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Have I Fucked Up Some Shit? (Roommates/friends)
Death of Rats
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
I'm sure some of you remember my super way too long girl thread I had a few months ago. This is somewhat about that, but well, not about that.
Here's the deal, I moved up to Wisconsin to live with some friends I had in High School. A month after I moved up one of my roommates introduced me to a girl, I acted all shy/down and stuff, and things didn't go well and I got rejected. This fucked me up, and sent me into a state of depression. I went home for a week, got put on anti depressants, tried to get my shit together. Then, at my birthday party I blew up at said girl. Since then I've seen her a few times, nothing big. I did write her a letter apologizing for it a few months ago, but really all the girl stuff isn't important to this thread.
Well, since all of that our parties have died down. We had a halloween party, but for the last 2 months, it's been pretty silent on the "having people come over at all" front. While before I'd get invited out with my roommates' friends, that has pretty much stopped.
Anyway, I've been chalking that up to the fact that we all work, and I work a different schedule than my roommates most of the time. I've been resisting my tendency to be paranoid about things, but well, something is almost putting me over the edge to "everyone hates me" mode.
This last week I went home for thanksgiving. When I get back I ask what's been going on, how was their week, all that kinda stuff. They say pretty much same old shit, no parties or anything.
Well, I discover that, well, they did have a party. And they did use me not being there as an incentive for some people to come over.
Now, sometimes I'm paranoid, but this doesn't seem like that. And, well, I'm not sure what to do about this, if anything.
Either I don't say anything, act normal, and things keep going the way they are, or I say something, and try to change stuff.
I've asked them before if I caused the sudden dissapearance of guests. I'm not an idiot, I know some of the stuff that happened at that party was pretty bad. But, well, I'm trying to live up here, and I don't know how exactly I can do that if I'm not only the black sheep, but also causing my friends to not live their lives the way they want to.
So, well, what would you do in my situation (besides not get yourself into it)? Or is there even a situation that I'm in? It's sometimes very hard for me to tell.
Here's the deal, I moved up to Wisconsin to live with some friends I had in High School. A month after I moved up one of my roommates introduced me to a girl, I acted all shy/down and stuff, and things didn't go well and I got rejected. This fucked me up, and sent me into a state of depression. I went home for a week, got put on anti depressants, tried to get my shit together. Then, at my birthday party I blew up at said girl. Since then I've seen her a few times, nothing big. I did write her a letter apologizing for it a few months ago, but really all the girl stuff isn't important to this thread.
Well, since all of that our parties have died down. We had a halloween party, but for the last 2 months, it's been pretty silent on the "having people come over at all" front. While before I'd get invited out with my roommates' friends, that has pretty much stopped.
Anyway, I've been chalking that up to the fact that we all work, and I work a different schedule than my roommates most of the time. I've been resisting my tendency to be paranoid about things, but well, something is almost putting me over the edge to "everyone hates me" mode.
This last week I went home for thanksgiving. When I get back I ask what's been going on, how was their week, all that kinda stuff. They say pretty much same old shit, no parties or anything.
Well, I discover that, well, they did have a party. And they did use me not being there as an incentive for some people to come over.
Now, sometimes I'm paranoid, but this doesn't seem like that. And, well, I'm not sure what to do about this, if anything.
Either I don't say anything, act normal, and things keep going the way they are, or I say something, and try to change stuff.
I've asked them before if I caused the sudden dissapearance of guests. I'm not an idiot, I know some of the stuff that happened at that party was pretty bad. But, well, I'm trying to live up here, and I don't know how exactly I can do that if I'm not only the black sheep, but also causing my friends to not live their lives the way they want to.
So, well, what would you do in my situation (besides not get yourself into it)? Or is there even a situation that I'm in? It's sometimes very hard for me to tell.
No I don't.
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They are being tards for not communicating with you, trying to be all open and communicating with them probably won't work. The issue started because of tension and I am assuming one of their good friends. You might have gotten labeled as creepy or trouble from that, so the people they want to invite don't want to come over.
Solving the situation? Figure out first of all how much you trust/respect the roommates. You want someone that will shoot straight with you and actually communicate. Take the attention away from him though, and onto his friends.
Something like "last time we were partying together I got the impression some of your friends were uneasy with me, know why that is?"
That gives him the ability to tell you how he might feel, but he can cast it as someone else's opinion while not messing with roommate drama.
Take that to redefine your image with first your roommates, and then hopefully with your roommates friends.
I've tried the whole "did blah blah blah seem uneasy with me" thing before, nothing came from it.
I think part of the problem is that I talked to them both so much about the girl thing, that anything else will just seem like an extention of that.
Their reason for the parties dying down is our parties come in phases. But, well, if they're purposely inviting people over when I'm not here, that sucks. Because if they're ok with people avoiding me, then they probably don't want me around much either. And really, it makes me question why I'm even up here to begin with.
I imagine your deduction of the situation is spot on, however your situation isn't impossible to change. You just have to show them you are fun again and, start having fun again. Also, try to get your own group of friends going so they don't feel like they are babysitting you. It sucks to have a roommate just latch onto you for social fun. That might be how they are feeling.
Try to find new people to hang out with, then invite them along. Or simply finding new people and inviting them to your place for boardgames what not, make sure they are not your only source of social activity.
But still, this really doesn't sit well with me. I have trouble making friends as it is, and, well, I'm starting to wonder if I am just an asshole. You know, if you're friends aren't excited to see you when you go home... and your friends you live with try to avoid having you around their friends.... well, that's a pretty good sign the problem isn't them.
Either way, things change, people change, situations change. I'm growing into my own up here some. It's just going to suck if my roommates aren't that much of a part of that anymore.
If it's true, at least you can recognize that and work on it. You may have damaged your current relationships, and they sound like they possibly aren't worth trying to fix all that much, but you can address this for the future friends you make. And if it's not you, well then you'll have moved on. About the only way this would continue to be a problem is if you disregard/ignore yourself as being the cause.
If things aren't all that bad with the roommates day to day, they're just leaving you out of their social circles, then things could be worse eh? It's not like you're socially isolated, you have school still right? Make some friends.
If the living situation is ok overall despite this, and you don't want or can't move elsewhere, then best not to mention the phone and such.
You have quite a few things you can do, but they all boil down to either dealing with it on your own terms, and trying to move on constructively, or being an asshat, brooding over the whole mess, and going down a pretty miserable, depressing spiral. Or you can try to find some middle ground where you are never happy, you have no friends, and you just barely hang on by "focusing on school", etc.
It is good that you are recognizing some of the signs. Try not to beat yourself up over it. We all do some pretty stupid things, and people can sometimes be douchebags. Add two and two together and you have the recipe for life.
Plus, it's a fact that I've been depressed for the past several years. Just because I've gotten that under control now doesn't exactly mean people are going to forget what I was like right away (one of my friends from home told me that he always hated seeing the way things were going for me because he "hated seeing my potential go to waste").
I don't plan on mentioning the phone (though he could easily find this thread, but if he does, I'll deal with it). However I'm not in school right now. Pretty much I work and come home and sleep. I am kinda socially isolated, but that's slowly starting to change as people get to know me at work.
The thing that bothers me about this is that if my roommates would just talk to me about it, I would be fine with it. If their friends aren't cool with me, well, that's fine. I have other things I can be doing. However the way they've been handling this just makes things hard on everyone.
I'm sure they all mysteriously disappear like clockwork on Fri/Sat night and bullshit you about it. Or are they nicer than that?
either way...
There are some things you can't really recover from socially. Like yelling at a girl people probably know you had a crush on.
And being depressed is a pretty easy way to be kickd out of a clique. Particularly a college partying clique, and particularly if people perceive you ruining the vibe they want to have going.
And I'm assuming your depression manifests itself. People are cold hearted. There are exceptions, but generally anyone you meet in college is going to be more judgmental of your character because it's an environment where they have limited time to socialize, and lots of options.
The impression I'm getting is that your roommates don't socialize with you anymore outside of when you happen to be in the house with them- being friendly instead of friends.
If that's the case, move out as soon as you can.
I would move out of that place asap.
Why do you need them to spell it out for you? I can understand why they'd be uncomfortable with saying that to someone who's on their lease. And you checked his phone, there's no "if" here. You're basically out of the circle.
If it makes you feel any better you're hardly the only person this happens to, some people find themselves in this situation without an incident like you and the girl. cliques like that tend to drift apart over the years anyhow.
This kind of shit happens. Maybe one day one of your friends will live with a roommate you don't like. You'll find yourself hanging out with that person, and if the person has something seriously wrong with them that can be problematic.
Like one of my closer friends here moved in with a guy he's accquainted with, but mainly moved in with because he needed roommates and didn't want strangers.
His roommate happens to be a huge mooch. And worse than that he's the kind of mooch who won't follow social etiquette/basic manners and keep asking you for stuff after you've said no multiple times. I don't like having to be impolite with people when I'm socializing, and I'm obviously being put in a situation where someone is trying to exploit that aspect of my personality so I've ended up doing to that guy what your roommates' friends did to you.
And people tend to react just as negatively when a guy has drama with a girl that he never actually dated.
I obviously can't speak to your situation very specifically, and maybe these guys do like you, but generally with social situations there are no do overs, it's one strike and you're out.
Pretty much this. But, just chill, be friendly and try not to turn this into a drama and you'll probably eventually get another chance at bat.
I'm kind of inclined to say that it sounds like you've moved to a new area and have latched on to your friends' social structure kind of hardcore since you're so down about this. Maybe living with your friends wasn't a good idea because living/partying with them meant that social side was already handled and you didn't have to go out looking.
If you really blew up at this girl and did the whole drama thing it's going to take time for the dust to settle and for people to accept you again. As a suggestion, use this time as a social pariah to get out and try things/meet new people and get your schedule filled with stuff away from your housemates. As time passes you'll A) be less dependent on them,
Critical Failures - Havenhold Campaign • August St. Cloud (Human Ranger)
What you do need to do is start making friends outside your previous cliche. God knows it won't be the easiest thing in the world, but you mention going to school so there's oportunities there. There's also meetup.com to find people with similar interests.
You need to get them all in a room and say, "Hey, I've been kiind of a weird fucker lately. I think I've got a much better handle on it now, and, well, I've noticed you haven't been having people over or whatever when I'm around. I appriciate you tried to be tactful about it, and I don't blame you with the way I've been acting, but I don't think it's fair to you, and I'd really like a fresh start."
And then, the key is, if they bite on that, you have to do it. You have to be, if not social, at least not awkward or hostile when people are over. Can you do that? Do you want to be social enough to bend a little bit? If not, this isn't the right house for you, I'm sad to say. And bear in mind it will take a little time - people remember one blowup a lot longer than a few good times. It's sad but true but that old proverb about cocks and bridges is pretty true.
I host a podcast about movies.
Actually, I have tried that. They've pretty much said it's just a downtime for people coming over, nothing to do with me.
I'm generally pretty social in groups. The last party we had was a blast, and I got along with everyone pretty well.
I'm wondering if I'm over reacting a little bit and this is a bit of both things, people not being sure about me along with this just being a down time for parties. Or it could be something else.
You see, the girl that was the reason for the blowup has become really good friends with one of my roommate's best friend. And, well, this friend usually is the person that arranges our parties (my roommates kinda leach friends off of her from what I understand). Now, she still seems cool with me, however, it might just be that it's difficult for her to have a party over here knowing that the girl I blew up at would have to be around me.
Basically the whole thing could just be some bullshit that is out of my roommate's hands. They don't want me to feel bad, so they don't talk to me about it.
What I'm trying to get at is that these friends of your roommates are basically not going to want to be friends with you. You didn't answer the question about what it's like with the roommates- do you ever get to hang out with them on fri/sat or do they disappear? Do they ever hang out with you outside of when you just happen to be in the same room?
But yeah, we still hang out. Go out to bars every once in a while. Then again, none of us work a usual 9-5 schedule, so it's sometimes hard to have nights where we can all go out.
And just to clear the record, I'm not in school right now. I'm planning on going back sometime next year, but as for right now, none of us are in school.
Don't blame your roommates too much for this. Throughout college this is what I saw happen between guys in failed roommate situations. I rarely ever saw a guy apartment blow up at each other (versus seeing TONS of girls apartments disintegrate violently). Instead this happens. No one talks about it...your roommates feel awkward knowing that you want in, but that no one wants you around. But you never did anything bad to them, so they don't want to directly call you out.
And I don't mean to sound like an asshole, but if you do what JohnnyCache suggested you're probably going to come off as a whiny bitch who just doesn't get obvious social cues. I think Sam is more on the mark here. You should just focus on being your own person and finding a new group. And don't try to use the new group to justify you as a new person and thus deserving of readmittance into the old group. Clique mixing does not generally work out that well.
Edit: Do not mention the phone. Do not do shit like that ever again. I didn't see the original pre-edit post, but ask yourself: were you REALLY looking for goofy pics or whatever or did you just want to confirm this suspicion (be HONEST with yourself). And if you posted this up hoping your roommates see it so you don't have to bring it up, cut that out too.
PSN: TheScrublet
That really depends how his actual behavior is and what his roomate's actual actions are.
Apologizing isn't being whiny, if you do it right. If he still wants to be friends with these people, "Just make new friends" isn't a solution.
What did you ever do with the girl, rats, just never speak to her again?
I host a podcast about movies.
I guess it's a little different if you guys are working as far as the roommates go. But you do have to go meet a bunch of new people.
I think he mentioned apologizing to her. And I'm sure she'd accept graciously what else would she do? Doesn't mean he's forgiven though. We've all had somewhat similar incidents with girls we couldn't get, though not necessarily involving yelling at them...they'll be nice about it, but you basically have to get real, girls can get creeped out pretty easily, and while they won't act like a high school mean girl to you, it sort of goes without saying that you're out.
Look it's not really your fault, your emotions got the better of you, this just happened to be within your immediate social circle. You'd be fine right now if this had been some random girl from from a club or a class.
You need to take responsibility and accept that you fucked up. You fucked up bad, and just saying, "SORRY!" doesn't suddenly remove the onus from you. You win some, you lose some, and in this instance you lost. You need to start with a new group.
Don't worry too much about the living situation -- it's often best to not really be friends with the people you live with, and just roommates instead. Embrace this attitude and begin building your own social life and your own hobbies. Stop trying to invite yourself places. You'll be invited if they want you there. You need to focus on a new group of people and realize what it seems like you've already realized -- you burned a bridge, and I can't emphasize this enough, writing a remorseful letter doesn't solve anything.
I've had similar instances where I've made social faux pas. I accepted I fucked up and backed off, gave the people I offended their space. It's what you'll have to do here.
You DON'T need to go back home, but you need to take a deep breath and distance yourself from this group instead of constantly trying to ingratiate yourself.
I would suggest sitting your roommates down, asking "Is there any way we can fix this?", talk it out, and if there's no easy way to do it, get an apartment close by. Friendships can be salvaged with a little bit of distance, and once they're more comfortable with you, they'll probably be more lenient with your party awkwardness.
I'm going to be blunt too, the blowing up wasn't a "me" thing. I don't blow up at people. I don't get angry and yell at people. That was caused by the mixture alcohol and my medication. However, that's not what matters now.
I'm not going to except that I've lost the people I'm living with as friends. I've been friends with them for over 10 years. They know me, know what's been going on with me, and do understand what happened. Besides, I'm starting to think that this is less them and more the people they hang out with sometimes (and this is important, they don't really hang out with people all that much anyway. Mainly only when we have parties). Which doesn't bother me nearly as much. Sure, my roommates aren't saying "our friends don't really like hanging out with you", but I mean, if that's it, that's fine. I don't care about getting along with their friends as much as I care about getting along with them.
As far as what happened with the girl, I apologized to her in a letter. Told her what I did was out of line, completely unwarrented, and all that crap. She thought it was creepy so I backed off of the whole thing completely. She's been over once since then, and she threw up all over the place and freaked out (not on me, just in general). So yeah, that whole thing is completely done now.
Really I think me thinking about this or caring about this thing with the roommates is kinda the thing that would cause bad stuff to happen. I need to just lighten up more.
It really can be done. You do not have to never speak with these people again. You would not believe some of the shit I've done drunk and eventually been forgiven for. I dyed a cat blue once. I pushed an el camino into a lake for "not making up its mind about what to be" and I'm still friends with the owners of those things.
I host a podcast about movies.
Good lord, really?
I....I don't know if I'd be so forgiving. I hope I never have to find out.
xbl - HowYouGetAnts
steam - WeAreAllGeth
I host a podcast about movies.
The answer is to be cool, basically.
https://medium.com/@alascii
I'm not a giant asshole, but sometime I do act like one when in social situations (long story short, the people I hung out with before I moved are all very abrasive people. Lots of ragging on each other, lots of in-jokes that just keep going for years and years. Has kinda rubbed off on me to the point where sometimes I don't talk for fear of what horrible off colored joke will come out of my mouth). I am making friends at work, and, well, I think I'd much rather come into my own socially than just hang out with my friends' friends. Plus, I haven't really done the leg work required to even care about how things go with these people (besides my roommates obviously). Maybe if I tried, you know, actually inviting people to do things with me... well, I'd be seen as less of a loner who may or may not blow up at parties?
Plus, the only thing that will make this thing worse is if I, well, actively try to change it. My roommates would get tired of my rather quickly if I was the guy who "always needed help socially". A lot of my problems are just an attitude problem. I'm too used to the "small knit group of friends who once in a while hang out with other people" social setting that, well, I'm not used to the "lets throw a huge party with tons of people you barely know" setting.
I feel the offense warranted the punishment.
PSN: TheScrublet