Oh yeah girl problems

altuser500

This is an alt.

I am pretty sure my girlfriend is cheating on me. A month ago when I was talkin to her on a voice chat client she got a call from someone else. She left the room and told me she would be right back. Well apparently she didn't leave quite far enough as I heard most of the conversation on accident. Well I ignored that little thing but fast forward to a couple nights ago. She asked me to fix her computer so when I got on a noticed a chat window that was up. Without even clicking on it I could see her sayin some lovie things to some guy and askin him to open webcam. This popped up a red flag.

Then I noticed semi nude photos right there in her documents. Right then the thoughts were pretty obvious in my head. The last months she would always secretly talk on her phone, and get really defensive over her computer Ims when they were up. And this is when I did the really bad thing. I checked her Im history. Needless to say, these were pretty explicit about the fact what she is/wants to be doing. The other guy is even aware of it. Despite all the signs, I honest to god didn't think it would be true.

So yeah, I feel really really bad about the invasion of privacy thing. Its just, I don't know what I should do. I have been trying to carry on like normal but I'm really shaken up and feel like Im about to vomit.

cloudeagle

Invasion of privacy? You overheard a conversation, and you looked at a chat window that was already open. You didn't invade anything.

It could be that she did these things on purpose to give you the hint something was going on, since in this situation she'd be too chicken to say anything. Or it could be that this was done purely by accident.

Either way, you found out through no fault of your own that she's likely cheating. You're going to have to talk with her on this, since there's no way you can continue on like normal anymore until this is resolved.

Lerage

How long have you been together? I'm assuming that you don't live together?

It seems fairly definite, but maybe she doesn't know the guy - perhaps they're just swapping pics for thrills (though this is hardly much better, but still, at least it's hopeful).

Though I guess my personal gut feeling would be to get rid of her, you could try asking her but she'd probably deny it. You just need to cut her off completely, if that's what you decide to do, I know it's hard but it's easier in the long run just to delete/block her from everything.

PeregrineFalcon

In your situation, I wouldn't feel bad about "invading her privacy" - if you'd just been doing it since day one of the relationship from paranoia sure, feel bad.

But you overheard her having a "discussion" with another guy, saw the IM window and a request for webcamming, and then the semi-nude pictures she'd been taking; and unless you took them or she sent them to you, big red flag as you said.

altuser500

First off thanks guys.

The guy is supposedly just one of her friends, and she has known him for a year. We have been dating for a couple years now and yeah we do have an apartment together with 3 other people (5 total people) and we both have our own rooms since they are kinda small. So that complicates things a lot.

I talked to her about it just now. About the IMs and pics. She said she would never do something like that again and seems really sincere about the whole thing but I just don't know if I can trust her anymore. She said she hasn't done anything with him in life but those IMs seemed to say otherwise. Shes really broken up over it now and its really starting to make me feel bad now.

Hypatia

altuser500 wrote: »

I talked to her about just now. About the Ims and pics. She said she would never do something like that again and seems really sincere about the whole thing but I just don't know if I can trust her anymore. She said she hasn't done anything IRL but man, those IMs seemed to say otherwise.

This is just a suggestion, but find out why she was doing it in the first place or it'll happen again. If you want to stick with her then ask her to sit down to talk with you to hash out what she feels like she was getting from it that you weren't giving her. Once you've hammered that out then you can work on it so she won't feel like she has to do it again. If you just leave it at her promising not to do you won't have fixed the problem.

altuser500

That seems like some pretty solid advice.

Crashtard

altuser500 wrote: »

I talked to her about it just now. About the IMs and pics. She said she would never do something like that again and seems really sincere about the whole thing but I just don't know if I can trust her anymore. She said she hasn't done anything with him in life but those IMs seemed to say otherwise. Shes really broken up over it now and its really starting to make me feel bad now.

All I can really say is do NOT feel bad about her feeling sorry. She SHOULD feel sorry. Whether or not she did things in real life, she's having explicit conversations and sending him semi nudes pictures. You did nothing wrong, and at this point she's given you little reason to trust her. Trust is earned, and she cashed out what she had earned to this point. I'm not saying you should spy on her 24/7, but cheaters cheat. Some people change, but the majority don't.

AlyceInWonderland

It sounds like you're being really goddamn nice about her sending nude photos to some dude, and saying very explicit things to him. You need to ask why she did that in the first place. Whether she did anything with him in person or not, it was still wrong.

Kyougu

The fact that it was with a friend that she's known for a year would worry me the most truth be told.

Seeks

Hypatia wrote: »

altuser500 wrote: »

I talked to her about just now. About the Ims and pics. She said she would never do something like that again and seems really sincere about the whole thing but I just don't know if I can trust her anymore. She said she hasn't done anything IRL but man, those IMs seemed to say otherwise.

This is just a suggestion, but find out why she was doing it in the first place or it'll happen again. If you want to stick with her then ask her to sit down to talk with you to hash out what she feels like she was getting from it that you weren't giving her. Once you've hammered that out then you can work on it so she won't feel like she has to do it again. If you just leave it at her promising not to do you won't have fixed the problem.

If someone's cheating, it's not their current bf/gf/whatever's fault. It's their own. All this "Boo-hoo you drove me into the arms of another man/woman" shit needs to stop. It's the biggest crock of shit copout to have ever been conceived.

If she wasn't a piece of shit and just felt like you weren't "giving her enough," she'd break up instead of cheating on you.

I hate to say this OP, but I think you've got a serious problem on your hands here. I can't recall a single time where one of my "hunches" about infidelity has ever been wrong.

...but, whatever. If you think you can trust her, give it a shot. I wouldn't, and have ended relationships over less, but then I'm the jealous type.

Unknown

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Fallingman

Look - rather than (quite understandably) being a robot about it - keep talking it through. She needs to understand that there is a major trust issue here and convince you that a) she didnt do anything, and b) you can trust her.

If you really want to address the issue - you might need a long, uncomfortable discussion on what she DID do and why.

Then you may want to get some space if you can.

Rye

You should probably sit down and decide what it would take for you to believe her. Would it be corroborating stories/ evidence? Would it be a promise of some sort? Think about what it would take to trust her again.

If the answer to the above question is "nothing", then you should call it quits.

Even if you can believe her, you have to ask yourself if you really think it's okay. Don't lie to yourself; this isn't something you can make her feel shitty about any time you want if you decide to forgive her. If you want to move on, you're going to have to forgive her for it.

Not everyone can or should forgive someone who cheats on them. It's up to you to decide if you want to forgive her. Decide one way or another and MEAN IT. It's not about her, it's about what you think is right. She gave up her say in the matter when she verbally cheated on you.

GungHo

Rye wrote: »

You should probably sit down and decide what it would take for you to believe her. Would it be corroborating stories/ evidence? Would it be a promise of some sort? Think about what it would take to trust her again.

If the answer to the above question is "nothing", then you should call it quits.

Even if you can believe her, you have to ask yourself if you really think it's okay. Don't lie to yourself; this isn't something you can make her feel shitty about any time you want if you decide to forgive her. If you want to move on, you're going to have to forgive her for it.

Not everyone can or should forgive someone who cheats on them. It's up to you to decide if you want to forgive her. Decide one way or another and MEAN IT. It's not about her, it's about what you think is right. She gave up her say in the matter when she verbally cheated on you.

Limed for "what I was gonna say".

Note, I'm not saying you should dump her or keep her. I am saying/agreeing that you're going to have to make a decision and stand by it, and not lord it over her if you decide that you're willing to give her another chance.

Dark_Side

Seems pretty clear to me, but then again I figure plenty of fish in the sea, not worth all the trouble, so I would just dump her. Ultimately you have to decide what's best for you and come to that decision in as honest a way as possible. You've already lost significant power in the relationship by letting her talk her way out of it, the real question is if you can ever trust her again. What happens the next time she quickly hides an IM when you come into the room? What happens when you see an odd number or text on her cell phone?

altuser500

Every time I try to think about it my mind just runs around in circles. I think I just need a little bit to clear my head.

k1DBLITZ

Quoted for great justice:

seeks wrote:

Now all that's left is to man up and dump her.

Oh, and by the way, she totally fucked that guy (if you need any help with the above, just visualize that). If you're sexually active, get checked for STDs.

You can do better. Move on.

And while the living arrangement does complicate things, but oh well. You don't stay with somebody who's fucking around on you out of convenience, unless you find herpes to be convenient. Call her on her shit, make it clear your ass isn't moving, and more than likely she'll get the hint and move out.

mcdermott wrote:

If someone's cheating, it's not their current bf/gf/whatever's fault. It's their own. All this "Boo-hoo you drove me into the arms of another man/woman" shit needs to stop. It's the biggest crock of shit copout to have ever been conceived.

If she wasn't a piece of shit and just felt like you weren't "giving her enough," she'd break up instead of cheating on you.

I hate to say this OP, but I think you've got a serious problem on your hands here. I can't recall a single time where one of my "hunches" about infidelity has ever been wrong.

MrIamMe wrote:

All my experiences with girls cheating leads to them doing it again.

Once the respect has gone its very hard (usually impossible) for it to be rebuilt.

dynagrip wrote:

I've been in a similar situation. you'll feel like a complete idiot if you stick with her and inevitably find out that she didn't only cheat via the internets but fucked the hell out of that guy.

With that being said, what you did was not an invasion of privacy. You had probable cause.... It works for the law, why not you?

Mark my words, this girl will cheat again. You may catch her in 2 weeks, it may take 2 years... but it will happen again. DO NOT LET HER MAKE YOU FEEL SORRY FOR HER! Get rid of this girl NOW.

The behavior she is displaying is that of a typical cheater. Cheaters are of a certain breed and all tend to exhibit behaviors of the cheater mold.

Dynagrip

I've been in a similar situation. you'll feel like a complete idiot if you stick with her and inevitably find out that she didn't only cheat via the internets but fucked the hell out of that guy.

MrIamMe

All my experiences with girls cheating leads to them doing it again.

Once the respect has gone its very hard (usually impossible) for it to be rebuilt.

Unknown

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Crashtard

mcdermott wrote: »

Just don't expect any of us to be surprised when you come back here in six months because you caught her cheating again, or when you don't catch her but wind up with a case of herpatitis.

GungHo

mcdermott wrote: »

Just don't expect any of us to be surprised when you come back here in six months because you caught her cheating again, or when you don't catch her but wind up with a case of herpatitis.

Hell, you ain't no man if you let yourself get taken down by heepotitties. Just throw some hydrogen peroxide on it and you'll be ok next day.

Fantasma

Instead of so much talking and asking questions, take some actions and do the following:

1. Start using condoms
2. Get tested for STDs
3. Do not stop using condoms

You will be fine.