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Semen, armpits, and the mixing thereof

Winston ChurchillWinston Churchill __BANNED USERS regular
edited October 2008 in Social Entropy++
So me and my wife are having make-up sex this morning, when I realized that we're out of goddamn Trojan Magnums. This wouldn't be a problem if I were with any other woman, but my wife and I are fertile as all hell. Even with her on the pill, I know my boys would tunnel into her fallopian tubes like Vietcong, all waiting to ambush the unsuspecting capitalist pig of an egg.

Being a tried and true gentleman, I pull out with as much grace as can be had in that situation, and explain to my wife that I can't continue pounding her with my man-hammer. I would be more than happy to manually manipulate her in ways that would make a combat boot wearing, man hating lesbian cross her arms over her flat and lifeless chest and nod in approval, and I told her so.

Sidenote:
You know how your buddies ask you how a date went, and you wave your fingers under their nose? According to the Lesbian Mafia, that is incorrect. If you are "doing it right", your buddies should be smelling your chin. FYI.

I accomplish the above deed in a timely and quite skilled manner. Double time, actually, if you get my drift. She came twice. After she relaxed enough to get her circulation back, she reached over and proceeded to repay the deed. Now I've always considered myself to be a Master of My Domain. I've had years of giving myself handjobs, and no amount of practicing by a mere woman will bring here near the level of expertise that I have come to expect from myself. Having never lived near an armed forces base, nor been inspired by Pretty Woman at an early age, my wife should never have acquired the skills that she has with my dong.
She says it's because she's creative.

I say it's because she has really tiny hands.

Anyways, I'm getting close to blowing a week's worth of stored semen all over the place when she realizes that we'd forgotten a towel. I prefer one of her shirts, but that's only when the lights are off and she can't tell what I'm soaking up my man-batter with. While she loves to jerk the cock, she hates cum. She turned her head away, and tilted my johnson ever so slightly to the side, like she'd just been looking down a water hose when someone turned it on. This accidental deviation of trajectory was enough to land three sticky ropes right the fuck in my left armpit.

We both laughed it off, and I honestly thought at the time that I had no room to bitch about where my semen went, as long as it was out, and not on and/or in my face and/or ass. I cleaned myself up as much as I could before God-given blissful slumber passed over us both, but not quite as well as I later wished I had.

When my wife woke me up two hours later to make her "Some goddamn pancakes", I instinctively stretched both my arms over my head. My wife heard, from across the room, the distinct ripping sound my armpit hairs made as they tried to seperate themselves like a two day old grilled-cheese and hair sandwich. Never in my adult life have I ever experienced such pain as this.

Let this be a lesson to you all: Don't cum in your own armpit. It fucking hurts.

[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC] If you're Jesus and you know it, clap your hands.
Winston Churchill on

Posts

  • Auntie ShibbyAuntie Shibby Horrible Visalia, CARegistered User, ClubPA regular
    edited October 2008
    Man, I'd be jerking off if you left out the last couple of paragraphs.

    Auntie Shibby on
    clowninthewoods.png
  • DruhimDruhim Registered User, ClubPA regular
    edited October 2008
    so you basically used that as an excuse to brag about how great you are at getting your wife off?

    Druhim on
    belruelotterav-1.jpg
  • OrikaeshigitaeOrikaeshigitae Registered User, ClubPA regular
    edited October 2008
    hell yeah bro, that shit was all the way live

    e: to the max

    with a steel-toed boot

    Orikaeshigitae on
  • WeaverWeaver Who are you? What do you want?Registered User regular
    edited October 2008
    this should have gone in the creepy thread

    Weaver on
  • OrikaeshigitaeOrikaeshigitae Registered User, ClubPA regular
    edited October 2008
    hey weaver did you see this thing i drew


    leon.jpg

    Orikaeshigitae on
  • WeaverWeaver Who are you? What do you want?Registered User regular
    edited October 2008
    That's awesome

    Weaver on
  • Garlic BreadGarlic Bread i'm a bitch i'm a bitch i'm a bitch i'm a Registered User, Disagreeable regular
    edited October 2008
    Druhim wrote: »
    so you basically used that as an excuse to brag about how great you are at getting your wife off?

    also about how he needs Magnums

    Garlic Bread on
  • Bloods EndBloods End Blade of Tyshalle Punch dimensionRegistered User regular
    edited October 2008
    I once saw a robot.

    He went "Toot Toot" and murdered and old lady.

    Bloods End on
  • Winston ChurchillWinston Churchill __BANNED USERS regular
    edited October 2008
    Druhim wrote: »
    so you basically used that as an excuse to brag about how great you are at getting your wife off?

    Oh no, any and every man should be able to do that. This is merely a warning to anyone who thinks, "Hey, two wipes with the towel should be enough." It's like taking a Taco Bell dookie. Wipe that shit twice as much as you think is necessary, just to be sure.

    Winston Churchill on
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC] If you're Jesus and you know it, clap your hands.
  • AirAir Registered User regular
    edited October 2008
    go ask chacha whatever it is you say

    Air on
    darjeelingshortsig95.jpg
  • IskanderIskander Registered User regular
    edited October 2008
    shave your armpits, hippie

    Iskander on
  • bongibongi regular
    edited October 2008
    Thus proving that the most dangerous animal of them all is...

    The Zookeeper!

    bongi on
  • Auntie ShibbyAuntie Shibby Horrible Visalia, CARegistered User, ClubPA regular
    edited October 2008
    My first girlfriend and I were having sex one time. I pulled out to jizz all over her like I normally would, she enjoyed me doing so. Afterwards we went to go rent a movie, when all of a sudden she gets this horrified look on her face, lifts up her shirt and sticks a finger in her bellybutton.

    Somehow she missed a pool of semen when she was wiping herself down.

    Auntie Shibby on
    clowninthewoods.png
  • Winston ChurchillWinston Churchill __BANNED USERS regular
    edited October 2008
    Keith wrote: »
    Druhim wrote: »
    so you basically used that as an excuse to brag about how great you are at getting your wife off?

    also about how he needs Magnums

    I don't need Magnums...

    Winston Churchill on
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC] If you're Jesus and you know it, clap your hands.
  • World as MythWorld as Myth a breezy way to annoy serious people Registered User regular
    edited October 2008
    hell yeah bro, that shit was all the way live

    e: to the max

    with a steel-toed boot
    ahahaha all the way live

    World as Myth on
    kQwcZLJ.png
  • DruhimDruhim Registered User, ClubPA regular
    edited October 2008
    Keith wrote: »
    Druhim wrote: »
    so you basically used that as an excuse to brag about how great you are at getting your wife off?

    also about how he needs Magnums

    I don't need Magnums...

    yet you saw fit to mention them in the first sentence

    Druhim on
    belruelotterav-1.jpg
  • MeissnerdMeissnerd Registered User regular
    edited October 2008
    Keith wrote: »
    Druhim wrote: »
    so you basically used that as an excuse to brag about how great you are at getting your wife off?

    also about how he needs Magnums

    I don't need Magnums...

    well la dee da

    Meissnerd on
  • Winston ChurchillWinston Churchill __BANNED USERS regular
    edited October 2008
    Druhim wrote: »
    Keith wrote: »
    Druhim wrote: »
    so you basically used that as an excuse to brag about how great you are at getting your wife off?

    also about how he needs Magnums

    I don't need Magnums...

    yet you saw fit to mention them in the first sentence

    Everyone should mention Trojan Magnums in the first sentence.

    Winston Churchill on
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC] If you're Jesus and you know it, clap your hands.
  • bongibongi regular
    edited October 2008
    so i was finishing up banging my ninth supermodel of the night, having torn my twelfth magnum xxl industrial strength condom from the shudders of her sixteenth orgasm when

    bongi on
  • Auntie ShibbyAuntie Shibby Horrible Visalia, CARegistered User, ClubPA regular
    edited October 2008
    bongi wrote: »
    so i was finishing up banging my ninth supermodel of the night, having torn my twelfth magnum xxl industrial strength condom from the shudders of her sixteenth orgasm when her twin sister walked in dejected wondering when it was going to be her turn

    Auntie Shibby on
    clowninthewoods.png
  • HunterHunter Chemist with a heart of Au Registered User regular
    edited October 2008
    That's funny, your wife has no qualms about catching a load from me right in the face. Go figure.

    Hunter on
  • MeissnerdMeissnerd Registered User regular
    edited October 2008
    bongi wrote: »
    so i was finishing up banging my ninth supermodel of the night, having torn my twelfth magnum xxl industrial strength condom from the shudders of her sixteenth orgasm when

    sophia loren called an

    Meissnerd on
  • DruhimDruhim Registered User, ClubPA regular
    edited October 2008
    winston just face up to the fact that you rolled a critical failure on your "impress the internet" skill

    Druhim on
    belruelotterav-1.jpg
  • OrikaeshigitaeOrikaeshigitae Registered User, ClubPA regular
    edited October 2008
    oh i thought i locked this already

    Orikaeshigitae on
This discussion has been closed.