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Well, looks like my wang is on strike.
Angry_Potato
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Alt here. Howdoyado?
Well, it would appear that my penis is angry at me.
I've been dating this women for well over 11 months, and things have been going absolutely great. She's funny, smart, and dropdead gorgeous as well (actually was a suicidegirl for awhile). We're both 21, enrolled in college, and we generally have a great time with one another. But enough with the rosey stuff.
When it comes to sex, you could say I'm unpredictable. Sometimes, my dick will just refuse to cooperate. We've had sex maybe 11 or 12 times now (we didn't actually have intercourse until about month 10 of the relationship), and it has either been really shakey or really good. Sometimes I won't be able to maintain an erection, or if I'm not using a condom, I tend to climax too quickly (yes, I know, use a condom always, gotcha - she is on birthcontrol, nothing came out of it, I'll never do it again, don't bother mentioning it). We've had sessions where I have blown her mind (to the point of where she wouldn't stop talking about it for a few days), and sessions where I have totally bombed and left her frustrated.
Keep in mind that this is the first physical relationship I've had with a girl. Yes, I'm 21, and I understand that is an abnormality in our culture. No, I am not some sort of horrendous troll man or am obsessively obese or something. I'm not a bad looking guy, and I've had a number of sexual opportunities since I was 16. However, I had no urge to pursue them until now.
Initially, I thought that my sexual frustration stemmed from having an abusive-suicidal-alcoholic mother with Borderline Personality Disorder (there's Freud for you), but after going to a few counseling sessions offered by my school, they told me that I was incredibly well-adjusted and that my past circumstances didn't seem to have much of a lasting affect on me. So, I sort of ruled that out, but who knows?
I've noticed that when we're about to have sex, I almost dread it - not that I hate having sex with a gorgeous woman. I look forward to it. But I just get wrapped up in, "Oh shit, am I going to get there too quick? What if it's terrible? What if blahblahblahblah" - and I hate that. If I'm guilty of anything, it's overanalyzing and overthinking things. So I'm fairly certain that my ED is purely psychological (as I've maintained good healthy erections for an extended period of time).
My question is this - how the hell do I get around my overthinking this sex thing? Do I drink some wine? Put on some Barry White? Pinch my nipples really hard? Do you guys have any tips for "getting in the zone", because I'd really just like to be able to consistently perform and be an average, normal, healthy young adult.
Thanks for your time.
Well, it would appear that my penis is angry at me.
I've been dating this women for well over 11 months, and things have been going absolutely great. She's funny, smart, and dropdead gorgeous as well (actually was a suicidegirl for awhile). We're both 21, enrolled in college, and we generally have a great time with one another. But enough with the rosey stuff.
When it comes to sex, you could say I'm unpredictable. Sometimes, my dick will just refuse to cooperate. We've had sex maybe 11 or 12 times now (we didn't actually have intercourse until about month 10 of the relationship), and it has either been really shakey or really good. Sometimes I won't be able to maintain an erection, or if I'm not using a condom, I tend to climax too quickly (yes, I know, use a condom always, gotcha - she is on birthcontrol, nothing came out of it, I'll never do it again, don't bother mentioning it). We've had sessions where I have blown her mind (to the point of where she wouldn't stop talking about it for a few days), and sessions where I have totally bombed and left her frustrated.
Keep in mind that this is the first physical relationship I've had with a girl. Yes, I'm 21, and I understand that is an abnormality in our culture. No, I am not some sort of horrendous troll man or am obsessively obese or something. I'm not a bad looking guy, and I've had a number of sexual opportunities since I was 16. However, I had no urge to pursue them until now.
Initially, I thought that my sexual frustration stemmed from having an abusive-suicidal-alcoholic mother with Borderline Personality Disorder (there's Freud for you), but after going to a few counseling sessions offered by my school, they told me that I was incredibly well-adjusted and that my past circumstances didn't seem to have much of a lasting affect on me. So, I sort of ruled that out, but who knows?
I've noticed that when we're about to have sex, I almost dread it - not that I hate having sex with a gorgeous woman. I look forward to it. But I just get wrapped up in, "Oh shit, am I going to get there too quick? What if it's terrible? What if blahblahblahblah" - and I hate that. If I'm guilty of anything, it's overanalyzing and overthinking things. So I'm fairly certain that my ED is purely psychological (as I've maintained good healthy erections for an extended period of time).
My question is this - how the hell do I get around my overthinking this sex thing? Do I drink some wine? Put on some Barry White? Pinch my nipples really hard? Do you guys have any tips for "getting in the zone", because I'd really just like to be able to consistently perform and be an average, normal, healthy young adult.
Thanks for your time.
Angry_Potato on
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Shogun Streams Vidya
Yep. In fact, that one really good session I noted above involved me giving her a full body rub. Oils, candles, all that stuff. It really worked for me, and I told her that.
However, she doesn't really like the fact that it takes me that long to "get ready". She's really into spontaneous sex. For example, she's told me that one of her big fantasies is for me to "take her" while she's cooking in the kitchen and have her on the kitchen table (which, by the way, is totally improbable - she doesn't cook. I doubt she'd even know which end of the pot to hold).
A) Drink some (not much). This will make you think less about it.
C) Realize there is nothing wrong with you, you just think about it too much. Eventually everything will fall into place.
I was basically in the exact same situation as you, and now I'm fine so don't fret. Do you take antidepressants at all? That was my main problem, then I got off them and just had the anxiety... and then I got over the anxiety.
Good luck man.
Instead of worrying about not lasting long enough or not getting it up ect. Focus on pleasing her. Give her a massage, go down on her, finger her, make entirely sure she is getting off. By then you will be so excited and horny you shouldn't have any trouble getting it on. And even if you only last 5 minutes she won't be laying there waiting for an orgasm that isnt coming.
Also remember this is all in your head. Really just stop worrying about it. (easier said then done I know) but focus on something else and it does become easy. And its really not a big deal if you do cum to early. Just say wow you are awesome give me 5 minutes and we can go again. Its nothing to be ashamed of. All men are not monster porn stars with rock hard cocks 24/7
You are very very normal. Hot girls make most guys blow their load early. That just means you get to have more orgasms faster. (trust me its better than the alternative of not being able to climax cause the chick is ugly)
Foreplay at least 10 minutes, 20 minutes is better. (your times may vary but if you are just looking for guidlines these can help.
If none of that works get some of those urge suppressing condoms. They make them for a reason and they should help (i personally have never used them but i have heard good things from people that needed them)
But mainly dude just relax. Your boning a hot chick. Its supposed to be fun. Stop filling your mind with worry dread and shame and just look at how great her boobies are and smile.
Shogun Streams Vidya
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Nah, not anti-depressants of any kind. I just have a brain that runs constantly at full-throttle, which while good for my particular profession, can make my personal life a bit Hellish.
By the way, if I can make a slightly off-topic comment, kudos to you for owning your anxiety problem. I have a great deal of respect for anyone who can beat a problem without having to use a pill as an extended crutch.
But I will try out that drinking suggestions. Maybe some red wine or something.
Then again, I really like to drink so my wasted is quite wasted
A gin and tonic (or vodka if you prefer) will do 2 things the booze will relax you and the tonic will settle your stomach (sometimes nerves can upset people's guts which is bad when you are naked and close to someone else)
A light chilled white wine. pinot grigio or Rieslings. In fact unless you have a well developed palet I recommend the brand Relax in the blue bottle. Girls tend to really like it and its sweet. Split a bottle with her, hell drink it off of her.
Don't have more than 3 or 4 drinks though as this can lead to a total inability to get it up and that is just frustrating as all hell.
QFT! And Limp moose just sounds like a source you can trust on this issue :P
Ahhh, Whiskey Dick. I am fully aware of the horror stories.
And God damn, you guys are all quick on the draw. Thanks for the flood of helpful advice.
As for the alternatives to wang-on-funhole intercourse, we've fooled around many times and I seem to have no problems there. She is happy with my handiwork (a nice boon from being a bandgeek) and is very, very pleased with my oral skills (again, see bandgeek). Whenever we fool around, I have no problem getting an erection - it's just when it comes to sex that I choke.
But I'm going to try out all this different stuff as soon as I get a chance. I'll keep you guys posted.
One other thing i forgot to mention was that you should also communicate to her that she makes you nervous and that it is out of a desire to please her that you sometimes feel intimidated and worried. Tell her to try and relax you and get you in the mood sometimes. (IE if you are rubbing her down with massage oils and candles she could be returning the favor)
at least try and make her understand that this is new territory for you and that you are an apt pupil and willing to learn.
Experience and practice will solve this problem in a week or 2 man. Have no worries.
Well, depends because we switch it up. She has been on top more often than I have as she seems to be better able to position herself, which I'm fine with. While I enjoy the view very much, the way her bed is built doesn't give her a lot of motion downstairs, which leaves me a little numb to the whole experience. But if we do it on the floor or someplace more firm, it works out better.
We've tried on a chair, but that didn't work for me. Spooning works out, and we've tried that on more than a few times. The one time I tried missionary, I just lost interest halfway through it because that goddamn bed is so hard to move on. It's one of those Temperpedic(sp?) Swedish Foam pads. Feels like trying to fuck in a gymnastic foam pit.
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
When I realized that I really did like her and it was going very well, I had no problems. Until then, if I was only halfway to bonertown, I would usually go for it anyways because penetrative sex brought me to a full erection very quickly. The trick there is making sure you have the condom on properly.
Other thing I found: I found it much more arousing to do foreplay when she was sitting up or kneeling, so I could see the movement of her body more than when she was lying down. That's a huge turn on for me; if you can find something like this, just a simple switch in position can drastically affect how easily you get turned on.
Also, of course, if you hold off on masturbating when she's not around, you're far more likely to pop a raging boner, with the downside that you'll probably finish quicker as well. Masturbating the morning before you see her results in the opposite. What I'm saying is, jerking is like a penis_edit.exe that lets you roughly customize your performance.
Hope some of that will be helpful.
You mentioned BPD- this can come in all shape and sizes from being a typical dual-core Virgo, to literally switching in and out of different performance modes.
This... is going to sound weird. Do you ever feel like theres a part of you locked away in a cage? That theres an alternate method of being that makes you stronger, more psychologically capable? Are you scared of it, or what it might do?
Occasionally people with BPD or close approximations to it, have a sexual way of being that they are worried about, or feel might be inappropriate. At the same time though, a lot of their fantasies and sexual drives are held within that part. Organizing the two (or more, but lets just say two for simplicities sake) states of mind to work together can be tricky.
Just from what it sounds like, you require a lot of revving in order for your body to be aroused. In people with multiple states, that arousal helps break down the barriers between states, so that the inner, tucked away self can come forward and get what it wants from the situation. Basically, it shuts down the highbrain and kicks in the lowbrain, the instinctual, grittier side of what is otherwise a very tightly controlled personality.
If this is the case, you don't need to have the arousal if you can find the 'switch', the part of you that gives out and lets that state, that alternate way of thinking and feeling come into play. You can certainly play in co-op mode, smoothly transition between ways of thinking, or go all out on one side or the other.
All conjecture of course, but its pretty common in borderline personality issues to have one's sexuality compartmentalized into different functions, a natural way (for that person) to deal with those thoughts and physical responses. Its kinda weird to speak of 'teamwork' in regards to one's own self, but essentially thats the gist of it. Live together, work together, play together.
Give me a PM sometime if this sounds like it could be you, I've done a fair amount of work in this area.
Things I did to help was drink a little, this just helps your brain slow down
There is no point in someone telling you to stop thinking about it because you can`t....so what I did was just read up on the internet (like your doing now) for ways of coming around this even if they have no reason to work it gives you that placebo effect where it helps you mentally which is where the problem roots from.
Also shooting one off like an hour before (if possible) helps
EDIT: Now I am 20 and have no problem with this sorta thing so it gets better for sure
I sometimes think that if I'd learned french horn instead of the sax, I could apply those skills in other areas of my life...
I like to think that music and sex are rather similar, in that both require rhythm, timing, a bit of improvisation here and there, a dexterous tongue and fingers (some girls go crazy at the mere mention of flutter tongue), and passion. Also in that practising scales alone is never as much fun as trading fours around a band. So because of your band-geekdom, that pretty much automatically makes you a sex god.
I think the only advice I can give is just have fun. If there's anything that quashed my sexual anxieties, it was that. Sex is something you should rarely ever take seriously, and something that should be laughed at and joked about often.
Say you're watching star wars together. Pounce on her and growl like a tauntaun, get her laughing, happy and smiling, then start making the moves. But keep up the humour. Take off her pants, work your way down then yell "It's a trap!" and leap away (and then back again, obviously). The more you're both giggling, and genuinely having fun, the more comfortable and confident you're going to feel when doing the deed.
The example may be a little extreme, but you get the idea. Just relax and don't be afraid to have a laugh or two. If you make her giggle and smile even once while you're getting intimate then you will have set things in motion for a night of hot, steamy fun. Now go forth, and unleash your inner sex god!
That is so adorable, I'm going to try it on my boyfriend.
Tickle fights are also ripe for turning into sexy-time, btw.
but they're listening to every word I say
Which suicide girl?
Trust me
Sounds like a combination of anxiety and inexperience. The SAME things used to run through my head before I started having sex consistently. As the years went on and I got more experience those problems went away. Practice makes perfect bud. Just work on it and it will get better.
Try just doing one night where your goal is to put all of your attention on her, similar to the body rub, but don't even worry about your penis. Your goal is to turn her on and pleasure her as much as possible, and through doing that, your penis might get very excited.
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