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How to beat the wall, or at least out run it?
Slainbylich
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Skip down a bit if you don't want to slog through the background.
This forum has been a good source of advice and viewpoints in the past, so I figure I'd try to get some illumination on my current predicament. Basically, for the past year and a half I've been struggling with depression and a general state of self-hatred. Some weeks were better than others, and I've been slowly putting myself together into something functional. I've been in talk therapy for a year now, and started on sertraline back in august when it became clear that things weren't working on their own. Since then I've expanded my interests, have gotten a little more involved in other people, and have started working out regularly(which is the only thing I can point at and say with no doubt; this is a good thing).
My predicament is this; despite the obvious improvements I've made to my life I still feel this sense that I'm missing something really important. It's like knowing you're late for a critical appointment, but don't know where it is. All the time.
At first I thought maybe it was because I've never been involved in a serious male-female relationship. I mean, I'll be turning 24 soon and I've never as much landed a kiss on a lady. So, "why not?" I said to myself "My friends seem to fucking stumble into them even when they don't want a relationship. Clearly with some effort and being myself, I shouldn't have any issues at least progressing that field."
*wrong* No one wants you to be yourself, they want you to be what they want.
This chews at me, and fuels the low level anger that grinds at me when I'm left alone with time to think.
So, I said "Clearly this is a sign that I should be focusing on improving myself, maybe some new interests and stuff to do will keep me from wanting to strangle everyone that says 'it will happen some day, just be patient'. Idle hands and all that." Well, that worked slightly. I've picked up some new activities that I can pass the time with, but I'm lacking any sense of deeper enjoyment out of them.
Which leaves me here, trying not to curl up into a ball and die, while trying to figure out what the fuck is making me want to do that.
This forum has been a good source of advice and viewpoints in the past, so I figure I'd try to get some illumination on my current predicament. Basically, for the past year and a half I've been struggling with depression and a general state of self-hatred. Some weeks were better than others, and I've been slowly putting myself together into something functional. I've been in talk therapy for a year now, and started on sertraline back in august when it became clear that things weren't working on their own. Since then I've expanded my interests, have gotten a little more involved in other people, and have started working out regularly(which is the only thing I can point at and say with no doubt; this is a good thing).
My predicament is this; despite the obvious improvements I've made to my life I still feel this sense that I'm missing something really important. It's like knowing you're late for a critical appointment, but don't know where it is. All the time.
At first I thought maybe it was because I've never been involved in a serious male-female relationship. I mean, I'll be turning 24 soon and I've never as much landed a kiss on a lady. So, "why not?" I said to myself "My friends seem to fucking stumble into them even when they don't want a relationship. Clearly with some effort and being myself, I shouldn't have any issues at least progressing that field."
*wrong* No one wants you to be yourself, they want you to be what they want.
This chews at me, and fuels the low level anger that grinds at me when I'm left alone with time to think.
So, I said "Clearly this is a sign that I should be focusing on improving myself, maybe some new interests and stuff to do will keep me from wanting to strangle everyone that says 'it will happen some day, just be patient'. Idle hands and all that." Well, that worked slightly. I've picked up some new activities that I can pass the time with, but I'm lacking any sense of deeper enjoyment out of them.
Which leaves me here, trying not to curl up into a ball and die, while trying to figure out what the fuck is making me want to do that.
Slainbylich on
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women want you to be yourself, but frankly, if yourself is unpleasant, creepy, unwashed, or off-putting, then really, NO ONE wants you to be yourself.
If you are any of those things, perhaps self-improvement is a good place to start.
The first thing you should do is make sure that you like who you are. Do you dislike who you are? I don't mean could you stand to lose a few pounds or do you wish you could play the guitar or something, I mean on a basic level, do you like who you are? If not, don't worry about women. Worry about yourself. Make yourself the person you want to be.
So, you like who you are now? Great. What do you like to do? Go do that. Preferably in social settings. That's where you'll find prospective women. Trick is, don't just go roller skating hoping to find other women who go roller skating. Go roller skating because you like roller skating. If you meet a cool chick, yay. If not, well, that's not the main reason you were there, so no big.
You can't create a relationship just because you want to create a relationship. You have to dumb-luck into it. You can stick yourself in situations that will improve your luck, of course, but you really just need to not worry about it. Like who you are, be assertive and at least somewhat outgoing, and do what you like to do. Everything else will fall into place eventually.
My main concerns are that; 1) I'll never be who I want to be. Of course, If I knew what I wanted, this would be easier to ascertain. and 2) I'm not trying to mold myself into whatever shape is appealing to whomever I meet, I do try to be myself, honest. I don't pretend to like something just for the chance to hang out more with a person, though if it's something I've never done I'll give it a shot before shooting it down.
I know that looking specifically for a relationship probably isn't going to work. I mean, there are books and such about accelerating that process, but that requires a suaveness I do not possess.
@Sentry: Sociability. My friends say I'm nice and a good listener. To the new people I've met I _guess_ I'm acceptable. I've put a lot more time into my looks and the finer details, so I wouldn't call myself unwashed.
Creepy/Off putting: I'm going to assume that by off putting you mean "asshole", which is a no(though that seems to work for everyone else). Creepy- This is one trait I take specific effort not exude. Everything I do or say I scan through at least 3 or 4 times to make sure it couldn't be misconstrued as creepy.
I just feel so disconnected. This is all starting to circle again into something that will end up with me breaking something, I can feel it. Bah.
I think Jeffe hit on the main point. When people say they want you to Be Yourself... what they mean is, they want you to be confident in who you are. Really, all social interaction boils down to confidence. If you have it, people will respond well to you. If you don't, you have to try that much harder. Without confidence, you're kind of like Sisyphus pushing a boulder up a hill... every social interaction will just take that much more effort.
Judging by your posts, you don't seem to be really confident in who you are. Yeah, you do say "fuck it, I'm not changing" but that doesn't seem to be because you are happy with the end result.
I hate the cycle of no confidence -> no one likes you -> oh look, no confidence.
The worst part is, I can't even drink myself into a stupor, so I'm stuck sitting in this cesspool of myself while trying to figure it all out.
Scratch that, the worst part is I want to be social. Every time I try it's like some invisible strongman grabs me by the neck and squeezes until I cant stand it anymore. I can see the path I have to take out of this shit, but I can't and I don't know why. This is so damn infuriating.
I was extremely introverted up until my first serious girlfriend, who was extremely extroverted, and she opened up the shell I'd been hiding in. Perhaps what you need is someone to toss you into the pool, someone you trust to bail you out of it after you've gulped a bit too much water down.
I don't know what to do. I can look at a conversation and break down the components, interest, banter, etc etc. I can even structure them in my head, but when it comes time to fill in the blank, I blank.
Approaching people cold, that may as well be on the moon.
You can and will learn how as long as you expose yourself to it for long enough, that's just how learning works. Just remember, people are genuinely interested in people. They like to be sociable, just like you, you just have a harder time with it.
Just let it flow man, be yourself around people and complete strangers. I say this without knowing what 'being yourself' is like, but everybody gets along with at least a few other people in the world.
There are a few easy questions that can get things going, and from there you just have to listen and it usually leads to something else interesting and you can ask another question. In that way it's fairly easy and natural, and typically people will return the same question.
In college it's always easy to get things going "What's you're major?" is a pretty common question. What kind of job do you have? So, how long has bike riding been a hobby of yours? blah blah blah...whatever. Something simple and non-invasive, as long as it's not creepy. People generally like to talk about themselves, especially with someone who is friendly and likes to listen. Listening actively and asking questions based on what they said shows that're you're paying attention and actively listening rather than following a practiced dialogue that's in your head.
If you ask someone something and they don't seem to want to talk or continue the conversation, then it's no big loss. People generally don't and shouldn't get mad at a stranger for being friendly.