Cover Letter Review Please.

Capt Howdy

I know some of you read this stuff for a living and I was hoping you could give me your thoughts on my cover letter. Any constructive advice is very much appreciated.


Dear (Employer)

I am writing you because I know my training, experience, and proven ability as a Tier One Computer Systems Technician, Network System Administrator, and Help Desk Technician will allow me to be a significant upgrade to your company's IT division.

As you will see in the attached resume, the United States Air force has provided with me highly valued skill and experience in all forms of troubleshooting, installation, maintenance, and problem resolution in the computer systems, network administration, and help desk/customer service field. I am trained in, and through experience, have learned the fine subtleties necessary for effective leadership. I also have the highly desired ability to break down the most complex software error solutions into a very simple user friendly fix action.

Clearly you are seeking IT professionals who have excellent software, hardware, and networking abilities. Please know, this is not only what I am trained to do, but what I love to do. By hiring me, you receive an accomplished professional who embodies what your company needs, and who lives by the core values of the United States Air Force; Integrity First, Service Before Self, and Excellence in all I do.

I know it will be mutually beneficial for us to meet and discuss the goals of your company and how my technical skills will help you achieve those goals. I will call your office in a few days to inquire about the possibility of a meeting.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Very Respectfully,

(Me)

cj iwakura

Maybe this is just my preference, but it seems a little presumptive, namely the 'as you will see' and 'clearly you are' parts. That could be good for some employers though, so if you think it'll work, go for it.

Personally, I'd phrase it along the lines of "I am experienced in [such and such], which I believe will make me an idea candidate for [position].


Also, this

Please know, this is not only what I am trained to do, but what I love to do.

Could be rephrased along the lines of

In addition to being skilled at this line of work, I am also very fond of it, and look forward to more opportunities in the field.

Lastly, instead of saying you'll call them, include your address and phone number at the top, and request that they contact you regarding any information they'd like regarding your resume, or to schedule a date when you can meet them in person.

Just how I'd put it, at least.


And instead of 'Very Respectfully', I think 'Regards,' sounds more professional.

Capt Howdy

cj iwakura wrote: »

Maybe this is just my preference, but it seems a little presumptive, namely the 'as you will see' and 'clearly you are' parts. That could be good for some employers though, so if you think it'll work, go for it.

Personally, I'd phrase it along the lines of "I am experienced in [such and such], which I believe will make me an idea candidate for [position].


Also, this

Please know, this is not only what I am trained to do, but what I love to do.

Could be rephrased along the lines of

In addition to being skilled at this line of work, I am also very fond of it, and look forward to more opportunities in the field.

Lastly, instead of saying you'll call them, include your address and phone number at the top, and request that they contact you regarding any information they'd like regarding your resume, or to schedule a date when you can meet them in person.

Just how I'd put it, at least.


And instead of 'Very Respectfully', I think 'Regards,' sounds more professional.

I left my addy out since I was posting it here. Most the personal info has been left out since I'm paranoid about posting on the general interwebs.

Very respectfully is an Air Force standard, and I'm applying for AF contracting jobs. Thank you for your comments though, I'm looking for any input I can recieve.

It doesn't come across as too cocky?

As Pikapuff can vouche for, it's very true to who I am and my skills. My fear is putting it into words before they meet me.

cj iwakura

Well, if it's Air Force standard, then by all means, leave it in. Considering that, then stuff along those lines should be fine.

I wouldn't call it cocky, just a little too forward for my tastes, but I like to take a more subdued approach.

Capt Howdy

cj iwakura wrote: »

Well, if it's Air Force standard, then by all means, leave it in. Considering that, then stuff along those lines should be fine.

I wouldn't call it cocky, just a little too forward for my tastes, but I like to take a more subdued approach.

See, thats where the bitch of this lies. I'm under the impression that my cover letter is supposed to make you want to read my resume. Others feel it's a chance to list a few extra things about you.

I hate the process, and wish it was more... streamlined.

Just a basic universal understanding is all I'm asking for damn it.

But thank you again. I like to know how people view these things so I can make an educated decision on how most handle the situation.

Capt Howdy

Anymore thoughts/ideas?

Thank you.

HK5

I'm going to second the "cocky" vote. It's a great letter and this is just nit picking really, but the overall tone of the letter is slightly aggressive to the point of being presumptive. If you don't immediately agree with all of CJ's suggestions, I would suggest picking just one to change and using that as a compromise. There is nothing wrong with trying to sell yourself and your resume, but if you come across as as too forward in your cover letter you set the wrong mood for them to be reading your resume in.

poshniallo

As a language geek, I think the tone is too forward, and too casual. Casual is more emotive, of course, but most employers prefer the formal tone and respect it more (even if they're unconscious as to why).

As an employer, I'm afraid to say I don't buy it. You sell yourself too strongly, and I wouldn't believe that anyone with the panoply of impressive skills and abilities you describe actually exists.

How about thinking of those area which are truly your strongest points, selling them, and then mentioning other areas where you are merely competent later on in the letter?

There are a couple of minor grammar points too - e.g. By hiring me you would receive (no comma, plus would, which is perhaps a stylistic choice).

Anyhow, that's my tuppence ha'penny.

stigweard

There are a couple of things that stand out as poor writing:

...will allow me to be a significant upgrade...

...break down the most complex software error solutions into a very simple user friendly fix action.

Your cover letter should include everything they need to know about you without the need to look at the rest of the resume* It also needs to be clear, concise, and exact. You are applying for a technical position that requires great attention to detail and being sloppy with your cover letter is a good way to be overlooked. Many times, the HR person looking over your resume knows little about the position you are applying for and is scanning for qualifiers. Being devoid of qualifications, your current letter won't do.

When you talk about your experience, note where it came from as well as any certs, awards or accolades you received while at those positions. Avoid awkward verbiage as noted above as well as being repetitive without saying anything. Avoid stating the obvious for no reason. Know a little bit about where you are applying and state why you want to work there on top of how it will be benefit to them.

If you are worried about showing us that information, leave a placeholder (information withheld or something appropriate like personal address)) so that we can have a better idea of the flow / what might be missing.

*Think of it as an executive overview as that is essentially what it is.

Hypatia

This is just an opinion and might be kind of nitpicky, but it might tone down your letter a bit:

Capt Howdy wrote: »

Dear (Employer):

I was under the impression that you should put a colon after it

Capt Howdy wrote: »

I am writing (to?) you (about which position specifically?). Remove: because I know my training, experience, and proven ability as a Tier One Computer Systems Technician, Network System Administrator, and Help Desk Technician Change: will allow me to be a significant upgrade to your company's IT division.

Basically I'd mention which position you're specifically looking at just because like some people have said, a lot of times the person initially receiving the letter/resume isn't the person who's actually doing the hiring, this makes it easier for them to sort the stuff coming in.

Also, I'd recommend against saying "I know" or anything like that, the theory being that beyond the job requirements they don't care if you know or think you know that you're a great guy, they'd rather decide that for themselves. If you remove the "I know" then it makes it sound more like just a plain statement of fact instead of your own opinion.

For "Will allow me to be a significant upgrade" maybe try "would be a great asset" or something similar? It sounds like there's an IT group that you're applying to be a part of. Lots of times if you get an interview there will be a guy from that IT division in that interview to make sure you know your stuff. Saying you're an upgrade to people who are there can sound pretty harsh and like you're slamming the current IT group. It just seems like not a great way to win people over.

Capt Howdy wrote: »

As you will see in the attached resume, the United States Air force has provided with me highly valued skill and experience in all forms of troubleshooting, installation, maintenance, and problem resolution in the computer systems, network administration, and help desk/customer service field. I am (Change maybe to trained and experienced in?) trained in, and through experience, have learned the (change to "techniques"?) fine subtleties necessary for effective leadership. I also have the Remove: highly desired ability to break down the most complex software error solutions into a very simple user friendly fix action.

The attached resume part is good stuff, I disagree with one of the previous posts and have been told you shouldn't repeat stuff on your resume in your cover letter.

So you mention "highly valued" and "highly desired" in this paragraph -- just as an opinion I'd let them decide whether or not they think those are valued or desired and instead just focus on stating them as facts. Basically: this is what I got.

The "provided me..." part, I don't know, it sounds very awkward. Maybe something like "my time in the United States Air Force has given me experience in dealing with all forms of..." etc.

The "trained in, and through experience" seems awkward too, if you can try to reword that. I'm kind of partial to leadership techniques rather than subtleties but that's a wording thing.

Capt Howdy wrote: »

Clearly you are seeking IT professionals who have excellent software, hardware, and networking abilities. Please know, this is not only what I am trained to do, but what I love to do. By hiring me, you receive an accomplished professional who embodies what your company needs, and who lives by the core values of the United States Air Force; Integrity First, Service Before Self, and Excellence in all I do.

I guess I'd try to avoid telling them what they're looking for and then telling them that you're it. A suggestion: yank out the meat of this paragraph (ie: I love doing what your job is asking for, I am trustworthy, selfless in my work, and always try to do a good job) and rewrite it both in your own words so you aren't quoting the USAF principles and without telling them it's what they want. I mean, those are great qualities! Of course companies want them, so try instead to tell them that you have those qualities and maybe provide an example of how you've demonstrated those qualities in the past.

Capt Howdy wrote: »

I know it will be mutually beneficial for us to meet and discuss the goals of your company and how my technical skills will help you achieve those goals. I will call your office in a few days to inquire about the possibility of a meeting.

Once again, try to avoid the "I know" and maybe collapse those sentences into "I will call your office/contact you/whatever next week to discuss the goals of your company further and how my technical skills can help you achieve them." (kind of awkward but something like that).

Anyways, I'd give them about a week because they've probably got a lot of resumes to sort through. So, just some suggestions, hope that you get the job!

Capt Howdy

Thanks for the help. I figured I was being to aggressive, but wasn't positive. Plus the whole wording thing.

Time to reworks the cover letter!

PikaPuff

I mostly agree with Hypatia. I say keep the V/R, and keep the Air Force mention. I could go either way with keeping the core values in there word for word.

Telling me to grab you a drink does not equal leadership experience. Neither does making me do your work because you don't wanna.

I agree that it's a cocky cover letter and killing it. You can still be as assertive as you are without it looking how it is now. Again, the suggestions above cover that.

the United States Air force has provided with me highly valued skill and experience in all forms of

should skill be plural (skills)? doesn't sound right to me.

Yeah, dont' ever say you'll be calling htem in a few days. Yeah, you can call them in a few days and probably should keep track, but don't say that in your cover letter.

All in all, you have the right info in the right places. And don't be like me and freak out when they ask what a domain is.