maintain our friendship. I can't tell anyone else some of the things I can easily tell her.
Sorry to be yet another guy moaning about his girl troubles, but I'm feeling really low here and could use the advice.
tl;dr - Losing my girlfriend for a really weird reason and don't know how to cope with all that that entails. Yes I know I'm a wuss
Mr_Anonymous on
0
This discussion has been closed.
Posts
I believe if it's meant to work out and you two are the ones for eachother it'll def happen. You just gotta ride it out my friend and hey possible go on a few dates yourself. Nothing wrong with that.
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
I'll preface what i'm saying with 'some people are just like that; and don't want to have any regrets'
BUT it is idiotic. It's not like trying every flavour of ice-cream. You can go out with hundreds of people and none of that could lead you to say that since all of them weren't the one, it must be you. It is ridiculous. Dating is not an empirical science.
Because i'm spiteful, I would suggest telling her about someone you've hooked up with before she has even if its a lie, and prompting (hopefully) the same 'I dont want you to be doing that' response from her that you're feeling, and get an even communication going, with each knowing how the other feels personally.
BUT - this can backfire, and make her do crazy girl-logic to prove that you don't care about her because you slept with someone first and thus you're the one bailing.
I had predicted it was her first year of uni before you even mentioned it though, which does't bode well IMO. Sounds like she's doing that cliche high schooler goes to college to have fun, whilst stringing along you as the 'safe' option to vent to when shit happens she doesn't like.
You're not a wuss. And if you love her, just be honest and tell her the things about your life and keep that friendship going. If you love her, you just have to stick with the crazy and don't have much of a choice. Also, watch Sports Night season 2, you'll empathise.
You need to get over it and move on with your life.
a) this girl
b) your relationship
c) yourself
May not even remotely match hers, despite what you think and what she tells you. Sorry man, but like Thanatos says, she's breaking up with you and the reason is kind of irrelevant.
On the bright side, you are 19. It's cliche, I know, and it may not necessarily help to hear, but as long as you don't lose your fishing rod, the sea is full of catfish.
my ex.
Let her go, focus on school/work/hobby/whatever and in a few months you'll be fine and ready to find a girl who doesn't want to dump you for some other guy(s) that she hasn't even met yet but assumes may be better then you.
Yeah throwing in with the This crowd.
Which sucks, but you're young, you'll rebound, don't become a myspace stalker. Respect yourself and if she doesn't think you're the one based on how awesome you are, then fuck her Jobu, other bitches out there dying for some healthy man meat.
pleasepaypreacher.net
Has your girlfriend dated anyone else before? A lot of people feel that they really need to explore their options while they're young and get it out of their system. That way (in theory) they can better commit to a SO they really want to stick around with. I know doing this is horrible for the person being broken up with, but it really can be beneficial for a lot of people. The flip side of this is the girl (or guy) who is only with one person through high school/college and beyond, wonders what else is out there and starts having affairs after you're married and have kids. In theory, exploring one's options in college gets rid of that urge later in life and makes him/her a better partner.
...but that doesn't make anything easier on you. How did you break up? Are you going to stay in contact, or are you two cutting off completely? There's a slim chance that after she gets this out of her system she'll come back, but it's much, MUCH more likely that it's over, and the best to hope for is a post-relationship friendship. I'm really sorry.
As far as coping, the main thing is to keep busy. Put a lot of effort into your studies. Take weekend trips. Hang around with great friends. Don't just sit around the house and brood.
The "why" is really irrelevant. It's the "what now" that you need to focus on. People are so fixated on divining the reasons behind a breakup, but in practice, it's probably better not to know, and in most cases will just prolong the heartache anyhow.
Do "I'm just not as into you as you are to me" or "our relationship doesn't mean as much to me as the prospect of new experiences and partners" really sound better than "I can't be sure I want to commit to you, until I've experienced other partners"? Would hearing either of the former actually make you hurt less?
Realize that she's sparing your feelings, stop worrying about why she's doing this, and move on. How you go about that will depend entirely on you.
Twitter | Facebook | Tumblr | Last.fm | Pandora | LibraryThing | formspring | Blue Moon over Seattle (MCFC)
Take it maturely and don't sulk over it too much for too long. Keep your confidence and chin up. Women don't like to see a guy who's occupied with the past and probably the most important thing in this is you now have to show her that you're strong. Show her that you can get by just fine without her and show her that you can still have a great time and that your are mature enough to do this. Anyone can have tremendous respect for you doing this and she can too. She does not need to see you depressed or sulking or etc and you don't need her thinking anything less than you really are man and that's strong.
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
limed for repeatability
The easiest way to get yourself messed up over this is to treat it like it's not a normal break-up (speaking, of course, from experience); if you want to stay friends after some time has passed that's fine (though very dangerous), and if she comes back in a year or two saying what a horrible decision she made you can make a call then, but assuming (or spending your time hoping) that it's going to happen is a recipe for disaster
Look at her, say, "listen, I've been thinking about what you've been saying about making sure we're right for eachother... and I don't think we are. Have fun at college," and walk away. Don't show ANY emotion. Anger, happiness, sadness. Be monotone, like you don't care. If she cares about you, she'll come running. If this is a real breakup, she won't care. A winner is you.
Double limed, to um, re-repeat this.
If she does split, you're pretty much fucked unless she starts sweet talking you, and even then you can't be sure she's not still hooking up with people if you're at different universities. Maybe if it's trivial distance and you both still hang out on weekends or something. Attempting to set ground rules like 'No Talking About SO's, etc., will not work.
When she said we need time apart, I tried to convince her otherwise, but she was steadfast. She still wanted to be friends though and said we would likely get back together once she sorted out her emotions. So I tried to chill and went on a vacation that was already planned.
I come back from vacation 3 weeks after our "time apart" break up and she is dating one of my good friends. I would have been ok with his, but when I discussed it with her she said it was my friend who wanted to date her and she was dating him to make him happy and it wasn't serious. That pissed me off. Like a lot. She wanted to string both of us along?
I told her its over, we would not be getting back together ever, period, and that I didn't want to even hear her voice for a while. She said I was acting immature and childish, but somehow I don't think I was the one acting immature. I wish I had broke up with her for good when she first told me we needed time apart because it would have saved a month of heart ache. And she stayed with my friend and my group of friends just long enough to make things really awkward.
There are girls who don't create drama and heart ache and fuck up your circle of friends, find one of those. Don't try to hang onto someone who has left you, talk is cheap, either you are a couple right now, or they have broken up with you.
What you need to figure out is if you're willing to endure her fucking a bunch of guys (sorry, it happens in college) while stringing you along with the hope that maybe after she's finished she'll come back to you.
At least she's not openly trying to have her cake and eat it too. She's doing the right thing by ending it. It'll save you a lot of heartbreak and torment down the road.
This is what you must do. Do it now.
Ehhh, I don't know that he needs to try to "play" her, but breaking up with her now isn't a bad idea.
Also, I know people use BS lines about "needing to sleep with other people to make sure" often enough (judging by the bitter replies in this thread) but how often to people actually buy that crap?
Y'know.
To make sure.
I wouldn't consider this playing her. Really, one way or another he should break up with her. Period. That last part is just mentioning what will happen after. Playing her would be intentionally making her jealous, by, breaking up with her by saying "you're right, I want to go explore my options too," and then keeping slight contact, mentioning the great people (girls) he's met. That's playing her.
Ditto. Same exact thing happened to me. EDIT: Haha, replied to this entry and then read below it to realize at least a few other people went through this exact same thing. This is a common scenario, and pretty much always is an actual breakup. I think going off to college is a test of a persons "love" and commitment, and it's when people realize what they said in high school about being "the one" etc. may not hold up when they get out into the real world. It's called growing up, some people do it at different times and drag other people's emotions with them when they do it, and it sucks.
And I held on to the false hope of "well once she figures shit out she'll come around." And she even kept dragging me along with the "I still love you, but still can't be in an exclusive relationship due to college" bullshit.
This is a breakup. If you're like me, you're probably in denial that a really long term relationship where both people love each other can possibly end up in a breakup like this for a stupid reason. It can. They do. I dragged my similar situation on for years afterwards, again more just convincing myself that things would work out, and it just makes things harder.
So like everyone else said (Than put it really well too), treat this like a breakup. Treat this like she is dumping you, because that is what's happening even if it doesn't seem like that in your romantic view of things. Don't expect her to come around. Do your best to get over her and find someone who is a bit more mature, and wants the kind of relationship you want.
I'm not saying that this story can't end up with you two together and living happily ever after, I'm just saying it probably won't and you shouldn't expect it to or try to make it that way.
No, not even that.
At least this breakup is coming at the beginning of the year. Thanksgiving was always a bad time for most of the kids still in a HS relationship where I went. That's when most of the breakups came. At least he's got it out of the way and hasn't wasted a couple months.
Treat it like a normal breakup because it is.
Please don't edit out the rest of my sentence to completely change the meaning of what I said.
Also please don't act like you can predict the future.
If someone is "the one" you don't need to dump them while you test the waters. This isn't taste testing, or testing a car, or any other form of testing -- it's "legalized cheating."
But if you think you're still going to be a couple, the first time you hear she went out on a date you're going to feel like she just cheated on you. Only worse, because she told you about it before hand -- essentially saying "I am going to date other men, and would like you to stick around for me in case I decide to come back."
Yeah whatever. Take my stance, figure that either she wants you now for what and who you are, or she doesn't deserve you. I don't play second fiddle to anyone and neither should you. Move on and find someone who actually wants to have a healthy, mature relationship. You deserve better than sitting around acting like a jack-rear while someone else plays petty mind games with your heart.
Truth hurts.
I'll repeat that:
She assigned me as a number, and judged based on that number.
This was from out of the blue too. No indication of it before, and when we broke up she dated a friend for the next 2 years because she "felt sorry for him." Took me a good long while to get over it because I still talked to her. Fucking stupid excuses. Don't talk to her after this. Get her out of your day, out of your head, and on with your life. Real people do not do this shit.
Let 'em eat fucking pineapples!
Get, the great living fuck, out of there
The real question, and this is a serious question, are there good looking girls (an amount statistically measurable) who don't create drama and heartache?
Yes
Probably like half of people have some version of this story; the reason a lot of us sound more bitter probably has to do with the length of time spent hoping to get back together instead of just putting it behind us and moving on.
Which is why we're all being so forceful - dragging out your acceptance over it being a real break-up and moving on to wanting to see other people is just going to make you depressed in the short term and have no real impact in the long term. Yes, it's theoretically possible that she'll realize her mistake quickly and come crawling back, but if you cling to that hope it's just going to limit your desire to actually go out and meet someone new.
As for coping, the truth is that it's like any other type of break-up; depending on your personality, it could be something you get over in a couple days or it could be something that somewhat lingers until you meet some new girl that is completely amazing (which invariably happens)
also, I totally missed the Sports Night reference earlier... *belated high five*
If you think she is a slut or a bitch or something you are an idiot. Wanting to experience life for yourself without having a whole bunch of ties to someone miles away is not something to be ashamed of.
But yes. You need to treat this like a break up. It is a breakup. The internet will make this a million times harder. DO NOT facestalk her. It will only make things a million times worse. If you can't get over her and talk to her at the same time (most people can't, I couldn't) then cut her the fuck out of your life.
https://medium.com/@alascii
If there is one lesson for the OP and all of us readers, it is that people, women and men, can have very shallow reasons for doing the things they do, even when they want to play around with terms like "true love" or "the one" or whatever.
No, but stringing someone along while you 'experience life' certainly is.
I agree with the consensus of the thread. Tell her its over, move on, dont facestalk (cool term btw, Dodgeblan
I couldn't put it more eloquently or honestly if I tried. She wants to sleep with other people, and she wants you to wait around while she does in case it doesn't work out for her. You deserve better than that.