As was foretold, we've added advertisements to the forums! If you have questions, or if you encounter any bugs, please visit this thread: https://forums.penny-arcade.com/discussion/240191/forum-advertisement-faq-and-reports-thread/

This is some gourmet shit right here....

Darth WaiterDarth Waiter Elrond HubbardMordor XenuRegistered User regular
edited November 2008 in Social Entropy++
So, every once in awhile, I try to make a cooking thread. It usually peters out after a few days (sometimes a few hours) and it leaves me all sad inside, like it's Win-a-Clown day and the box of clowns just ran dry. Today, in honor of recent events, I thought I would try again and find my own happiness here, with you people, rather than at the bottom of a clown box. I want to inject some culture in to the new era and the interent just strikes me as a way to share your personal recipe for the food that makes you most bestest cook in da hizzouse. Here goes something rather than nothing.

The secret to a good stuffed chicken is the preparation. Your first priority is to trim the fat and skin and connective tissue away from the bulk of the meat; you want a good sized chunk of breast meat about the size of your hand, fingers extended and joined, and at least an inch and a half thick in the center. Now comes the fun part.

Whatever you decide to stuff the chicken with, it needs to be well mixed. For the purposes of this thread, I will use a simple mixture of well-cooked (preferrably seasoned) asparagus stalks, diced gouda cheese and finely minced roasted garlic. You can cook the mixture all together beforehand on low heat while you are prepping the chicken and save yourself a good twenty minutes. If you have a food processor, the mixing part is a snap. If not, just make sure all of your ingredients are finely chopped before tossing them together for a stuffing. After you have all of your components ready, it's time to do the actual stuffing.There's two schools of thought on how to do this.

Up first is Kiev style. Take the breast and slice it in half to where it looks like a Valentine's heart. This is called "butterflying." With the breast opened up this way, you can pound it out between two layers of plastic wrap to give the meat an even thickness like you would with clay or dough; try not to get the breast too thin because, unlike dough, this stuff doesn't get folded back together for easy reassembly. Once you have it smoothed out, place between 1.5 and 2 ounces of the mixture on one edge of the breast in the center. From here, roll it up like a burrito, one fold over in the center, then the sides together, one fold in the center, then the sides together. Eventually, it should look like a kind of meaty Twinkie.

And I swear to sweet Baby Buddha's Left Nut that the first person to make a joke about rolling a joint does nothing but prove themselves to be a useless bag of shit with poor taste in humor. Go kill yourself, CarrotTop.

The second style of stuffing is a bit more elegant. You need to make a small slice in the center of the breast about half an inch deep and two inches long; from here, flip the knife over and slice half an inch deeper and broaden the edges by about an inch on each side. If my directions are somewhat convoluted, think of slicing a baguette or a hot dog bun; you don't wanna slice it all in one go and screw it up like those cocksuckers at Subway who fuck it up every time I swear to Jeebus it's like they don't even teach these retards. In fact, by practicing on baguettes, hot dog buns, and bagels, you'll develop your technique for slicing chicken in no time. If you screw up during this trial and error time, you haven't really screwed up; you've just made croutons and breading for your next round of baked or fried fish (which I will post about later).

Now, stuffing the chicken is just as easy as the previous method, 1.5 to 2 ounces in the center, only this time there's no need to fold it, just make sure that your stuffing doesn't ooze out everywhere.

From here, I personally use a two-part cooking process. First, I wrap the now-stuffed chicken in aluminum foil (I like folding it like an envelope) and toss that bad boy in the oven at 300 degrees Farenheit for about 30 minutes; the chicken gets pretty well cooked and retains alot of it's mosture. Second, I remove the foil and toss it back in the oven on a notstick pan for 10 minutes at 450 degrees; what you get here is a nice golden brown outer layer and most of the fat will be left in the aluminum foil.

Now, you can garnish this dish with anything you like, but my personal favorite is a pureed tomato and cream sauce with basil leaves, but a nice chunky tomato ragu with black olive pieces and sauteed mushrooms might be just your cup of tea. As far as side dishes, well the sky's the limit really, but you'd be best served by placing your chicken over a bed of al dente pasta tossed with olive oil and sliced sauteed onions. You end up with something that's got a real Mediterranean feel but can be altered in any number of ways to suit your palette. Grape leaves are a real nice garnish.

Now, some of you nitpickers out there may have noticed that I hardly used measurements nor did I specify cooking times for anything other than the chicken as well as a concpicuous lack of descriptions for seasonings. This was on purpose. Do you like curry? Great, use it. Would you prefer mint in your tomato cream sauce instead of basil? Knock yourself out. Pepper, no pepper, salt, cumin, sage, coriander, dill, ox penis, yeti gallbladder-I don't give a rat's ass because at the end of the day, it's your food. I would prefer that you remember the most important part of cooking: taste your food as you go and use small amounts of seasoning over time rather than a shit-ton at once. I have seen more dishes ruined that way than housecats have fuck-off-and-die stares.

So, that's part one and I would greatly appreciate it if those who contribute remember that this is your gourmet recipe, not something you found and copy-pasted nor is it something you whipped up in a dorm room utilizing baloney, cheerios and spit. Show some fucking culture and shit; oh, humor don't hurt either.

Darth Waiter on
«13

Posts

  • Threadbare SockThreadbare Sock regular
    edited November 2008
    wat

    Threadbare Sock on
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
    FOOT SWEATERS
  • Darth WaiterDarth Waiter Elrond Hubbard Mordor XenuRegistered User regular
    edited November 2008
    Shaddap, my laptop's possessed or something.

    Darth Waiter on
  • SkillazSkillaz __BANNED USERS regular
    edited November 2008
    This sounds like it would taste very very good. I am going to try making it over the weekend, I should take picture step by step and then show you guys how it will come out.

    I bet I will ruin it somehow though, I am a horrible cook.

    Skillaz on
    dark-knight-joker-close_11976582-3.jpg
  • GreenGreen Stick around. I'm full of bad ideas.Registered User regular
    edited November 2008
    The thread that would not die

    Green on
  • ParisInFlamesParisInFlames Registered User regular
    edited November 2008
    I made a pretty nice sandwich with baloney, cheerios and spit.

    ParisInFlames on
    UnderwaterUmbrellaGirlwider.jpg
    Steam id: skoot LoL id: skoot
  • Tweaked_Bat_Tweaked_Bat_ Registered User regular
    edited November 2008
    Hang on, what is happening?

    Tweaked_Bat_ on
  • GreenGreen Stick around. I'm full of bad ideas.Registered User regular
    edited November 2008
    I don't feel like cooking so I grabbed a philly cheesesteak, some mac & cheese, and a bottle of strawberry milk from Wawa

    om nom nom

    Green on
  • matthias00matthias00 Registered User regular
    edited November 2008
    I'm really sad my dorm's kitchen is so sub-par.

    If it had so much as a toaster I would be down there making sandwiches left and right. As it is? meh.

    matthias00 on
  • JigrahJigrah Registered User regular
    edited November 2008
    I have no idea how you do the second method of stuffing chicken. Hot dog buns already come cut, there is no cutting about it.

    Jigrah on
  • FalloutFallout GIRL'S DAY WAS PRETTY GOOD WHILE THEY LASTEDRegistered User regular
    edited November 2008
    what happen

    Fallout on
    xcomsig.png
  • PiptheFairPiptheFair Frequently not in boats. Registered User regular
    edited November 2008
    canola oil is also known as rape seed oil

    because it comes from the rape seed

    PiptheFair on
  • NogsNogs Crap, crap, mega crap. Crap, crap, mega crap.Registered User regular
    edited November 2008
    DW, you need pictures in a food thread

    Nogs on
    rotate.jpg
    PARKER, YOU'RE FIRED! <-- My comic book podcast! Satan look here!
  • Darth WaiterDarth Waiter Elrond Hubbard Mordor XenuRegistered User regular
    edited November 2008
    Nogs wrote: »
    DW, you need pictures in a food thread

    Sadly, the laptop I am using has a fuckered USB port so I can't download any pictures right now. I will have to think of a workaround for the next one.

    Darth Waiter on
  • redheadredhead Registered User regular
    edited November 2008
    I can't read this thread title without finishing it "L-I-M-P BIZKIT IS RIGHT HERE"

    redhead on
  • MugginsMuggins Registered User regular
    edited November 2008
    Darth you should make a gourmet list of things for college kids with barely any food left

    Muggins on
    BdVvFJu.jpg
    hey satan...: thinkgeek amazon My post |
  • PiptheFairPiptheFair Frequently not in boats. Registered User regular
    edited November 2008
    Veretas wrote: »
    Darth you should make a gourmet list of things for college kids with barely any food left

    learn how to butcher meat and buy stuff whole

    also grains, lots of grains

    PiptheFair on
  • Darth WaiterDarth Waiter Elrond Hubbard Mordor XenuRegistered User regular
    edited November 2008
    Word, Pip. Also, farmer's markets.

    Fair Trade and all that.

    Darth Waiter on
  • As7As7 Registered User regular
    edited November 2008
    Anyone have good recipes for potatoes? I have a bunch I should use.

    As7 on
    XBOX Live: Arsenic7
    Secret Satan
  • PiptheFairPiptheFair Frequently not in boats. Registered User regular
    edited November 2008
    Word, Pip. Also, farmer's markets.

    Fair Trade and all that.

    farmers markets are fantastic


    if you are low on meats, or too cheap to buy them, look into something called quinoa

    PiptheFair on
  • Darth WaiterDarth Waiter Elrond Hubbard Mordor XenuRegistered User regular
    edited November 2008
    As7 wrote: »
    Anyone have good recipes for potatoes? I have a bunch I should use.

    Taters are easy. Make sure you scrub off the exterior well to get rid of all the dirt and whatnot. Oven roasting them is a snap with aluminum foil and voila: baked potato.

    If you want fancy, slice them longways into ovals about 1/8 inch thick to create a wafer effect. Now you toss them in cooking oil and fry 'em. Once that's done, toss them in seasoning and use them as a base for a protein like pork or cubed steak.

    Alternatively, instead of frying the wafers, bake them in a nonstick pan and add the seasoning before you toss them in the oven.


    Lastly, cubed up the potatoes, skin on, and slow roast them with onions and carrots in the oven at about 350 degrees for 20 minutes. It's best to cook the onions and carrots beforehand in a chicken broth and then toss them in with the taters sans broth.

    Darth Waiter on
  • ShimShamShimSham Registered User regular
    edited November 2008
    Nogs wrote: »
    DW, you need pictures in a food thread

    Sadly, the laptop I am using has a fuckered USB port so I can't download any pictures right now. I will have to think of a workaround for the next one.
    Sounds like a personal problem.

    ShimSham on
    QcGKhPm.jpg
  • LarlarLarlar consecutive normal brunches Moderator, ClubPA mod
    edited November 2008
    I read "cooking thread"

    but then there were no pictures of delicious foods to not read about

    only foods to read about

    oh well

    Larlar on
    iwantanswers3.png
  • Darth WaiterDarth Waiter Elrond Hubbard Mordor XenuRegistered User regular
    edited November 2008
    Larlar wrote: »
    I read "cooking thread"

    but then there were no pictures of delicious foods to not read about

    only foods to read about

    oh well

    Damn you, Larlar!

    Darth Waiter on
  • matthias00matthias00 Registered User regular
    edited November 2008
    Yeah uh hey pip, what's the coolest thing you can do with a microwave

    matthias00 on
  • PiptheFairPiptheFair Frequently not in boats. Registered User regular
    edited November 2008
    matthias00 wrote: »
    Yeah uh hey pip, what's the coolest thing you can do with a microwave

    kill a bunch of people with pacemakers

    PiptheFair on
  • NogsNogs Crap, crap, mega crap. Crap, crap, mega crap.Registered User regular
    edited November 2008
    i wonder if roasted cactus tastes any good.

    Nogs on
    rotate.jpg
    PARKER, YOU'RE FIRED! <-- My comic book podcast! Satan look here!
  • SkillazSkillaz __BANNED USERS regular
    edited November 2008
    Nogs wrote: »
    i wonder if roasted cactus tastes any good.

    Cactus is best when it is cut into thin strips, battered, and then fried.

    Skillaz on
    dark-knight-joker-close_11976582-3.jpg
  • PiptheFairPiptheFair Frequently not in boats. Registered User regular
    edited November 2008
    Skillaz wrote: »
    Nogs wrote: »
    i wonder if roasted cactus tastes any good.

    Cactus is best when it is cut into thin strips, battered, and then fried.

    so is everything ever

    PiptheFair on
  • SkillazSkillaz __BANNED USERS regular
    edited November 2008
    PiptheFair wrote: »
    Skillaz wrote: »
    Nogs wrote: »
    i wonder if roasted cactus tastes any good.

    Cactus is best when it is cut into thin strips, battered, and then fried.

    so is everything ever

    I don't agree with that totally, but then again this is probably just me. I don't like fried chicken.

    Skillaz on
    dark-knight-joker-close_11976582-3.jpg
  • NogsNogs Crap, crap, mega crap. Crap, crap, mega crap.Registered User regular
    edited November 2008
    i say, i say, boy, you aint never had no fried chicken than

    Nogs on
    rotate.jpg
    PARKER, YOU'RE FIRED! <-- My comic book podcast! Satan look here!
  • MugginsMuggins Registered User regular
    edited November 2008
    My microwave does not have a rotating plate

    So any shit I microwave has to be in there for longer and god I hate it it sucks

    Muggins on
    BdVvFJu.jpg
    hey satan...: thinkgeek amazon My post |
  • satansfingerssatansfingers Registered User regular
    edited November 2008
    i have been craving some fried chicken bad lately

    but i don't know where to go for some quality

    satansfingers on
  • StaleStale Registered User regular
    edited November 2008
    i have been craving some fried chicken bad lately

    but i don't know where to go for some quality

    look for fat black people


    somewhere nearby is quality fried chicken

    Stale on
    easysig2.jpg
  • PiptheFairPiptheFair Frequently not in boats. Registered User regular
    edited November 2008
    i have been craving some fried chicken bad lately

    but i don't know where to go for some quality

    popeyes or churchs are delicious if you don't mind fast food

    PiptheFair on
  • NogsNogs Crap, crap, mega crap. Crap, crap, mega crap.Registered User regular
    edited November 2008
    roasting some bell peppers right now as a matter of fact.

    Nogs on
    rotate.jpg
    PARKER, YOU'RE FIRED! <-- My comic book podcast! Satan look here!
  • Raijin QuickfootRaijin Quickfoot I'm your Huckleberry YOU'RE NO DAISYRegistered User, ClubPA regular
    edited November 2008
    Here is something incredibly simple yet amazingly delicious.

    Mix some brown sugar and chili powder. More brown sugar then chili.

    Take some chicken breasts and cut them into small pieces

    Cut some bacon in half

    Wrap the chicken with the bacon and skewer with a toothpick

    mix in the brown sugar/chili powder concoction

    bake for about 30 minutes at 375

    Fucking amazing.

    Raijin Quickfoot on
  • PiptheFairPiptheFair Frequently not in boats. Registered User regular
    edited November 2008
    Koshian wrote: »
    that sounds like it would be really dry and not delicious

    no

    PiptheFair on
  • SkillazSkillaz __BANNED USERS regular
    edited November 2008
    I prefer shrimp wrapped in bacon, with lots of butter for a wonderful taste.

    Skillaz on
    dark-knight-joker-close_11976582-3.jpg
  • PiptheFairPiptheFair Frequently not in boats. Registered User regular
    edited November 2008
    Koshian wrote: »
    PiptheFair wrote: »
    Koshian wrote: »
    that sounds like it would be really dry and not delicious

    no

    I don't know...

    I really really hate chicken breast though, so it's probably just me

    I don't understand

    PiptheFair on
  • Raijin QuickfootRaijin Quickfoot I'm your Huckleberry YOU'RE NO DAISYRegistered User, ClubPA regular
    edited November 2008
    Koshian wrote: »
    that sounds like it would be really dry and not delicious

    Not even. It's moist and delicious and amazing.

    Raijin Quickfoot on
Sign In or Register to comment.