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To all things, there is a time [Girl Thread]
Erios
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
So, long story short, my girlfriend and I semi-mutually ended our nine year relationship. We went from grade school to the end of college. However, we felt we were growing in different directions and some feelings were there, some not and that it would be best to strike out on our own. I've gotten past the initial "crying in the corner for the horrible thing I've let happen" phase and now I'm confused. What's a good, very short term post-breakup plan? I worry about sounding too mopey to my friends and what have you. Also I have a 5 day leave coming up and I have no idea how to spend it, considering I was going to see her. But now I'm just a starving student in manhattan.
I know this sounds ambiguous at best but my head isn't quite screwed on correctly at the moment. Any advice?
I know this sounds ambiguous at best but my head isn't quite screwed on correctly at the moment. Any advice?
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If I were you I'd try to look ahead (not always easy after a break up) I wouldn't worry about sounding mopey around your friends, after all that's what friends are there for to listen and help you out!
For the very short term I'd just spend some time by yourself or with a few close friends and get everything into perspective, I'd personally avoid going out on a bender and dealing with it that way (usually something retarded happens in that situation)
Unfortunately everyone is different after a break up, you'll just have to try to keep positive and fight through it. Eventually it will all clear up and you'll be ready to jump back on the horse and see what happens.
Robot Jelly
I am playing therapist for some of my friends atm. It lets me forget how awful my life is for the moment!
Cliche' incoming: There are many fish in the sea, my friend.
If you want to do something to take your mind off this, something that actually serves a purpose, work on bettering yourself so that when another girl comes along, one you want to pin your hopes and dreams on, you're an awesome dude and not some poor shlub. Not that you're a shlub now but everyone can be better, regarless of where they're currently at.
Anyhoo, advice-wise, you spent a lot of formative years with one girl. Even if you may be okay with it intellectually, it is of course totally okay to be broken up about it for a while. It can be daunting to think that something you've had around for a lot of your life is now gone.
To get better, focus not on what you lost, but on the opportunities that you now have. Were you really going to marry this one girl and never date anyone else ever? You now have the chance to see what other girls are out there, so do so. If you're not ready to date, at least talk to them without restraining your possible flirtations.
At the same time, think about why your relationship ended and see if, honestly, it had anything to do with you as a person, HER as a person, or a compatibility issue between the two of you. If it's the first, then focus on self-improvement. If it's either of the latter, don't fret too much.
Avoid any situation that may put you in her presence. Limit contact if not eliminating it completely, at least until you are "over" her.
Just remember that this is not the end of the road for you, it's just the start of something new. You could try being glad that this happened when it did, so that you now have the chance to explore yourself a much wider range of social interaction than you coul dbefore.
Mostly it was because she was in a phase in her life (I think she wants to live in China for a while) and that the feelings just aren't there in the same way anymore.
I feel pretty shitty to be honest, but I know there are other fish in the sea. Although it may have destroyed my relationship, being in an open relationship did make me aware that many other girls find me attractive and interesting and that I can find meaning with them. Fortunately also, the Upper West Side is loaded with women
I am not going to call her anymore, but I may communicate with her via IM. I know now she won't take me back, despite that I really want her to, because she doesn't love me that way any more. Maybe later in our lives, we can be together. She states (and I believe her) that she doesn't want to be with anyone for a long time. She also did mention that I am a great catch and a wonderful boyfriend, but her heart isn't in it anymore.
It could be better, but I am pretty happy about all this. Sorry about the ramble, I'm not all here.
Red'd for dangerous line of thinking.
I've been in your situation before, so I know how soothing it can be to latch on to the idea that someday, someday, you'll run into each other in the supermarket and the romance will bloom again, and she'll realize you're a better person now than ever before, and yadda yadda yadda.
Trust me on this. Do your best to not carry a torch for her, and move on with your life. You're better and wiser for the experience, a lesson you'll understand even better when you eventually find someone that is a better fit for you in terms of personality and life goals. (Long-term relationships stop working when either you or your partner realize they have different expectations for their short and long-term plans.)
My friend told me "you're a fighter at heart. If you took this sitting down, you know it's for the best." He's probably right, considering our goals were completely different at the end.
Just got up from the first night's sleep. Man getting to sleep is tough. I found the second I turn off the lights, all the bad thoughts in the world come out.
The ache sucks - it really does and 9 years is A LONG time, you two practically have been together since children. It does get better. I know the last month has been hard on myself and its true that at night, all those horrible, horrible thoughts come rushing into your head.
Dont try and dwell on it, DO NOT CONTACT HER. Thats one thing I did like an idiot - begging her back and it only caused more heartache. This is broken right now, move on.
I also agree that you should definately find a hobby and im glad that you are feeling pretty confident about your future. Things will get better, it just takes time. Take solace in the face that you're not alone and that heartache happens to everybody. Doesn't make it any less painful and don't be afraid to use your friends a crutch for a bit or cry yourself to sleep. This is all natural.
Oddly enough, she seems to be suffering a great deal more than me. I externalize everything (hence these posts) whereas she utilizes a strategy of internalization, so I have a great number of people keeping me happy. Some friends are letting me crash their place over the break. I am a very persuasive man, and I knew immediately that I could not change her mind on this one, so I'm not going to try. Plus, I've been thinking we could use some time apart for a while. For different reasons, mind you, I need to be with other people to gain perspective and I think she needs to be single to gain some as well.
I suppose I grieve very strangely. I've even been in limited contact with her, but it was mostly in the context of "nerf javazons/MS warriors etc." I suppose I've known this was coming for a long time, so I feel much less pain than if this surprised me completely. I don't intend on talking to her every night or anything, but I wouldn't mind the occasional friendly banter at some point in the future.
In the mean time, I plan to get my 40k army shipped to NYC so I can paint it some and play some apocalypse games. Not much happens around the Columbia campus anyway, though I do have some good friends. I am trying to stay out of my room unless I'm sleeping or playing video games. Unfortunately, my PC got socked in the proverbial nuts, so I am a bit out of touch, especially since I charge my cell phone with my laptop