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What to say to a dad you never knew
brandotheninjamaster
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
On Christmas Eve when I was 16 years old my cousin let slip that I was adopted. I guess when her parents gave her the news that she was adopted as well, they told her I was too to soften the blow. Either way, I found out and it was an emotionally devastating night. I'm now 25 years old and still think about it from time to time.
Fast forward to the present, I'm now 25 and have 6 year old and a 6 month old sons. I guess after the birth of my youngest son I expressed some curiosity. Just for the fun of it my wife decided to search for this person online. We found him (quite easily in fact) and just saved his number and forgot about it. My wife calls me at work today and says "Brando, I called someone today."
Long story short she called him; or rather his wife. She asked his wife if he was around 45 and lived in the Maryland area in the 80's both answers to these questions were 'yes'. His wife is now "discussing" things with her husband and will call back at some point tonight.
After getting over the initial shock and anger (I think I should have been the one to make this decision), the same question keeps repeating in my mind over and over again. What do I say? And I have no idea how to begin to answer this question. Has anyone else here been through anything similar? It would be a great help if I could have some advice.
Fast forward to the present, I'm now 25 and have 6 year old and a 6 month old sons. I guess after the birth of my youngest son I expressed some curiosity. Just for the fun of it my wife decided to search for this person online. We found him (quite easily in fact) and just saved his number and forgot about it. My wife calls me at work today and says "Brando, I called someone today."
Long story short she called him; or rather his wife. She asked his wife if he was around 45 and lived in the Maryland area in the 80's both answers to these questions were 'yes'. His wife is now "discussing" things with her husband and will call back at some point tonight.
After getting over the initial shock and anger (I think I should have been the one to make this decision), the same question keeps repeating in my mind over and over again. What do I say? And I have no idea how to begin to answer this question. Has anyone else here been through anything similar? It would be a great help if I could have some advice.
brandotheninjamaster on
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They started things out with some questions. His dad denied any possibility of it and, IIRC, my friend asked a few more questions, asked him to think about it and remember what he can, and that he'll call him back in a few days. After that, they met, hung out for a minute. Guy still denied it for a bit, but eventually came around.
So, it'll probably be a slow process. I'd imagine you would want to take similar steps. Ask questions, let them think about it, and slowly make your way into the heavier stuff.
I have never met either of my birth parents. I have considered checking as I know at least my birth moms mom has expressed interest and I once sent her a very general letter through the agency that did not reveal much personal information. My brother (also adopted) met his birth father once, they hung out a couple of times but they haven't seen eachother in years.
I wish I could tell you what you should say. I honestly don't know what I would say to my birth parents. I do not have anything I really feel like I need to say either though. I am glad that they put my up for adoption instead of terminating the pregnancy, I can understand that it was probably a very hard decision and are thankful to them for what they did. I probably would try to get some medical history as I pretty much have none now. Just don't go into the situation if you are not comfortable with it and don't go in expecting to much.
I wouldn't give too much weight to who your biological parents are.
but they're listening to every word I say
Really, though, I only have one piece of advice I'm sure you should take: forgive your wife. Don't just get over it--forgive her. Yes, you have a valid opinion if you think you should have been the one to initaite it all, but she probably had her own reasons for doing what she did. She probably mishandled it, but all the same, make sure you forgive her.
I only mention it because I can understand you feeling shocked and angry because this is a huge deal--something potentially big enough to sour a marriage. Don't let it.
NINJA EDIT IN CASE YOU READ THIS AGAIN:
It's not worth another post to mention it, but so many other people have said they're not sure if there's a good reason to go talk to him that I should probably mention that at the very least, getting a family medical history for yourself and your children is a completely responsible thing to do as a parent.
That was how my parents were able to keep it secret for so long.
I apologize for that oversight in my OP.
Yea, I was thinking some general health questions. Heart attacks, diabetes, craziness, etc. Just so I know what I have a genetic predisposition to.
I already have. I can't stay mad at her no matter how hard I try. I just let her know that I understood that she had the noblest of intentions, but I should have been the one to make that decision, and that I just don't know what to say or do when it comes to my mystery dad.
Well that changes things then, since you weren't really adopted, since you still had your mom. If your stepdad hadn't of adopted you he would have no legal bearing over you.
Just take it slow. My stepdad reconnected with his dad (tl;dr, my stepdad's mom is the fucking devil), started with a long distance call, he eventually came to visit once but they just mostly talk on the phone still.
Basically, I think your wife made a huge mistake by talking to his wife. It should have been kept between you and your father until you two decided how best to break the news. However, hindsight is 20/20. While I sympathize with your situation, also keep in mind that 25 years have gone by and lives went on. He may have a family now that he doesn't want to disrupt. Just keep that in mind, that it may not necessarily be anything against you, now a grown man who he has never met. At this point it sounds like damage control is what's going to be needed.
I found out I have a biological brother at nineteen and met my birth father at 21. I was lucky in that he was a lot like me, so we mostly filled up the time with legal discourse, Herodotus vs. Thucydides and comparisons of the quality of pickup lines. As others have said, a medical history is great to have. Also, just be open and honest about who you are, if only to satisfy his curiosity, but try and get that from him first. Be aware, this is hard for him too, but it is harder for you, so you should have your needs taken care of more. I have to say, be ready to be disappointed. At some level, we all like the fantasy that our birth father is Jor-El; fact is, he isn't and you may share some of his failings. Conversely, you may not and you can see yourself as a true improvement, which can be satisfying.
Yes, those are very pragmatic but potentially crucial things to ask him.
Besides that, I guess the question is what do you want to get out of meeting him? Do you have burning issues to resolve or is it just curiosity or a general desire just to know who your biological farther is?
Edit: BTW just wanted to say thank you all for posting.
I'm sure there could be some resentment there, but maybe it was for the best in the long run.
Well, he called today. My wife was the one who talked to him, since I was at work. He basically said that he didn't have the courage to call me the other nights and finally summoned the fortitude to call me. My wife said she had an hour long conversation with him about me and what I do and he is excited to meet me. He said that he will be in the area next Sunday so that will give me a little time to prepare I guess. I'm still nervous as hell though.
As an adopted child, I wish you the best.