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Another girl thread

Beep I'm a RobotBeep I'm a Robot Registered User new member
edited October 2008 in Help / Advice Forum
Alt'd for privacy reasons. I've read H&A a bunch in the past and you guys usually have awesome insight into stuff and I need some help. Hooray for another variation on the girl thread.

So I started college about two months ago. After a few weeks, I met this girl, let's call her Jane because that isn't her name. I started hanging out with a group of people the first week or so and her roommate was in that group (we all live in student housing). One night a bunch of us came to my room to watch a movie and after it was over, everyone left except for Jane and her roommate. They wanted to sleep on my roommate's bed, not really sure why, but I figured he wouldn't mind. Jane ended up being restless and wanted to watch another movie, so we left the roommate sleeping and went to another room and watched Dr Horrible (which is awesome by the way). She ended up laying down on my lap and I was like "awesome." Eventually she went to sleep in the same bed as her roommate, and nothing else happened that night. The next day I was in her room and we ended up making out, and I was like "awesome."

However, that was the last time we kissed or did anything sexual. We've been hanging out a lot, cuddling, watching movies together, and falling asleep in the same bed a few times. It didn't progress any further than that, and I was starting to get the feeling something was going on. Now, we weren't going out or anything, and I figured we were just friends-ish. Eventually I she told me that she was sort of doing the same thing with other people, so I took it to mean that she was just very affectionate and this is how she did her friendships. Ideally I wanted to go out with her, but I was enjoying it so we just kept going the way we were going.

After about a week, I realized that I was starting to think of her as my girlfriend anyway. I wasn't going around telling people "hey MY GIRLFRIEND," but it was sort of just the way I was treating her. I knew this was unfair to both her and me, so I told her how I felt and said that we should just be friends without the physical contact. Now, this didn't make me happy, but I thought it was healthier overall.

A few days ago we were talking and I found out she actually had a boyfriend. Oh shit. Apparently, during those first two days she was basically broken up with her boyfriend, so she was in the clear for meeting new people, and met me. But, she since started to get back together with him, and that's why nothing further progressed between us. Apparently she really like both of us, and does harbor feelings towards me, and she feels awful about it. The last two times I saw her she ended up crying because she doesn't know what to do.

So I don't know what to do. I really like her a lot and I've talked with her about it, and she feels really conflicted and doesn't know how to "choose," basically. I told her that I really like her and it would make me really happy to go out with her, but I don't want to pressure her into leaving her boyfriend if she doesn't really want to. I told her that no matter what she does, I won't resent her for it and I can still be her friend. I really think I should have been more up front with her from the beginning, and that probably would have headed off these issues. I said she should probably try talking to some of her closer friends about it, and maybe even mention it to her boyfriend, not like "I've been sleeping in the same bed as this dude," but more "while we were broken up I started developing these feelings for this guy," but I'm not really sure if that's such a great idea. Another thing I thought of was that maybe we shouldn't see each other for a while and give her a chance to sort out her feelings. Basically I'd like some outside input, I don't really have anyone to talk to here and I don't want to do or tell her to do anything stupid. We go to a pretty small school, so we'll see each other a lot in the next few years regardless of what happens; I'd like to be on amicable terms, worst case.

Thanks a bunch for reading this, I appreciate it.

Beep I'm a Robot on

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    rfaliasrfalias Registered User regular
    edited October 2008
    I'd just continue on the friendship path and wait to see what happens with her current guy.
    I'm not one to break up relationships for personal gain, but that's just me.

    Don't promote her to telling her boyfriend anything that happened between you two while she was separated for those few days, no good will come from it except maybe a relieved conscience.

    Just stay the course, have a good time. Clearly she trusts you so just be there for her and since she knows you have feelings and they are mutual, when/if the time comes you can swoop in.

    My 2.

    rfalias on
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    i n c u b u si n c u b u s Registered User regular
    edited October 2008
    Yea I'm def not one to condone the stealing or advancing on any girl who already has a man even though I have been on both sides of the spectrum. You need to give her all the space she needs and not pressure her an ounce to do anything at all (including tell her bf about what happened with you guys). She needs to figure out for herself whats going on with her bf and you really have no business in that. Stay friends, don't advance in any way or even bring it up unless she does, and just be there for her if they do break up one day. I know there are guys out there that will suggest the old "be her shoulder to cry on so that you two grow closer in the process," move to try and start something with this girl but really thats ultimately pretty shady. You can def be her friend just like always and even hang with her, theres nothing wrong with that right? Pretty much have patience man and if an opportunity arises where they break up for good then by all means make the moves.

    Just tryin to put both your situation and her bf's in view because seriously how would you feel right?

    i n c u b u s on
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    RyeRye Registered User regular
    edited October 2008
    College is full of experimentation (no, I'm not talking about lesbian escapades). People try to figure other people out and relate on closer levels. Having a relationship early in your college career is very dangerous because it can stunt your social interactions. You'll spend a lot of time with that special girl, but you won't go out and meet a whole lot of people they way you would if you were single. I won't say don't every pursue romantic interests, but i will say do it cautiously.

    I'm about to graduate after 5 years of college, and my advice to someone going INTO college is to collect as many GOOD close friends that you can. You don't need romantic interests as much as you need people to just be close to and rely on. If you need a romance and feel empty without it, don't fish in the pool you live in. Go out to off campus bars or off campus activities.

    What should you do with this particular girl? Keep with the close friends route. She has to be able to budget her time with that boyfriend between school, (work,) boyfriend, and friends. You don't want her to choose you over him just because it's convenient. She needs to choose you for your individual merits as a human. If she breaks up with the boyfriend, you can choose to try to advance things with her, but not until she has burnt that bridge. Otherwise, she'll do what she did to you before - go back to her old boyfriend.

    Rye on
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    ceresceres When the last moon is cast over the last star of morning And the future has past without even a last desperate warningRegistered User, Moderator mod
    edited October 2008
    I would leave this alone. Just tell her you want to stay friends. If she breaks up with this guy and is insistent that she wants to go out with you, then fine, but until those planets align I'd honestly just leave it alone.

    Someone once said to me that if you can't choose between two people, chances are you don't really want either of them. It's always stuck with me for these situations.

    ceres on
    And it seems like all is dying, and would leave the world to mourn
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    Beep I'm a RobotBeep I'm a Robot Registered User new member
    edited October 2008
    Yea I'm def not one to condone the stealing or advancing on any girl who already has a man even though I have been on both sides of the spectrum. You need to give her all the space she needs and not pressure her an ounce to do anything at all (including tell her bf about what happened with you guys). She needs to figure out for herself whats going on with her bf and you really have no business in that. Stay friends, don't advance in any way or even bring it up unless she does, and just be there for her if they do break up one day. I know there are guys out there that will suggest the old "be her shoulder to cry on so that you two grow closer in the process," move to try and start something with this girl but really thats ultimately pretty shady. You can def be her friend just like always and even hang with her, theres nothing wrong with that right? Pretty much have patience man and if an opportunity arises where they break up for good then by all means make the moves.

    Just tryin to put both your situation and her bf's in view because seriously how would you feel right?

    Yeah, this is kind of along what I was thinking. I've been trying to avoid pressuring her into doing anything with me, especially that she already has a boyfriend. Especially what you mentioned at the end, how would I feel, is how I've been trying to approach it.

    So I guess there's some consensus that I should go the "just friends" route, which is kind of what I thought I should do anyway. We've hung out a few times since we talked about this stuff, and she usually ends up pretty upset and emotional after a while. Would it be a good idea to put some distance there, at least for a little bit? Just hanging out with her as friends seems to be really upsetting for her...

    Beep I'm a Robot on
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    Sir CarcassSir Carcass I have been shown the end of my world Round Rock, TXRegistered User regular
    edited October 2008
    ceres wrote: »
    I would leave this alone. Just tell her you want to stay friends. If she breaks up with this guy and is insistent that she wants to go out with you, then fine, but until those planets align I'd honestly just leave it alone.

    Someone once said to me that if you can't choose between two people, chances are you don't really want either of them. It's always stuck with me for these situations.

    Yeah, seconded. I've had a similar experience, and it didn't end well.
    Apparently she really like both of us, and does harbor feelings towards me, and she feels awful about it. The last two times I saw her she ended up crying because she doesn't know what to do.

    This exactly happened, and it was Bitch Code for "I don't want to limit myself to just one person". I'm sure she's a perfectly sweet and genuine person, but I thought the same thing about this person and, as previously mentioned, it did not end well. At all.

    Sir Carcass on
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    i n c u b u si n c u b u s Registered User regular
    edited October 2008
    Honestly it seems like she gets really confused when you guys hang out so she ends up getting upset and you really don't want that. I'd go with some space but keep in contact on facebook or the occasional get together with friends. I might even go as far as to lay off the alone chill time with you and her just until she figures out what she wants and sets things straight with her bf. Space will give her time to think clearly.

    i n c u b u s on
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    i n c u b u si n c u b u s Registered User regular
    edited October 2008
    ceres wrote: »
    I would leave this alone. Just tell her you want to stay friends. If she breaks up with this guy and is insistent that she wants to go out with you, then fine, but until those planets align I'd honestly just leave it alone.

    Someone once said to me that if you can't choose between two people, chances are you don't really want either of them. It's always stuck with me for these situations.

    Yeah, seconded. I've had a similar experience, and it didn't end well.
    Apparently she really like both of us, and does harbor feelings towards me, and she feels awful about it. The last two times I saw her she ended up crying because she doesn't know what to do.

    This exactly happened, and it was Bitch Code for "I don't want to limit myself to just one person". I'm sure she's a perfectly sweet and genuine person, but I thought the same thing about this person and, as previously mentioned, it did not end well. At all.

    Good point, I've seen this exact situation oh so many times with friends of mine. Relationships tear because of the college scene. The girl is just like you, fresh to college and all she wants is to have a great time and meet all kinds of new people. Being tied down isn't necessarily on her priority list and she may even see it as an inconveniance which is pretty much what happens to most people I see in this situation.

    As states in the 2nd post, just have fun man and don't keep yourself tied down for a lil while. Think about it, it's only been two months in college and you've already met this girl. Imagine how many you will meet in the coming months let alone years. You will have plenty of opportunities with people you meet you may not want to hold yourself down with this first you you met right out of the gates. College is fun man enjoy it.

    i n c u b u s on
    Platinum FC: 4941 2152 0041
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    Beep I'm a RobotBeep I'm a Robot Registered User new member
    edited October 2008
    Alright, thanks for the input guys. I'll try to keep it in mind. Everything helps, and thanks again for taking the time out to read it all.

    Beep I'm a Robot on
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    SheepSheep Registered User, __BANNED USERS regular
    edited October 2008
    Leave her alone until she's single. If she'll dump one guy for you, she'll dump you for another.

    Sheep on
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    kaliyamakaliyama Left to find less-moderated fora Registered User regular
    edited October 2008
    yeesh...harshness on the girl. long distance relationships suck. however, it'll be a lot easier to meet people who have thoughtfully already definitively broken up with their boyfriends than deal with this drama.

    kaliyama on
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    rockmonkeyrockmonkey Little RockRegistered User regular
    edited October 2008
    I'll fourth or fifth the friendship route and add that if hanging out together seems to upset her then perhaps you should hang out together in a group setting with friends and don't even pair yourself up with her, don't give her any more attention than your other friends you're hanging out with. A group setting is something that will keep her distracted from worrying about what to do about you but still keep the friendship going. Chances are that if you're a funny and lively guy to hang with in a group then that will keep her interested in you and help her make a decision.

    rockmonkey on
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    VivixenneVivixenne Remember your training, and we'll get through this just fine. Registered User regular
    edited October 2008
    So I don't know what to do. I really like her a lot and I've talked with her about it, and she feels really conflicted and doesn't know how to "choose," basically. I told her that I really like her and it would make me really happy to go out with her, but I don't want to pressure her into leaving her boyfriend if she doesn't really want to. I told her that no matter what she does, I won't resent her for it and I can still be her friend. I really think I should have been more up front with her from the beginning, and that probably would have headed off these issues. I said she should probably try talking to some of her closer friends about it, and maybe even mention it to her boyfriend, not like "I've been sleeping in the same bed as this dude," but more "while we were broken up I started developing these feelings for this guy," but I'm not really sure if that's such a great idea. Another thing I thought of was that maybe we shouldn't see each other for a while and give her a chance to sort out her feelings. Basically I'd like some outside input, I don't really have anyone to talk to here and I don't want to do or tell her to do anything stupid. We go to a pretty small school, so we'll see each other a lot in the next few years regardless of what happens; I'd like to be on amicable terms, worst case.

    If it helps any, your attitude is a lot healthier than most others' would be in a similar situation.

    Stick with the friend thing, but with a provision: do not hold out hope. Move on. Date other girls. Definitely do not hang around hoping for her to breakup with her boyfriend. Do not do it to make her jealous, do it because you want to date people.

    If you happen to be single and she breaks up with her boyfriend for good, then yes, absolutely, take a shot.

    As a warning though, you are in a delicate situation. She could be staying with her boyfriend because it's what's familiar and comfortable and she could still want you as a backup in case the second shot doesn't pan out. This is unfair to you. On top of THAT (and this is just a conjecture as we don't have all the info on the circumstances of their first breakup), if they do break-up a second time, or if their relationships hits those inevitable rocky patches, two things are likely to happen: the boyfriend will blame you, and she will come to you for comfort. Be wary of both these possibilities.

    In addition, she may try to use you against her boyfriend in certain kinds of fights.

    I would keep all interactions with her platonic. Cool off the flirting and the cuddling. If she bitches about that, let her know that you're not out to play second fiddle. That's not about being macho, mind you, it's about telling her she is being unfair to you and there's nothing wrong with being upfront about that.

    As far as her personality goes, yeah, she is indecisive. She owes it to all three people involved to make a call. If she can't make one, walk away. Even if you end up with the chance to date her later, there's no guarantee this little personality trait won't also pop up in YOUR relationship.

    I mean, think on what you know right now. She dumped a boyfriend, made out with a dude in the very brief interim, declined to be upfront with you about having a boyfriend, and is now blaming it all on being indecisive? Yeah. She'll be an awesome friend for sure, but based solely on what you've relayed here, she doesn't seem like she has it all together in the relationship department.

    Vivixenne on
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    TrowizillaTrowizilla Registered User regular
    edited October 2008
    I've been on your side and on the girl's side in this situation, so I'm not going to trash her for being indecisive. She's just gotten into college, so she's probably around 18 and just working on figuring out how to act like an adult. High school relationships are completely different than college ones, after all, and her trying to decide whether she wants to stick with what's probably her high-school boyfriend (and the high-school identity that goes along with it) or reinvent herself for college is understandable.

    However, it's better for both of you if you limit your involvement until she's worked this one out. Be friends, hang out (preferably in a group so she doesn't get all angsty), but that's all. Date other people not as placeholders for this girl, but because college is awesome and dating is super-keen. If she breaks up with him, sorts herself out, and then wants to date you, awesome; if not, you've got a cool friend and lots of other dates.

    Trowizilla on
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    EriosErios Registered User regular
    edited October 2008
    I'm regressing some data at the moment, so I can't give too much info, especially since the girls have covered this one quite well. I will chime in for one brief moment though: do not be that guy. You know what I'm talking about, that guy that gets in the middle of a relationship and almost positively affects the decision-making processes of those within it. Never be that guy, and you will live a much happier, more honorable and less guilty life. Stay friends, there are other people you'd probably rather date anyway, you just may not have met them yet.

    Also, when you're an incredibly busy student, even on-campus relationships become long distance :P.

    Erios on
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    SarcastroSarcastro Registered User regular
    edited October 2008
    I've been both types of person, the kind who doesn't do anything after finding out someone has another relationship, and the person who went all out anyways. Either way, I've always believed that one shouldn't step up into such a thing unless they can go the distance, ie, be a better boyfriend for as long or longer than her current average in such things.

    I don't feel guilty for being the 'better man' (though that term is relative, believe you me), in my view, early relationships (HS, college, life) are competitive, and you don't get any points other than a hometeam advantage for being there first. Things change once theres an actual vow involved, I wouldn't ever want to get involved with something like that, but until that point, all is fair in love and war.

    Coupla things I've picked up though:

    1. You can't really convince someone that you're the better choice. I mean, you can, and actually it's pretty easy, but as soon as the novelty and effort wear off, unless you're actually better to be with naturally, things will decline and there will be harsh feelings and guilt all around. Active manipulation of such a situation can only end badly, so if you're not actually a better choice, don't play things up as if you were. Be honest with yourself and with others when making these kinds of decisions. Also be aware that that kind of honesty is almost impossible when you're emotionally involved. In short, Here Be Monsters.

    2. To quote Sun Tzu, 'Never take an enemy assassin into your own employ.' Which is to say, if they turned to your side because of bright and shiny things rather than personal conviction, they will very likely do the same when someone else comes offering.

    Those initial bursts of relationship energy provide the means for a person, such as yourself, to make huge investments, both emotional and financial towards another person. That first stage is seductive and addictive, and there are a lot of people who move from relationship to relationship existing on that first exaggerated burst. There are people who do this without even realizing that that is what they are doing, and its a kind of behaivor that can be started by your own actions. It's a bad habit, it ends in misery, so again, don't get involved in that kind of thing if you can help it. Be aware and be careful.

    I apologize if this sounds too much like I am rationalizing the 'that guy' perspective. It sucks to have what you think is a stable relationship scooped out from underneath you. I get that. However, I don't see any real merit to the argument that a person owes any kind of allegience to the first person they hooked up with because they happened to be the best availible choice at that time.

    Any relationship requires work, investment and effort over time, and it doesn't stop just because you think things are secure- there is always an ongoing evaluation of your relationship taking place, and its in the best interests of both people to be the best person they can, to offer the best they can, to that other person. Always. It's the natural right of any person within a relationship to change thier mind. Many people see an early relationship as one decision, when in reality is is a series of ongoing decisions to keep that relationship in place.

    Because it is a process rather than an 'event', the results of that process can change depending on what a person is going through at any given point in time. I'm sorry for anyone who's had that process switch over from favoring them to favoring another, especially when it can hurt so much, but honestly that's just the way it is. All one can do is be the best they can be, and hope it is enough for the person they want to be with. Put forward your best effort, and you'll get what you get. Nothing more, nothing less. That's life.

    Sarcastro on
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    GonmunGonmun He keeps kickin' me in the dickRegistered User regular
    edited October 2008
    Damn...now if Dear Abby quoted Sun Tsu I would find that a much more interesting read in the daily paper.

    Gonmun on
    desc wrote: »
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    NotYouNotYou Registered User regular
    edited October 2008
    keep on with what you're doing. Tell her you think she should stay with her boyfriend and you still like hanging out with her and have no hard feelings. Date other people.

    NotYou on
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    DarkewolfeDarkewolfe Registered User regular
    edited October 2008
    Hot crazy scale. She has to be reeeeally high on the hotness value to accommodate the crazy she will no doubt bring.

    Darkewolfe on
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    Beep I'm a RobotBeep I'm a Robot Registered User new member
    edited October 2008
    Thanks again guys. I've read every post so far and it all helps, especially thanks to Vivixenne and Sarcastro. You've given me a lot to think about. Right now I'm giving her some distance and we haven't been hanging out, so we'll see how she feels in a few days/weeks/however long it takes. In the meantime I actually have a ton of work to do, so I guess this isn't all bad. Less girls, more study :P

    Beep I'm a Robot on
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