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Reconnecting With Family
JaysonFour
Classy Monster KittehRegistered User regular
Classy Monster KittehRegistered User regular
For the last few years, I've been getting everything ready for me to move away from home, go to college, and then go on out into the great big world. Part of doing this is dealing with various personal problems, past and present. I've cleared lots of stuff off my plate- stuff I'd been worried about for years suddenly crumpled with a little prodding and a lot of logic. My outlook on life is looking brighter by the day. But one of the remaining problems is one I've literally had nightmares about. It's reconnecting with my dad.
We had some family trouble growing up- parents ended up divorced. Dad remarried, to a woman who made sure if we fucked up, no matter how small, we paid dearly for it- and she had a cruel streak a mile wide.
Example: She wanted me to go jogging with her. I'm not very into the whole exercise thing, not to mention I hate it when my feet ache for no good reason, so I claim to be tired. She sends me to bed- at four-thirty in the afternoon, after she has her mother tell me that the family was all going to go out to the amusement park that night- but since I was too tired, everyone else could still go. I would be left in the bedroom, with the expectation that the massive list of chores left would be done, and I was to be in bed and asleep by the time they got home- which was not told to me, apparently to make sure I worked hard. Did I also mentioned I was grounded for three days for "mouthing off to her"?
I hated going there in the summer. Christmas was bad, too- she'd find out what we wanted (games, toys, etc.), get them for us, and watch us open them, her eyes filling with fiendish delight as my sister and I were told we couldn't take any of the presents home, three hours away- even the video games. Thier house didn't even have a console.
In the end, I grew to hate them both- to the point where I flat out refused to go. My sister went alone, and she was treated as royalty. I cussed my dad and step-mom out on the phone at twelve.
Life goes on, things happen- dad dumps the scary demon-bitch wife, moves back in with us, convinces Mom to move away from the rest of the family. We sell the house my sister and I grew up in, move four hours away, and live in a two-room apartment for eight months while Dad looks for a job. He finds nothing, but we move into a nice townhouse.
Four months later, Dad claims to be going out to look for a job. I wave to him as he leaves, thinking I'll see him later. Nope. Dad runs home to his own mother, about twelve hours away. He'd also cleaned out the bank accounts before we left. This incident turned mom into an emotional wreck, and it almost drove me to the point of trying to kill myself multiple times. I was infused with such anger and hatred for him that I chose to break off all contact about ten years ago.
My sister keeps contact with him- she and her boyfriend went to visit him and his new family- which unraveled into a teary phone screaming match after she got an email from him where he apparently said she wasn't welcome to visit any more. (His new wife was found to be sending those mails- he recently dumped her back into whatever pit she came from.)
So, sister went to visit with him again recently. She's said "JaysonFour, you're just like your father. You walk alike, act alike, he even plays complicated online computer games."
She also claims he's changed, and that I should meet him at a massive gaming convention in the state where he lives. I just don't know what to do. I'm scared of what might happen, what he might say or do...
First up: should I even be attempting to restore contact with him? He had a cancer scare a few years back, but part of me is afraid of being hurt again by geysers of past bullshit threatening to erupt and splatter everything with hatred.
Second: if I do contact him, how should I do it? Calling would be fast- I have his number, but I don't want to blow my stack and explode at him. I might write him an e-mail, but a letter would be better. But what do you say to someone you haven't talked to in ten years?
Finally- would it be advisable to meet him face to face if he wants to?
I want to put this behind me. I want the goddamn nightmares to end. I just don't want to end up eyebrows-deep in emotional shit because it turns out my father is still World's Biggest Douche.
We had some family trouble growing up- parents ended up divorced. Dad remarried, to a woman who made sure if we fucked up, no matter how small, we paid dearly for it- and she had a cruel streak a mile wide.
Example: She wanted me to go jogging with her. I'm not very into the whole exercise thing, not to mention I hate it when my feet ache for no good reason, so I claim to be tired. She sends me to bed- at four-thirty in the afternoon, after she has her mother tell me that the family was all going to go out to the amusement park that night- but since I was too tired, everyone else could still go. I would be left in the bedroom, with the expectation that the massive list of chores left would be done, and I was to be in bed and asleep by the time they got home- which was not told to me, apparently to make sure I worked hard. Did I also mentioned I was grounded for three days for "mouthing off to her"?
I hated going there in the summer. Christmas was bad, too- she'd find out what we wanted (games, toys, etc.), get them for us, and watch us open them, her eyes filling with fiendish delight as my sister and I were told we couldn't take any of the presents home, three hours away- even the video games. Thier house didn't even have a console.
In the end, I grew to hate them both- to the point where I flat out refused to go. My sister went alone, and she was treated as royalty. I cussed my dad and step-mom out on the phone at twelve.
Life goes on, things happen- dad dumps the scary demon-bitch wife, moves back in with us, convinces Mom to move away from the rest of the family. We sell the house my sister and I grew up in, move four hours away, and live in a two-room apartment for eight months while Dad looks for a job. He finds nothing, but we move into a nice townhouse.
Four months later, Dad claims to be going out to look for a job. I wave to him as he leaves, thinking I'll see him later. Nope. Dad runs home to his own mother, about twelve hours away. He'd also cleaned out the bank accounts before we left. This incident turned mom into an emotional wreck, and it almost drove me to the point of trying to kill myself multiple times. I was infused with such anger and hatred for him that I chose to break off all contact about ten years ago.
My sister keeps contact with him- she and her boyfriend went to visit him and his new family- which unraveled into a teary phone screaming match after she got an email from him where he apparently said she wasn't welcome to visit any more. (His new wife was found to be sending those mails- he recently dumped her back into whatever pit she came from.)
So, sister went to visit with him again recently. She's said "JaysonFour, you're just like your father. You walk alike, act alike, he even plays complicated online computer games."
She also claims he's changed, and that I should meet him at a massive gaming convention in the state where he lives. I just don't know what to do. I'm scared of what might happen, what he might say or do...
First up: should I even be attempting to restore contact with him? He had a cancer scare a few years back, but part of me is afraid of being hurt again by geysers of past bullshit threatening to erupt and splatter everything with hatred.
Second: if I do contact him, how should I do it? Calling would be fast- I have his number, but I don't want to blow my stack and explode at him. I might write him an e-mail, but a letter would be better. But what do you say to someone you haven't talked to in ten years?
Finally- would it be advisable to meet him face to face if he wants to?
I want to put this behind me. I want the goddamn nightmares to end. I just don't want to end up eyebrows-deep in emotional shit because it turns out my father is still World's Biggest Douche.
I can has cheezburger, yes?
JaysonFour on
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I wont speak to my birth father - the last words I said to him were if I ever laid eyes on him again I would kill him, and I still mean it 15 years later.
You have to examine your heart - is this what YOU want. Honestly it sounds like it is (at least thats how your post reads). If it is its my opinion a letter is the best way to go.
Speak about everything you have spoken here about - how much everything has hurt and how its effected your life and how you'd like to get to know him, but you have to learn and he has to earn trust. Take it slow and don't be afraid to back off if it feels there is no change.
I'm not exactly the best person to be doling out advice on this subject, particularly given my bias. So take mine with a grain of salt, but:
If your dad isn't the asshole--just the women that he's ended up with--it's hardly his fault. People can be sort of harsh at times, and clearing out the bank accounts and retreating to his mom's place probably felt like the only thing he could do. If you want him back in your life, then go for it. If you can forgive them, then definitely go for it. But, if you can't then don't bother.
If you do decide to contact him, I'd go for the phone call. I've never been big on surprising people, best to make sure that the feeling is mutual. But if he wants to meet you, then do it. Nothing says, "Hey, I love you. Sorry for all of the shit." like a hug.
Sometimes you want your family to be ok.