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I'm an ass - help.
Lacroix
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Hi. Long story short because I hate even typing it. Pressured into going to strip clubs frequently by lads, I refuse but my curiosity is piqued as they are somewhere I have never been. In the midst of stessful coursework something snapped and I went today. Paid for dance. Hated everything about the place, and in that sense at least the temptation of 'thats something i've never done' has gone completely. However, regarding the woman I loved for 3 years now(and I do despite the stressed breakdown and strip clubbage of this evening) - theres no one I want to spend my life with but her, and this is not an epiphany but something I knew going into the club and yet... I went. Never again, the experience was horrible, and at least i'll never look at one with temptation again. The night has made me want to give up porn also and clean slate things... except, do I tell the woman I love about this? Would it really do anything but cause her pain?
And yes... i'm aware, the thread title is putting it lightly, i'm an asshole, and thats something I have to live with, and if I thought there was any chance I would relapse I would leave her because she deserves better, but I know that won't happen. Should I risk hurting her by telling her the truth?
Fuck.
And yes... i'm aware, the thread title is putting it lightly, i'm an asshole, and thats something I have to live with, and if I thought there was any chance I would relapse I would leave her because she deserves better, but I know that won't happen. Should I risk hurting her by telling her the truth?
Fuck.
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I'd probably just not say anything about it, and let your actions of wanting only her and treating her right absolve your guilt. I wouldn't directly lie, but I don't think you have to tell her unless you think she will find out from someone else or is asking you about it.
if she gets very angry about it i'd be surprised.
but if you think it'd damage your relationship then i don't see whats wrong with not telling her.
You should always tell her the truth.
Really, I don't think this is going to be as hurtful as you think though, you seem to be overreacting. In most strip clubs there's really not a whole lot going on - looking at bored naked women dancing on a stage and looking at bored women faking orgasms in porn aren't really all that different. I don't think most people would care that you went to one or hold it against you.
I'm not convinced theres any need to tell your g/f about it other than relieving your own feelings of guilt, and it may hurt her in the process. This may be something you need to deal with on your own.
My worry is that it is not a revalation. I knew how much I loved this person going in, and just really don't understand what made me do what i did. I know the prospect of strip clubs will no longer tempt me, which is nice I guess, and I have told her in the past that I would never get jealous if she did that sort of thing and went to a male strip club so long as it wasnt a habit, but she said it was not something she wanted. I emphatically don't feel that I have cheated on her though, but i'm worried, essentially that I should be feeling more worried. Maybe I should just chalk this up to somewhat of a bachelor party and never think on it again.
Not even that. There was an awful lot of her talking, albeit topless, but when your having a conversation I try to make eye contact as much as possible. Alot of 'putting myself through law school...my friends didn't like me when i found out, I hate it when they whisper about me, but screw them, I have new friends now who are more tolerant' - she seemed pleasant enough, but I wasn't exactly sure what I was supposed to say other than nod and 'mm-hmm' at her. If i'd met her in the student union I would probably giver her an uncomfortable 'um... there there' empathetic pat on the shoulder, but thought that might lead to broken arms.
It's interesting that you've got all the signs here of loss, and one heck of a learning experience. Sounds like what you lost exactly was a piece of your innocence, and the ability to ask yourself honestly whether or not you crossed a line you'd be damn upset about if she crossed, and come back with a 'no'.
Loss? I see denial, anger, and bargaining, with moves toward dealing with guilt and accepting what you've done. The desire for penance is next, you feel you deserved to be punished, and maybe you should be. It's not about the 'what' really, for some a strip club is nothing, see also porn and lap dances, for others those same things are major moral issues. I don't care about the what, but you know you've crossed a line. If you think it was a dick move, then it was- because you're the one who draws those lines, yeh?
So soon you'll be moving on towards acceptance and 'depression', feeling down about yourself, and thats healthy. Because according to your feelings, you shouldn't be such a dick. Listen to those, and avoid bad ideas in the future. You don't have to tell her about it, there is no need. No need to hurt someone else just to soothe your soul. You take that little piece of agony and keep it to yourself, after all, you earned it.
That hurt, that pain, is the price of moral knowledge. It is the cost that must be paid in finding a moral boundary which cannot be seen until crossed. There are many boundaries out there just like this one, and believe you the fuck out of me, this one came to you cheap. I wish I had figured that out earlier than I did, but I didn't. You're just starting out though, so maybe you'll catch on where I refused to. Next time you find yourself up on a grey area, you remember what you're feeling here, and err on the side of caution. Don't even brush up on the line, just stay the fuck away. There are things, that no matter how badly you'd like to be rid of them, you can't undo, can't unlearn, and can't forget.
My advice is to take a lesson here and try to have as few of those as possible.
Because I feel the act itself is sufficiently worthy of guilt, because I should not have betrayed the trust of the woman I love. If i'd enjoyed it i'm sure i'd feel evern worse though, true. I never said I had no idea what went on in there, I said I had never been to one, though it was very different to what I was expecting in terms of just how ordinary everything was. It was like the first time I went into a gay bar and discovered that it was just another pub.
I think I understand. Though in no way would telling her soothe my soul, you're wrong about me there. It would make her feel bad, and knowing she is hurt would be like getting stabbed, she is the thing I want to do my damndest to ensure she never feels pain in her life.
I nod
It's not a very uncommon situation where you have a girlfriend or wife but go to a strip club with a bunch of friends because one of them is having a bachelor's party.
There are some contexts where it's perfectly ok to go to a strip club, just as some girls might go to a male strip club even when married.
Was it ok in your case? That's undefined. If your girlfriend told you specifically to never go there, well, yeah, it was wrong.
It's like porn. Not everyone has the same attitude towards it, but I think that it's ok for married men (or just boyfriends) to look at it and masturbate. Wanking and sex are two different things, and I see porn as a mere tool to make masturbation more enjoyable, like a fork for eating or a toilet for shitting.
Yeah, use that experience to give more meaning to your relationship. Thinking about the people who waste their money and lifes in these clubs because they're drunken losers on welfare who think women are objects, and then realizing how lucky you are to have a woman whom you truly love and who loves you back. Perspective.
That being said, it isn't the end of the world. You went to a club because you were curious, and you found out you didn't like it. You didn't do anything that calls your relationship into question. I don't think you have anything to feel bad about, but if you do, see the above.
that's why we call it the struggle, you're supposed to sweat
As an addition, you should probably calm down a bit if you do decide to tell her. If you start talking about how you went to a strip club, and you feel terrible about it, and you'll never do it again and you didn't even like it. It's going to give the impression like you gave someone a hundred dollars to get a blow job rather than 20 for a lap dance.
As for the issue on whole, strip clubs are not that big a deal. It's a cheap thrill of an experience, and you shouldn't feel bad about succumbing to wanting a cheap thrill now and again. 95% of people will not look at you sideways if you tell them you went to a strip club.
If you didn't enjoy it and it made you feel bad afterwards, chalk it up to a learning experience and don't go back. All this "betrayal" and angst are pretty overwrought.
Unless your buddies are the elbow nudging type that randomly blurt shit out like "Oh shit, look at this guy! We had a lot of fun at the strip club, eh? EHhhhhh?" while you're with the girlfriend, I don't see how she would ever find out.
If she ever asks, tell the truth, but if she doesn't, some things are better left unsaid.
That being said, I don't see her getting too upset about it anyhow.
Which is exactly why he should come out and tell her about it, and not hide it.
You have to go out of your way to hide something.
Stewing about it until she eventually picks up on it and asks what's wrong is a dumb idea.
that's why we call it the struggle, you're supposed to sweat
Otherwise, it could possibly hurt her. With no good outcomes. He either breaks even with her being indifferent, or she will be upset.
I took this as him coming here, asking whether or not he should be upset, as well as whether or not he should tell her.
If the fine folks here make him feel better about the whole ordeal without him having to tell his girlfriend, I believe that it is better left unknown to her because it only has the potential to cause pain.
For fuck's sake, it was a strip club, not a prostitute. It's basically live pornography, only way more tame.
Out of curiosity, when you mentioned that you wouldn't care if she went to a strip club, did she freak out? Did she say "oh, you better not ever go to a strip club, or I'm going to kill you?" Or did she just not mention it at all?
For fuck's sake, you're in college, the point is to experience new things. A strip club was a new thing. I know guys who go to strip clubs with their wives. Take a chill pill, relax, and don't worry about it so much. If you mention it to her, don't go all "ohmygodI'msosorryit'slikeIcheatedonyouIfeelsobad," because that's just really a total drama-queen thing to do. Mention it in passing, in a regular tone of voice; like, if she asks what you did last night, just tell her, "oh, the guys came by and dragged me to a strip club. It was pretty lame." You're not lying, you're not even embellishing or omitting anything, but if you make a big deal about it, she's a lot more likely to make a big deal about it.
I think you might be freaking out a little too much. Like it was previously mentioned, you didn't cheat on her. You hated the experience, and leaving only reaffirmed how much you care about her. It's your choice if you want to tell her, if you're suffering that much guilt, but I seriously doubt this is an issue that will dissolve your relationship.
And unlike most everybody else here, I do indeed think there's a difference between porn and strip clubs..
I don't mind my husband wanking to porn when I'm not around to satisfy him, he ain't crossing any boundaries because he can't touch em.
I would mind him having a conversation with a topless hot chick in a thong, and then her giving him a lap dance. So what if they don't screw? That's completely crossing the line. I would go rub my butt all over my best guy friend's lap and then say to my hubby "Oh dear, it was no big deal.".. He'd shit himself!
But there are lots of girls who don't give a damn. To be honest... Most do give a damn. You will probably hurt her by telling her, but you'll hurt her more by not telling her, and maybe just -maybe- someday she finds out in the future, and then there's even MORE trust broken because you didn't confess immediately and show your regret.
It's like wanting to get drunk on your 21st birthday for no reason, you know it's stupid, but you know it also could be fun.. So the daredevil in you does it, and sometimes the smarter you finds out afterwards it wasn't worth it.
There is no reason not to be truthful to her. Look at it this way, even if she doesn't know you did it, you still know you did it...and you didn't tell her.. Which makes the burden of guilt even harder to bare.
My husband has crossed the 'line' before, not had sex, but almost, and told me.. Granted, it was far worse than just going to a strip club, and I was furious with him.. We basically broke up for a couple months.. When things cooled down and I realized he told me because he sincerely regretted doing it, things started to fold back together.
You didn't cheat on her. You didn't even enjoy what little did happen! But you feel remorse as if you've betrayed her. There isn't anything wrong with that.
As Thanatos said, don't make it a big deal.. because then she'll think it -was-.
/agree
Which is all ridiculous. You hated the experience. You're not an ass. Curiosity temporarily got the better of you and as a result you've conclusively proven you don't ever want to go a strip club again. Case closed. Your girlfriend doesn't want to know about it. Telling her would be like eating a really hot curry and drinking ten beers then having a really horrific poo the next morning then going and describing the smell and consistency to your girlfriend before producing a sample just because it disgusted you. Honestly, why would you do that? Just flush the damn toilet, strike a match and move on. Nobody wants to know about your shit.
Just tell her. It wasn't a big deal, it's a deal just big enough to be worth mentionning, nothing more.
Wait, what? I think this is a pretty revealing sentence here. You've had friends who were intolerant and whispered about you... they judged you poorly, and tried to make you into something you're not. And now, you have this situation where your friends pressured you into doing something that's not you. Sound familiar? Part of what you're feeling may very well be frustration that the people around you have once again put you in a situation you'd like to be.
Anyway, the act of going to a strip club. It's not really that big a deal. Another part of you was curious, you went, you found out, the end. Going to strip clubs regularly when you have a girlfriend would be indicative of a problem, but this is a very minor transgression at worst. Sure, I'd tell her that you went in the spirit of having an open relationship, but don't beat yourself up over it. The way you're reacting now proves that you're NOT an ass.
*smacks head* Never mind, then.
No, that feeling will go away when he realises that he's being stupid and gets over it. The only reason he wants to tell her is because he wants to off-load his mistakenly assumed guilt on someone else when in actual fact he has nothing to feel guilty for. Offloading it on his girlfriend is only going to result in her thinking there's more to it, because why would he feel so guilty about just going to a strip club? At best she's going to think he's weird, at worst she's going to assuming he did something worse like took a stripper home and paid her for sex whilst making her wear a mask of his girlfriend's mother.
Hell, I've had SO's come with me to strip clubs. It all depends on her value system. Some might dump you for suggesting it. the OP knows his lady better than us, he has an idea how she'll react and that's what his actions should be tailored to.
Ive only been to a strip club once, for my 18th with my mates. I felt bad and i didnt even have a gf. I felt bad because it is a really sleazy place to go to, i feel bad for the women that work there, and i hope none of my friends ever work in a place like that. Anyway, relax dude. Try to think positive.