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How to be happy?

AngelinaAngelina Registered User regular
edited September 2008 in Help / Advice Forum
I apologise in advance for the long and whiney post I'm likely to make.

It's almost 1am and I'm sat in the dark in tears counting the minutes until I have to go to work in the morning. I'm likely to cry at work as I have been doing for the past couple of weeks, and I know I'm going to cry tomorrow night instead of sleeping.

For as long as I can remember I've been unhappy. I was unhappy at school, and after school I was unhappy at college so had to quit the different courses I tried a few years running. I eventually managed to get through college and went to university, but I wasn't happy there. So I'm currently on a year out working in the hope that I'd feel better. I don't though. I hide in bathrooms so people don't see me cry at work, and at night I wait until my boyfriend is asleep to cry so I don't disturb him. I feel like I'm trying so many things and situations to find the one that makes living a good thing to do for once but it hasn't happened yet. I now spend a large part of my day working out what debt and responsibilities would be left to other people if I killed myself. I haven't told anyone this because I don't want to burden someone else with my problems. I guess that's why I'm writing it here on a forum that I've lurked on for years.

I don't know what help I can be given to me. I have to go to work tomorrow, if I don't go in I don't get paid and I need the money. I've been given anti depressants before by various doctors and end up in hospital after overdosing. I've ruined relationships because of how I feel, I'm ruining the one I'm in right now and that scares me so much. Maybe some people can just never be happy? I appreciate that I may just have to shut up and deal with it.

Angelina on

Posts

  • TychoCelchuuuTychoCelchuuu PIGEON Registered User regular
    edited September 2008
    This definitely sounds like something you should see a doctor or psychiatrist about. I mean, it hasn't worked so far, but it will work a lot better than asking us. I'm obviously no expert but you're pretty clearly depressed, and I'm guessing some cocktail of antidepressants or lifestyle modification or whatever will do you a whole heap of good compared to anything else. And it's the professionals who can tell you what kind of stuff you need.

    TychoCelchuuu on
  • Chaotic DescentChaotic Descent Registered User regular
    edited September 2008
    ehhh... no one you know has any opinion on why? or are you not close enough with anyone including your boyfriend to tell them? That kind of isolation would definitely be depressing.
    "People" are supposed to be connected with "themselves". What I mean is, their conscious mind is supposed to be connected to the rest of their mind so that they can understand themselves when problems come up. It's an ideal that's not inherently fulfilled. The potential is there, but things can horribly complicate the matter. I'm still trying to find out what the prerequisites are for things like this. Do we need the sense of love that an infant needs? If we didn't get enough of that as an infant, does that need to be fulfilled before we can get anywhere?

    I've heard a lot about what you need to be happy, although a lot of what I read is for more functional people. If you're working and in a relationship, I guess that's more functional than me.
    Basically, happiness is a passing state, and trying to hold on to it as it passes merely causes more pain and suffering. It doesn't mean you don't try to make your life good, it just means you don't desperately struggle mentally against the inevitable.

    A professional in mental health (psychiatrist, psychologist, whatever) may be able to identify the problems in your life, but each of them is different, and they're not perfect. Some of them may only be interested in prescribing medication and nothing more. Medication may help, but when it's serious, I think it's important for that not to be the only treatment. Some people have psychological issues that just aren't being addressed, and ... I think it's a tool that shouldn't be supporting your entire weight. If it's all you need to clear your head and both see and address your own issues, then that's all you need. I just don't know how common that is.

    and psychotherapy is a 2-way thing. you need to find someone who's a good match for you, that you feel comfortable with and who understands you. you also need to do your part instead of just waiting for them to "fix" you. That can be difficult if your depression is severe. It may be hard to function in everyday life, or trust anyone. also, even if they help you and you make progress, at some point they may not be able to help further, (as the limits to their knowledge about specific problems like the ones you have ends) and you may have to look for someone to help with other problems.

    I feel disconnected.

    Chaotic Descent on
  • NotYouNotYou Registered User regular
    edited September 2008
    what you need to be happy?

    IMHO

    A long term goal in your life that you are passionate about and working hard to achieve. Choosing that goal is the hard part.

    NotYou on
  • GirlPantsGirlPants Registered User regular
    edited September 2008
    http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

    There are numbers on there where you can talk to yourself. I would definitely do this if you feel like you might hurt yourself.

    GirlPants on
  • ZombiemamboZombiemambo Registered User regular
    edited September 2008
    We are absolutely not the people to turn to. You need to go to the suicide prevention site linked above and/or talk to a suicide prevention hot line. Talk to your friends and family about it. Please, please get help.

    Zombiemambo on
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  • starlanceriistarlancerii Registered User regular
    edited September 2008
    Philosophers have pondered the idea of, what is happiness, throughout the years, and still don't have a satisfactory answer. A better question may be - why are you unhappy? And what can you do about it?

    But yes, I would also recommend calling the aforementioned hotline.

    starlancerii on
  • winter_combat_knightwinter_combat_knight Registered User regular
    edited September 2008
    Take the advice of the above posters. Is there something in particular that you can link your un-happiness to? Maybe if you can find what it is that has caused you to feel sad, maybe you can figure out a way of helping yourself.

    winter_combat_knight on
  • TrowizillaTrowizilla Registered User regular
    edited September 2008
    Tell your boyfriend what's going on. If you're at all close to your parents, hell, even if you're not but they're okay people, tell your parents. You desperately need support right now, and people can't give it to you unless they find out what you're going through.

    After that, ask for help finding a therapist and psychiatrist (doesn't have to be the same person; in fact, I would recommend having separate people, as therapists usually have more time to spend with you) and talk to them. Don't just see a doctor to hand you pills; pills by themselves don't work unless you work really, really hard to change your thought patterns.

    Good luck.

    Trowizilla on
  • AngelinaAngelina Registered User regular
    edited September 2008
    Well I had 2 hours sleep and then tried getting ready for work, my boyfriend found me on the bathroom floor in a ball crying so he's called up work for me. I feel horribly guilty, I'm a carer so it makes a difference if I don't go to work, and it's my boyfriend's birthday so I've now just ruined that for him.
    I know why I used to be unhappy as a kid (major mother issues) but now? I don't know. I live in a lovely area, have a job that I should be looking forward to going to and I have a boyfriend that loves me. I moved here a couple of months ago so friends that I do have aren't close enough yet for me to talk to about this. Just after I started seeing my boyfriend I went through a really bad patch so he knows that I've been depressed in the past, he just didn't realise I still was.
    I'm seeing a doctor tomorrow after work, I'm not sure what they can do for me, especially in the short term to help me be able to go to work every day instead of being up all night crying. I can't afford to be fired but I also can't go to work in the state I'm in at the moment. I wish I did have a long term goal, at the moment I can only focus on getting up every day and trying to function. I guess I've just expected to wake up and be happy one day, or that I'd die some point soon. I can't live like this for the next 50 years.
    Thanks for the replies everyone, I was half expecting to be laughed at.

    Angelina on
  • SeldomSeldom Registered User regular
    edited September 2008
    Angelina wrote: »
    I know why I used to be unhappy as a kid (major mother issues) but now? I don't know.

    this sounds like something you should start working out with a therapist that can help you through this. it could very well be that you haven't fully dealt with this part of your life yet.

    not everything is easy to 'get over' and deal with on your own, somethings can be very heavy and you need help to work through them with a professional. someone that can help sort through things in your life that are bothering you and teach you coping strategies for other difficult things that you come upon in your life.

    please open up some dialogue with a professional, or your boyfriend or some family. you need to talk to people, you need to work through this! you can work through this!

    good luck.

    Seldom on
    The revolution is eternal.
  • RohaqRohaq UKRegistered User regular
    edited September 2008
    Personally, I'm at my happiest when I'm not thinking about how I could be happier. You, however, need to speak to a psychotherapist. I say this especially if you don't have anybody close enough to you in the area to talk to about your worries and problems.

    So ring up a therapist today and book an appointment today, okay?

    Rohaq on
  • bsjezzbsjezz Registered User regular
    edited September 2008
    have you travelled much?

    bsjezz on
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  • GripperGripper Registered User regular
    edited September 2008
    Hey Angelina,

    I rarely, if ever, log in to post on here, but your situation is so similar to mine that I felt I had to. I had almost identical problems over the past year and the best bit of advice I can possibly give you is do NOT try and deal with it yourself. Depression is a horrible illness and the only way to deal with it is to attack it every day. So yes, take the advice of everyone else on here. See your doctor, talk to your boyfriend, look into getting some therapy. All of these things helped me out hugely. All I really want to say is don't give up.

    This kind of depression does not necessarily have to be linked to your life situation, things that have happened in your past. There's no magic formula to "be happy" instantly, but there are lots of ways to get help. You just have to ask for it. I found it incredibly hard to do that, but once I opened up, things started improving almost straight away. Therapy is a very good way of working through your problems. Sometimes just having one person you can be completely honest with is a godsend.

    I really hope that things improve for you. Even by posting on here you're reaching out for help, and that's the best thing you can do.

    Gripper on
  • Toxin01Toxin01 Registered User regular
    edited September 2008
    bsjezz wrote: »
    have you travelled much?

    I used to feel like the OP, and I have to say, traveling with friends and going on roadtrips is a great way to relax and enjoy yourself.

    Toxin01 on
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  • noir_bloodnoir_blood Registered User regular
    edited September 2008
    I'm sorry, but I think the only advice that anyone can give you that have merit is for you to contact either the hotline posted here already, or a therapist.

    Traveling, setting up goals, all is indeed important, but I honestly don't think any of those would help you at this point. There might be something else weighing you down, and until you figure out what it is and work(at whatever pace is best) to get rid of that, all the other things won't necessarily help you.

    noir_blood on
  • CelestialBadgerCelestialBadger Registered User regular
    edited September 2008
    It sounds like you have real, clinical depression. You should tell the doctor exactly how you are feeling - maybe print out your posts if you can't verbally express it.

    Don't think that you will feel sad forever - it's just the depression tricking your brain into feeling that there is no hope.

    I hope your appointment with the doctor is productive and you feel better soon.

    CelestialBadger on
  • Chop LogicChop Logic Registered User regular
    edited September 2008
    Also, obviously you need to see a therapist or something, this isn't an answer in and of itself, but as far as long term goals go, you could try taking up a new hobby. Learning to draw, riding a bike, learning how to play an instrument, anything you've been interested in but haven't ever tried. Seeing yourself make visible progress in something is a very tangible kind of happiness.

    But before that, see a doctor or therapist or something. Don't feel bad about going to one, lots of people do, and it doesn't mean your crazy. My mom goes to one actually, and she's perfectly normal.

    Chop Logic on
  • Toxin01Toxin01 Registered User regular
    edited September 2008
    Another thing that'd help is to take a sport.

    Or working out.

    Toxin01 on
    Aiden Baail: Level 1 Swordmage: 19 AC 14 Fort 15 Ref 13 Will (Curse Of The Black Pearls)
    GM: Rusty Chains (DH Ongoing)
  • Masked_MulletMasked_Mullet Registered User regular
    edited September 2008
    Seriously, take these guys advices. Your best chance from my experience` is to see a therapist or a someone of that nature, they do wonders. I was basically at the point of sucidie this year because of how my life was turning out. I saw the therapist an they helped me alot. Today i look at life in a different perspective.

    Masked_Mullet on
  • SamuelSamuel Registered User regular
    edited September 2008
    Hey, I know I'm kind of an asshole but you can talk to me about this stuff if you ever need to.

    I don't think anything anyone says here is going to help. Most of the sensible advice, you've already tried, probably several times.

    I know you've been through some pretty shitty times, but any resentment you have will absolutely have to be resolved or put behind you before you feel okay. I suspect you're in a habit of thinking of, and dwelling on, very negative things. It's impossible not to worry, get stressed, and generally feel awful when you think like that, but I imagine it's a very difficult cycle to pull yourself out of. Taking meds and seeing shrinks will take you so far, but in the end it really is up to you.

    For me, there was a point where I decided being miserable or not was a choice I could consciously make. What it came down to was, whenever I found myself in a rubbish situation I would just think, "well, I can either dwell on this and feel like crap, or just... not do that." One of those options is infinitely more fun, and I haven't faced anything so far that this hasn't instantly worked for.

    Of course, I'm completely aware that saying this kind of thing to someone who is currently depressed will be taken as nothing but patronising, but that is genuinely what worked for me.

    Anyway, good luck.

    Samuel on
  • SamuelSamuel Registered User regular
    edited September 2008
    I will also throw this out there:

    There is nothing worth worrying about.

    In the grand scheme of things, human existence is utterly insignificant. There is virtually nothing anyone can do that will have any kind of real lasting effect. But the fact that you are alive - that billions of molecules have been arranged in such a way that has created an object able to perceive and consider its surroundings in an intelligent way - is the most mind-blowingly incredible thing that I can possibly imagine.

    Do not even consider killing yourself. Squeeze every last bit of experience possible out of your life, because that's all anyone really has.

    Samuel on
  • ScreampunkScreampunk TehSpectre Registered User regular
    edited September 2008
    Working out is a natural way to overcome depression in certain people.

    Try it, along with the other advice around here.

    Screampunk on
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  • AngelinaAngelina Registered User regular
    edited September 2008
    I haven't travelled much, I've never had the money due to finding it so difficult to work for any length of time. As for exercise, for the past year I have been consistently exercising, my job's quite physical anyway and at home I have a horse that keeps me active. She also makes me happy, you could say she's my new hobby at the moment. If I could I'd spend all my time with her and pretend the real world doesn't exist, but it does and I need money to keep my horse.
    My mother issues are pretty much over, we talk and she tries to make up for what she did to me in the past. I visit her quite often, and look forward to going to her house.

    Hello Samuel, fancy seeing you here! You are of course very right that I've tried most of the advice over the past 10 years now. I guess it won't hurt to try some again. I don't think I dwell, these past few weeks have been a bit of a surprise to me. I honestly thought that I was fine until I started randomly crying at least twice a day. It's been out of the blue as well, the other day was out in the playground at work and I wasn't able to run off and find somewhere private. I'm controlling it a bit more now, lack of sleep makes it a lot harder though. As for the death thoughts, it's almost like I'm working out what to have for dinner. There's no emotion behind it, I just want to sort out the practical stuff like money out.

    This is my second day off work, I'm sure I'm going to have a nice serious talk when I get back seeing as about 10 days ago I also took 2 days off as I couldn't cope then either. I'm going to the doctor in a few hours, I think I know what I'm going to say to her, I hope it goes well.

    Angelina on
  • KaimakaKaimaka Registered User regular
    edited September 2008
    Thiis thread is full of truth; it is no fun being mentally and physically depressed. Being content and even happy with your lot in life wins every time. As hard as it is to implement just deciding to be different is what I takes.

    One of my biggest turn arounds in mood and outlook on life involved horses and people.

    I volunteered with Riding for the disabled for about four years. Some of my best memories relate to that one simple change. I can relate to finding horses to be really good friends and taking joy in getting to know their personalities as they in turn get to know you. Nothing beats the bond that affords the ability to do Jedi mind tricks on a horse friend with nothing but a naked horse five metres away and you with empty hands. (lead ropes, bridles, head collars can all be abstract concepts if you heads if you know your horse) Natural horsemanship beats classic or western styles in my view.

    When the horses and I didn't get on there was the kids or clients, who we talked to through the whole deal of riding, caring for the tack, feeding and just relating to the person on whatever level fits. I was a volunteer helper / leader/ sidewalker / on call key holder for farriers and such. Despite meaningless titles and positions of who is there why I just know I got just as much out of it as those who RDA "for"
    The friends, contact and networking was also great from a 'what's in it for me?' perspective. One day I walked in and one womand was telling another new person that I'm good with computers. "Oh hey Kaimaka, I was talking about you" led to me having a 5 month ficed term contract job for something that wasn't advertised out side of "Horsey people" my boss knew (or knew of in my case)

    As far a therapy goes the plan was people could move on to a pony club with real horse type skills after they had gotten to the point it would be more fair to open up space for new people.

    Kaimaka on
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  • HypatiaHypatia Registered User regular
    edited September 2008
    On the anti-depressants thing, it might be worth not giving up on it. I never really believed in them working and I have a friend who was anorexic/bulemic for many years with depression issues who thought they didn't work either because she had tried so many. I saw her a few months ago though and she said that after years of trying she got a new doctor who put her on something different that finally worked and she said it was like magic and she's doing wonderfully now.

    Hypatia on
  • KaimakaKaimaka Registered User regular
    edited September 2008
    pharmaceutical approachs can be annoying in that they really take time and effort and hit and miss type trial and error to find one to match you and you specific make up. It is really hard all I can recommend is try the drugs as best you can, from a doctor who is open and frank about what they are and are not. Once you have the prescription filled fin something, like I did in RDA, that make you happy for no other reason than 'it just does' and think of the coming weeks as a two-tier attack with doing something you enjoy and taking the drugs to set that happy time into something your body knows and recognise. Even if that mean you take the drug for the forseeable future.

    That is basically my take based on me and who I am. My diet has alway been poor and bad food or good food can change your mood in a way not dissiilar to the drugs which are easy to throw down with water than make yourself eat (am I the only one like this? people comfort eat? how does that happen? I'm so weird)

    Drugs are not going to when any fights in of them selve in a vaccumm. But pharmacitcal ju-jistu is a really cool and accurate analogy. A guy point at you with sten vigour and intent is not a fight winner. But is has a very real effect and aid to an larger strategy

    Kaimaka on
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