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[Girl Thread] Help me be less needy!

EriosErios Registered User regular
edited September 2008 in Help / Advice Forum
Hi again H/A,

TL;DR I'm too needy and I'm worried it's pushing her out, advise!

I am in a bit of a pickle with my girlfriend, allow me to explain.

Background: So this girl (let's call her Jessica since that's her name) and I started going out about 9 years ago. Yep, long time. Been around forever etc. We went to the same grade school in San Francisco, went to different boarding schools in New England and now we go to different universities around the Northeast (she goes to Wesleyan, I go to Columbia). We have a lot in common and blah blah blah.

Ok, now on to the meat of the issue. Last January, she went to China for a semester and a half, coming back in August. I visited her, things were understandably a little tense (considering I couldn't so much as eat without her help, since I am the mogwai and speak no Chinese). We also didn't get a chance to talk on the phone much for some pretty obvious reasons.

So now that she's back, I find I try to contact her at all times. I call her several times a day, often to no answer (she dodges my calls when she's working-which is what I do to others so it's pretty understandable). I also am the king of IM spam at this point. I can tell my needy behavior is somewhat putting her off, which worries me as I really don't want any damage to come to my relationship.

Now I have always had pretty severe abandonment issues. My father basically kicked me out of his life when I was 12 after he left my mother and I at 6. I never have had too many friends, but the ones I do have often are very close to me. Since I often let my friends get so close, I worry that they don't reciprocate my feelings and will eventually turn on me. What scares me most is that those feelings, likely due to prolonged separation are creeping into my relationship.

I doubt a quick fix to my neediness exists. However, if anyone has any experience, advice or techniques they would like to share, I would be more than happy to hear them!

Naturally more details can be provided if desired.

Steam: erios23, Live: Coconut Flavor, Origin: erios2386.
Erios on

Posts

  • ShogunShogun Hair long; money long; me and broke wizards we don't get along Registered User regular
    edited September 2008
    You've already identified the root of the problem so what help can we offer? You know you're being too needy/clingy so stop being so needy/clingy. Quit calling her so often, quit IMing her so often, etc etc.

    Shogun on
  • mooshoeporkmooshoepork Registered User regular
    edited September 2008
    Erios wrote: »
    Hi again H/A,

    Since I often let my friends get so close, I worry that they don't reciprocate my feelings and will eventually turn on me.

    Holy shit, this is me in a nutshell.

    Sorry I couldn't be of more help, but at least you know someone can relate.

    mooshoepork on
  • eternalbleternalbl Registered User regular
    edited September 2008
    Do things to occupy your time? Obviously being on the PA forums you're a gamer, whats come out lately that you want to pick up? Pick it up. Book? Same thing. Does she hate something you enjoy? Get a buddy and go do that. Just chill out, if you don't get an answer and leave a message, let her call back when she's ready.

    Also, realize she's not air, you don't NEED her. Depending on her so much for your own well being isn't right.

    eternalbl on
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  • SpawnbrokerSpawnbroker Registered User regular
    edited September 2008
    I used to be this way, know what made my abandonment complex go away? I got dumped, a lot, until I figured out that behavior like that is not fun for the other person. I stayed single for a while and learned how to have tons of fun without defining my life around having a significant other. You need to do this. If you are so worried about your girlfriend that you call her more than 2 or 3 times a day, you shouldn't be in a relationship.

    You probably don't want to hear this, but until you're perfectly happy being single and alone you can't be perfectly happy with someone else. Fix your own problems before you add another person's problems to your life.

    Spawnbroker on
    Steam: Spawnbroker
  • DodgeBlanDodgeBlan PSN: dodgeblanRegistered User regular
    edited September 2008
    Power. She has it all. She left to go to travel, she works and doesn't return your calls. She dictates the terms of the relationship all you can do is pine and pine and accept the relationships on the terms that she decides.

    Some people on both sides are happy with this sort of relationship. You may (at least to some extent) enjoy being completely dependent on your SO, and she may enjoy looking at her phone and seeing 3 missed calls from the BF. Maybe this is a healthy dynamic in your relationship. But it is pretty much guaranteed that if the relationship does combust at some point you will be the one who suffers the most.

    So what you need to do is put down the phone, and wait till she comes to you.

    DodgeBlan on
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  • EriosErios Registered User regular
    edited September 2008
    eternalbl wrote: »
    Do things to occupy your time? Obviously being on the PA forums you're a gamer, whats come out lately that you want to pick up? Pick it up. Book? Same thing. Does she hate something you enjoy? Get a buddy and go do that. Just chill out, if you don't get an answer and leave a message, let her call back when she's ready.

    Also, realize she's not air, you don't NEED her. Depending on her so much for your own well being isn't right.

    See, I like this. I am a busy guy academically, I just don't always make time to have fun. I guess I should do that. Perhaps I should log onto Warhammer online more often. Coincidentally, I am about to head out to the gym.

    Better than this.
    I used to be this way, know what made my abandonment complex go away? I got dumped, a lot, until I figured out that behavior like that is not fun for the other person. I stayed single for a while and learned how to have tons of fun without defining my life around having a significant other. You need to do this. If you are so worried about your girlfriend that you call her more than 2 or 3 times a day, you shouldn't be in a relationship.

    You probably don't want to hear this, but until you're perfectly happy being single and alone you can't be perfectly happy with someone else. Fix your own problems before you add another person's problems to your life.

    See, I would agree with you except this has manifested itself as a new behavior. I have always had the complex, so to say, but I haven't ever really acted on it. While I disagree with your conclusion that I shouldn't be in a relationship, I will still take your other advice and points to heart.

    UPDATE: Talked to her and she agreed to meet me somewhat half way, in that we will be more specific as to when we will speak.

    Erios on
    Steam: erios23, Live: Coconut Flavor, Origin: erios2386.
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