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My first (long) girl thread [Update]
Walter
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
I have known this girl for about five years and we have always gotten along great. Shes one of maybe four people that I consider to be close friends, someone I really love as a friend. She is a sweet girl while I am a wild child. She knows I've been with a lot of girls (a couple of her friends and one of them was her best friend but that was years ago).
Long story short, we both got drunk and slept together one night. I was her first, I know this because I have known her so well for so long. We talked briefly and she said she just wanted it to be with someone she trusted. We continued to hook up for about a week and a half. Then she went back to her university. We hooked up again a couple weeks later when she was back in town and I took her on a nice date.
I went up to visit her not too long ago and stayed at her place in her bed. The weird thing was, I went to kiss her and she turned away from me. I took this as a sign that she wasn't interested and went to bed. We are still friends and its like none of this ever happened. In fact, that is kind of how the whole relationship was...we would act like nothing ever happened during the day but then we would get drunk and be all over each other.
At first I thought she was just looking for fun and she got tired of it, or something changed her mind. I know she was always a little insecure about us because she perceives me as out of her league (came out while drunk). However, I was deleting texts on my phone and started to read some of the ones I got from her at the time. A lot of them were along the vein of "Matt was asking about us, I didn't know what to tell him." and "John was wondering what is up between us". I realized then why she sent those...she wanted me to tell her what my intentions were but she was scared to ask. At least, this is how I see it now. I believe this is why she wouldn't do anything last time we were together. Problem is we NEVER even approached the subject of "us". It was either being friends or drunk and hooking up. I kind of left it up to her to bring up. That's what I get for being a stupid guy.
I feel awful that I was so obtuse and I hope I didn't ruin anything. I would be lucky to date this girl, I've thought about what it might do to our friendship and I'm willing to take the risk. She and I still talk often, and I was thinking of calling her up and saying something along the lines of this:
"I hope its not too late but I want you to know that I have romantic feelings for you. I think we have a great friendship and I don't want to risk that but I would hate to miss out on what you and I could be. I think we moved too fast, going from friends to sleeping together and I would like to start over and move slow. How do you feel?"
The only reason not to do it face to face is that I won't see her again until around Christmas when she moves back. I would be willing to wait, I am not in any crises, but I would hate for her to find someone else in the two months it takes. Any advice on how to handle this?
tl;dr Do I call a friend I have hooked up with several times and tell her I would like more or do I wait two months to do it face to face.
Long story short, we both got drunk and slept together one night. I was her first, I know this because I have known her so well for so long. We talked briefly and she said she just wanted it to be with someone she trusted. We continued to hook up for about a week and a half. Then she went back to her university. We hooked up again a couple weeks later when she was back in town and I took her on a nice date.
I went up to visit her not too long ago and stayed at her place in her bed. The weird thing was, I went to kiss her and she turned away from me. I took this as a sign that she wasn't interested and went to bed. We are still friends and its like none of this ever happened. In fact, that is kind of how the whole relationship was...we would act like nothing ever happened during the day but then we would get drunk and be all over each other.
At first I thought she was just looking for fun and she got tired of it, or something changed her mind. I know she was always a little insecure about us because she perceives me as out of her league (came out while drunk). However, I was deleting texts on my phone and started to read some of the ones I got from her at the time. A lot of them were along the vein of "Matt was asking about us, I didn't know what to tell him." and "John was wondering what is up between us". I realized then why she sent those...she wanted me to tell her what my intentions were but she was scared to ask. At least, this is how I see it now. I believe this is why she wouldn't do anything last time we were together. Problem is we NEVER even approached the subject of "us". It was either being friends or drunk and hooking up. I kind of left it up to her to bring up. That's what I get for being a stupid guy.
I feel awful that I was so obtuse and I hope I didn't ruin anything. I would be lucky to date this girl, I've thought about what it might do to our friendship and I'm willing to take the risk. She and I still talk often, and I was thinking of calling her up and saying something along the lines of this:
"I hope its not too late but I want you to know that I have romantic feelings for you. I think we have a great friendship and I don't want to risk that but I would hate to miss out on what you and I could be. I think we moved too fast, going from friends to sleeping together and I would like to start over and move slow. How do you feel?"
The only reason not to do it face to face is that I won't see her again until around Christmas when she moves back. I would be willing to wait, I am not in any crises, but I would hate for her to find someone else in the two months it takes. Any advice on how to handle this?
tl;dr Do I call a friend I have hooked up with several times and tell her I would like more or do I wait two months to do it face to face.
Walter on
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Posts
A couple of examples:
During my first year of Uni I made friends with a girl, we hung out, then we made out at the bar. Shortly thereafter she started pulling away without explanation and was pretending nothing happened - back to friend zone. Two months roll by and I've started to play the field a bit when she comes up to me the last day of the fall semester and tells me she has feelings for me, but was scared because of being cheated on the summer before school started. I was within inches of officially dating someone else, and the timing was as late as it could possibly have been to rekindle something. I evaluated my options, and started dating the flip-flopper. We were together for 1 1/2 years.
This past summer a long time friend of mine who is out of the country for graduate school calls me on the phone. She's recently been in a breakup, and to cope started piecing a list together of what she wants in an ideal mate. Completes said list, and said the realization hit her like a truck, and that I was what she wanted. Just so happened I had done the exact same thing a few months prior, but wasn't sure if i wanted to jeopardize an 8 year friendship. Long story short, and a 90$ long distance bill later, we both know where we stand and will be dating when she returns home in December. We chose to remain "single" in the sense that if we want to hook up with someone, we can (and have), but emotionally I'm tied to her. I've waited 6 months thus far, with another 1 and a bit to go - I really can't wait until December. If she hadn't been brave and got on the phone I can say with near 100% certainty that I would not be available by the time she comes back.
Good luck.
Do call her right now. (Well, not literally right now, but as soon as she's awake and available to talk.) Just don't make it a big deal: you're suggesting the two of you try a couple of romantic dates instead of drunken hookups, not asking for her hand in marriage.
Even if by some bizarre turn of fate it turns out she's not interested (I doubt it, sounds very much as if she wants something solid, and to not get too involved in something that isn't) you've got a very good shot at still keeping your friendship. So, not much to lose, and everything to gain. I'd get on this yesterday, as someone mentioned before.
you're the only one that knows the answer to that question, but really, why does it matter if you screwed up or not back then if you're trying to set things straight now?
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of doom
I called her and it went very well. She said she liked me too and that we definitely needed to slow down and start over. When she gets back in town we're going to try dating and take it from there. I'm excited about it and super glad I sacked up and called. Thanks to everyone, all of your advice was positive and I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have called without it.