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Internet girlfriend

ShinyoShinyo Registered User regular
edited November 2006 in Help / Advice Forum
I've been "dating" this girl I know over the internet for some time. We've never been able to meet in real life, but through webcams have come pretty close. She's been asked about by another guy, and wants to know if we could still be close if she accepted.

Personally, I'm against the idea. But I really, truly care for this girl and I'm conflicted on whether or not I want her to be with me, or a guy who can actually give her a hug like she deserves.

I'd really rather not cut it off with her, but I don't like the idea of her seeing someone else at the same time. What should I tell her?

Shinyo on

Posts

  • LibrarianLibrarian The face of liberal fascism Registered User regular
    edited October 2006
    If the two of you for whatever reason can not meet in person, "outside the internet" and bring your relationship to the next level, then I think it is a pretty bad idea to ignore "real" relationship possibilities that might come up in RL and it is not fair of you to expect that from her.

    Why don't you meet her?

    Librarian on
  • ShinyoShinyo Registered User regular
    edited October 2006
    The problem is we live 5 states away and are under 18 >.>

    Shinyo on
  • LibrarianLibrarian The face of liberal fascism Registered User regular
    edited October 2006
    Well in that case it is just a bad idea to wait that long imho.

    Besides it looks like she has already made up her mind, she wants to keep you, but she will almost definitely pursue this RL opportunity no matter what you tell her.

    When would you be able to meet her? Because that is probably the most important factor here.
    If we are talking about a couple of months till one of you is old enough to drive or make that journey by any other means, then I'd say it might be ok to wait(But you still can't do anything about the things she does in RL).

    If on the other hand you are talking about a timeframe of several years till you can meet her, I'd say you should forget about the whole thing and move on.

    Librarian on
  • SilverWindSilverWind Registered User regular
    edited October 2006
    It depends on what she means by 'close'... Close friend? If you can accept that, sure. However, I strongly suggest that you do not continue being as 'close' as a couple.

    If she wants to date someone else, she's dating someone else, and it's not fair to the guy she's seeing or to you.

    SilverWind on
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  • exoplasmexoplasm Registered User regular
    edited October 2006
    Shinyo wrote:
    I really, truly care for this girl and I'm conflicted on whether or not I want her to be with me

    Why is this a choice? Clearly, you want her to be with you. However, that ain't gonna happen as long as you two aren't within arm's reach of eachother. Just because she wants to see some guy she met in person does not mean you should suddenly stop wanting her. She isn't going to be ruined or tainted by spending time with someone else (well, maybe, but unlikely). If you two still like eachother when it becomes feasable to meet up, then there shouldn't be any problem here.
    Librarian wrote:
    If the two of you for whatever reason can not meet in person, "outside the internet" and bring your relationship to the next level, then I think it is a pretty bad idea to ignore "real" relationship possibilities that might come up in RL and it is not fair of you to expect that from her.

    You two have no claim or obligation towards eachother. There is no reason either of you should NOT pursue relationships where you can physically interact (talking, laughing, holding hands, hugging, kissing, etc.). There's also no reason to end your internet relationship over something like this. Unless it interferes with other relationships, I guess.

    exoplasm on
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  • SilverWindSilverWind Registered User regular
    edited October 2006
    exoplasm wrote:
    Librarian wrote:
    If the two of you for whatever reason can not meet in person, "outside the internet" and bring your relationship to the next level, then I think it is a pretty bad idea to ignore "real" relationship possibilities that might come up in RL and it is not fair of you to expect that from her.

    You two have no claim or obligation towards eachother. There is no reason either of you should NOT pursue relationships where you can physically interact (talking, laughing, holding hands, hugging, kissing, etc.). There's also no reason to end your internet relationship over something like this. Unless it interferes with other relationships, I guess.

    Wait... I can understand what Librarian says on how it may not be fair to expect her to ignore a RL relationship for an online one--that's a matter of personal choice (of the girl in this case). But "there's no reason to end your internet relationship over something like this"? If by 'relationship' you mean in the romantic sense, there's several reasons why it should be terminated--namely that depending on the girl's actions, she may be cheating if she continues on doing what she does with Shinyo, and secondly, if Shinyo is going to carry on being devoted to this girl, it will either result in him ruining his chances with other people, or result in an iffy cheating situation for him as well.

    There is a difference between being in a relationship and being friends, even online.

    SilverWind on
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  • exoplasmexoplasm Registered User regular
    edited October 2006
    Sorry, I was talking more of a continued friendship. I should have been more specific.

    exoplasm on
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  • edited October 2006
    She was bound to find someone nearby sooner or later. If you like her enough as a friend, just go with the flow.

    TroubledTom on
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  • KingMooKingMoo Registered User regular
    edited October 2006
    Spend less time with this online friendship and explore other relationships. Once you have done this you will know how much you actually care for the person.

    KingMoo on
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  • KyouguKyougu Registered User regular
    edited October 2006
    The best thing to do in this situation is for you to tell her that it's cool for her to date someone else, and try to remain friends with her if you really care about her.
    Here's the thing, remaining friends with her is going to be pretty painful, specially if she's starts dating or seeing someone more. It'll probably bug you, and you'll feel pretty crappy sometimes.
    The good news is that you're young. Like somoene said, try withdrawing a bit from this online relationship, and look around you. Who knows what you'll find.

    Kyougu on
  • LiveWireLiveWire Registered User
    edited October 2006
    It would be helpful for us to know what your plans for the future are (were, or whatever) for you and this girl.

    You're 5 states away and both under 18. You can of course be friends but a "relationship" relationship with this girl is all but impossible given your circumstances. Unless there is a plan for the both of you to make this a real relationship, you should allow yourselves (and each other) to pursue RL partners.

    LiveWire on
  • chuck steakchuck steak Registered User regular
    edited October 2006
    LiveWire wrote:
    It would be helpful for us to know what your plans for the future are (were, or whatever) for you and this girl.

    You're 5 states away and both under 18. You can of course be friends but a "relationship" relationship with this girl is all but impossible given your circumstances. Unless there is a plan for the both of you to make this a real relationship, you should allow yourselves (and each other) to pursue RL partners.

    yeah, it seems to me like being friends is about the only possability right now. only try to keep being friends with her if you are totally ok with her dating other people though. if you can't handle that then you should probably cut all contact.

    chuck steak on
  • Teh ErickaTeh Ericka Registered User regular
    edited October 2006
    Tell her it's entirely her decision, and that you'll care about her the same way no matter what she wants to do. Treat her like you do now, but maybe emphasize the "friend" angle more than the romantic one. just be really open and honest about everything, and allow eachother to explore your IRL romantic lives. Maybe in a couple of years things will be different, but for now just keep things open.

    Teh Ericka on
  • ThanatosThanatos Registered User regular
    edited October 2006
    You are insane if you decide to try to pursue an internet relationship with someone five states away who wants to date other people in real life.

    Thanatos on
  • FireWeaselFireWeasel Registered User
    edited October 2006
    Thanatos wrote:
    You are insane if you decide to try to pursue an internet relationship with someone five states away who wants to date other people in real life.

    This man speaks the truth.

    If it's strictly friendship that you're looking for, then no worries. If it's more, then you're pretty much toast and need to accept that.

    FireWeasel on
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  • Nitsuj82Nitsuj82 Registered User regular
    edited October 2006
    I once "dated" a girl over the internet. I was 16 and the internet had just started getting really big and easily accessible. We sent pictures, mailed letters and trinkets to one another, and chatted almost every night. Well, we both realized it was something that you just CAN'T DO over the internet. You need to have the physical contact in order for it to be a real relationship. Plain and simple. You're young, go out and date. If you aren't dating now or if you aren't confident enough, then wait till college.

    Nitsuj82 on
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  • DynamiteKidDynamiteKid Registered User
    edited October 2006
    Let her go into the other guy's arms. If you're both under 18 and have no legitimate plans to see each other, from 5 states away, it isn't worth it. I was in a year and a half relationship where I saw my girlfriend THREE TIMES.

    It's not worth the heartache and the missed oppurtunities. Let her go.

    DynamiteKid on
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  • DerrickDerrick Registered User regular
    edited October 2006
    Get a real girlfriend.

    Seriously.

    Derrick on
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  • AlphariusAlpharius Registered User regular
    edited October 2006
    you can't have a meaningful consequential romantic relationship without direct contact. Let the fact that this girl likes you be a confidence booster, that reaffirms you, and then get out there and meet someone face to face.

    Alpharius on
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  • Daemon_AconisDaemon_Aconis Registered User
    edited October 2006
    wrote:
    -[arlequin]you can't have a meaningful consequential romantic relationship without direct contact. Let the fact that this girl likes you be a confidence booster, that reaffirms you, and then get out there and meet someone face to face.

    This man speaks truth.

    I've been where you are twice. Once was a strictly internet relationship, the other started close but then had to move to a Long Distance Relationship because she and her family moved.

    I regret them both. They were foolish plans by an idealistic version of myself. Take the confidence you've gained in finding out that she likes you for you and go out and find your own scene. You'll be thankful.

    Daemon_Aconis on
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  • Coal ArcaneCoal Arcane Registered User
    edited October 2006
    Thanatos wrote:
    You are insane if you decide to try to pursue an internet relationship with someone five states away who wants to date other people in real life.

    Limed for fucking TRUTH.

    I did this for almost two years, and only met her twice. It was both the best and worst experience in my life, if only because it gave me a lot of experiences that I otherwise would probably have never known about.

    That being said, I wouldn't do it. It really sucks when you want to go to the movies with her, but you can't because she's only at her desk five states away. You never can tell if she's being honest with you, or if she's just typing things while lying through her teeth. The fact that she wants to date someone else already seems so, so SO sketchy to me and should be an obvious "duh, fuck that bitch" straight out of the gate.

    Do not persue her. Even if that means being single, because essentially that's what you're going to be considering you can't hang out with her on a regular basis, or take her places. The most interaction you're going to have is talking to her on the telephone. No offense to you or anyone else that has done this and is doing it, but unless one of you plans on moving in with each other at some point, it's probably one of the dumbest things in the world you can do.

    Be friends with her, because that's all it essentially is, a real close friendship in the end.

    Coal Arcane on
  • KyouguKyougu Registered User regular
    edited October 2006
    I really shouldn't be, but damn, I'm surprised at how many people's experiences mirror my own. Seriously, online relationships rarely if ever work out, specially such long distance away.

    Kyougu on
  • ege02ege02 __BANNED USERS
    edited October 2006
    Is the main problem that the relationship (if it can be called that) online, or that it's long-distance?

    ege02 on
  • ViolentChemistryViolentChemistry __BANNED USERS
    edited October 2006
    ege02 wrote:
    Is the main problem that the relationship (if it can be called that) online, or that it's long-distance?
    It seems to me that the main problem is that she wants to go out with a real boy. But then I read the post.

    ViolentChemistry on
  • blue powderblue powder Registered User
    edited November 2006
    I think it's a bad idea that you consider this thing a relationship, you know? I think it's great that you have her as a friend, but untill it's actually plausable to meet in person and have a propper relatoinship then i'd say just stay friends with her.

    Go out and meet some real girls, you'll be a lot happier. I know it's hard to do, but just give it a go, ask friends if they can help you out in meeting people.

    Essentially you're both teenagers, and this girl is most likely going to go out with this guy whether you say so or not, only because it's in person snd she has needs etc.

    Just don't take this too seriously because she most likely wont if she gets the oppurtunity. I might be wrong, but I think it's very likely.

    blue powder on
  • ceresceres When the last moon is cast over the last star of morning And the future has past without even a last desperate warningRegistered User, Moderator mod
    edited November 2006
    I've had internet relationships work to varying degrees, and my current one started off that way. We move into our apartment tomorrow.

    Therefore you can probably tell that I am pro-internet relationship.

    The problem here is that she already wants to see someone else, and you're both under 18 anyway. Let this one go. Whether or not you wish to stay close friends with her is another matter, and entirely up to you. Your answer may even start out being one way, and then end up another. It's all good.. but trying to keep the relationship here is a bad idea.

    ceres on
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  • PentPent Registered User regular
    edited November 2006
    the obvious answer to this is to just have some on the side with her while she sees this guy XD

    Pent on
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  • DynamiteKidDynamiteKid Registered User
    edited November 2006
    Pent wrote:
    the obvious answer to this is to just have some on the side with her while she sees this guy XD

    Oh just go and die.

    It would appear the advice on here is pretty unanimous.

    Of course what we tell him is easier said than done. Even in a net relationship, what you know should be done isn't always so easy...

    DynamiteKid on
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This discussion has been closed.