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Breaking it gently
Anarchia
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
I feel so weird asking for relationship advice, since I thought that I would never need it, but something's come up and I don't know how to handle it.
Really long wall-o-text behind the spoiler.
TLDR: Boy likes me, but hasn't said anything. I don't like him back. How do I turn him down if he's too shy to say anything?
Really long wall-o-text behind the spoiler.
I'm a college girl, and I've never been in a relationship. Never wanted one, and I still don't want one. Whatever it is inside of peoples' heads that give them romantic inclinations just never activated in me. I feel affection in the friends sort of way, but not the kind of thing for relationships. And when I explain this to people, they either accept it, or claim that I just haven't met the right person yet. I find that mildly annoying, what with them totally ignoring what I said and presuming to know more about me than I do, but I've mostly gotten used to it.
Right now, I'm dealing with one of the people that takes the haven't-met-the-right-person-yet views. Although he hasn't actually said he likes me, it's damn obvious, even to me, who has absolutely no relationship experience, that he has a major crush on me. When he says that I haven't met the right person, his voice just has this wistful quality to it, like he desperately hopes that he's that guy. He's even bought extra equipment for some of his hobbies (nothing extremely expensive, but I'd say around the 20-30 dollar mark) in the hopes of luring me into them, although he at least had the subtlety of getting enough that he's ostensibly inviting me and my room mate, and not just trying to get me. However, he doesn't like my room mate too much, so even the act of inviting her too is a pretty clear indicator of his feelings.
I've been rather nice to him, so I somewhat understand his feelings, but the way I act around him is exactly the same way that I act around my friends. The thing is, most of my friends moved off-campus this year, so he hasn't really had a chance to see me with them much despite the fact that I still hang with them on a regular basis. So, the fact that I use my meal plan to hoard candy to give to all of my friends or that I have a tendency to sit on the same couch instead of the opposite one with everybody probably just looks like special attention to him.
And crappedy, crap, crap, I just realized one of the major things that I did that probably keeps validating his views to himself. A few weeks ago I dragged him a long to a Halloween dance because a bunch of my friends were going and he lives in the same dorms as me, and also because I think he needs to meet more people. And we ended up going as a costumed couple because I informed him about fifteen minutes before it began, and he didn't have a costume, and, because my costume was marker-themed, I just scribbled all over him and declared him my victim. And then proceeded to talk to him for most of the night because he was shyer than I thought and didn't socialize with too many people and I felt guilty for him being all alone after I dragged him along so I just kept talking to him.
The knowledge that he thinks that I'm initiating a relationship when I'm not just makes me feel really awkward around him, which I don't like because, A) it's awkward, and
I do like him as a friend. But he hasn't admitted to anything yet, and I just don't have the relationship experience necessary to know how to nip this type of thing in the bud without just blazenly stomping all over his feelings. How can I break this to him gently without ruining the friendship we have now?
Also, how can I not send crazy-ass mixed signals in the future? I didn't realize until I made this post exactly how much I was encouraging this without realizing it.
Right now, I'm dealing with one of the people that takes the haven't-met-the-right-person-yet views. Although he hasn't actually said he likes me, it's damn obvious, even to me, who has absolutely no relationship experience, that he has a major crush on me. When he says that I haven't met the right person, his voice just has this wistful quality to it, like he desperately hopes that he's that guy. He's even bought extra equipment for some of his hobbies (nothing extremely expensive, but I'd say around the 20-30 dollar mark) in the hopes of luring me into them, although he at least had the subtlety of getting enough that he's ostensibly inviting me and my room mate, and not just trying to get me. However, he doesn't like my room mate too much, so even the act of inviting her too is a pretty clear indicator of his feelings.
I've been rather nice to him, so I somewhat understand his feelings, but the way I act around him is exactly the same way that I act around my friends. The thing is, most of my friends moved off-campus this year, so he hasn't really had a chance to see me with them much despite the fact that I still hang with them on a regular basis. So, the fact that I use my meal plan to hoard candy to give to all of my friends or that I have a tendency to sit on the same couch instead of the opposite one with everybody probably just looks like special attention to him.
And crappedy, crap, crap, I just realized one of the major things that I did that probably keeps validating his views to himself. A few weeks ago I dragged him a long to a Halloween dance because a bunch of my friends were going and he lives in the same dorms as me, and also because I think he needs to meet more people. And we ended up going as a costumed couple because I informed him about fifteen minutes before it began, and he didn't have a costume, and, because my costume was marker-themed, I just scribbled all over him and declared him my victim. And then proceeded to talk to him for most of the night because he was shyer than I thought and didn't socialize with too many people and I felt guilty for him being all alone after I dragged him along so I just kept talking to him.
The knowledge that he thinks that I'm initiating a relationship when I'm not just makes me feel really awkward around him, which I don't like because, A) it's awkward, and
I do like him as a friend. But he hasn't admitted to anything yet, and I just don't have the relationship experience necessary to know how to nip this type of thing in the bud without just blazenly stomping all over his feelings. How can I break this to him gently without ruining the friendship we have now?Also, how can I not send crazy-ass mixed signals in the future? I didn't realize until I made this post exactly how much I was encouraging this without realizing it.
TLDR: Boy likes me, but hasn't said anything. I don't like him back. How do I turn him down if he's too shy to say anything?
SteamID : LizWiz
Anarchia on
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Don't say "I don't want a relationship right now," because he'll assume that when you do want a relationship, you'll have feelings for him then.
Don't do it in front of anyone else, but do it face to face.
Personally, I think you're putting way too much thought into this. You said he's shy, maybe he's just the kind of guy that likes having just a few really close friends.
Anyways, unless he does something about it, you have nothing to worry about. And if he does, you know where you stand.
edit: beaten TWICE
No, I'm pretty certain he likes me. If I even mention to him that I'm going to do something and ask him if he wants to come too, he does every time, and then I learn later from his other friends that he just totally ditched things that he had planned with them to do a spur of the moment thing with me. Even if my "plans" are only wandering off-campus to hang out with my friends, which I keep trying to introduce him to because my social group is like some kind of nerd hivemind.
And when it comes to telling him away from everyone else, 98% of my interaction with him is in a group context. In fact, I don't think I've ever actually been around him without my room mate. I do a *lot* of stuff with her. The only reason he doesn't like her is that she keeps cracking gay jokes about him because he fits a few of the stereotypes. I haven't been able to bash it into her head yet that just because he isn't doesn't make the jokes unoffensive.
So, the only way I could probably see him alone would be if I actively tried to arrange it that way. Which I see, again, as pretty awkward.
So are you spending time with him because you enjoy it, or because you feel sorry for him?
That's exactly what I thought.
And don't be surprised if he takes it badly. I was once in a very similar situation as the guy and it was pretty devastating when she told me. But I ultimately was glad she did.
I'm trying to think back to how this got handled with me... One of the things that I think would really help is having him witness you show the same behavior towards other people. Heck, even if the thought "Oh, she's just really friendly" didn't trigger with him, he might go, "Man, she flirts with everybody. I don't think I want to go out with a girl who's such a flirt!" Try to come up with subtle ways to make it totally clear that you aren't interested. Go on a date and then recount it to a few friend (him included.)
The "I'm not interested in you" conversation is a harsh one indeed, and I see it being TOTALLY awkward before he comes out and tells you he's interested in you. I could be off-base, but I think it might be better if he figured it out himself.
Its going to be awkward, but its up to you whether that moment of awkwardness is worth clearing the air and/or potentially damaging the friendship.
On a semantics side, I don't think you want to say "I'm not looking for a relationship" because no one is ever going to take that for an answer if they really like someone. And you don't want to rule anything out for yourself/have to explain yourself later either. It's "I don't like you that way and never will. I'm sorry, but that's how it is."
Yea this is pretty clear. How many people do you ever see actually follow the path from "I'm not looking" to "ok guys now I'm looking" to relationship? It's almost always "I'm not looking" to "so I'm dating this one person now he/she is sooooooo awesome...". Just be honest with the fact you don't "like" like him. And in the future, avoid things with him that could be taken ambiguously, for example going to a dance as a costumed "couple." You know what WILL break this friendship? You tell him you don't like him, you guys continue to hang out, and he keeps having people tell him they thought you two were dating because of how you were interacting.
PSN: TheScrublet
That's why I keep trying to get him to hang around with my friends, so that he'll realize that. The problem is, for whatever reason there aren't a lot of guys in my social group, maybe two or three. And due to jobs/night classes, they aren't around when he is. So, the fact that I'm giving other *girls* candy and sitting next to them and stuff doesn't get that kind of reaction from him.
As to going on random dates with other guys, I haven't dated, *ever.* I have at no point in my life desired a boyfriend. And he has been around me long enough to be around when that topic comes up. Mostly because some of my other friends will complain about not having boyfriends and I just don't see why that's a big deal. And every single person that I would classify as a friend and not just an acquaintance knows that as well. So, I have no clue how he would react to that, or even how to set something like that up.
So, he knows I'm not looking for a relationship, period. That hasn't seemed to dissuade him, however, and just makes me think that he'll be more hesitant to bring it up.
eternalbl:
I hang out with him because I *do* like him as a friend. In fact, if I didn't see him as having potential to be a really good friend, I would have already dropped him like a rock and ran for the hills already. A similar situation arose my freshman year, but he was actually able to admit his feelings, and I really only saw him as an acquaintance. I immediately started limiting contact with him, although it was mostly because his admission of feelings wasn't so much an admission, as that he declared us boyfriend and girlfriend without asking me first.
I want this taken care of because I want to continue being friends with him. If it just keeps on festering, I'm going to have to end up avoiding him, simply because I feel guilty about him ignoring his other friends and feeling that he's doing it for something that I'm never going to grant him.
You can say this until you're blue in the face, but assuming that he believed it would be a mistake.
PSN: TheScrublet
and then take the knife out slowly while twisting it
Yeah, I think it's pretty rare to find somebody who is in no way interested in having a relationship, so it's a hard thing to understand or believe/accept. Humans aren't typically asexual creatures :P.
Actually, this is probably the best way to get the message across without being direct and honest.
I can has cheezburger, yes?
I very much doubt this would work. What's more likely is IF he even started dating this friend, he would always rather wish he was dating the OP. And now a two-person awkward situation is now a threesome.
PSN: TheScrublet
Not necessarily. This is assuming he is madly in love with the OP. Maybe he just wants to be in a relationship in general more than with the OP specifically (and being socially awkward, she is the best shot he's got at the moment).
But yeah, either saying you love him like a brother or trying to set him up with a friend of yours should get the message across.
Television tells me that it has hilarious consequences!
But seriously, discourage any romantic-ish behaviour. Encourage hanging out in group situations, rather than one-on-one time.
Tell him you think he smells like fish and looks like a leper.... No, wait, not that.
If you don't think you could drop the hint any more and still even pretend you're being subtle, then maybe you do need to just have the chat. Be firm if and when you do it, don't leave any room for uncertainty or hope. Romance is a brutal wasteland, littered with burned out cars and disfigured mutants from all the radiation. Much like Fallout 3. Guys like me (and possibly him) don't take the hint easily, and they're pretty tenacious with hope. Part of it is that nerdy girls are so hard to come by. Even if he's only crushing on you, and not actually-- when you get deep down to it-- compatible with you, if he's never had any luck with girls at all and suddenly this nerdy, fun girl is nice and sweet to him... That's the closest thing to a working definition for girlfriend that he might have. Use sock puppets, if necessary. I did a quick google, apparently some people have done powerpoint presentations for this sort of thing?
I'm probably kidding too much in there. Just be forthright, honest and open. "You're really cool, I like hanging out with you. I have no interest in dating you and I never will. I am not attracted to you. However, I think you're an awesome friend. I would really like you to be happy; I hope we can keep hanging out." Be prepared for tears. I'm just saying.
Don't worry yourself too much over this.
The reason people don't believe you when you say "I'm not interested in a relationship, never have been, never will be," is because it goes against something we all take to be a basic part of human nature. Like Douglas Adams said, sometimes, the only possible explanations given the relevant evidence are fundamentally not plausible, in that they require people to believe that someone would act in way that is fundamentally not reasonable for a human to act. They are forced to examine the possibility that things are not as they seem. Most of the time, people will default to believing that you're lying or that you're just waiting for someone special. If they are a truly special person, they will default to the belief that you are actually an extra terrestrial being of some sort. (those are the keepers, IMO)
The reason I say this is to warn you never to even bring up your lack of romanticism while turning someone down, because they will be simply incapable of believing you, and assume you are making excuses or are wrong about the way you feel. (or they will run screaming looking for the number to SETI. This is highly unlikely)
We're operating under the assumption that she is correct in her assessment that it's obvious he is attracted to her and just too shy to say anything.
Edit: And also that it seems very likely he is taking her attention as a sign that she is attracted to him.
I really would not advise an indirect approach. Its a gross generalization, but women do seem to to communicate in a more indirect fashion then men are used to using, or are able to pick up on.
This is no one's fault, but if you want to resolve the situation, a straight up, if awkward "I'm not interested in anything more than friendship with you" is probably the best bet.
I can get that, but I'm having a hard time understanding how it's affecting the OP. From her comments, it doesn't seem like he's doing anything creepy or obsessive like is he? If I'm hanging around someone and they suddenly make it a point to tell me that they're not interest in me that way, that could put me off even of just a friendship you know?
I do think everyone should read this thread though, because, like someone already pointed out, if it was the guy making the thread, everyone would be like "Dude, man up, she wants more."
Anyway...I've had a lot of boys crush on me, because I'm fairly cute, I'm nice to people even though they are nerdy/awkward, I myself have a lot of really nerdy/geeky interests even though I don't always come off socially as a nerd(AKA I have good social skills and well rounded interests besides just role-playing/video games).
Anyway, many of my friends end up being male because like was said before it can be hard to find girls with geekier interests. I've had a lot of really nerdy or awkward male friends who don't get much female attention...and while I act a lot like "one of the guys" I still have boobs and I listen when people want to talk about their feelings so I'm often not thought of as "one of the guys". I empathize with people very well, and I think my biggest problem with these crush things is that I'm not attracted to many people romantically or sexually at all(I suppose like you, just more very picky rather than uninterested), but I really didn't want to hurt their feelings.
There are a few ways to handle this, if you are socially graceful. You can go the direct route, but if you really care about this guy and think it would hurt him there are a few other things you can try first. If you can do it, without coming off like you're hitting on him or sounding insincere you could tell him that you really appreciate his friendship because sometimes guys take it hard when they find out you aren't interested in a relationship and you're glad to have a guy friend who respects how you feel/how you want to live your life. Or that you're glad to have found a friend that romance crap doesn't get in the way of you hanging out and being friends.
If he's quick on the uptake he might read between the lines that you're giving him a hint while not forcing him to lose face and get all awkward. If he's not, but he really does respect you and like your friendship he at the very least won't hit on you/ask you out...and may very well calm down a bit to show you that he can be a good friend.
The biggest thing is to let him down easily and discourage him over time. If you really want the friendship patience is the key. A crush is a powerful, irrational thing. It's different than love...it's not calm, or reasonable it's just there screaming "Oh, he/she is so great. Pleeeease let them like me too." and they don't want to be rationalized with. BUT with time you can rationalize them and they do fade. If you discourage him while letting him know you value the friendship but *do not want* anything more, treat him like you do now, like the rest of your friends but give him some time to let it fade and just ignore his 'puppy love'. I don't think you should have to change how you act...if you're a friendly person and want to invite him out or to a party you shouldn't sit and worry about whether it will make him think you're in love with him. Just reiterate over and over friendship and unless there's just something wrong with the guy, he should calm down about it.
I have some really good friends that used to have crushes on me, and now they don't...it took awhile, but if I'd just cut them off for feeling something that they couldn't really help I would've felt bad.
I'm just not used to being liked this way. My best-friend-evar is male, and when we went to high school together no one ever got a crush on me, that I was aware of at least, because they always assumed that the two of us were a couple because we hung out together so much. So, he's not actually being creepy, but merely him having a crush on me weirds me out to a certain extent.
And when he does stuff like ditching his friends to hang out with me, that weirds me out even further. No, not creepy, but it makes me feel bad for his friends, especially since he's pretty much doing it in the hopes of eventually having a relationship with me, which I just won't deliver on.
Thylacine:
Yeah, I've heard about AVEN before, and I'm pretty sure that that's what I am. I don't entirely identify with them, however, because most of them seem to still have a sex drive, another thing I lack. And if someone already believes that I can't be disinterested in relationships, it usually doesn't really help that much to point out that there's other people like me out there.
And I totally know how irrational crushes can be. I've had to deal with my current roommate having a MASSIVE crush on this one guy for the past two years despite barely talking to him. She's had to restrain herself from stalking him and only recently started being able to breath and talk coherently while in the same room as him. I'm just glad that this guy seems to have a relatively mild crush.
I don't think he's going to burst into tears or anything if I tell him I'm not interested, but I fully expect an expression on his face like I kicked his puppy. Repeatedly. And then awkwardness in group situations.
I just don't think that I'm going to work all that well at dropping hints, so I guess I'm going to have to talk to him at some point. I just don't know how to smoothly bring it up if he won't.
"Hey, I want to talk to you about something"
There's no completely smooth, awkwardness free way to do this sort of thing.
So maybe start treating him a bit differently? I really don't want this to be a "It's your fault!" kind of post, but if you're THAT uncomfortable with the idea of someone having a crush on you, you might want to rethink the way you treat certain people. As Help and Advice clearly shows, a lot of guys aren't good at signals, and will take them the wrong way(or, not even see them when there are actual signs)
If the guy was clearly doing something where he showed his feelings for you, fawning over you, buying presents, stalking you, then yeah, it's time for a talk. But what if he honestly knows that you don't want a relationship, but still has a crush on you? You talking to him about it ain't going to help things.
I always make it a point to discourage crushes(either directly or indirectly I've done both), but if I actually like the person as a friend I make sure *not* to treat them differently after I tell them that its not going to happen. Usually I will still go out of my way to still invite them places and still hang out and be friendly.
Some might call this mixed messages, but I don't think so. It's hard to be told "I don't like you like that. Lets be friends." you end up in the weird zone where you don't know if it's okay to still ask the person who told you they're not interested to hang out and do things...it's just not an easy place to be in. I don't like treating people differently because I don't want to punish them for their feelings.
I think, especially if you have to be like "hey, can we talk? I feel like you're attracted to me...but it's just not going to happen. I don't feel that way about you, but I still want to be your friend." then you have to be the one to reach out to keep that friendship alive for a little bit while the crush dies. Yes, depending on how things go you might want to give the person some time, but this guy doesn't seem to be crushing hard or anything...it just seems like he likes the OP, and there's certainly nothing wrong with that despite that she's not interested.
Maybe I just have a soft heart for people(as long as they're not being totally irrational). I'm also good at reading people as well, or knowing what to say and staying calm. I know the way I work doesn't work for everyone.
Yea, I see your point, and I know I'm probably thinking along my lines because I been there, where the girl made it clear she just wanted to be friends. And I was totally cool with that, and had no hopes of changing her mind. To me, it's the same as if she had told me she had a boyfriend.
Anarchia has made it clear that she doesn't want a boyfriend at all. And the guy, seems to undestand this. He isn't trying to win her over, ( I know he spent money on his hobby to get her interest, but I done that, with guy friends even), and he so far respects her choice.
But she still seems to be uncomfortable with even the idea that he has a crush on her. Talking to him about it won't necessarily change his mind on the matter. It's not like he can just turn the crush on and off. In fact, the guy might take it personally, akin to "Yea, I know, you have made that quite clear" and get annoyed. I kinda would.
Whether the OP likes it or not, people might end up liking her and having a crush on you. Doesn't mean you have to do anything about it, and doesn't mean the ones crushing will do anything about it either.
Assume Boy Likes OP
As the OP, you can let it lie, but you would then run the risk of hurting him when he DOES make a move, and then later on be accused of "leading him on."
I am an advocate of tactful confrontation. That is, make it very and absolutely clear what your thoughts are on the matter without speaking directly to the issue at hand. How do you do this? One day, when you're hanging out with the boy, find a way to tell him what you think of him as a person. Honestly.
"You know, you're a really nice guy. A bit shy, maybe, but you don't really have a reason to be. You're a good friend and I'm glad I have you."
Then drop a subtly disguised bomb by adding, "You know, I have a girl friend of mine who I think you'd be perfect for. Want me to set you guys up?" OR "I'm sick of all these guys I hang out with hoping that they're the ones who'll 'change my mind.' I'm glad I don't get that from you, I respect you a lot for it."
Now, in the event that he misinterprets this as you being hard to get or you testing the waters with your "girl friend," punch the point home with a "You're like a brother to me and that means so much to me, I'd never want it to change."
Emphasize that you value your friendship more than a relationship. He's obviously not going to buy the "asexual" argument, right? So you might as well push the "it ain't gonna happen because I don't think of you that way" point. There are a myriad of other ways to get this message across, but given the information that we have on the guy, this is mostly likely going to work.
Once this conversation's over and you're sure he gets the point, don't change how you act towards him unless you were being flirtatious (which you aren't, at least not intentionally). Be close to him, but now that's established your friendship is purely platonic, you should have a bit more breathing space.
You will also want to push him out of his shell a bit. Next time you're out, don't coddle him socially. If he stands in a corner, stop by on occasion and say hey to him, but otherwise let him fend for himself. It's a clear signal on top of a learning experience for him.
Assume Boy Doesn't Like OP
In this case, you obviously don't have to take any action, except for your own comfort's sake.
As I said, don't coddle him. Encourage him to find other friends and if you guys are out together, branch out. When you meet a new group of friends or people, introduce him to them, chat as a group, then you move on and leave him behind with that group. It'll yank him out of his shell sooner or later, so he won't be hovering around you as much.
No, it's not her responsibility to deal with them if they are butthurt, but at the same time if you care about someone and you have a snowball's chance of making sure they don't get hurt (even and especially if it's by you), then you'd want to take action to prevent it.
To be clear, what I've said in this thread I've based off of the assumption that the OP just doesn't want to hurt the guy in the future and that her personal comfort is a factor OF that.
I am also addressing this separately because it's a separate matter from the rest of your post.
The truth is that you aren't going to always be able to predict how your actions will be interpreted by another person. It's not your responsibility to make sure your signals aren't faulty, but if there is a way for you to reasonably reduce the chance for misinterpretation, then I'd say it's worth the avoidance of potential drama to do what you can. There ARE general precautions (if you want to call them that) that you can take.
These are GENERAL and do not necessarily apply to you, but let's assume you have a guy friend who's a close friend but not your BEST friend and you are worried he might possibly be taking certain things from you the wrong way.
1) Do not coddle. I mentioned this in a previous post. If a dude is shy of socially inept or clingy, don't feel sorry for him. It's not your job to fix him, and in fact spending more time with him guarantees a mixed signal. Hang out with him in groups and split your time among all members of that group evenly; don't feel tempted to "talk to him more because he's not talking to anyone else." Being coddled by you does not fix his problem. Introduce him to other friends and chat as a group, but talk to EVERYONE in the group; do not give him a sense of "two of us + all these other people." Also, if you disagree with him on something, say so.
2) Do not fish for compliments. This one is tricky because a lot of times girls don't know they're doing it, but try to avoid asking for this guy's validation on things like your personality, looks, or interests. It leads him to think that you care TOO much what he thinks. It's all right of course to ask a friend to confirm if something looks good on you, but for god's sake leave it at that.
3) Don't whore for attention. Again, as girls, this is hard-wired into your psyche whether you like it or not. Hell, one could say this is true of men AND women. But the point I'm trying to make here is to not constantly seek out THIS PERSON's attention or opinion on every little thing.
4) Remind him that you are friends. Remind him at every juncture that you guys are friends, that you value that more than anything else, and you would never ever change it.
5) Be mindful of physical contact. This is especially true of guys who are very shy. A hug when you greet them is nice, but don't do (or allow) much more than that. Don't cuddle on a sofa, don't rest your cheek on his shoulder. To be fair, this is perfectly okay to do in general with a friend, but MAKE SURE HE KNOWS THAT YOU ARE JUST FRIENDS. If you are concerned about mixed signals, this will be a big one.
6) Avoid situations wherein you may be considered a "couple". Sometimes, this can't be helped, but if it can be, avoid it. Invite friends along to join you. If you two ARE out as just the two of you and you get mistaken for a couple, laugh and make a joke about it, making it clear that you are in no way taking that possibility seriously.
7) Spread the love. Don't make him your only go-to person for all things emotional and such. If you have problems and need to bitch, don't make him the only guy who hears it, or he'll read too much into him being your "confidant." Talk to other friends about it, too, and if appropriate, reference such conversations by saying things like "I was telling Jason about it, too, and HE thought that blah blah but I dunno what do you think?" (Keep in mind that if he's your best friend, you shouldn't have to worry about mixed signals anyway!)
8) Learn from your mistakes. You know what I mean. 'Nuff said.
Just thought I'd throw that out there.
Usually my intentions for defusing a potentially bad situation before it even starts is because I am drama-fucking-phobic.
You have to be firm if it turns out he has a thing for you. Telling the guy 'I'm not ready for a relationship' is all well and good, but depending on their personality, they might spend the next year thinking 'okay, she wasn't ready then.. but what about later?' Best to make him realize that it's never going to happen and just change gears right now. It sucks, yes, but it's better than spending a year chasing after something that's never going to happen.
Like Viv said, you want to break it to him gently but firmly. Don't say something like 'it's never going to happen, get over it', but at the same time make sure you don't leave the faint embers of hope still burning in his heart. That's my input - I had a similar talk a while back, and it turned out that she spent the next six months hoping I was going to be ready for a relationship someday and turn to her. That's not a healthy situation for anyone.
Honestly it sounds like he gets it, he just thinks you're awesome anyway. People can't really help who they like, and punching him in the balls while he seems to be conducting himself appropriately seems... well, it seems odd, OP.
I mean, here's this guy, he seems to be respecting your decision, but thinks to himself, hey, no matter if theres nothing more than friends, I am at one with that- I like spending time with this person. So far, he seems perfectly capable of putting the greater good - your comfort- ahead of his own desires. If one must draw a line, I mean, isn't that where you would want it?
When I look at what you want changed, in terms of behavior, there isn't much there. You enjoy his company, you have a laugh or two, you are comfortable with him. He isnt pressing you or pressuring you; it seems that what bothers you are the subtle details that he likes you, a lot.
As the story goes, its a nice thing to want him to not like you as much because it would be easier for him in the long run. Sooner or later, you feel he's going to want something that isn't possible. And your choice is, why not be fucking blatant now to save him from heartache, or allow him to have his own feelings and choices, and suffer through the consequences.
Is he retarded or 'special' in some way? Is there no way he could have actually picked up the impossibility of a relationship and still want to hang with you? I don't want to minimize your own instincts, if you think he wants more he probably does. But if he's decided that your company is a positive enough thing as it is, why do you feel obligated to shove that line in his face?
Gah. I'm probably coming off as too defensive, when I know full well that displayed attraction from an unwanted source is an uncomfortable thing all of its own accord. And that part is true, and if it really bothers you, you should act. But it could easily go another way, and that way lies in the simple acceptance of that person and their feelings. Does it matter if he's attracted to you? Why? What does any of that have to do with you? So you don't like him back, big effing deal. If you're good with that and he's good with that, then it's all good.
There's a ton of reasons it may not work out as a friendship. Lots of things can come up as deal breakers. Mishandled attraction can certainly be one of them. But this guy... just the way you talk about him and describe his actions, it really sounds as though he gets your signals clearer than you do. It sounds like he already knows, he's just.. okay with it.
Why aren't you okay with it? Is it the unfairness factor? Is he not the kind of person you want to be around? Does he treat you badly? Or is the reminder of that attraction, even in the little details, something you find distasteful? The weirdest thing about reading your posts, is that you describe him as one does a reasonably good friend- not the closest, but a decent person to hang with. Not as someone to avoid, or something offensive or unattractive. And yet, the thought of him having feelings for you- not his behavior, his personality or his actions, thats what you want to stop.
So I'm not going to give advice on breaking things gently. Because from how you describe the situation, you need to suck it up. You can't go around manipulating other people's feelings just to satisfy your own whims about what you want them to do or how you want people to be like. If you were trying to actively manipulate someone into being attracted to you, I'd tell you to fuck off.
This is this same kind of situation, though an interesting twist, where you are actively seeking to change how someone feels, by manipulating a friendship. (Not how they behave, that's different - if you don't like the behavior, by all means act against the behavior. Next time he sighs, tell him to stop, and if he doesn't, don't hang with him any more.) Not because of a lack in his character, but because of a lack in yours.
You can't deal with someone having feelings for you. Okay, thats fine, but that is your problem. And you know you're right; maybe if you stab some guy in the heart for something that is actually your own issue, his feelings for you may be cured. Mine would be. Lets not pretend you're doing him some kind of favor. You're doing yourself a favor by taking the easy way out, and you are planning for him to pay the price.
If you really are asexual, and yet still social, then you're going to need friends. If you like variety, then some are going to be male, and if you've got a beating heart and something to say, some of them will fall for you. It seems like a good idea to figure out how to deal with that situation, not in a pointing out cards you've no doubt already played kind of way, but in a life is what it is and so are people kind of way.
People have a right to their feelings, just as you have a right to not have them. Address behavior, that is something people can negotiate and change. Feelings are not negotiable, they are what they are. Unless his behavior is somehow unacceptable, and it might be, given how much of ones actions are affected by attraction, maybe try some acceptance. It goes down smoother and leaves less of an after taste.
Granted, us dudes need to cut the shit out with the romantic-comedy behavior, especially when we have been "let down easy." But that's another problem. Right now, you need to just take Viv's advice. The guy hasn't come out and said anything yet, so a preemptive strike would be awkward either way, especially if it turns out that he doesn't like you. But if it does come down to him confessing all, then you need to tell him directly that you're flattered but uninterested--follow up with an explanation that you appreciate him as a dear friend but nothing will change that. He might be distraught, but you can't cave and give him something to latch onto. Words like "maybe" or "right now" are dangerous, and will likely give him false hope that you two would be together, and then the romantic-comedy behavior kicks in, and the friendship is ruined and irreconcilable.