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Getting a restraining order...
Drez
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
I know these kinds of threads have popped up before so I'm looking for some information and advice.
Long story short: A female friend of mine met someone via online dating service. She liked him and gave him her phone number and email number. Before they could even meet in person, he started getting clingy and she got a bad vibe and decided not to meet him. His clingy-ness has grown over the last six weeks to full out obsessiveness. Two or three weeks ago she told me the story. At this point he was (a) texting my friend two or three times a day with stuff that seemed the product of bipolar obsessiveness, (b) emailing my friend four or five times a day in the same manner, (c) pretending to be a female ex-girlfriend of his and emailing my friend as this fictitious girl (though we have no proof of this it's pretty obvious).
I advised her to not respond to him at all. I assessed that any attention would feed his obsessiveness. His emails were of the bargaining kind; He sent one saying "do you have a boyfriend? If you just tell me, I swear I'll leave you alone for good." Yeah, right.
Since then she has mostly followed this advice and he has gotten exponentially worse, going so far as to hack her Facebook page, find the phone number and emails of several of her friends, and email and text them blatant lies about her. He called her ex-boyfriend, in fact, somehow finding his phone number. She doesn't even know how the guy managed this.
It's at the point where she can't take it. I thought he was crazy a couple of weeks ago. This guy is a real lunatic.
He has not, however, threatened violence. And I've bolded that because it is a key factor, I think.
She went to the police twice now. She has no way of proving all these emails are from him because he keeps making new ones to send emails from and keeps pretending to be this non-existent girl. They turn her away each time because he "hasn't threatened violence so there is nothing [they] can do."
Is this true? I know from personal experience that the police will lie to avoid having to do paperwork. Is there some way she can press the police to do something, whether that be to obtain a restraining order or at least warn the guy? He is clearly harassing her, which I think any rudimentary investigation will substantiate.
It's getting to the point where she wants to change her phone number. And move. Because this guy is fucking creepy.
Also, if it is relevant, his obsessive text messaging costs her money as receiving texts costs as much as sending them.
So:
1) Is my advice wrong? I still maintain that she should not respond to him at all. She did tell him that she called the police, but that hasn't deterred him at all.
2) Is there any way for her to get a restraining order, or to get the police to take some kind of action here?
3) If not, what can she do?
Thanks.
Long story short: A female friend of mine met someone via online dating service. She liked him and gave him her phone number and email number. Before they could even meet in person, he started getting clingy and she got a bad vibe and decided not to meet him. His clingy-ness has grown over the last six weeks to full out obsessiveness. Two or three weeks ago she told me the story. At this point he was (a) texting my friend two or three times a day with stuff that seemed the product of bipolar obsessiveness, (b) emailing my friend four or five times a day in the same manner, (c) pretending to be a female ex-girlfriend of his and emailing my friend as this fictitious girl (though we have no proof of this it's pretty obvious).
I advised her to not respond to him at all. I assessed that any attention would feed his obsessiveness. His emails were of the bargaining kind; He sent one saying "do you have a boyfriend? If you just tell me, I swear I'll leave you alone for good." Yeah, right.
Since then she has mostly followed this advice and he has gotten exponentially worse, going so far as to hack her Facebook page, find the phone number and emails of several of her friends, and email and text them blatant lies about her. He called her ex-boyfriend, in fact, somehow finding his phone number. She doesn't even know how the guy managed this.
It's at the point where she can't take it. I thought he was crazy a couple of weeks ago. This guy is a real lunatic.
He has not, however, threatened violence. And I've bolded that because it is a key factor, I think.
She went to the police twice now. She has no way of proving all these emails are from him because he keeps making new ones to send emails from and keeps pretending to be this non-existent girl. They turn her away each time because he "hasn't threatened violence so there is nothing [they] can do."
Is this true? I know from personal experience that the police will lie to avoid having to do paperwork. Is there some way she can press the police to do something, whether that be to obtain a restraining order or at least warn the guy? He is clearly harassing her, which I think any rudimentary investigation will substantiate.
It's getting to the point where she wants to change her phone number. And move. Because this guy is fucking creepy.
Also, if it is relevant, his obsessive text messaging costs her money as receiving texts costs as much as sending them.
So:
1) Is my advice wrong? I still maintain that she should not respond to him at all. She did tell him that she called the police, but that hasn't deterred him at all.
2) Is there any way for her to get a restraining order, or to get the police to take some kind of action here?
3) If not, what can she do?
Thanks.
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Her best bet is to contact a local resource for abused women. And by "local" I mean "in her county of residence." They can usually help and/or referrals to somebody who can provide help filing a restraining order.
And, yes, forget the police. Municipal police are no help getting a restraining order or protection order. In the weird chance that she can't find a battered women's resource to help her, the next best thing is to head down to the county court and talk to a court clerk.
the "no true scotch man" fallacy.
Other than that, I dont really have more advice for the larger issue at hand....
Would this mark her in any way, shape, or form? I mean going to a battered woman's shelter? I'm assuming not, but I just don't want to willy-nilly suggest something that will somehow put her on a list of abused persons or something.
well, first off, she shouldn't need to just drop in at a shelter. By "resources" I don't mean just shelters, there are also hotlines that can provide free legal counsel.
And, no, this isn't going to put her on a list or mark her or anything like that.
That said, if he's not threatening her, it is usually harder to get a restraining order, but not impossible. It does depend on state law though.
the "no true scotch man" fallacy.
A similar Google search in her county of residence should provide similar results. And as I said, if that fails, she should talk to a county court clerk.
the "no true scotch man" fallacy.
Wow, that is perfect. That's exactly what I'm looking for. Thank you.
If he can contact her in person, then I would be a little worried and try and get the restraining order.
She should be careful. If you have someone's first and last name as well as their city/state, you can get their address extremely easy through public websites online. This happened to a friend of mine a few years ago; I never knew anyone could get that much detailed information until then.
Weaboo List
that's why we call it the struggle, you're supposed to sweat
They cast a shadow like a sundial in the morning light. It was half past 10.
I spoke to her about this and disagree for one reason: everything he sends is evidence, isn't it?
Thanks, but read my OP again...she did this, twice, and claimed they couldn't do anything because he hasn't threatened violence.
She actually did that, but she resents having to do that, and I agree with her. Why should she have to feel trapped? Yes, that's certainly a temporary solution, but that she felt the need to delete her Facebook at all is a symptom not a cure. But I agree with you, I'm not arguing with you, I'm just frustrated on her behalf.
This. And more:
Have her write down the times and dates and media of any communications she thinks are from him.
If you confront this guy, he's going to act extremely bewildered or tell a totally different story so you need to be prepared to dig. You don't need to dig yet, but you need to be prepared to dig.
I host a podcast about movies.
I'm no police officer but if she did say something to the effect of the above then that would constitute harassment would it not?
I've never used facebook so I don't know if this is possible but can the page be set to private so only friends can view it? If so that might a good thing to do for the time being.
The last thing you need is this guy actually showing up in person.
b) Yeah, she took down all that stuff.
I think she is going to have wind up playing the waiting game until this blows over. If its any consolation when my wife's ex (guy who has literally tried to kill her in the past) "surprised" her and I at work one night and brought his friend to try to beat me up. We still weren't granted one.
The waiting game sucks, but this guy has eventually lose interest.
Actually, they probably won't.
Municipal police departments are notoriously unhelpful when it comes to getting a restraining order or stopping harassment. They'll help enforce a restraining order once issued, but if you don't have one yet they're just going to shrug their shoulders and say "civil matter!"
County sheriffs will sometimes help, but that's pretty rare.
As I mentioned above, the sequence is basically: abused women's resource -> county court clerk. If neither of those work, lawyer up.
the "no true scotch man" fallacy.
I'm sure i'll catch some flack for suggesting this, but I am confident it would work.
Arrange a meet up with him.
All of your friends, like 10+ people show up (preferably all guys) Except the girl he is interested in. You show him a photocopy of his info on paper and tell him to stop harassing your friend.
You don't threaten him, he'll get the message simply from your combined physical presence.
...You are serious aren't you...
This is wrong for the following reasons:
1. Should this ever go beyond harassment, he now has ammo to throw at her (legally).
2. The lady wants nothing to do with him, by obtaining all his information this guy in current mental state could construe this as interest and stalk her even more.
3. Its juvenile, and this guy isn't going to "get the message" by a combined group of male friends showing up for what he thinks is a date. She told him she doesn't want to see him; plain as that and this guy still doesn't understand. Also the potential backlash could make crazy guy become violent.
I know in the past I have had to play the pretend boyfriend for some female friends. I've simply answered her phone when the obsessive ex was calling and let him know that there was someone new in her life that didn't appreciate him calling. Along the lines of "This is 'Girl' new boyfriend, please don't call here anymore."
terrible idea...
A victim's advocate at a shelter should be able to help out and I'd still make that my first step- they've got the experience.
Why is this terrible exactly?
If he's the "jealous" type...
Basically all I'm saying is that if she has a guy friend, a brother, or friend, whatever, get them to call the guy and ask him to stop harassing her. I know if I was creepily harassing some chick a call from her very serious brother telling me to stop calling or emailing would definitely put a damper on things.
Or maybe he interprets it as the men in her life are possessive and domineering and what she really needs is a nice guy like him to come save her from them.
There's only one way to handle a stalker. Tell them clearly, firmly, and unmistakably do not contact me or come near me ever again, I want to have nothing to do with you (which it sounds like she has done) and if the contact continues, seek legal assistance.
the "no true scotch man" fallacy.
Or he interprets having a couple big burley men come to have a chat with him as a threat and goes to the police first. If the law has to get involved, you want the situation to be as clear cut as possible.
This is such excellent advice!
Being a fairly confrontational person I can tell you from experience that direct intervention in creepy-guy situations will only occasionally be successful with dealing with creeps at bars - and even then it's an epically stupid idea. The very real possibility of something going wrong in the worst of ways should not be underestimated and far outweighs the chance for success. Like they taught you in grade-school: use your words, then go get an adult.