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Girlfriend Problem
AbsoluteZero
The new film by Quentin KoopantinoRegistered User regular
The new film by Quentin KoopantinoRegistered User regular
So I did something I am kindof regretting now. Typically I keep my nose out of my girlfriend's blog, figuring I don't really want to know what she is talking about on myspace because I could care less. Well the curiosity bug bit me and I peeked.
She refers to me as the "ball and chain" and I really don't think that it is in a kind way. She goes on to infer that I am the sole thing keeping her from doing all the things she wants to in life. In reality, there's maybe one or two minor things I try to keep her from doing like getting an ugly nose ring piercing or a giant tattoo across her lower back that is going to look ridiculous when she's older. I don't actually stop her from doing any of these things, I just play devil's advocate really.
But the thing is she is making it sound like I am keeping her from doing absolutely anything that would make her happy in life.
Well, this is news to me.
And to tell you the truth I find it inconceivable how I could be doing such a thing anyways. I honestly don't stop her from doing anything.
I am insanely pissed off about this, how she is telling all her friends this shit. I mean it's right on myspace so I really don't know whether or not I'm not supposed to be seeing it. The internet is public after all.
I honestly don't know how to handle this situation. It's been five years with this girl, but sometimes I wonder if this is all a big case of escalation of commitment.
She refers to me as the "ball and chain" and I really don't think that it is in a kind way. She goes on to infer that I am the sole thing keeping her from doing all the things she wants to in life. In reality, there's maybe one or two minor things I try to keep her from doing like getting an ugly nose ring piercing or a giant tattoo across her lower back that is going to look ridiculous when she's older. I don't actually stop her from doing any of these things, I just play devil's advocate really.
But the thing is she is making it sound like I am keeping her from doing absolutely anything that would make her happy in life.
Well, this is news to me.
And to tell you the truth I find it inconceivable how I could be doing such a thing anyways. I honestly don't stop her from doing anything.
I am insanely pissed off about this, how she is telling all her friends this shit. I mean it's right on myspace so I really don't know whether or not I'm not supposed to be seeing it. The internet is public after all.
I honestly don't know how to handle this situation. It's been five years with this girl, but sometimes I wonder if this is all a big case of escalation of commitment.
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This is not your fault.
My girlfriend just broke up with me for similar reasons. Only I did nothing to hold her back- she just basically decided that she needs to do some things and she can't do them with me in her life. She is scared of committment for sure, and it may even make her make a stupid decision which you will both regret.
You can't convince her otherwise either, as you are the person she is transferring all this frustration onto. You stuck between a rock and a hard place.
So I will now give you some advice- advice that might have ultimately saved my relationship if I had of known it sooner.
You need to break up with her.
I know, I know, you are probably thinking that this is extreme, but its not. If you do this now, tell her something like "Look, I read your blog and I don't want to be the person holding you back, so I think we should go our separate ways for now, so that you can do all the things in life you need to do. After that, hopefully we will meet up sometime later and start again, because I think we had something really special, but it can't work right now".
This gives her everything she thinks she wants... ironically enough you and I both know that that is not really what she wants, but unfortunately she has to find that out for herself.
When she does, then she will realise just how important you are to her. Make sure you basically cut her off for a good while too, otherwise she will never really get perspective on what she is doing.
I wish I had known this for myself, I might have been able to salvage my relationship...
This is the hardest, but best option. Believe me.
Secondly, Ball & Chain isn't an insult per say, I know some people who soley refer to their wives as that. I used to say I'm filling out the qualitytimesheet when I was hanging out with my gf. It may very well mean nothing, but shit, you wont know unless you talk to her.
Satans..... hints.....
If your relationship is salvageable, you're only going to pull that off by talking to her about it. It's not like you used her computer to view private posts, right? Just sit her down and talk it out, and keep in mind that the worst that can happen to you right now is something that's probably going to happen soon anyhow if you don't do something.
And hey, if you need something to cheer you up, you can spend the money you'll save buying her a Christmas present on a nice outfit and a hair cut and go out on the town with the boys on New Year's Eve, right?
Sorry man, but it sounds like you've got some rough days ahead.
CUZ THERE'S SOMETHING IN THE MIDDLE AND IT'S GIVING ME A RASH
Hell she might have hoped you would come across her myspace so that the topic could then be broached without her actually bringing it up in person. This way she doesn't have to be the bad guy (in her mind) and at the same time it might make you so angry that you'll just break up with her, once again not making her the one the ended things.
As for advice, don't be angry. The relationship is either salvageable or it isn't. Either way, anger does not help. In fact, it'll make you look like a dumbass. Since pheezer's advice is solid, I won't repeat it.
You guys are probably right, it does look like she's trying to build herself up to breaking up with me.
I will talk to her about this tonight. I need to do something to make the rage subside though, I don't converse well when I'm pissed...
The only reason I'm pissed is because I've heard not one peep about this from her. Not too terribly long ago she was pestering me for an engagement ring. *shakes head* I don't understand her.
Docken, jumping the gun much?
Obviously just talk to her first. AbsoluteZero, you know her pretty well. You've been dating her for 5 years. Is she one of those girls who loves to bitch about her boyfriend as a way to pass the time? I don't know if this applies to her, but there are girls for whom the amount they complain about their boyfriend to their friends is inversely proportionate to how strong their feelings are for him.
This is just something I'm throwing out there.
Secondly, its her Myspace. If she writes stuff about you there it's pretty obvious you'll find out soon enough. Talk to her about it. If the relationship is all good aside from this little thing chances are it's all good. She might be just venting.
Approach it calmly, indicate you are hurt but don't attack her.
Thirdly, if she wants a tattoo you shouldn't be trying to talk her out of it. It's her body, dude.
EDIT: Holy crap fast thread, with crazy advice
THIS IS NOT DEFCON 5!
Be calm. If this is the only problem, calm the fuck down.
https://medium.com/@alascii
The tattoo thing. She asks my opinion, I give it to her.
Exact same thing happened to me. One day its marriage discussion, the next day she shuts down and turns her back on me.
Please keep in mind I am not trying to destroy your relationship... but believe me when I say that she is rapidly slipping through your fingers.
Sometimes a tactical retreat can put things in perspective. If you view things on the long term this is probably your only viable option.
Its the best I can give you, seeing as how I am about 2 months down the line from where you are now and know that any type of discussion about this is just going to get ugly, unless a miracle happens.
You have no idea how much I wish to be wrong on this one... if only to live vicariously through someone who saved their relationship when mine failed.
Relationships are about both sides contributing to each other's life and making each other better people. In my eyes, any relationship where one side feels like the other is holding them back is not worth pursuing. Even if the relationship is salvageable, this is the sort of thing that will always be in the back of your minds somewhere and lead to worse stuff.
So AT LEAST consider that she will bitch about you to her friends, and that it doesn't really reflect her feelings for you.
Also on the tattoo, most girls wouldn't get one without boyfriendal approval. So you saying you don't like it is a pretty big needleblock.
https://medium.com/@alascii
It all depends on the context, and the sort of language she used on the blog. And whether or not she has been complaining about this stuff for a while or it was just one blog entry.
Not all relationships are stable. They have their ups and downs, and if the wrong shit happens at the wrong time, it's over.
No, this isn't about a bunch of girls getting together and gossipping about their boyfriends. This is about her posting something potentially serious on a public blog without saying anything to her boyfriend of FIVE years.
I'm not even gonna touch on the tattoo thing. It's pretty retarded.
Though, like pheezer says, it does sound like she wants to break up with you. Sit down with her and talk about it, see where things go.
The Myspace post is the tip of massive iceberg. Its the expression of a ton of subconscious and conscious feelings that have been welling up for some time.
But then I can be horribly insensetive when people I trust start accusing me of shit behind my back instead of to my face. So, grain of salt.
Just remember it might be her prelude to the end, but it also might not. Don't go in guns blazing.
https://medium.com/@alascii
Yeah, going in with the goal of changing her mind is only going to result in making things dramatically worse one way or the other. The worst outcomes are all of the ones where she agrees to stay in the relationship, because you'll at most have convinced her that it's easier to stay in a loveless relationship than to move on, and the person who's really gonna suffer there is you in the end.
Go into this with the goal of finding out what is on her mind, and where to move from there.
CUZ THERE'S SOMETHING IN THE MIDDLE AND IT'S GIVING ME A RASH
New development.
As I do not have a myspace account I logged on to her account (I know what passwords she uses) in order to look at her page and whatnot.
I just noticed she has that particular blog entry set to private, which I think means only she can see it and no one else.
Great. So now what? Can I even say anything?
1) She bottled up everything that bothered her for a while and finally popped in a public vent. Answer: have a serious discussion with her- ask her why she can't come to you with her problems- that's the real issue, not the tattoo.
2) Other things are bothering her and then her vent got misplaced on you. This could be everything from parents to career/school to PMS. (for the love of GOD don't ask her if she has PMS, ever. You always ask "are you okay, you seem upset/ is everything all right/ do you need anything?" That may allow her to realize that she's yelling/overreacting/upset and allow reason to seep through) Answer: Let her cool down, cry on you, talk it out- whatever she normally needs. Then let it drop.
3) Something truly bizarre like she's referring to an "other" boyfriend. Answer: that's a situation to get out of before you end up on a talk show.
4) She's just not that into you anymore. Answer: Free the both of you, or rekindle the flame. Is this a pattern of up and down that is only getting more obnoxious every time? Or is this just a rough patch to get through.
I once discovered something I didn't like in my boyfriend's email. I did have his password and was snooping, but honestly I was just curious to see what he was like with his friends, I wasn't even suspicious. After getting over that issue, we grew closer as we reevaluated where we really were, what we wanted, and how much we really wanted this relationship. Several years later we were married. So yes, you can work through these things, and learning to resolve conflict is very important for ever getting closer. You can't just run away and ignore issues, nor can you beat them to death.
Just don't let her get away with acting like a child and crying for you to figure everything out, or you'll end up being her parent.
Personally, I think your days are numbered my son. If you really love them you gotta set them free.
That changes things. You can't say anything to her about it anymore, at least not openly.
But, if you play it correctly, you can get her to open up about it. Say something like, "honey, I have been getting a lot of negative energy from you lately. You know how I'm tuned into these sorts of things [I hope you are, btw]. Let's talk."
Don't say "would you like to talk" because you aren't asking for her opinion here. You already know something is wrong and you want to sort it out. Also, don't say "we should sit down and talk" because people don't respond well to command-words like "should."
Even if she doesn't want to talk about it, in the future she'll be more open to talking about it because she now knows that you care. Make sure you assure her that she can always come to you with her problems.
P.S. Logging into her private account was a very dickish thing to do. Get your head together man. You have been with this girl for 5 years and you don't respect her privacy?
This is fantastic advice. First of all, this isn't the end of things. Look, people have a tendancy of making things much much worse than they are when talking about it to friends/writing about it. Yes, I think it screams that there are underlying issues, but that doesn't mean your relationship is on the verge of distruction. Hell, I consider myself a fairly reasonable and well educated person when it comes to relationships, and i'm definitely guilty of it. I'm sure a lot of people on this board are too. Also, the entry was set to private so a) you can't say anything about it without coming off as a snoop. b) it also says that she wasn't looking for emotional support from her friends, she was just venting. Everybody vents. I'm sure you have your ways, and that could be her way. It's no different than her writing about things she's unhappy with in a diary she keeps under her bed.
Someone pointed out about the whole comment of the lip ring and being a devil's advocate. They were right, be very careful how you word things. Tact is a virtue, remember that!
https://medium.com/@alascii
You can't comment on blogs that are set to private.
Hrmm. Does she know you know her passwords? Did you have permission to use her Myspace account?
If not, thats a betrayal of trust to log into someone's account for anything when they're not around.
At what point is snooping justified? If the blogs had shown clear signs of cheating, would that make it right? Or is he still in the wrong for having even looked?
She is having problems of an unknown magnitude with the relationship, so she writes about it in her PRIVATE diary. She has done absolutely nothing wrong at this point.
https://medium.com/@alascii
I didn't realize it was a private blog until AFTER I read it.
Tough shit, that's exactly what you should have done. You know the site can function as a diary, everyone does. Its not the same as a flickr account, or something
Well, if he's right and between them it isn't stepping over any lines, it's not that big a deal in my opinion. It's still pretty bad, considering there is probably a very good reason why his GF put the fucking diary entry on PRIVATE, but still.
AbsoluteZero, take amarygma's advice. Calm down, realize that the problems your GF is having aren't necessarily with you. However, I would keep my eyes open for any additional signs of unhappiness/frustration on her part.
Also, realize that you're her BF of 5 years so she probably takes your advice very seriously. As someone mentioned earlier, some girls do not do things if their BF suggests it's a bad idea. So next time she asks for your opinion, try to structure your words in a more neutral tone. For example:
Her: What do you think about tattoos?
You: I don't know. Why do you ask?
Her: I was thinking of getting one.
You: It all depends on how you feel about it. You're old enough to make your own decisions and I respect them.
Her: Yeah, but I need your advice. Do you think I should get one?
You: There are certain risks involved, as well as the possibility that you might regret it later in life. But hey, we only live once!
This way you aren't passing any "passive judgments" on her. She knows your stance, she knows the risks/consequences, and she will make her own decision without feeling like she's held back by "ball and chains".
Ok, forget about the ethics of what you just did for the moment. Whilst important in a general sense, it is not the immediate problem for you to consider. What is important to you is what was expressed in that journal entry- private or not.
She is having big, big problems with you- both real and imagined.
Reflecting on what she wrote, can you see a way of resolving this in the course of your relationship- I am not talking about going to her and having "a talk", I am asking if there are some alterations/actions you can make to start to correct these perceived issues she is having with you.
Ultimately, relationships are about actions, not words. Words clarify, but they do not define a relationship. I always said the right things and genuinely meant what I said. But that didn't change the fact that there were certain actions I failed to take to keep my relationship going. You need to start thinking about actions. If you don't know why she is feeling this way and don't see a way of correcting her feelings, you are screwed.