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Should I make the last effort? [Friend thread]
Kyougu
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Okay, here's the situation. Been friends with this girl for some time, we got to be pretty close for a while, supporting one another, talking about stuff, etc. She lives across the country, so much of our communication is through IM, mail, and occasional phone call.
About a year ago, she got into probably her first real, caring relationship. Guy's great from what I gather, and they move in together. Things seem to be going well for her. Not so much for the friendship though, as I start to realize we go from talking multiple times a week, to occasionally once or twice a month. No biggie, life for her is busy, I can deal with that.
What I start noticing though, is that it seems to me that I'm the one that cares about the friendship. Asking her questions about her life, trying to give her advice..you know, being a friend. She rarely seems to ask how I'm doing, or really dwell into me the few times we (briefly) talk. So I start getting annoyed, and decide to not put effort into the friendship, and let it die out naturally. It happens right?
Today I'm on, and she IM's me. We talk but it's...strained I guess would be the word. Not the banter we used to have. Partly it's me though, since I feel annoyed about how's she's been treating me, and I figure she picked up on that. We talk for like five minutes, before I tell her I have to go. (Which I did.)
Now though, I'm kinda sad..I hate seeing this friendship dying as it is, but at the same time I don't think it's fair for me to be making the efforts all the time, and when I think about it I grow annoyed. Granted, I don't think she does it on purpose, since I figure if she didn't want to talk to me, she would not IM me (She is usually under invisible when she IM's me.) but it's still annoying.
I was thinking of maybe sending her a mail telling her how I feel, though I'm not sure if I should. Maybe I should let things follow their natural course? Opinions?
About a year ago, she got into probably her first real, caring relationship. Guy's great from what I gather, and they move in together. Things seem to be going well for her. Not so much for the friendship though, as I start to realize we go from talking multiple times a week, to occasionally once or twice a month. No biggie, life for her is busy, I can deal with that.
What I start noticing though, is that it seems to me that I'm the one that cares about the friendship. Asking her questions about her life, trying to give her advice..you know, being a friend. She rarely seems to ask how I'm doing, or really dwell into me the few times we (briefly) talk. So I start getting annoyed, and decide to not put effort into the friendship, and let it die out naturally. It happens right?
Today I'm on, and she IM's me. We talk but it's...strained I guess would be the word. Not the banter we used to have. Partly it's me though, since I feel annoyed about how's she's been treating me, and I figure she picked up on that. We talk for like five minutes, before I tell her I have to go. (Which I did.)
Now though, I'm kinda sad..I hate seeing this friendship dying as it is, but at the same time I don't think it's fair for me to be making the efforts all the time, and when I think about it I grow annoyed. Granted, I don't think she does it on purpose, since I figure if she didn't want to talk to me, she would not IM me (She is usually under invisible when she IM's me.) but it's still annoying.
I was thinking of maybe sending her a mail telling her how I feel, though I'm not sure if I should. Maybe I should let things follow their natural course? Opinions?
Kyougu on
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I know that when I'm at home, if I'm doing something then IMs seem like an incredible distraction, and holding conversations over them requires much more effort. Just because you have your undivided attention on the conversation doesn't mean she does.
If she was closer I'd recommend going for coffee or something, as it's much easier to talk in person. Since that's not an option - try calling her?
Failing that, then let it go. People move on, and maybe it's time for you to as well.
Things change in life, and sometimes.. life takes hold of you and just doesn't let go.. sometimes for a LONG stretch.
I've got friends I haven't talked to in years.. but when we talk.. it's like we just spoke last week. Just because you don't talk for a week, a month, a year... several years, doesn't always mean the friendship "dies".
Just accept that her life right now is a lot busier than yours, and that your friendship may very well still be important to her, but not important enough to surmount things going on in her life right now.
You guys aren't dating, and you aren't romantically involved, so really there is no expectation of timely communication beyond friendly banter. Maybe this guys is manipulative and/or jealous... and eventually she will see beyond that and leave him... or maybe she's swamped in all sorts of other things and jsu tnot thinking about keeping in touch. Either way, at some point you will have a chance to reconnect if she still wants to. Just keep the lines of communication open, maybe toss her an e-mail/IM now and again and let it go where it will go.
I used to spend 6 hours a day with my best friend from grade school. We'd walk to and from school together, go to class together, sit in her basement all day on weekends playing computer games. Then she went to Juilliard in New York, and we pretty much stopped talking for a few years. But when she came back to Canada to go to med school, we got back in touch, and all our old friendship and ease with each other was still there. Now, we tend to email each other every few months, but I know with quiet certainty that when we do get together again, we'll be giggling like schoolgirls within five minutes, and having way too much fun with whatever we're doing.
Some friends come and go. People can just lose interest in each other, and personalities can change (not always for the better). But I think that most friendships have the potential to be lifelong, provided both people involved have the wisdom and maturity to be patient about them. You don't need to see someone every week for them to be a friend. You don't even need to talk to them. In your case in particular, it really sounds like her life has changed significantly, and it sounds like you're not really respecting that. It sounds like you were trying to force conversations by asking her about her life and offering unsolicited advice, at a time when she was busy with a new relationship and a new environment. I have no doubt that your intentions were good, but you probably came off as clingy or critical or just plain invasive.
Be patient with her. Don't just stop talking to her, don't be annoyed over the fact that your relationship with her has changed. Just accept it. When you are able to have a conversation with her, enjoy it! When she's busy, don't pressure her or feel resentful. It sounds like she still values you as a friend - otherwise, she wouldn't have messaged you after you started giving her the silent treatment. I suggest you just send her an email saying something like this:
"Hey. I'm sorry I've been acting a little weird for the past few months. The truth is, it was just hard for me to deal with the shift from talking to you pretty much every day, to talking to you every couple of weeks. I took it too personally, and tried too hard to keep things the way they were, and that made things awkward. But I understand that you're busier than you used to be, and I'm happy that you're in a good relationship, and I still very much enjoy chatting with you. So, when you do want to talk, I'll be here, just like old times; when you're busy or just need some space, I'll respect that. You're too good a friend to lose over something like this."
If she sends you back an email along the lines of "I'm sorry too, I guess I have been kind of neglecting you," then all is well: both of you will have acknowledged the problem, and you'll both be more understanding with each other. If she doesn't respond at all, or if she gets defensive or angry... maybe it is time to move on. But try laying your cards on the table first.
I just got off of a 3-hour conversation with a girl who was my best friend in college for about 3 years. We literally hung out every day and did everything together. Since then, we both have jobs, we both moved, and we don't really see each other outside of maybe once a year or so, during the holidays. Truth be told, she only calls me when she has to make a long drive or when she has a long period of deadtime. But you know what? That's how our friendship is now. We simply don't have the time, and the logistics are such that even if we wanted to we couldn't hang out regularly anymore. But at least when one of us has some free time every few months, we take the time to call each other and catch up. It's not ideal, but that's how it goes. And frankly, as I've already said, we both have our own lives now. It's unfair to set the expectation that she keep a running tab on all of the minutae of my everday existence when she lives hundreds of miles away and she has her own job, relationship, social circles, etc. Just as it would be unfair for me to set that expectation for her.
The key is that we, at least implicitly, recognize these things. Are we "BFFs 4evar" anymore? Probably not. But are we still friends? Sure. Do we still care about each other? Definitely. If something terrible happened to either of us, would we make the effort to reach out? Most certainly. Does this mean I need to know what Fred in Accounting said last week at her job? Not really.
I have a lot of friendships like that now. Some are maintained more regularly than others, and some are stronger than others. Maybe some I would classify more as long-term acquaintances than true friendships. But that's how things go.
Seeing someone every day or talking to them all the time doesn't make them your friend. A real friend is someone you can call at 3:00am in the morning when the shit has hit the fan, and you know that their first response will be, "What is wrong and how can I help?", rather than, "Why the hell are you calling me at 3:00 in the fucking morning?" Whether or not they know that your cat ate Draino yesterday or they live 500 miles away or they went to the movies with you last week is irrelevant.
PS - Get a girlfriend.
Some girls, with a boyfriend, attach themselves to the boyfriend all the "talking about their day" and emotional chatter goes to them. They don't bother sharing it with anyone else because they have a boyfriend as an outlet.
Others actually let their boyfriend completely influence head-to-toe, so that they aren't even the same person anymore. This can be a good thing or a bad thing, that entirely depends on the guy in question.
Other girls make efforts not to let boyfriends take over their lives and consciously go out of their way to stay connected to their friends.
She sounds like the first case, but regardless, it's not that she's doing it intentionally, it's just that she's probably in a relationship that takes a lot of time and she has a guy confidant that is not you. She might be busy, like others have said.
Her absence is also much more palpable to you because you seem to be single.
HOWEVER. Just because she's busy doesn't mean you don't get to tell her how you feel. Good friends mean that you can communicate openly and honestly with them. So, don't ACCUSE her of letting the relationship die, just express that you have noticed a rift growing and it's worrying to you because you highly value your friendship with her. You understand that she's busy and has different priorities, but you do still miss the connection you once had.
These are all perfectly reasonable things to say to a friend, so long as you say them softly and without any sort of hostility. She hasn't done anything wrong per se, so don't try to pin the responsibility on her.
After all, she can't read your mind. She can't know what you're thinking or feeling unless you TELL her, and sitting there getting all depressed about shit when she probably doesn't even know it's happening is pretty silly and unfair. So yeah. Call her, write, something.
This.
This happened to my girlfriend, with a male friend of hers. He just couldnt come to terms with the fact that she had a boyfriend with whom she would now share the more personal things, and that she was much more likely to invite me (the boyfriend) to events. When she was single, she used to invite him to alot of those things.
I can understand how that must feel, but at the same time, you just cant expect a girl to make the same amount of time for you as her boyfriend. She still made the effort to keep in touch with him, but he just turned into a whiny, mopey dude so she stopped bothering because it simply wasnt fun. Eventually he sent a big abloo-bloo-bloo email saying how she'd changed, and he didnt think he could be friends with someone who thinks its perfectly fine to completely change old friendships, and a whole bunch of stupid stuff. She just got completely pissed off by it, and they ended up in a phone argument, and havent spoken since.
So i would say: Think rationally about this. Look at things from her perspective. She's probably not paying less attention to you maliciously, her life is changing and her friendships need to adapt to that. Unfortunately for you, it seems that means your friendship will need to be one more distant than before. If you can come to terms with that, then you can preserve it. Stay in touch now and then, dont take long periods of no communication personally. Just dont throw down a silly ultimatum that she needs to try harder to keep your friendship, or some such.