The new forums will be named Coin Return (based on the most recent vote)! You can check on the status and timeline of the transition to the new forums here.
The Guiding Principles and New Rules document is now in effect.
I want out of my relationship
Derringer
Registered User new member
Registered User new member
Hi, all. Long time lurker, first time poster. This forum gets like a million relationship threads a day it seems like and I'm hoping to get some opinions about my conundrum. I want to break up with my girlfriend. Actually, I have broken up with her, but we got back together to give it a second chance. The second chance isn't working out for me.
The catch here is that she's disabled and I've been taking care of her. Some background: we've been going out for about two years now. When we started dating, I knew she had some problems with her back from an old injury but she wasn't disabled at the time. She just would get some aches and pains every so often. Not long after we got together, she lost her job and when she got a new job she wasn't making enough money to keep her apartment so I invited her to come live with me.
Well, in the months since then her back problems have gotten worse... and worse... and worse. She's been diagnosed with what the doctors call "spinal neuropathy due to a severely herniated lumbar disc." Basically, the nerves at the base of her spine are being pinched. She's in pretty much constant pain and can't walk more than three or four blocks without having to stop and rest. Sometimes she loses all feeling in her legs for a little while and can't walk at all. Once in a while, one leg or the other will give out on her and she'll just fall over where she stands.
She's crabby and irritable pretty much all the time. I understand why but I get tired of dealing with it. She lost her most recent job four months ago and we're rapidly running out of money. I have school loans and credit cards to pay off and I'm paying the minimum payment every month and sometimes I have to put food or bills on one of my credit cards to make do. I'm taking all the extra work I possibly can to make ends meet. She's limited on the work she can do because she can't take retail (too much standing) and some office jobs require lifting and carrying boxes or papers. I'm the only person who does any cleaning around the house - she tries to pitch in but it often ends in disaster, like her slipping in the kitchen and dropping and breaking a bunch of dishes. One time she didn't come back from the laundry room for like twenty minutes, so I went out to look for her and found that she had fallen in the hallway, hit her head on the wall, and knocked herself out. So I feel like I have to do as much of the cleaning as possible, but with all the overtime I'm working I'm just too exhausted so our apartment is a complete mess.
She relies on me for support in pretty much every way. She's filed for disability and Medicare but she was turned down the first time and is now appealing - we've been told that the appeals process could take months. None of her family is willing or able to help her, some of her family are abusive and manipulative and she'd be better off not accepting their help anyway. If I break up with her now she'd have nowhere to go. When she told her therapist the problems we've been having in our relationship her therapist suggested a shelter for homeless women.
The doctors think that surgery might help her... maybe. They want to do all these tests and there is so much wait time in between. Three weeks wait to see the neurologist... three more weeks for an MRI... a month for the spine specialist... another two weeks for another MRI... another two weeks after that to get back with the neurologist... all the while I'm getting further and further in debt to support somebody I don't even want to be with.
I'm not breaking up with her because she's disabled. I'd be breaking up with her even if she were healthy. The medical problems are just icing on the cake. Our communication sucks. I can't tell her anything even remotely negative or difficult without her flying off the handle. Nothing I do is ever good enough. I can pay for her food and medicine all week but if I refuse to take her to one doctor's appointment she acts sullen and rejected. We broke up once already. She called all her family and friends and was able to couch-surf with friends for two weeks, but then she had nowhere to go and came back to my place. She begged me to let her back and we agreed that it would just be until she could get the surgery on her back. That didn't work out very well. She'd see me and start crying spontaneously. I'd ask her how she was doing and she'd say, "What do you care? You're not my boyfriend anymore." Then she started to promise that she'd do better and she would try to do everything she could to make me happy if we could just be lovers again. I believed her but it turned out that I just don't love her anymore, the fire's not there and I enjoy my life more when she's not around.
How can I tell her that I don't want her anymore when the alternative is for her to be homeless? I'm not a heartless bastard, I can't just throw somebody to the four winds like that. But I'm not happy and I have a right to find my own happiness. We're not married. I didn't sign up for richer or poorer or sickness or health. I see these elderly couples who have been married for 50 years and one of them is sick, and I wonder if I'm supposed to be like them. But they got decades of happy healthy marriage out of it and I got several months of a torrid stressful relationship.
So, PA, what do I do?
The catch here is that she's disabled and I've been taking care of her. Some background: we've been going out for about two years now. When we started dating, I knew she had some problems with her back from an old injury but she wasn't disabled at the time. She just would get some aches and pains every so often. Not long after we got together, she lost her job and when she got a new job she wasn't making enough money to keep her apartment so I invited her to come live with me.
Well, in the months since then her back problems have gotten worse... and worse... and worse. She's been diagnosed with what the doctors call "spinal neuropathy due to a severely herniated lumbar disc." Basically, the nerves at the base of her spine are being pinched. She's in pretty much constant pain and can't walk more than three or four blocks without having to stop and rest. Sometimes she loses all feeling in her legs for a little while and can't walk at all. Once in a while, one leg or the other will give out on her and she'll just fall over where she stands.
She's crabby and irritable pretty much all the time. I understand why but I get tired of dealing with it. She lost her most recent job four months ago and we're rapidly running out of money. I have school loans and credit cards to pay off and I'm paying the minimum payment every month and sometimes I have to put food or bills on one of my credit cards to make do. I'm taking all the extra work I possibly can to make ends meet. She's limited on the work she can do because she can't take retail (too much standing) and some office jobs require lifting and carrying boxes or papers. I'm the only person who does any cleaning around the house - she tries to pitch in but it often ends in disaster, like her slipping in the kitchen and dropping and breaking a bunch of dishes. One time she didn't come back from the laundry room for like twenty minutes, so I went out to look for her and found that she had fallen in the hallway, hit her head on the wall, and knocked herself out. So I feel like I have to do as much of the cleaning as possible, but with all the overtime I'm working I'm just too exhausted so our apartment is a complete mess.
She relies on me for support in pretty much every way. She's filed for disability and Medicare but she was turned down the first time and is now appealing - we've been told that the appeals process could take months. None of her family is willing or able to help her, some of her family are abusive and manipulative and she'd be better off not accepting their help anyway. If I break up with her now she'd have nowhere to go. When she told her therapist the problems we've been having in our relationship her therapist suggested a shelter for homeless women.
The doctors think that surgery might help her... maybe. They want to do all these tests and there is so much wait time in between. Three weeks wait to see the neurologist... three more weeks for an MRI... a month for the spine specialist... another two weeks for another MRI... another two weeks after that to get back with the neurologist... all the while I'm getting further and further in debt to support somebody I don't even want to be with.
I'm not breaking up with her because she's disabled. I'd be breaking up with her even if she were healthy. The medical problems are just icing on the cake. Our communication sucks. I can't tell her anything even remotely negative or difficult without her flying off the handle. Nothing I do is ever good enough. I can pay for her food and medicine all week but if I refuse to take her to one doctor's appointment she acts sullen and rejected. We broke up once already. She called all her family and friends and was able to couch-surf with friends for two weeks, but then she had nowhere to go and came back to my place. She begged me to let her back and we agreed that it would just be until she could get the surgery on her back. That didn't work out very well. She'd see me and start crying spontaneously. I'd ask her how she was doing and she'd say, "What do you care? You're not my boyfriend anymore." Then she started to promise that she'd do better and she would try to do everything she could to make me happy if we could just be lovers again. I believed her but it turned out that I just don't love her anymore, the fire's not there and I enjoy my life more when she's not around.
How can I tell her that I don't want her anymore when the alternative is for her to be homeless? I'm not a heartless bastard, I can't just throw somebody to the four winds like that. But I'm not happy and I have a right to find my own happiness. We're not married. I didn't sign up for richer or poorer or sickness or health. I see these elderly couples who have been married for 50 years and one of them is sick, and I wonder if I'm supposed to be like them. But they got decades of happy healthy marriage out of it and I got several months of a torrid stressful relationship.
So, PA, what do I do?
Derringer on
0
Posts
Try to find someone who can take care of her. Tell her that you just can't take care of her properly, and that you're very unhappy with the way things are going right now. That's the best I can come up with
That way, you've let her know that things aren't up to scratch there, which is causing a lot of frustration/anger etc. If she's that troublesome when it comes to something unrelated to the loss of her support (largely physically and fiscally by the sound of it) then there will be no easy way.
If she deals with the 'communication' communication well (oh ho ho, a pun), then the chances are you'll be able to sort something out.
Steam
Wow, I came in here ready to give my old "cut the crap and breakup" speech, but this is quite a situation. This is actually very similar to the situation that I'm in so I know it's not easy.
This is a delicate situation and unfortunately, I'm a carpet bomb and not a laser scapel, so I'll leave the 'how to get out' advice to the others.
One thing I will say, though, is there are a lot of resources for your g/f depending on the size of the city that you live in. Does your g/f have a case worker? If she doesn't, she should get one. A case worker can not only help her with her disability appeal, but they can also help with finding employment and other resources.
I think you need to sit her down and just bite the bullet and do the breakup speech and tell her it's not working. It doesn't have to be this big emotional thing for you. I think you need to treat it like a band aid.
This reminds me a lot of when my cousin dated a girl with MS and eventually had to break up with her because her health played a major role.
RUN.
Pack your shit while shes at the MRI and hot dog it to a different city. You only got this one life to live guy and the worlds watching to see what you do with it.
1.Who jailed me
2.On what grounds and specifically what post.
3. Is there an appeal
4. General what the hellness.
Oh to stay on topic....
It might sound horrible but aside from her disability the fellow said he would have dumped her even if she was healthy so I say don't be guilted into being a nurse.
I suspect it might have been the fact that you're giving advice that really shouldn't be given, you ass.
You've done an admirable job in taking care of this person, and if you honestly don't have feelings for her anymore then breaking up with her is really the only option there is. But if you don't love her because of the condition that she has no control over, and not because of who she is, then I would think about things for a good, long while.
To the original poster, if she's making your life miserable, there's no real point in letting her hang around. I mean hell, if she's not a good person, what's it matter if she's going to end up in a wheelchair soon?
You carrying her around is only going to get you further and further in debt, drastically impacting your chances for future happiness, perhaps with a girl that has improved mobility.
She sounds fairly manipulative and self-pitying, you might as well just try to lay things out. If she was better at communication, would you change your mind about wanting to break-up? What exactly would have to be different about her for you to want to be with her? It doesn't even sound as if you like her at all.
I was thinking though, what if you were to go ahead and break up with her, but still be exceptionaly supportive. Really go all out in helping her find an alternative living situation (or some kind of situation even that allows you two to still live peacefully together as roomates) Maybe even think on these alternatives before you speak to her about breaking up.
It sucks for you, but she's got way more shit to worry about and it'd be a big help if you went a thousand extra miles for her in this. Pat on the back for caring, dude.
We've been talking about that. I just don't really feel like she knows what good communication is. I know that sounds harsh but her family is really unhealthy and I think she got a really bad education on just how to talk to people. She oscillates between just blurting things out without thinking about it and bottling things up until they explode. The times she actually comes to me and says, "I've been thinking about something and I want to talk to you about it" in a mature and level-headed manner are the minority. It's the sort of thing that feeds on itself, because if I don't feel like she's going to react to what I have to say calmly I just won't say it, that's a failing of mine and I take ownership of that.
She recognizes that she's impulsive and has poor communication skills. A lot of the time she'll fly off the handle, start yelling and screaming and will storm out of the room (I've stopped following her when she does that) only to stop in the hallway, walk back in and say something mean and then walk out, then walk back and say something mean, until I say, "If you want to talk with me rather than at me can you please just sit down so we can have this conversation like adults?" Then she'll sit down, cry for a bit, and then apologize for losing her temper. This happens A LOT.
That's a good idea. I'm going to look into that.
Do you know where did she ended up?
No. It would make things a whole lot easier but it wouldn't change the outcome for me.
Honestly I look back at the last two years and we really work in some ways but not in others. We have different attitudes about kids and marriage and family for instance. I don't see these as being really reconcilable. Maybe it was a mistake to get together with her in the first place, since we do have different goals out of relationships, but it was definitely a learning experience for me and I definitely grew from it. I just feel like I'm growing out of it.
She's the kind of person who throws everything she has into a relationship. Even before her health problems got bad she still focused almost all of her energy and thought on us. I don't like that, I want to be with somebody who has their own independent life. She doesn't really have any clear career goals, I think her only real goal in life is to settle down and get married with the man of her dreams and unfortunately she's convinced that the man of her dreams is me. She'd make an amazing housewife (once she gets her health problems worked out) but I don't want a housewife.
That might be what I have to do. The alternative is toughing it out and keeping a stiff upper lip until she gets the surgery and starts to recover. That could be months, though.
Yeah, the first time we tried this she'd put on this fake plastic smile and be extra special nice to me with a cherry on top, but I could see straight through it to how much her heart was breaking. Then like her veneer would crack and she'd say, "What do you care? You don't want me anymore!" to something as simple as, "How are you feeling today?" Then she'd start crying and apologize and start going on and on about how much she was still in love with me and how it killed her to see me every day and how if I gave her a second chance she could do better and be everything want... we're on the second chance right now but it's trying to rekindle a spark that just isn't there for me.
Well....she was hospitalized and then passed. It's like, her illness really started to take a major toll on him and he couldn't do it anymore and broke up with her. A couple of months later she started to go downhill and was hospitalized and I think within two years she passed.
But I don't think that part applies to your situation. And on a lighter note, he took her passing a little easier because he had already moved on to somene else. So I guess this explanation is only on how to make the best of a really bad situation.
ahem.
So random jailing? Who do i get in contact with about this?
Everything you said should not be told to us, it should be told to her, these are excellent breakup "reasons". Say what you said up there.
Satans..... hints.....
Right now youre stuck in a situation where you have to take care of someone you dont like because if you dont, they'll be fucked. That should never be the job of someone who isn't family. Get her family to start taking responsibility. Go guilt trip the hell out of them. Manipulate them. You need this girl off of your hands, but before you can do that, you have to make sure youre doing something slightly better then just dumping her off in a gutter to die. Convince her family, or get her to support herself, or youre fucked.
Agreed. If she can't handle being in your place (which essentially it is, since you invited her) then she will just have to either deal with the constant seeing of you, or shift out.
People have to be responsible for their own choices, she chooses to act like a child she's going to have to accept the consequences of that.
Steam
I don't know about that. It was devoid of sensitivity and tact, but as far as advice goes... It's as valid as anything else offered here.
Something about "Only having one life to live" strikes a chord with me, even if the resulting action would've been lacking in courage. But it sounds like he was jailed for more worthy reasons.
She has accidents at home sometimes and needs to be taken to the hospital.
She's not capable of doing day to day things by herself.
She can't work?
From this I conclude she needs a full time care worker who devotes most of their life to looking after her, at the moment the care worker is you.
You should see if there are any government programmes in your city , to look after disabled / homeless people. If there are not she will have to leave you and live with her family, even if they are abusive(1), or be homeless and disabled which I wouldn't advise.
It's not your burden to look after her, and you shouldn't feel wrong because you do not want to devote your life to looking after her.
As for your financial position, I can only assume you are paying out sizable medical fees. Tell her parents that she needs medical treatment, and that you cannot afford it (Because, to be true, you can't! ) and that is up to her family to pay for the medical treatment.
I have some questions:
It would be useful to know what city you live in, what profession you have and how much you make a month and what you spend it on, I.e
income 3000
rent 1600
food 500
medical fees 2500
etc
If you didn't have to pay her medical fees, how much of a better position would you be in financially?
Is there some $4.00/hr desk job she can get, even if its a gimmicky work from home one Could she be a call centre person from home ?
(1) If you cannot increase your income or cut costs it seems as though you will both end up homeless shortly.
http://www.itchy-animation.co.uk/tutorials/light01.htm
http://itchstudios.com/psg/art_tut.htm
http://alexhays.com/loomis/
http://video.google.co.uk/videoplay?docid=2273017122992832167&q=Drawing+The+Human+Figure+From+Your+Mind+-+Video+Lesson+1
Packing my shit up and leaving is definitely a viable option and one that I am keeping open. I couldn't do it during a half-hour MRI, and I wouldn't sneak out while her back was turned, though. The way he phrased it was pretty silly, but I get the gist.
Yes.
She has good days and bad days. Good days she can do a little cleaning or laundry. Bad days she's has to sit down pretty much all day and can barely make it to the bathroom and back.
She had a desk job for a while but she lost it because she couldn't keep a steady enough schedule. I've been pushing her to get another job so she's looking for something but a lot of the jobs out there she couldn't do because either they're too physically demanding or they're too inflexible about schedules.
I've been thinking about this and I think that if she got signed up for a transportation service like Redi-Wheels and if we could afford to hire a cleaning service to come in and do the vacuuming and cleaning once a week my life would be a LOT easier.
They're not too bad. She has health insurance.
Yeah, this is kind of personal. But here's what I will tell you: I live in a high-rent metropolitan area. I make a lot of money right now but the cost of living here is very high and I spent a couple years working shitty low-wage jobs to survive so I have no savings and a lot of debt. I've been doing a lot of belt-tightening but I've been having trouble getting our food bills down below $150 a week. We've been cooking more but after my 10-12 hour days I get fucking sick of cooking. She cooks sometimes too but we still get take-out about two or three times a week. Usually take-out is about $20 a meal.
I also managed to cut costs on entertainment by a great deal, but this sort of adds to my depression. There is a lot of stuff I want to do but can't afford to do it and I think that if I just weren't carrying her around I'd be able to do them. I love going to concerts for instance but the last concert I went to was for her favorite band months ago as an early birthday present for her. Every time I hear about a concert I want to go to I just think that there are so many other things I'd rather spend that $60 like paying down my credit cards or maybe eating out a few more times instead of cooking.
Anyway, I found some local disability resource centers that can help her get through the appeals for Social Security Disability benefits and might be able to help her find a job. That doesn't change the fact that I want to break up and I'm still not sure how to do it but I think it'll take a little of the pressure off of me in the meantime.
First of all I want to say that Im sorry to hear about your girlfriends condtion. Im familiar with what this is and yes, unfortunately it makes every minute of your day painful, even at night when you try to sleep. There are a few patients at the hospital where I work that have been diagnosed with the same thing, some of them fairly young and its just so sad to see them in that kind of shape.
I know that it must be hard for you, but I can totally understand why it is hard for you to deal with. Im sure she just feels so bad that she doesnt even realize how hateful and crabby she is to you.
I do feel that you need to talk to her though if at all possible and explain to her that you arent breaking up with her because she is disabled, but because right now its all just too much for you to deal with since things between the two of you have changed so drastically. And given the situation, Im sure that that is the case. Try to explain to her that you will always care about her and be there for her as a friend, but that you dont feel its fair for you to stay with her as a couple, because the same love that you once shared just isnt there as it use to be.
You deserve to be happy, and so does she and with things going as they are, I doubt she is really happy, because Im sure she can tell that you arent. Everyone deserves a chance at happiness and even though it is going to be hard, you have to try to make her understand and you have to try to stand your ground and not give in and let things continue to go as they are. Maybe she wont have to be in a homeless shelter. Maybe you can be around somewhere fairly close and check on things every now and again when you have the time. If she has any close friends, maybe they could help out also.
This is such a hard and sad situation and I really hope that everything will work out to be okay somehow. I mean I understand that she definately needs help and doesnt need to be completely alone, but at the same time, this situation isnt good for either of you.