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Pulling myself together
Floofy
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
So, a few things I could really use outside views and help with.
I'm an illustration student in my last year of university and I'm terrified of failure.
I've been friends with a freelance illustrator for five years; she was, at the start, a major inspiration to me. She was my friend, and she was proof you could make a living from art. Over the years she's failed. She works as a library assistant in a school now, and her art has got worse and worse. I'm not sure whether it has to be fair, or whether my own growing experience has just made me see more flaws in it, but still- she's gone from being a role model to a cautionary example. Over the years our friendship has deteriorated massively as well- she was at one time my best friend and a trusted confident about all sorts of things. This stopped after my then boyfriend- also her friend, who she had set me up with- raped me. It took me a long time to get to the point of even being able to talk about it, and when I did she stayed in friendly contact with him, even keeping him as an admin on a forum she ran and I helped out with. Needless to say I felt betrayed and I've had trouble talking to her or her partner since.
This is all relevant, bear with me. I have a lot of anxiety in my life. Even when I'm doing well, I'm overwhelmed with the expectation of failure. I feel as though whatever I do, however much work I put in, will never be enough to be good enough. This results in me overworking myself and ultimately sabotaging my own best efforts. For example, when set with a deadline for a 6-page comic last fortnight, for the first week I procrastinated, certain that when I began I would only fail, and then rushed through the next week in a panic, staying up until 4 most nights to finish my pages.
I'm guessing therapy would be useful, but being in the UK I've no idea how the NHS handles it or where to start. I have periods of screaming highs followed by a week or so of feeling like lowlife scum. I'm self-depricating, avoidant and nervy a lot of the time, and I feel like it's stopping me from getting the most from life.
I want to feel alright. Has anyone else been through this? And can you help me?
I'm an illustration student in my last year of university and I'm terrified of failure.
I've been friends with a freelance illustrator for five years; she was, at the start, a major inspiration to me. She was my friend, and she was proof you could make a living from art. Over the years she's failed. She works as a library assistant in a school now, and her art has got worse and worse. I'm not sure whether it has to be fair, or whether my own growing experience has just made me see more flaws in it, but still- she's gone from being a role model to a cautionary example. Over the years our friendship has deteriorated massively as well- she was at one time my best friend and a trusted confident about all sorts of things. This stopped after my then boyfriend- also her friend, who she had set me up with- raped me. It took me a long time to get to the point of even being able to talk about it, and when I did she stayed in friendly contact with him, even keeping him as an admin on a forum she ran and I helped out with. Needless to say I felt betrayed and I've had trouble talking to her or her partner since.
This is all relevant, bear with me. I have a lot of anxiety in my life. Even when I'm doing well, I'm overwhelmed with the expectation of failure. I feel as though whatever I do, however much work I put in, will never be enough to be good enough. This results in me overworking myself and ultimately sabotaging my own best efforts. For example, when set with a deadline for a 6-page comic last fortnight, for the first week I procrastinated, certain that when I began I would only fail, and then rushed through the next week in a panic, staying up until 4 most nights to finish my pages.
I'm guessing therapy would be useful, but being in the UK I've no idea how the NHS handles it or where to start. I have periods of screaming highs followed by a week or so of feeling like lowlife scum. I'm self-depricating, avoidant and nervy a lot of the time, and I feel like it's stopping me from getting the most from life.
I want to feel alright. Has anyone else been through this? And can you help me?
Floofy on
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First off, i just graduated from an illustration/animation course in the UK, so you're certainly not alone in being terrified of trying to make art work as a career. My suggestion there would be to seek employment from a company or agency. This would be much more secure than freelance, which can ebb and flow and suddenly leave you out of a paycheck. Ask your tutors about this, hopefully they should have some contacts and tips and places to send your work off to.
As for the other thing, go and speak to your GP and tell him you want to speak to someone re: therapy. I'm pretty sure the NHS covers stuff like that, and he'll point you in the right direction.
Good luck!