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Personal and dating tips
ImDrawingABlank
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Not usually one to post this sort of thing, but I feel like its time I stop trying it my way and get some real tips on this situation, and not knowing where to start, I'll pre-apologize for the long winded story, I'm not too good at explaining things.
I'll start with a few details about myself, I'm 20 years old, I'm tall, thin, and generally very shy. I thrive in work situations because I don't feel the need to have people like me on a personal, social level, it is the rare time that I feel I can open up, get my mind well, out of my own head. I grew up in a family that moves, often, in my 20 years of life I have lived in 4 entirely different cities, gone to 7 different schools, 14 different houses in very different neighborhoods. I grew up basically on my own, my parents both work long hours and we get by on quite a decent living though it means they are often not around for long hours. we are not underprivileged and I am not an only child, though I do still live at home. I have always tended to spend time on my own, or one on one with someone as opposed to being in a group, where my preference to spectate instead of become involved makes me feel as if I give the wrong impression. I've had a line stuck in my head for a few years now, "Solitary Solution", its corny, and I have no idea where I heard it, but it reminds me that the only person who can truly fix me is me. This time though, I need help.
I didn't graduate high school, I was going through a rough time and for what I see now as no apparent reason, I had nothing to complain about. I was working full time as a cook, minimum wage. Eventually I moved on to other random small time laboring jobs, and just worked my day to day routine with little social life. I moved into trades, and found what I was really interested, I wanted to be a Millwright. I enrolled in college, and got a job as an ironworker, installing rebar in commercial towers and a large suspension bridge while I waited my turn for schooling. It was the hardest year and a half of my life, physically, but really, I loved it. I found my thing, trades. I finished my course in college with honors recently, and was the only one out of 16 others from my course to find an apprenticeship, It's an amazing opportunity, and one I cannot afford to waste. I have only been with this company for a little over 2 weeks, but the small crew (10 man company) really likes me, and so far feel I am doing an excellent job and we all get along very well. My parents and family are all proud of me, and I'm proud of myself, but there's still something missing.
While all of that was going on, I did have a girlfriend shortly almost 2 years ago, though I broke things off out of what I feel was a fear of commitment. Granted, she had some very serious personal issues and I didn't feel I could be what I think a true boyfriend should be able to be, I couldn't help her with everything she needed, and wanted her to find someone more deserving. Lately, I find myself to have a bit of a fear of girls, she was my only real relationship, I'm not a virgin, and I broke it off before we had the chance to have sex. All my experiences have been with other girls, not in a relationship, just "friends". My first time is the reason I don't drink anymore, I always knew a girl I knew had liked me, and on my first time ever drinking she made a move, I didn't stop her. She had a boyfriend who I knew, and I've regretted it every single day since it happened, its been about 4 years now. I guess that's where my problem lies, I dont mean this in an offensive way, and I'm sure it's just my limited experience, but I do not trust women/girls in general anymore. Nearly every one I have come to like has either betrayed my trust, or I have seen reasons why I don't feel I would trust them. Every guy friend has been cheated on, every girl-friend has cheated at least once before, or seriously considered it. It has ruined my faith in relationships, and with my self-concious being so restricted and my overall personality, I feel like like the very thought of it scares me away from even trying anymore.
Most of the girls I've been interested in lately have liked me more so as a "crying shoulder" than as a boyfriend, and far too often I've seen the girl I'm interested in go for someone who treats them like shit, and shortly after fucking them, chucks them. Where do they go? They come back to me, and the cycle repeats. I give good advice they say, though they never listen to a word I say. In high school, shortly before my first time drinking/sleeping with someone, there was a girl I was VERY interested in, I liked her, she liked me, and it took almost a year before the truth came out, we were going to give it a shot, the day I told her, my best friend at the time pulled a fast one on us both. He liked her too, we all talked, we decided to drop it, I sucked it up and backed off, planning on getting over her, no more than a week later and I had to bear the sight of my best friend, and the girl I'd liked for a year together. I had classes with them, our friends were friends, they were always around, and I was supposed to pretend it never bothered me. She came back though, after he'd gotten what he wanted, she learned who the honest one was, and wanted to try though I couldn't do it. As much as it sucked I said no, I refused to be her second choice. This entire period had me dealing with anxiety attacks, it got in the way of school, in the way of work, and in the way of friends.
I'm still hanging out with those same people, she's long since moved away, and we do keep in touch but her new personality isn't what I always liked in her, and its been easy to move on. Most of my friends are stoners now, and I was up until recently as well. I smoked pot daily for the last couple of years, and its done me more harm than I ever could have imagined. I just recently motivated myself to quit, a few days before I started my new job. For the last year I can honestly say I have not been high, though I'm addicted to the physical relaxation it gives me. It numbs the body, and enhances my mind, It felt like a release. All my friends do is smoke pot, and cigarettes, drinking while at work, rarely do we go out and do things when hanging out, and I feel like if I continue it, it will be a dead end path. I can't survive alone these days, but I don't know how to meet new friends with common interests, and hanging out with my old crowd will most likely quickly suck me into my pot smoking ways. The last time I smoke, the day that made me quit, I sat there in the dim light outside the bedroom door just after our 5th session of the night. They listen to different music than I do, death metal, I listened to it out there and it felt like every time the bass pedal struck the drum my head split a little further apart, I had to stumble my way across the dark yard to my car and I nearly passed out sitting against the tire, I was there for over an hour with my mind racing a mile a minute. Pot makes me self conscious, makes me question everything, everyone, and that isn't healthy.
I was stupid on it, I tried it at work a few times, and while I never really enjoyed it, I still did it occasionally there, it risked my safety and that of others, and I regret doing it. My lack of thought has done enough permanent damage from working high, my hearing is quite far below where it should be for someone of my age because I forgot my hearing protection. I have a hard time hearing music and people talking to me, which puts some off. I can't always understand what someone is saying to me and have to follow almost everything they say with "pardon me?". It makes an already poor conversationalist, even worse. My friend once told me, that the way most people see me is that I'm a person to whom, "if it weren't for this, this very conversation, the world wouldn't exist". I didn't get it at the time, but I do now. It all goes back to that line I can't forget, solitary solution. The way others view me is that I have a very strong habit of getting lost in my own mind, and while they don't feel like I'm paying attention to what they may be saying or doing, I am, I just don't show a reaction to it and tend to look off and think, sometimes because it takes quite a lot of focus to interpret what people are saying to me. It's a hard thing to avoid doing, and one that I'm sure puts many people off.
Now, that's my long history of myself (simplified to an extreme even
), the reason I'm bothering to post any of this, is because I think I may have finally met someone I'm interested in trying to build a relationship with. I met her at a rare occasion me and my friends go out, at a bonfire at night at the beach. She's very artistic, in school for TV/film makeup/costumes and such things. she was playing acoustic guitar quietly off to the side, singing Denis Leary's "I'm an asshole" when I met her, and watching and listening to her really caught my interest near that campfire. We have quite a bit in common and have been talking regularly over msn. She invited me to another night at that beach this weekend with the same group of people as last time. I need some advice on how someone such as myself, without CHANGING myself, can put out the right image and handle the situation without coming on too strong, or not strongly enough. I really would like to get to know each other better, problem is, I don't have a fucking clue how to go about doing it. Keep in mind, girls terrify me. I present myself fairly well, I try to stand up straight (but my back starts to hurt severely, from yet another work incident), I don't walk with arrogance, and am by no means cocky. Though in my experience, nice guys finish last. Maybe a middle ground?
I feel like finding a good girl to keep me on the right road is exactly what i need, I've managed to convince myself to fix most other aspects of my life, but really, being alone is getting harder and harder to deal with as time goes on.
PS: I really appreciate anyone who took the time to read what is basically, my life story.
I'll start with a few details about myself, I'm 20 years old, I'm tall, thin, and generally very shy. I thrive in work situations because I don't feel the need to have people like me on a personal, social level, it is the rare time that I feel I can open up, get my mind well, out of my own head. I grew up in a family that moves, often, in my 20 years of life I have lived in 4 entirely different cities, gone to 7 different schools, 14 different houses in very different neighborhoods. I grew up basically on my own, my parents both work long hours and we get by on quite a decent living though it means they are often not around for long hours. we are not underprivileged and I am not an only child, though I do still live at home. I have always tended to spend time on my own, or one on one with someone as opposed to being in a group, where my preference to spectate instead of become involved makes me feel as if I give the wrong impression. I've had a line stuck in my head for a few years now, "Solitary Solution", its corny, and I have no idea where I heard it, but it reminds me that the only person who can truly fix me is me. This time though, I need help.
I didn't graduate high school, I was going through a rough time and for what I see now as no apparent reason, I had nothing to complain about. I was working full time as a cook, minimum wage. Eventually I moved on to other random small time laboring jobs, and just worked my day to day routine with little social life. I moved into trades, and found what I was really interested, I wanted to be a Millwright. I enrolled in college, and got a job as an ironworker, installing rebar in commercial towers and a large suspension bridge while I waited my turn for schooling. It was the hardest year and a half of my life, physically, but really, I loved it. I found my thing, trades. I finished my course in college with honors recently, and was the only one out of 16 others from my course to find an apprenticeship, It's an amazing opportunity, and one I cannot afford to waste. I have only been with this company for a little over 2 weeks, but the small crew (10 man company) really likes me, and so far feel I am doing an excellent job and we all get along very well. My parents and family are all proud of me, and I'm proud of myself, but there's still something missing.
While all of that was going on, I did have a girlfriend shortly almost 2 years ago, though I broke things off out of what I feel was a fear of commitment. Granted, she had some very serious personal issues and I didn't feel I could be what I think a true boyfriend should be able to be, I couldn't help her with everything she needed, and wanted her to find someone more deserving. Lately, I find myself to have a bit of a fear of girls, she was my only real relationship, I'm not a virgin, and I broke it off before we had the chance to have sex. All my experiences have been with other girls, not in a relationship, just "friends". My first time is the reason I don't drink anymore, I always knew a girl I knew had liked me, and on my first time ever drinking she made a move, I didn't stop her. She had a boyfriend who I knew, and I've regretted it every single day since it happened, its been about 4 years now. I guess that's where my problem lies, I dont mean this in an offensive way, and I'm sure it's just my limited experience, but I do not trust women/girls in general anymore. Nearly every one I have come to like has either betrayed my trust, or I have seen reasons why I don't feel I would trust them. Every guy friend has been cheated on, every girl-friend has cheated at least once before, or seriously considered it. It has ruined my faith in relationships, and with my self-concious being so restricted and my overall personality, I feel like like the very thought of it scares me away from even trying anymore.
Most of the girls I've been interested in lately have liked me more so as a "crying shoulder" than as a boyfriend, and far too often I've seen the girl I'm interested in go for someone who treats them like shit, and shortly after fucking them, chucks them. Where do they go? They come back to me, and the cycle repeats. I give good advice they say, though they never listen to a word I say. In high school, shortly before my first time drinking/sleeping with someone, there was a girl I was VERY interested in, I liked her, she liked me, and it took almost a year before the truth came out, we were going to give it a shot, the day I told her, my best friend at the time pulled a fast one on us both. He liked her too, we all talked, we decided to drop it, I sucked it up and backed off, planning on getting over her, no more than a week later and I had to bear the sight of my best friend, and the girl I'd liked for a year together. I had classes with them, our friends were friends, they were always around, and I was supposed to pretend it never bothered me. She came back though, after he'd gotten what he wanted, she learned who the honest one was, and wanted to try though I couldn't do it. As much as it sucked I said no, I refused to be her second choice. This entire period had me dealing with anxiety attacks, it got in the way of school, in the way of work, and in the way of friends.
I'm still hanging out with those same people, she's long since moved away, and we do keep in touch but her new personality isn't what I always liked in her, and its been easy to move on. Most of my friends are stoners now, and I was up until recently as well. I smoked pot daily for the last couple of years, and its done me more harm than I ever could have imagined. I just recently motivated myself to quit, a few days before I started my new job. For the last year I can honestly say I have not been high, though I'm addicted to the physical relaxation it gives me. It numbs the body, and enhances my mind, It felt like a release. All my friends do is smoke pot, and cigarettes, drinking while at work, rarely do we go out and do things when hanging out, and I feel like if I continue it, it will be a dead end path. I can't survive alone these days, but I don't know how to meet new friends with common interests, and hanging out with my old crowd will most likely quickly suck me into my pot smoking ways. The last time I smoke, the day that made me quit, I sat there in the dim light outside the bedroom door just after our 5th session of the night. They listen to different music than I do, death metal, I listened to it out there and it felt like every time the bass pedal struck the drum my head split a little further apart, I had to stumble my way across the dark yard to my car and I nearly passed out sitting against the tire, I was there for over an hour with my mind racing a mile a minute. Pot makes me self conscious, makes me question everything, everyone, and that isn't healthy.
I was stupid on it, I tried it at work a few times, and while I never really enjoyed it, I still did it occasionally there, it risked my safety and that of others, and I regret doing it. My lack of thought has done enough permanent damage from working high, my hearing is quite far below where it should be for someone of my age because I forgot my hearing protection. I have a hard time hearing music and people talking to me, which puts some off. I can't always understand what someone is saying to me and have to follow almost everything they say with "pardon me?". It makes an already poor conversationalist, even worse. My friend once told me, that the way most people see me is that I'm a person to whom, "if it weren't for this, this very conversation, the world wouldn't exist". I didn't get it at the time, but I do now. It all goes back to that line I can't forget, solitary solution. The way others view me is that I have a very strong habit of getting lost in my own mind, and while they don't feel like I'm paying attention to what they may be saying or doing, I am, I just don't show a reaction to it and tend to look off and think, sometimes because it takes quite a lot of focus to interpret what people are saying to me. It's a hard thing to avoid doing, and one that I'm sure puts many people off.
Now, that's my long history of myself (simplified to an extreme even
), the reason I'm bothering to post any of this, is because I think I may have finally met someone I'm interested in trying to build a relationship with. I met her at a rare occasion me and my friends go out, at a bonfire at night at the beach. She's very artistic, in school for TV/film makeup/costumes and such things. she was playing acoustic guitar quietly off to the side, singing Denis Leary's "I'm an asshole" when I met her, and watching and listening to her really caught my interest near that campfire. We have quite a bit in common and have been talking regularly over msn. She invited me to another night at that beach this weekend with the same group of people as last time. I need some advice on how someone such as myself, without CHANGING myself, can put out the right image and handle the situation without coming on too strong, or not strongly enough. I really would like to get to know each other better, problem is, I don't have a fucking clue how to go about doing it. Keep in mind, girls terrify me. I present myself fairly well, I try to stand up straight (but my back starts to hurt severely, from yet another work incident), I don't walk with arrogance, and am by no means cocky. Though in my experience, nice guys finish last. Maybe a middle ground?I feel like finding a good girl to keep me on the right road is exactly what i need, I've managed to convince myself to fix most other aspects of my life, but really, being alone is getting harder and harder to deal with as time goes on.
PS: I really appreciate anyone who took the time to read what is basically, my life story.
ImDrawingABlank on
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Just present who you are at your best. Long conversations over MSN are okay, the way you write I'm sure girls will appreciate your sensitive side. Don't worry about nice guys 'finishing last', you don't want to end up with a girl who's looking for the next Donald Trump.
You want the girl that's looking for you.
It seems you have some social anxiety, and therefore I'd advice you to read up on Cognitive/Behavioral therapy.
As far as girls I've kind've gotten to a point where before I used to put them on a pedestal, then I realized they're really nothing special. There's no magic girl. Some are cool some arn't. Some are really fucking stupid, some arn't. One of the things I'd keep in mind trying to get back into it, especially with this girl is don't think of her as anything special. You met her and she seems cool, but put no real weight on it yet. There's a difference between the being a jerk and being confident.
The guys who inevitably end up doing jerky things, also do alot of the things that attract women. But you can do the things that attract girls without being a jerk. However it does mean not acting like a pushover, and not trying to approach them as if you need to earn their attention but rather that they need to earn yours. It sonuds cocky but it's all about wanting what you can't have. If you give a girl everything she wants, she doesn't have any challenge presented to her and she gets bored with you.
It reminds me of in Dazed and Confused when the overalls dude tells the freshman, "Tell her MAYBE you'll see her there"
that's why we call it the struggle, you're supposed to sweat
It does also make you unique and fascinating.
In terms of presenting yourself the right way to this new girl, just be yourself. Put it this way: if you have to try too hard to make yourself appealing in presentation because she doesn't pick up on it herself, she's likely not worth the effort.
THAT SAID, there are some things you can do that would certainly help your situation some.
1) Be a bit gutsier. It's not that you're nice, it's that you're a bit withdrawn. Like I said, you are probably better in a social situation than you think you are, you just need to be in one to see that. People do not notice dudes who hide in shadows.
2) Be confident. It turns girls on. Hell, it turns people on. Someone who is confident in the the way that they present their image and their views will always have people gravitate towards them. How do you do this? Cut away and ignore any mental block that casts any doubt over something that you want to say or do (barring something stupid like busting out an "I love you" on the first date), and say it or do it with umph, with muscle, with flair. If it goes south? Laugh it off like it ain't no thing, there's nothing more refreshing than someone who can laugh at themselves. Don't worry so much if what you say will turn her on or off... just say it! She can disagree or agree, either way it generates more conversation. If she ends up disliking you for expressing an opinion, move on, she wasn't right for you.
3) Be proactive. Seek her out, don't wait to be sought. That she bothered inviting you out again is a good sign. Find times to have one-on-one conversations with her even while with a group of people. Invite her out to something more private or to hang out with YOUR group of friends.
4) Don't freak out if you find out you like different things or have different viewpoints. It's not always about having something in common with the other person. It's about meshing well and clicking. Yeah, you should have SOMETHING that you share between you, but at the same time, don't flip out if you like black and she likes white. Differences are just as important because it means you'll always have something to learn from the other or talk about with one another, and it keeps you fascinated with her and (hopefully) vice versa.
5) There's nothing wrong with being nice. Just don't be a goddamn doormat.
6) Talking over MSN is not enough. Hang out with her, in person. Make the effort. You may be talking to her a lot over MSN, but that's not a guarantee that you're getting all of her attention. Being in person and talking to her face-to-face ensures that you're all she's got going on at that point in time.
7) If you are concerned with the way you present yourself in a conversation and really want to change that thing about yourself... NOT TO IMPRESS HER, BUT BECAUSE YOU FEEL LIKE IT WOULD MAKE YOU A BETTER PERSON OVERALL, then you can always do this: tell the people around you that you have some difficulties hearing. This clues them in so that when you ask someone to repeat themselves, they know why. Also, make an effort to appear interested in what is being said. Make eye contact. Nod along. Appear engaged. Lean forward. Ask questions. Don't wait to be asked for your opinion, just spit it out. Think about what you want to say, yes, but when you DO speak, speak clearly. If you genuinely don't understand what is being discussed, ask about it! Hell, if you didn't quite interpret something that was said the first time, ask them to explain it again or to clarify what they said. It demonstrates interest and an urge to learn more, which is a turn-on for whoever is speaking. Honestly? The only way to fix your problem in conversation is not to avoid it, but confront it. Go out and have group discussions all the time. Train yourself.
8) She is not a better person than you just because she has a vagina. You're both human. Talk to her like you're on the same level, not like she's some kind of super goddess.
this. completely this.
Girls like confidence. Hell, everyone likes confidence. If you feel you don't deserve her, so will she.
1. Keep this job you have, at all costs. It sounds like an excellent influence on your life. Make it a priority to not screw it up.
2. If you have insurance from your new job, go to a doctor and look into hearing aid options. They are not all freakish huge implements. It is STUPID how many people refuse to go to the doctor for anything. If you have insurance now, you can get it dealt with and have a better quality of life. No more excuses about not hearing people being responsible for social issues. Get it dealt with. You never know when you might be without insurance and things go downhill so you become a danger on the job. Just do it, no procrastination.
3. Don't go a year with this girl without telling her how you feel like you have in the past. For some women (myself included) not taking action IS REJECTING HER. It's showing her uncertainty about whether you want to be with her. Be confident, express an interest in getting to know her 1:1. Look up local events, you say she is into art, music. Well, look that shit up. See if any of the local events are related to the interests she might have. Then, when you are there on the weekend, bring it up. If she shows interest, ask her to go along with you. There might be events going on at her college - those kinds of institutes sometimes have movie nights, plays, etc. See whats up and get involved. Make it clear it's a date. If she does not seem interested then just have a reaction planned out already. Just say 'hey no worries, just wanted to get to know you better'. There is no reason to freak out, it's just a person saying no thanks in a polite manner, it doesn't mean shit about your future life.
4. Stop hanging out with retards. A lot of people develop impressions of the world at large based on their own friendship group. Fact is, crap people attract each other. I think you are definitely making a move in the right direction. Don't be tempted to fall back in with that crowd. There are a good proportion of the population of the world that don't live in a pot-driven haze and cheat on their partners every 10 minutes. You have a chance to build a reality for yourself filled with good people, every effort you make will pay off.
I've been told by people before that I'm an uplifting person to be around, aside from when I'm on my own, or when I am smoking pot, I am always (maybe overly) positive. Its hard to be in a bad mood around me, as I am one to feel that laughter is really the best medicine, I make a lot of jokes, though sometimes they may be a bit.... offside :P. Those who have a hard time understanding my sarcasm tend to think I put myself down too much, when the majority of things I say in front of others about myself are meant to be funny. I will make light of almost any situation. I may not make a lot of friends, but I've never made an enemy.
I have substituted the lack of smoking pot in my life, by doing nightly 30 minute workout routines at home, nothing fancy, but an improvement I have been feeling already both physically and mentally. This is something I plan on continuing to do.
She messaged me on facebook, asking if I was going to be able to make it tomorrow to the bonfire. I told her exactly what I'm planning, I would definitely like to make it, just wasn't sure what time, and how the rest of my day was going to be going. I'm considering inviting an old friend from high school to go with me, so I don't arive alone, he's from a much different group of people, but we used to be very close friends. He stopped smoking a few years ago and is exactly the kind of crowd I am wanting to associate with nowadays.
I suggest checking these links out:
http://vancouver.en.craigslist.ca/art/825902373.html
http://vancouvercraftmafia.com/?page_id=72
http://www.viff.org/home.html
Your lady friend might be interested in one/any of these events.
You seem very unforgiving. Dude, you're 20. Most of your friends are your age. The reason most of the relationships you have known are shitty is because most relationships are shitty when the participants are in their teens. The reason most of the girls you know have cheated is because most people are stupid in their teens. This is, incidentally, why most of the guys put up with it, too. (Also, they're probably cheating as well.) People behave badly and do stupid things when they're young and figuring things out.
You didn't give the girl you liked a second shot when, after waiting a YEAR for you to finally make a move, she gave up and went with your more-confident friend? Why not? It doesn't make you her "second choice," it makes you her FIRST choice who never did anything about it for a whole year!
If you want to be a functional human being, you absolutely have to get over this silliness about women. People screw up in their teens. People get tired of waiting. Don't be stupid and put this all on one gender.
Also, in the "don't be stupid" category: of course people think you space out on them when you're constantly asking them to repeat themselves. I'd find this rude, too, if the person hadn't explained that he had hearing problems. Go get a hearing aid ASAP and be religious about wearing your ear protectors at work.
Don't put yourself down anymore, even in a funny way. I know you think you're being amusing, 99.9% of the time it comes off just as self-deprecation and feels weird to your listeners. Besides, if you clearly don't like yourself, why would they like you? Just quit it.
Also as others have said, anything that happened when you were younger...was exactly that. Shit that happened in the past and that was part of your learning experiences.
Good for you about starting your work out routine. I really need to get back into that my self. It helps tremendously in your energy levels.
You sound like a good, intelligent guy. Take pride in that. Use it to your advantage. It will pay off much larger dividends than your self deprecation act.
One more thing, don't expect her to be your savior. Relying on one person for your well being is a horrible, horrible mistake. You improve yourself. YOU start accepting who you are. Don't go into the relationship with the hopes of her making you a "new man". Be yourself. With that said, she can certainly be an inspiration for cleaning up.
If a relationship comes out of it, even a bad one, you at least learn from the experience, whether it be mistakes you made, the person that you chose to go out with had a blatant incompatibility or personality quirk (or indeed, something you find that you're looking for in someone) that you'll consider when it comes to future relationship prospects. Any experience you can get will only make it easier in the future, you've just gotta take the initial plunge.
WEAR EARPLUGS AT WORK!!!!!
Failure to wear personal protective equipment is grounds for denial of workmans comp in the states. You could be def and the companies you worked for would get off scott free!
Get some foamies and wear them!!!!