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Does my butt look big in this? *updated*
Seldom
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
ok, so this issue involves a friend of mine and his girlfriend. i thought he'd really benefit from other views on this, other then my own and his, so i thought of you cats here at H/A.
so, this mate of mine is in a relationship with a girl he really likes. all things are going swell. they're in highschool, each 17 years old. they've been together for about a year.
he says earlier on in the year she had told him that if she were to ever gain weight, that he should tell her as soon as possible and that she wouldn't get mad at him, but would appreciate him pointing it out.
cut to months later, to the present. she has started to gain weight to the point where he thinks it's actually quite noticeable. she's not fat, by any means, but she's definitely put on some weight and he's now stuck between a rock and a hard place. he's not sure what to do, should he say something? and make a point of it and make her self conscious? or should he keep quiet and let her become mad at him for not saying anything?
it appeared to me as a really shit position to put him in... almost like some kind of wack test. to me, it's like he's damned if he does and damned if he doesn't. a catch twenty-two.
i told him, from my experiences with the ladies, they're usually the first to notice ANY kind of change in their weight and appearance, usually pretty critical of their appearences (from my experience). if she has, infact, put on 'quite a noticeable amount of weight' surely she would have been the first to notice? if he says something is he adding insult to injury?
it sounds like a really shit situation to be in haha, glad i'm not in it.
on a side note about the lady, she's conscious of her weight mainly for appearance and aesthetic.. the boyfriend he says he's worried about it for the health issues that go along with having excess weight, his dad for many years as a kid had weight issues that were quite alarming and the concern has stuck with him. she is generally a stay at home person, although she apparently has a 'cake tuesday' where her and her friends go out to a cafe after school and enjoy some cake and coffee... her boyfriend has tried to coax her into coming out for walks for fitness, but she doesn't like the idea..
So h/a, what do you think his options are? what do you think he should do?
it's a pretty silly situation, but he'd really appreciate any kinda direction on this haha
so, this mate of mine is in a relationship with a girl he really likes. all things are going swell. they're in highschool, each 17 years old. they've been together for about a year.
he says earlier on in the year she had told him that if she were to ever gain weight, that he should tell her as soon as possible and that she wouldn't get mad at him, but would appreciate him pointing it out.
cut to months later, to the present. she has started to gain weight to the point where he thinks it's actually quite noticeable. she's not fat, by any means, but she's definitely put on some weight and he's now stuck between a rock and a hard place. he's not sure what to do, should he say something? and make a point of it and make her self conscious? or should he keep quiet and let her become mad at him for not saying anything?
it appeared to me as a really shit position to put him in... almost like some kind of wack test. to me, it's like he's damned if he does and damned if he doesn't. a catch twenty-two.
i told him, from my experiences with the ladies, they're usually the first to notice ANY kind of change in their weight and appearance, usually pretty critical of their appearences (from my experience). if she has, infact, put on 'quite a noticeable amount of weight' surely she would have been the first to notice? if he says something is he adding insult to injury?
it sounds like a really shit situation to be in haha, glad i'm not in it.
on a side note about the lady, she's conscious of her weight mainly for appearance and aesthetic.. the boyfriend he says he's worried about it for the health issues that go along with having excess weight, his dad for many years as a kid had weight issues that were quite alarming and the concern has stuck with him. she is generally a stay at home person, although she apparently has a 'cake tuesday' where her and her friends go out to a cafe after school and enjoy some cake and coffee... her boyfriend has tried to coax her into coming out for walks for fitness, but she doesn't like the idea..
So h/a, what do you think his options are? what do you think he should do?
it's a pretty silly situation, but he'd really appreciate any kinda direction on this haha
The revolution is eternal.
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Most women are very very very very concerned about their appearance and really, she knows and him telling her is not going to change anything.
If it was to get to an unhealthy level things may change... but until that his "Job" in the relationship is to make her feel special every day (just as it is hers to make him feel special).
Anyway, I agree. She's probably aware that she has. Especially that age, girls tend to be very self-conscious of their weight and their appearance. I'm guessing that she probably knows. She might have told your friend to tell her as more of a bonding thing (I'm not sure in what context she actually asked him to tell her; it might make a difference), but actually saying something might cause problems.
This coming from a guy who's told a gf when asked if the pants make her butt look big, "It's not the pants."
I was going to tell you to tell him to invite her to more physical activities, but I guess he already did that. However, there's nothing wrong with having some cake and coffee with friends four times a month.
If he actually likes her as a person, rather than her physical appearance, then tell him to grow up and not worry about it.
Bottom line is that if he cares he should bring it up.
Also, I was expecting a thread about double binds. God do I hate it when women ask those questions.
Dalboz > i'm not sure what context she spoke to him about this in either, i'll ask my friend about it.
thanks for the words so far! keep it coming!
but they're listening to every word I say
He doesn't need to be blunt, just offer to have a joint-initiative workout. If she doesn't want to do more active things, he should consider his obligation over.
I got punched in the mouth for saying something like this. I've yet to find a way out of any discussion about a woman looking fat that ends well. I've had limited success saying yes but immediately suggesting a different pair of pants I've seen them in, then applauding the improvement.
I just keep a chocolate bar in a holster. When I get the question I dive behind the sofa, tear the wrapper off with my teeth, yell "FIRE IN THE HOLE!" and lob it into the middle of the room like a hand grenade.
But seriously. If it's a statement (Like "I'm fat.") I wont respond to it at all. If a question, I'll just tell the truth. I have better things to do with my time than play these infantile games.
Probably, his.
that's why we call it the struggle, you're supposed to sweat
Also, in future if faced with such a ridiculous request he should say "I can't promise that". There's probably some clever additions to add which will make it sound good, depending on the agreement someone is trying to make with him.
There's not much you can do to force someone to lose weight. They have to want to do it themselves. The only thing that people living together can do is refuse to bring junk food of any kind into the house, fill the place with fresh fruit and vegetables, skim dairy, whole wheat products (check that there's no sugar added) and lean meats. Not much else you can do.
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She knows if she's gaining weight or not. It doesn't matter if she told him to tell her - unless there's some sort of compelling psychological or physical reason for him to do so, it will only lead to anger. Anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering [his].
In all seriousness though, if he genuinely cares about her physical appearance, he should try to find a nice way to do tell her (the "hey we're both fatasses let's do something about it together" route would get my vote). Relationships are about trust, which is built on honesty. I'm not saying he should be open and up front with everything all the time (see above about anger, hate, and suffering), but if it is something that affects his feelings about her, he should at least try to communicate that to her.
Since you indicated that he doesn't particularly care, he should definitely just STFU. If she tries to throw it back in his face later (i.e. "OMG Y U NO SAY NOTHING UR A BAD BOYFRIEND") then she probably has bigger issues than being fat.
I would not be betting money on such an occurrence, though. And I mean, really, let's not pretend that women are the only ones that ever look in mirrors; guys are going to notice when they've put on weight just as much.
i just wanted to put in my 2 cents as a female here and say that this is the best response by far of what i've seen.
don't push anything, it just does not work that way. it will cause frustration, anger and doubt.
She was lying. She may not have realized she was lying, but she was. She also doesn't remember that she even said it anymore.
I don't understand the opinion that he shouldn't say anything. Let's break this one down:
A) If he still finds her attractive, there's no need to say anything.
Really? Will he still find her attractive when she's gained another 15 lbs? Then what will he say? If her weight is a problem, approach the problem.
Then say something. Don't just stay quiet and hope that whatever comfort level allowed her to get here is just going to magically go away. If Boyfriend is worried about her health, say something. If she gets pissed but doesn't get diabetes, that's an acceptable trade-off. If her health isn't actually a concern and he's just using it to cover up an insecurity about being shallow, then see below.
C) She may get mad.
But at least he won't be dating a girl he doesn't find attractive. Being attracted to someone is not shallow. It is an important part of a relationship's emotional health. Don't allow Boyfriend to think he's a bad person for wanting to think Girlfriend is hot. He isn't.
D) Please, just stop the bullshit.
There is an endless cycle of lies and cover-ups that goes in on most modern relationships. It leads to awkward breakups, affairs, divorces, and excess emotional baggage. If there's something that Boyfriend wants to say, then he needs to grow a pair and say it. If Girlfriend doesn't have the emotional strength to understand and appreciate an honest partner, then they shouldn't be together. (And this absolutely does go both ways.) Bullshit like this is toxic. Be tactful, yes, but say what you mean and mean what you say.
In the past I've successfully countered "does this make me look fat" with "does it make you FEEL fat?" and a follow-up of "you look great, but you shouldn't wear something you're uncomfortable in". Note that delivery, phrasing, and most importantly, the lady all have a huge impact on whether or not this goes over like a lead balloon.
Answers that begin with "yes" are never the best option and only in extremely rare circumstances an acceptable one.
And she knows. Even most dudes can tell when they've packed on 20 pounds. If you propose getting in shape to her, don't say "hey do you want to join a gym with me?", say "hey, I think I want to start working out, do you want to get in on that and help me stay motivated?" or see if you can get a deal for signing up together, or whatever. Don't be too sudden with that either. Talk about how you're feeling a little flabby here and there at first, let her know that you're genuinely interested in YOUR fitness and that this isn't about her. Because that's a natural suspicion. Because it kind of sort of is.
CUZ THERE'S SOMETHING IN THE MIDDLE AND IT'S GIVING ME A RASH
I'd just like to thank everyone for putting in the time to post. I rarely post on Forums myself, although I often lurk.
Also, cheers to Seldom, for making the post.
I really dig this girl, she has said she loves me, and I feel the same, it's been almost 2 years now.
She is most certainly important to me, and as someone said before me, I'd rather her get mad at me, then her develop serious health problems.
Now, I am certain she is aware of what she told me, she has said it to me more than once. She's also said clothes shopping isn't as good with me, not because she doesn't enjoy my company, but that she doesn't believe I'd be honest enough to say what doesn't look good. And that she would much rather I be honest, she told me herself, she'd rather I tell her when I first notice, so she can be aware early.
But I was still totally unsure, it's not exactly something I've had to deal with before.
She may be aware, but maybe that's not enough for her to do something about it? Maybe if a third party brought it up, it may motivate her?
She's also stressed at the moment in regards to school, maybe wait until holidays?
I find her attractive, I find her more attractive then what I did when we started going out, but I'd never break up with her over her weight.
She (like someone said above) finds physical attraction an important part of overall attraction.
My dad was overweight for a lot of my childhood, so I know how hard it gets to lose it the more you put on.
The idea that a few people have pitched, that I should somehow get into an exercise regime with her, won't work annoyingly, because I am quite scrawny. Tall and thin.
I still really don't know.
I am real grateful to you all for helping me out. Cheers!
Or instead of wanting to lose weight you want to get some muscle so that I don't know, dress shirts fit better.
CUZ THERE'S SOMETHING IN THE MIDDLE AND IT'S GIVING ME A RASH
People tend to appreciate honesty and if you say something with enough tact, it can go a long way. When I was told I was gaining weight I never really noticed until I took a hard look in the mirror. The worst thing someone's going to do is get offended and if they do, that usually passes with the realization that you're honest.
In this case, read up on why people gain weight. Approach with a bit of concern. Ask if they're on any medication. If your friend doesn't have the stomach to tell the woman he loves she's put on a few, he can do activities that require more energy.
However, gaining wait isn't always the motivation to loose it. There is more than one factor at play for that.
Solution:
"Hey Girlfriend, you're gaining weight, and I need some muscle. Let's go work out together."
Bam. Done.
Then work out for health or say you want to work out to get little more definition or muscle as her if she wants to work out with you. Purely for health reasons and to get a little thinner.
In terms of a third party getting involved, I suppose it's possible that it might come better from a close girl friend of hers telling her in private, or tactfully asking, "Have you put on a little weight?" I don't know that this is really the way to go, though, as it could be a little deceitful. Unless any of her friends have already brought it up.
No.
"Hey Girlfriend, I'm really interested in working out, I've been feeling kinda scrawny/flabby. I'm going to be going to the gym next week and was wondering if you wanted to spend some quality time with me?"
Please note the lack of "you are gaining weight" and the inclusion of "I like spending time with you".
This however has it's holes as well.
Unless her diet has completely gone to hell in the last six months or so, perhaps let nature run its course. Course, maybe the situation is more dire than all that, but just wanted to throw in it that could be totally normal.
Yes.
That kind of bullshit is what causes impossible-to-meet expectations and soaks a relationship in unnecessary lies. He thinks she's gaining weight and wants her to stop gaining weight. If he wants to break the endless cycle of double-talk and cover-ups, he should be honest and tell her, particularly because she's repeatedly asked him to. If she wasn't lying, then she'll really appreciate it like she said she would. If she was lying and can't handle it, then she needs some emotional growth that she wasn't willing to admit to or didn't realize she needed previously. His act of honesty could be the breakthrough that they both need to move on from this kind of crap.
I'm not saying he shouldn't be tactful. But he shouldn't make up some bullshit story so that he can lie to her to avoid hurting her pwecious wuddle feewings. Behavior like that and the belief that it's healthy is what has him in this predicament in the first place.
If she's as sincere in wanting your genuine opinion as you suggest she is, tell her you're concerned.. Not that she's obese, not that you think she's getting -fat- (bad word), but tell her you just want her to be healthy (note: fit is a good word too)..
I know that if I tell my husband to tell me what he thinks of my he's going to tell me, and I don't turn into a raging bitch afterward. If your GF does this, then she's rather lame. Of course she KNOWS she's gaining weight, but if she wants your opinion on what you find attractive/acceptable, tell her. If it doesn't matter to you which either way, tell her that too, but that you're mainly concerned for her well being health-wise. If she doesn't want to go out walking, buy a work out DVD you guys can do together.
And also be prepared that while she may not go raging bitch on you, she will definitely get sad. This is normal, no girl wants to be unappealing to their S/O. But you can help her through whatever insecurities she may have, afterall, that's what you're there for.
It's looking like I'll tell her, she asked for honesty from me, I think honesty is what she deserves from me.
Someone said something about bathroom scales? Yeah, she has them, but she also doesn't use them, I honestly wasn't sure whether to take it on as "I don't care" or "the result scares me"
And I myself am going to start working out.
I still think it's the best of all possible options, but be prepared to get called out. My advice: stick to the line. Stay on message. "No, seriously, I just always feel bored and lonely running alone. If you don't want to come, that's fine, I guess, I'll see you in an hour or two?"
Man. If it's a crime to be annoyed at how obsessed people are about their weights, I am guilty as charged. I don't think girls should feel so terrible or get so bent out of shape over their weight, and I don't think guys should either, and I don't think girls or guys should get bent out of shape about each others' weights. but obviously there's nothing I can do about it (besides get frustrated at social mores). I fully admit that I am in the extreme minority for not thinking being fat is something to be ashamed of.