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Semen, armpits, and the mixing thereof
Winston Churchill
__BANNED USERS regular
__BANNED USERS regular
So me and my wife are having make-up sex this morning, when I realized that we're out of goddamn Trojan Magnums. This wouldn't be a problem if I were with any other woman, but my wife and I are fertile as all hell. Even with her on the pill, I know my boys would tunnel into her fallopian tubes like Vietcong, all waiting to ambush the unsuspecting capitalist pig of an egg.
Being a tried and true gentleman, I pull out with as much grace as can be had in that situation, and explain to my wife that I can't continue pounding her with my man-hammer. I would be more than happy to manually manipulate her in ways that would make a combat boot wearing, man hating lesbian cross her arms over her flat and lifeless chest and nod in approval, and I told her so.
Sidenote:
I accomplish the above deed in a timely and quite skilled manner. Double time, actually, if you get my drift. She came twice. After she relaxed enough to get her circulation back, she reached over and proceeded to repay the deed. Now I've always considered myself to be a Master of My Domain. I've had years of giving myself handjobs, and no amount of practicing by a mere woman will bring here near the level of expertise that I have come to expect from myself. Having never lived near an armed forces base, nor been inspired by Pretty Woman at an early age, my wife should never have acquired the skills that she has with my dong.
She says it's because she's creative.
I say it's because she has really tiny hands.
Anyways, I'm getting close to blowing a week's worth of stored semen all over the place when she realizes that we'd forgotten a towel. I prefer one of her shirts, but that's only when the lights are off and she can't tell what I'm soaking up my man-batter with. While she loves to jerk the cock, she hates cum. She turned her head away, and tilted my johnson ever so slightly to the side, like she'd just been looking down a water hose when someone turned it on. This accidental deviation of trajectory was enough to land three sticky ropes right the fuck in my left armpit.
We both laughed it off, and I honestly thought at the time that I had no room to bitch about where my semen went, as long as it was out, and not on and/or in my face and/or ass. I cleaned myself up as much as I could before God-given blissful slumber passed over us both, but not quite as well as I later wished I had.
When my wife woke me up two hours later to make her "Some goddamn pancakes", I instinctively stretched both my arms over my head. My wife heard, from across the room, the distinct ripping sound my armpit hairs made as they tried to seperate themselves like a two day old grilled-cheese and hair sandwich. Never in my adult life have I ever experienced such pain as this.
Let this be a lesson to you all: Don't cum in your own armpit. It fucking hurts.
Being a tried and true gentleman, I pull out with as much grace as can be had in that situation, and explain to my wife that I can't continue pounding her with my man-hammer. I would be more than happy to manually manipulate her in ways that would make a combat boot wearing, man hating lesbian cross her arms over her flat and lifeless chest and nod in approval, and I told her so.
Sidenote:
You know how your buddies ask you how a date went, and you wave your fingers under their nose? According to the Lesbian Mafia, that is incorrect. If you are "doing it right", your buddies should be smelling your chin. FYI.
I accomplish the above deed in a timely and quite skilled manner. Double time, actually, if you get my drift. She came twice. After she relaxed enough to get her circulation back, she reached over and proceeded to repay the deed. Now I've always considered myself to be a Master of My Domain. I've had years of giving myself handjobs, and no amount of practicing by a mere woman will bring here near the level of expertise that I have come to expect from myself. Having never lived near an armed forces base, nor been inspired by Pretty Woman at an early age, my wife should never have acquired the skills that she has with my dong.
She says it's because she's creative.
I say it's because she has really tiny hands.
Anyways, I'm getting close to blowing a week's worth of stored semen all over the place when she realizes that we'd forgotten a towel. I prefer one of her shirts, but that's only when the lights are off and she can't tell what I'm soaking up my man-batter with. While she loves to jerk the cock, she hates cum. She turned her head away, and tilted my johnson ever so slightly to the side, like she'd just been looking down a water hose when someone turned it on. This accidental deviation of trajectory was enough to land three sticky ropes right the fuck in my left armpit.
We both laughed it off, and I honestly thought at the time that I had no room to bitch about where my semen went, as long as it was out, and not on and/or in my face and/or ass. I cleaned myself up as much as I could before God-given blissful slumber passed over us both, but not quite as well as I later wished I had.
When my wife woke me up two hours later to make her "Some goddamn pancakes", I instinctively stretched both my arms over my head. My wife heard, from across the room, the distinct ripping sound my armpit hairs made as they tried to seperate themselves like a two day old grilled-cheese and hair sandwich. Never in my adult life have I ever experienced such pain as this.
Let this be a lesson to you all: Don't cum in your own armpit. It fucking hurts.
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC] If you're Jesus and you know it, clap your hands.
Winston Churchill on
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This discussion has been closed.
Posts
e: to the max
with a steel-toed boot
also about how he needs Magnums
He went "Toot Toot" and murdered and old lady.
Oh no, any and every man should be able to do that. This is merely a warning to anyone who thinks, "Hey, two wipes with the towel should be enough." It's like taking a Taco Bell dookie. Wipe that shit twice as much as you think is necessary, just to be sure.
The Zookeeper!
Somehow she missed a pool of semen when she was wiping herself down.
I don't need Magnums...
yet you saw fit to mention them in the first sentence
well la dee da
Everyone should mention Trojan Magnums in the first sentence.
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