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Terrible Sex

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Posts

  • cooljammer00cooljammer00 Hey Small Christmas-Man!Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    so why don't all the lonely folks in the world be friends with each other, and all the virgins just fuck each other.

    It's so simple!

    cooljammer00 on
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  • GravesGraves Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Because that's too simple.

    Graves on
  • Andrew RyanAndrew Ryan Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    And because no one wants to fuck a reclusive virgin, not even other reclusive virgins.

    Andrew Ryan on
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  • HomelessHomeless Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    seriously man too many pimples

    Homeless on
  • The Black HunterThe Black Hunter Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    The closest I ahve come to a horrible sex story was having to share a tent to some bung chick who breathed heavily enough to fog up a car.

    She snored so loudly I grabbed my sleeping bag and slept outside on the flat plain.

    I was woken up by wind flaying my face off

    The Black Hunter on
  • GravesGraves Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    How does sex come into that?

    Graves on
  • Seattle ThreadSeattle Thread Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Graves wrote: »
    How does sex come into that?
    The wind never called back

    Seattle Thread on
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  • geckonidaegeckonidae Registered User
    edited August 2008
    I got walked in on by a German tourist in a hotel
    then got stuck awkwardly waiting in a corridor right next to her

    I can laugh about it now etc etc

    geckonidae on
  • YaYaYaYa Decent. Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    was she cute

    YaYa on
  • geckonidaegeckonidae Registered User
    edited August 2008
    YaYa wrote: »
    was she cute

    yes

    bow chicka wow wow
    actually I dont remember

    geckonidae on
  • GravesGraves Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    I once was mid coitus and then my brother burst into my room like "SOMEONE'S AT THE DOOR" and I was all "GET THE FUCK OUT" and the person at the door turned out to be my girlfriend's mother.

    Graves on
  • The Black HunterThe Black Hunter Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Graves wrote: »
    How does sex come into that?

    She wanted me

    I did not want her

    at all

    The Black Hunter on
  • GravesGraves Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Oh I see.

    She was probably a freak in the sack.

    Graves on
  • canemaquiluscanemaquilus Registered User
    edited August 2008
    I think I've only had weird sex.
    My ex-girlfriend had some really weird fetishes though. Like... knives... and uhh... really forceful stuff. She was kind of into a little blood too.

    That was a little awkward for me. Mostly because I was a gigantic dork and totally in love so it felt pretty counter-intuitive.

    canemaquilus on
  • Brodo FagginsBrodo Faggins Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    I had a girlfriend that wanted to try light bondage, like fuzzy handcuffs and such, but would always chicken out when we actually got into the store to buy them. She'd be all excited and eager, but as soon as we took one step in through the door she'd immediately clam up and become all nervous and awkward.

    As for bad sex stories: my first time. Came waaaay too early, but I think that's pretty universal among teenage virgins.

    -Another of my exes had dead-fish syndrome. She'd just lie there, her face all scrunched up, looking like she was taking a massive dump. It was like fucking a real doll. A real doll that had to take a shit.

    Brodo Faggins on
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  • scarlet st.scarlet st. Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    I've had a couple bad experiences (minus the crier in Japan)

    The first time I had penetration -- the "just the tip" experience that everyone is so fond of -- was in a room full of 12 other people after a friend's graduation party.
    Goddamn that was weird.

    Another time I was having sex in my bedroom and my little brother runs up, quite unsure of, well, everything, at that time, and thankfully she and I heard him barreling up the stairs and had a little time to prepare. I was throwing my pants on and she was under the covers (I think pretending to sleep?? I was so confused I have no idea). Needless to say I yell to him to get out and he goes downstairs. I later hear from my mother that he remarked "it looked like we had just gotten out of the shower".

    Goddamn there was one other kind of awful thing that I was gonna write but I lost it.

    scarlet st. on
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  • canemaquiluscanemaquilus Registered User
    edited August 2008
    Brodo wrote:
    Came waaaay too early, but I think that's pretty universal among teenage virgins.

    You know I never had that.

    I think it was all the porn I watched and the truly tremendous amount of times I jerked it before finally having sex.

    canemaquilus on
  • scarlet st.scarlet st. Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    As for bad sex stories: my first time. Came waaaay too early, but I think that's pretty universal among teenage virgins.

    Nah man
    Not at all universal. You're almost alone over there. Sucks, huh?

    scarlet st. on
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  • The Black HunterThe Black Hunter Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Graves wrote: »
    Oh I see.

    She was probably a freak in the sack.

    If there was a way to make paper bags sexually attractive maybe, her body was good, her face was basically eyes and teeth

    The Black Hunter on
  • GravesGraves Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    The other day my girl was all "let's do it" and I'm like "sure, make the bed look a little nicer I gotta go do something or another" and when I came back she had tied ties to it so she could tie my wrists down, and she had located a red bandana to use as a blindfold.

    That was actually pretty cool.

    The things you learn about some people, though...

    Graves on
  • UrianUrian __BANNED USERS regular
    edited August 2008
    I think I've only had weird sex.
    My ex-girlfriend had some really weird fetishes though. Like... knives... and uhh... really forceful stuff. She was kind of into a little blood too.

    That was a little awkward for me. Mostly because I was a gigantic dork and totally in love so it felt pretty counter-intuitive.

    what the fuck

    Urian on
  • scarlet st.scarlet st. Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Graves wrote: »
    The other day my girl was all "let's do it" and I'm like "sure, make the bed look a little nicer I gotta go do something or another" and when I came back she had tied ties to it so she could tie my wrists down, and she had located a red bandana to use as a blindfold.

    That was actually pretty cool.

    The things you learn about some people, though...

    I kinda wanna try this

    scarlet st. on
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  • Mister LongbaughMister Longbaugh Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    when i was like 16 my girlfriend came over one night after my mom had gone to bed. i guess we kind of felt we had to sneak around. anyways the next morning i woke up after my mom had gone to work, i guess i didn't have school that day or something. so i checked my email and there was one from my mom. there was no subject, and the message was as follows: "Could you guys keep it down from now on, I had trouble sleeping last night."

    i was pretty mortified and didn't look my mom in the eye for like a week.

    Mister Longbaugh on
  • GravesGraves Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Graves wrote: »
    The other day my girl was all "let's do it" and I'm like "sure, make the bed look a little nicer I gotta go do something or another" and when I came back she had tied ties to it so she could tie my wrists down, and she had located a red bandana to use as a blindfold.

    That was actually pretty cool.

    The things you learn about some people, though...

    I kinda wanna try this

    It was cool, it was.

    Apparently it had been a fantasy of hers for some time, and she pretty much gets all her crazy sex ideas off the top of her dome.

    Which is cool.

    Graves on
  • cooljammer00cooljammer00 Hey Small Christmas-Man!Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    when i was like 16 my girlfriend came over one night after my mom had gone to bed. i guess we kind of felt we had to sneak around. anyways the next morning i woke up after my mom had gone to work, i guess i didn't have school that day or something. so i checked my email and there was one from my mom. there was no subject, and the message was as follows: "Could you guys keep it down from now on, I had trouble sleeping last night."

    i was pretty mortified and didn't look my mom in the eye for like a week.

    that's harsh. seriously, moms. Internet embarassment now?

    Whatever happened to the awkward breakfast?

    cooljammer00 on
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  • nateknatek Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    hot shit, I haven't had sex in four years D:

    natek on
  • GravesGraves Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    My mom always comes in right after and she's all "it's stuffy in here, open a window"

    And she usually knocks then comes in, but if my girlfriend is here she knocks and waits for me to get the door.

    Graves on
  • Clint EastwoodClint Eastwood My baby's in there someplace She crawled right inRegistered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Once my girlfriend and I were fooling around in her dorm room, it was like, 3 AM or something? Anyway, we were all alone and the lights were turned off when her roommate and her boyfriend come barrelling in and hop into bed and get down to business. There's no graceful way to extricate yourself from that situation.

    Oh, and he weighed like 350 pounds, so you can imagine the fun soundtrack to their drunken romp.

    Clint Eastwood on
  • Mister LongbaughMister Longbaugh Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    natek wrote: »
    hot shit, I haven't had sex in four years D:

    don't feel bad, i got hammered drunk and made out with a fat chick the day after i got out of the army, and that's almost as terrible.

    luckily for me, i guess, she fell asleep earlier than expected.

    Mister Longbaugh on
  • YaYaYaYa Decent. Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Cloudman wrote: »
    Once my girlfriend and I were fooling around in her dorm room, it was like, 3 AM or something? Anyway, we were all alone and the lights were turned off when her roommate and her boyfriend come barrelling in and hop into bed and get down to business. There's no graceful way to extricate yourself from that situation.

    Oh, and he weighed like 350 pounds, so you can imagine the fun soundtrack to their drunken romp.

    the "i just ran a marathon" panting

    crinkle of cheeseburger wrappers

    whale calls

    YaYa on
  • Clint EastwoodClint Eastwood My baby's in there someplace She crawled right inRegistered User regular
    edited August 2008
    his rolls of blubber were so epic that she had to ride him like an obese stallion

    noises that you suspect to either be farts, queefs, or expulsions of oxygen from his rolls

    oh, and she was a big-time screamer, too, lots of "grab my fucking ass!"

    Clint Eastwood on
  • Kayne Red RobeKayne Red Robe Master of Magic ArcanusRegistered User regular
    edited August 2008
    *hurk*

    Kayne Red Robe on
  • nateknatek Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    natek wrote: »
    hot shit, I haven't had sex in four years D:

    don't feel bad, i got hammered drunk and made out with a fat chick the day after i got out of the army, and that's almost as terrible.

    luckily for me, i guess, she fell asleep earlier than expected.

    yes, it is generally good to avoid the fat chick scenario

    when I was in the dorms my friends and I were drinking and apparently their goal was t get me and this other kinda chubby chick together. I can't really put a measurement on it since it was vodka we were drinking but even though I was pretty drunk, I skillfully foiled their plans.

    natek on
  • Brodo FagginsBrodo Faggins Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    As for bad sex stories: my first time. Came waaaay too early, but I think that's pretty universal among teenage virgins.

    Nah man
    Not at all universal. You're almost alone over there. Sucks, huh?

    Well, shit.

    Brodo Faggins on
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  • Jason ToddJason Todd Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    YaYa wrote: »
    Cloudman wrote: »
    Once my girlfriend and I were fooling around in her dorm room, it was like, 3 AM or something? Anyway, we were all alone and the lights were turned off when her roommate and her boyfriend come barrelling in and hop into bed and get down to business. There's no graceful way to extricate yourself from that situation.

    Oh, and he weighed like 350 pounds, so you can imagine the fun soundtrack to their drunken romp.

    the "i just ran a marathon" panting

    crinkle of cheeseburger wrappers

    whale calls

    sleep apnea mask making the post-sex cuddling far more difficult

    Jason Todd on
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  • ZonugalZonugal (He/Him) The Holiday Armadillo I'm Santa's representative for all the southern states. And Mexico!Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    natek wrote: »
    hot shit, I haven't had sex in four years D:

    I'm at 20 years, some of us got real problems bucko!

    Zonugal on
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  • GravesGraves Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Extract from Bedroom Secrets of the Master Chefs by Irvine Welsh (Cape)
    It was uncomfortably hot in Mary's flat, but Skinner took a seat opposite the fat old woman. - Can you help me? He said earnestly.

    - What's your problem?

    He told her that he believed that he had put a spell on somebody. He wanted to know if this was possible, how he could have done this, and how it could be reversed.

    - Oh aye, it's possible. Mary regarded him cannily. - I can help you, but I need payin first, son. Money's nae use tae me at ma age. Her eyes wrinkled. - You're a fine-lookin laddie, she said harshly. - A good cock, son, that's the payment I need!

    Skinner looked at her, and shook his head ...

    - Take oaf yir clathes then, let me see the goods, Mary rasped in lecherous cheer.

    As Skinner undressed, the old woman removed her coat and began to struggle out of a series of cardigans, pinafores and vests. Lying on the bed, she looked smaller but still monstrous, wrinkled rolls of flab spilling over the mattress. Foul aromas rose from the putrefying pools of sweat and dead skin trapped within the folds of her flesh. - Thoat ye'd be bigger, Mary pouted as Skinner removed his Calvin Klein briefs.

    Fuckin cheeky auld clart ...

    - Next time ah'll bring a strap on, he said bitterly.

    Ignoring him, Mary lay back on the bed and pulled away at the sagging corrugations of her body until she was able to locate her sex. - Ah've nae cream tae lubricate this. Ye'll huv tae use spit. Howk it up, she commanded. ...

    Work it in, Mary urged, as Skinner took his thick green slime and spread it like a chef might glaze some pastry, at the same time slowly breaching and exploring. A ludicrously distended clitoris popped out from nowhere like a jack-in-the-box, the size of a small boy's penis, and disconcertingly strangulated groans coming from the bed told Skinner that he was hitting the spot. After a while she gasped, - Pit it in now ... pit it in ...

    Graves on
  • Mister LongbaughMister Longbaugh Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    natek wrote: »
    natek wrote: »
    hot shit, I haven't had sex in four years D:

    don't feel bad, i got hammered drunk and made out with a fat chick the day after i got out of the army, and that's almost as terrible.

    luckily for me, i guess, she fell asleep earlier than expected.

    yes, it is generally good to avoid the fat chick scenario

    when I was in the dorms my friends and I were drinking and apparently their goal was t get me and this other kinda chubby chick together. I can't really put a measurement on it since it was vodka we were drinking but even though I was pretty drunk, I skillfully foiled their plans.

    but i mean there comes a certain time in a man's life when he just has to take the easy lay.

    Mister Longbaugh on
  • JoonJoon Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    I had a girlfriend that wanted to try light bondage, like fuzzy handcuffs and such, but would always chicken out when we actually got into the store to buy them. She'd be all excited and eager, but as soon as we took one step in through the door she'd immediately clam up and become all nervous and awkward.

    My girlfriend had the same interest. We got some velvety cuffs with straps and a blindfold. It's pretty fun. She likes to grab at the sheets or pillows usually. When she's tied up, it's fun watching her pull against the straps trying to get a hold of something.

    Joon on
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  • Clint EastwoodClint Eastwood My baby's in there someplace She crawled right inRegistered User regular
    edited August 2008
    could have been worse, i guess

    after they finished we went and fucked in my car to get away from the horrid post-coital stench

    dude, graves, not cool

    not cool

    Clint Eastwood on
This discussion has been closed.