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Girl thread of sorts - strange situation
mooshoepork
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Before I start, let me just say that this isn't a usual girl thread. It doesn't involve a girl I want to date, I'm already happily in a relationship.
I'll give some background first.
There was a girl named Sarah, I met through a friend of mine. We really met via msn, and didn't really meet for a long time, even though we lived pretty close to each other. We were friends for about 6 months before we dated for about 2 weeks. It was quite disastrous, but ye know, shit happens. I broke off all contact. Now, Sarah's friend, Michelle, is a good friend of mine. I knew her through Sarah as they are best friends. After me and Sarah broke up, I continued to talk to Michelle. Just casual IM conversation, phone occasionally, nothing much. I haven't even MET her, which is absolutely ridiculous considering how long we have know each other.
After I stopped dating Sarah, I met Jessica, who I am still with to this present day. Nearly 3 years later.
Here's the problem.
I've been talking to Michelle a lot more recently, and we've realised how retarded it was that we haven't actually met. She asked if I wanted to "hang out". She has a boyfriend, I have a girlfriend. I kinda blew it off because it seemed strange.
I told her this tonight, and why I thought it was weird. I asked whether or not her boyfriend would think it was weird, and she said that they weren't the jealous type, and they both have their own friends.
Personally, I think this is really weird. We have no mutual friends. It would just be me and her. This doesn't seem like the kind of thing that would go down well with my girlfriend, and rightfully so in my opinion. Am I weird? Is this situation strange? It seems like a lot of trouble.
As I said though, me and Michelle are really good friends. As close as you can be without having met I suppose. In a way I do want to meet her. Not romantically, but I'd love to have something more than just an internet friendship. We have been talking for years and years, and it's finally come up.
I'm really confused, I don't know whether or not this is right or not. If it were my girlfriend in the same situation with a guy, I don't know if I'd care. I might a little bit. Am I being immature?
We are all 18 years old for reference. So, H/A. What do you think?
I'll give some background first.
There was a girl named Sarah, I met through a friend of mine. We really met via msn, and didn't really meet for a long time, even though we lived pretty close to each other. We were friends for about 6 months before we dated for about 2 weeks. It was quite disastrous, but ye know, shit happens. I broke off all contact. Now, Sarah's friend, Michelle, is a good friend of mine. I knew her through Sarah as they are best friends. After me and Sarah broke up, I continued to talk to Michelle. Just casual IM conversation, phone occasionally, nothing much. I haven't even MET her, which is absolutely ridiculous considering how long we have know each other.
After I stopped dating Sarah, I met Jessica, who I am still with to this present day. Nearly 3 years later.
Here's the problem.
I've been talking to Michelle a lot more recently, and we've realised how retarded it was that we haven't actually met. She asked if I wanted to "hang out". She has a boyfriend, I have a girlfriend. I kinda blew it off because it seemed strange.
I told her this tonight, and why I thought it was weird. I asked whether or not her boyfriend would think it was weird, and she said that they weren't the jealous type, and they both have their own friends.
Personally, I think this is really weird. We have no mutual friends. It would just be me and her. This doesn't seem like the kind of thing that would go down well with my girlfriend, and rightfully so in my opinion. Am I weird? Is this situation strange? It seems like a lot of trouble.
As I said though, me and Michelle are really good friends. As close as you can be without having met I suppose. In a way I do want to meet her. Not romantically, but I'd love to have something more than just an internet friendship. We have been talking for years and years, and it's finally come up.
I'm really confused, I don't know whether or not this is right or not. If it were my girlfriend in the same situation with a guy, I don't know if I'd care. I might a little bit. Am I being immature?
We are all 18 years old for reference. So, H/A. What do you think?
mooshoepork on
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The sex of the person you are hanging around with shouldn't matter.
It shouldn't, but people can be fickle about this thing. It's really not uncommon, albeit unhealthy, to be with someone who gets jealous over something like this.
Discuss it with your girlfriend. Be calm, tell her you support her decision about the topic either way. If your girlfriend is okay with you talking, there's a good chance she'll be okay with you meeting.
It shouldn't matter, but I think it does.
If she was hanging out with a guy that she hadn't met, I wouldn't be worried per se, but I wouldn't be ecstatic. I trust her, and I'd support her in it, but I can understand why she would be jealous.
I understand they might be unhealthy, but it isn't THAT crazy. It just feels to me like a natural reaction. Human nature. I'm not sure though.
I'm sorry but it doesn't seem to make any sense to me. Unless you are intending on cheating on her I don't see the issue.
Well, she might feel threatened by Michelle because I've been talking to a lot recently. I'm not entirely sure she is. It just feels like something that might not go down well. I wouldn't even know how to tell her.
It doesn't make sense if you don't have intentions. But people act like this all the time, mostly cause by jealously and "worst case scenario" type of situations. Probably just a minimization of risks involved, if he doesn't have any friends that are girls he is less likely to cheat on me.
It happens, and the best approach is to just discuss it with her to see where she stands. If she's opposed and you really can't deal with this situation because you have friends that are girls or want friends that are girls it's best to let her know.
"I just want to talk to you about something (and I just want to let you know that I support your decision in this). I have a few friends who are girls, how do you feel about this? Is it alright for me to hang out with them or is that going to be problematic? I just want to know your stance on this so I don't offend or hurt you inadvertently by doing something I think was okay."
I have friends that are girls, all of whom I hang out with at uni, in groups with other friends. I haven't ever gone with just a female friend to hang out. It just kinda seemed out of bounds so to speak. It shouldn't be like that, and it's really immature, but do you know what I'm talking about at least?
I'll have a talk to her about it, not sure how I'm going to bring it up though.
That is good. Gold even. I shall try that. Thank you
edit: She's annoyed that I would think it'd be a problem. She said I could be friends with whoever I wanted. Not sure how she'd feel about me hanging out with them alone though
it could also just be nice to have more people to ease the transition.
so while in an ideal world this would not matter, if it makes you uncomfortable, then it must matter, and there is no reason to not make it just a little easier on yourself.
If your intentions are clear and your relationship is healthy, you'll be fine. Sounds like you need to convince yourself more than you need to convince your girlfriend.
I anticipate this ending up a non-issue.
Go hang out with your friend and have a good time. If your girlfriend asks, just tell her straight up you're meeting up with a good buddy - the truth. I don't know why you have to make this complicated at all. People can have friends of both genders and hold special bonds with other people while retaining the one they hold with their lovers. Yes, it's immature to have any sort of fuss over what is human's basic social nature.
This is going to be asking for trouble and is ultimately bad advice. It's best to discuss this first, especially if you have no idea what her opinions on the matter are. Otherwise you come across as a colossal dick with no care about her feelings and if she gets hurt.
It's really not that strange to think or feel odd about a situation like this. It's not healthy but not completely out of the blue.
To avoid uncomfortable questions from significant others, don't put yourself in situations where they might get uncomfortable. Believe me, it will save you a lot of hassle in the end.
Either this, or else don't do it at all. Even though there's theoretically nothing wrong with hanging out with Michelle, just you and her, avoiding even the possible appearance of shenanigans makes things more comfortable for everyone.
"Nah, I'm busy, have a good time."
or
"Okay, sounds cool."
There. Done. Stop making such a fuss over this.
Yup.
Also a good way to approach the subject without talking about it.
BINGO
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
I had a huge discussion about this last night with my girlfriend until about 3 am. Ultimately, she thought it was weird. I asked if she'd mind if I went out with a friend (that she has met before) and she said she wouldn't care, but who would care if it was someone she hadn't met, ie: friends at uni, purely because she "doesn't know their intentions"
I said it shouldn't matter if she really trusted me and trusted my judgment of people. I didn't specifically mention Michelle, just other people.
Anyway, it kinda turned into a fight, and then she thought I wanted to be "in a open relationship" and to "take a step back". She kept classifying what I was saying by me going out on "dates" with other people.
I actually said:
Hypothetically, David (someone she hasn't met) were to call me up, and wanna go bowling, that'd be fine yeah.
her: Yeah
me: If Emily called me up, and wanted to hang out, that'd be fine?
her: Well, it'd be weird, I wouldn't stop you, but wouldn't her boyfriend care too? I think he would,].
me: Why does the fact the she have a vagina make a difference?
She kinda got jealous about it. I told her I wouldn't mind if the same thing happened with her and a guy friend. I just don't see why she'd care so much.
Anyway, the discussion got kinda heated and I get pretty pissed off, which I regret, but still. Ultimately I told her it was ridiculous and immature and that she'd just have to deal with it.
If you suspected she would feel weird about it, you shouldn't have talked her in circles so that she had to accidentally say she wouldn't feel weird about it. That doesn't help anyone.
Anyway, I'm sure you realize all this by now. Chalk this one up to a lesson learned and don't play it like that anymore. Just being upfront with her about things and trying to appreciate (even if you don't agree or completely understand) where she's coming from goes a long way.
And yes, it sounds like the party/double-date is the best way to go.
Maybe it wasn't the best approach, but I wanted to test the waters before I potentially cause a huge problem. I should've been upfront about it though. Lesson learned.
Seriously though. Don't turn it into a big thing and don't be defensive. Do what you think is right and handle it the way that makes the most sense. Rational people usually come to rational conclusions.
edit:
Heh. Yeah
This isn't a big deal, it is you meeting a good friend for the first time to chat and shoot the shit, and nothing more.
"Hey, you know michelle, been friends with her for years and all, she was wondering if i'd like to hang out, I figured I should just ask if you're good with that first"
Not doing that whole ambiguous crap, just spit it out like you have nothing to hide, because guess what, you have nothing to hide.
I'm probably acting like I have something to hide to avoid causing a fight about it. I'm not sure how she would react. I understand what you're saying though. I shall take this advice.
But you may have shot yourself in the foot with that earlier attempt, so let it cool down for a while and treat her extra nice for a bit.
If you are doing something perfectly reasonable, you should have no fear. This applies across the board