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Drunk infidelity, how did I become that guy?
anonymalt
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Well shit. There probably isn't even a need for me to be anonymous about this, but I feel so fucking horrible about it that I had to make an alt. I hope that's okay.
I fucked up bad. I thought I dreamed this for most of yesterday, but it definitely happened. My memories are vivid in spots but empty in others, so I'll tell it the best I can.
On new years eve, I went on a trip to spend a few days with a big group of my dearest friends from college, many of whom I haven't seen since graduation a year and a half ago. I had a combination of copious amounts of alcohol and a recreational prescription that I haven't had in years. As a big group of us were changing parties, I somehow was coaxed into driving my car (something I never ever do intoxicated, god knows why I agreed to it). It ended up being just me and my best friend's wife who is also an old friend of mine (they live on the opposite end of the country, haven't seen them since May). She had been flirting with me all night. At some point, I called her on it. The conversation led to how horribly she has been misled by her husband throughout the year and a half of their marriage. He's a disaster right now. He's spent the entirety of their marriage on the couch, dropped out of grad school after moving across the country for it but before even going to his first day, and gained somewhere around a hundred pounds. Even during this big trip he would either not go out with us or go out for an hour or so then go home alone. On new years eve he came to dinner then left alone at 8:30 to go watch TV. I've been trying to talk to him about things for months, but he clearly says what he thinks I want to hear and blows me off. I knew things were bad between them, but she made it clear they were much worse than I thought. I'm not sure if I should even say this, but apparently they haven't even had sex. Not once.
Then things headed south. She started telling me about how she was regretting being with him, especially after seeing the way my life is going now (I was the lazy fat unmotivated slob in college; 2008 was my big change year). My memory of the conversation gets very vague here, but I started complimenting her in return, and the next thing I know she's putting my hand up her dress. The fact that I did not stop her could not be any more out of character for me, but my mind was completely turned off. I ended up servicing her while I drove to the party. We barely even talked at the party, but there was no awkwardness at all, which was part of what made me think it didn't actually happen the next day.
I have never hated myself more. I'm the fucking true blue friend. My friends have ALWAYS told me that I'm the one they count on for things. I've never let a friend down in my life, and knowing that this is about the worst thing I could do to him fucking kills me. I'm not the guy that would do this at all. Of course he has no idea, and neither of us acted like the smallest thing happened when we hung out all day the following day (for all I know she doesn't remember it at all, she was as gone as I was.)
I don't even know if I'm asking for advice. Maybe I just needed a fucking confessional. Just recalling this now makes me feel like I'm not the person I always have been. Is this unforgivable?
I fucked up bad. I thought I dreamed this for most of yesterday, but it definitely happened. My memories are vivid in spots but empty in others, so I'll tell it the best I can.
On new years eve, I went on a trip to spend a few days with a big group of my dearest friends from college, many of whom I haven't seen since graduation a year and a half ago. I had a combination of copious amounts of alcohol and a recreational prescription that I haven't had in years. As a big group of us were changing parties, I somehow was coaxed into driving my car (something I never ever do intoxicated, god knows why I agreed to it). It ended up being just me and my best friend's wife who is also an old friend of mine (they live on the opposite end of the country, haven't seen them since May). She had been flirting with me all night. At some point, I called her on it. The conversation led to how horribly she has been misled by her husband throughout the year and a half of their marriage. He's a disaster right now. He's spent the entirety of their marriage on the couch, dropped out of grad school after moving across the country for it but before even going to his first day, and gained somewhere around a hundred pounds. Even during this big trip he would either not go out with us or go out for an hour or so then go home alone. On new years eve he came to dinner then left alone at 8:30 to go watch TV. I've been trying to talk to him about things for months, but he clearly says what he thinks I want to hear and blows me off. I knew things were bad between them, but she made it clear they were much worse than I thought. I'm not sure if I should even say this, but apparently they haven't even had sex. Not once.
Then things headed south. She started telling me about how she was regretting being with him, especially after seeing the way my life is going now (I was the lazy fat unmotivated slob in college; 2008 was my big change year). My memory of the conversation gets very vague here, but I started complimenting her in return, and the next thing I know she's putting my hand up her dress. The fact that I did not stop her could not be any more out of character for me, but my mind was completely turned off. I ended up servicing her while I drove to the party. We barely even talked at the party, but there was no awkwardness at all, which was part of what made me think it didn't actually happen the next day.
I have never hated myself more. I'm the fucking true blue friend. My friends have ALWAYS told me that I'm the one they count on for things. I've never let a friend down in my life, and knowing that this is about the worst thing I could do to him fucking kills me. I'm not the guy that would do this at all. Of course he has no idea, and neither of us acted like the smallest thing happened when we hung out all day the following day (for all I know she doesn't remember it at all, she was as gone as I was.)
I don't even know if I'm asking for advice. Maybe I just needed a fucking confessional. Just recalling this now makes me feel like I'm not the person I always have been. Is this unforgivable?
anonymalt on
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Be understanding if he's mad at you, even to the point of not wanting to talk or be friends with you anymore. In all likelihood it'll probably take him a while to realize that despite what you did you are true friend, and then he'll come around again. It may even take until he notices things going south with her until he realizes.
That said, don't drive drunk. You've made it obvious in your OP that this is out of character for you, so I'm not going to rag at you for it, but seriously, if you hit and kill someone you will feel much much worse than you feel right now, not even to mention if you kill yourself, or perhaps even worse, permanently paralyze yourself. I make a habit of ensuring there is no way I can get to my car/turn it on when I'm drinking. Maybe it'd be a good idea for you to try something similar. Get a DD, a taxi, the bus, whatever, leave your car key and/or car at home.
Breaking apart their marriage isn't your job, so don't try to blame her completely. Just go to him, be honest, show you regret what you did, but don't get all "what a bitch" or anything. I'm not saying thats the kind of person you are, but as I don't know what kind of person you are figured it might be helpful.
Too many people get into the blame game with stuff like this, when really it was partially both of your faults and you should really leave it up to your friend to decide how he feels about it himself.
He isn't going to appreciate it, and there's a better than even chance you're going to lose him as a friend. For good.
But yeah, it's the right (and very difficult) thing to do, so you should do it.
I'm assuming servicing is a hand job type thing here?
I hate to be the devils advocate here, but if it were me I'd probably let this one go.
Worst thing that happens is that at some point it comes out as their relationship is disintegrating anyway, you have reasonable deniability if it does come up as you were both extremely drunk ("Man, I was so out of it I have no clue what happened that night"), you didn't actually have sex...
Why torpedo their relationship and your friendship over that, unless it does end up looking like it will be a problem?
I wouldn't even talk to the girl about it, other than to say an "oh really? I was pretty drunk, I don't remember" if she brought it up.
If I drink any kind of hard alcohols my brain takes a walk so I avoid them at all costs.
I made a TD for iphone and windows phone!
Umm, the fact that the wife cheated on his friend is a pretty good indication that they already have a problem. OP, if he's truly a good friend, you need to tell him.
I think you should tell the wife how you feel, and if she decides to confess, then be there for that. This should be her secret; it's her relationship that's at risk here.
You also need to get some help for your drink driving, shit like this kills people, man up...
Don't feel like a complete ass though about the "servicing" sounds like she was driving that ship! granted you should have stopped her, slight mistake there.
Tough break, good luck.
"So alternate, against the grain, anti establishment - so you're just a regular joe again, right?"
THIS.
Please ignore the people advising you to tell him. That is absolutely the wrong thing to do here. You won't even feel better yourself, because you'll have destroyed a marriage.
You want to be a real friend? Talk to the wife, let her know it was a one time thing and you will never speak of it again. Then be there for your friend and help him get out of the depression or whatever he is experiencing right now. Help him save his marriage. That's being a real friend in this situation.
took out her barrettes and her hair spilled out like rootbeer
Also, if you're that guy that clipped me on New Year's while I was walking home, I am going to punch you.
I wish you were all around about five months ago.
Someone I did something with came out of the blue, a year after something happened between me and her and decided to tell everyone the truth about that night (including my ex-girlfriend).
Fucked me over bigtime.
I made a TD for iphone and windows phone!
Oh, please. He will have destroyed a marriage? Not only was she the one cheating on her husband, she initiated it! Clearly their marriage is already a wreck.
Think about it this way: If your friend fooled around with your spouse at her initiation, would you want him to tell you, or would you rather just go on not knowing how bad things really are?
I'd want to know. I'd be fucking pissed, yeah, and the guy who cheated with my wife probably wouldn't be my friend anymore. But at least I'd know the lay of the land, instead of going on being deceived by two people I care about, and not knowing how messed up things really were.
Edit: By the way, OP, if you can't make yourself man up and tell him what happened, at least have the decency to cut off contact with both of them. Continuing to hang out with this guy after this is going to be like lying through your teeth.
Think about things from his perspective.
If this were a single mistake in an otherwise healthy marriage, then I'd definately throw my vote behind "Shut the fuck up about it." But, this marriage is apparently not doing well, so it's a possibility that over the course of an argument, divorce proceedings, whatever, she's gonna reveal what happened. And then, unless your friend is the understanding type, you're screwed (or you can deny, deny, deny.)
Honestly, I don't know what you should do. But, whatever it is, it should involve talking to the wife and figuring this out together. But only talk over the phone.
That's decent advice.
But I suggest perhaps telling the woman to man up , since she seems to be the one who is unhappy and the one who put your hand up her skirt. It would be forgivable to even leave the "He gave me an orgasm" part out of it. She doesn't seem to be **really** into you, so you don't have to play that angle.
Me personally, I don't know what I would do, but if you need to confess than I would talk to her and let her know that if she doesn't tell your friend about it first, that you will. Give her that choice.
It's her life and her marraige would potentially be a wreck because of this. Maybe it is too far gone to fix (as your thread would suggest). She seems unhappy. She revealed that to you.
Maybe this is what their marraige needs.
Maybe you won't be their friend after this. That's a sad thing but a truth of the situation now.
Maybe all you needed what a confessional and you did the right thing coming here and typing that. (unless he reads PA) But, judging from your OP, you want to do things until the end.
There's not going to be a happy way out of this, unfortunately. But there is a right and a wrong way to address it.
Pro.
- You get the "servicing" out there an perhaps feel a little less guilty.
- Sorry - I can't think of more to the Pro-list!
Con.
- You most likely lose a friend (if not two)
- You mess around in their marriage which is not really your business.
Sounds to me like the marriage is gonna end whatever and this will most likely mean at some point you will need to chose which of the two you wanna stay friends with. Perhaps you should do it now - especially if you're sort of interested in being more than friends with the female in question.
Based on how you wrote the above, it sound slike you may also have a hard time looking/talking to the guy in the future, which can create it's own awkwardness as well...
IMHO the best thing to do would be to tell him as you told us ASAP, this is the type of thing that waiting will make it worse, basically just something to the effect of, "Um, hey, dude, the other night we were all partying, drinking, having a fantastic time, but while we were driving from point A to point B your wife was seriously coming on to me, and honestly I was so plastered I'm not even sure this acually happened, but she made me do things that I don't normally do. <Describe what was done here, leave out in-depth details as those will anger>. I'm telling you this from regret and I'm sorry for what I did, I was not myself, and honestly did not have full control over my actions do to how drunk I was. I apologize."
Honestly, I would claim to be a vitim, primarily because she initiated and technically took advantage of your drunken state.
But also emphasize that you were also so drunk that you're not etirely sure it happened...
The bonus to stating your drunken state is that when the wife does deny it you can be comforted by the fact that you did tell him, she'll probably not do it again with you, possible hate you, and overall the situation should resolve itself within a couple months...
Ultimately go with your brain on this one, not your heart.
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That's cop out. If he is going to tell his friend, then he'll have to take full responsibility for what he did. It doesn't matter if she initiated it or how much they had to drink. It's complete bullshit to lay most of the blame on the girl.
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It might also be wise to check with her and see if she wants to discuss things further, if she does, then it implies a lack of regret, which means a willingness to do it again, whether with you or someone else, this would also be grounds for telling as it means she's a loose cannon. If she does show regret, then it means you were both drunk off your asses enough to have made a mistake, where it might be wise to go to him together. Either way, I wouldn't sit on it...
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No. Intentional inebriation in no way equals retarded. OP was sober enough to drive and to fully recollect everything that happened. The fault is equally his.
This girl was apparently an old friend and not just the wife of a friend. If you're gonna tell, OP, at least don't sell out the people you have a past with.
So he should confront the wife (who is also his long-time friend). Tell her that you need to talk about "that night," but not because you're falling for her or because she's hot -- but because if she doesn't act, she's going to do something stupid, like cheat on her husband for reals.
If she's truly as unhappy as she says, you should encourage her to seek a divorce and move on to greener pastures. Remember, SHE is your friend as well. It's probably the wake-up call your male friend needs, as well. Use the fact that you touched her bits as a way of saying "Look, I'm your friend, and I know you did that because you're unhappy in your marriage. But if you don't deal with your problem, you're probably going to do something you regret down the road."
I mean honestly, how is she not tking advantage of him? Hell, she initiated and everything, his only real mistake was not stopping himself, which would be mostly in part be due to his inebriation...
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Think of it like this. If your life is in a slump, you gained 100 lbs, you're depressed (sounds like he's depressed), you dropped out of grad school, etc etc. Do you want to know what your wife confessed to your one of your friend? The answer is going to be different for everybody, some people would want to know. Others would want to live in ignorant bliss. As of now you're the one who best know him in this thread, so I'm pretty sure you already know how he's going to take it. Telling him might just push him to lead a better life, or it might lead him down suicide.
Personally I would want to know. The difference between friends and friends is that friends will only tell you things that would brighten up your day. Friends arnt afraid to give you a tongue lashing: "You grew lazy, you're getting no where, and your wife is falling out of love with you.". Cause honestly, friends do what's best for each other.
This. People advising you to tell the husband are about as wrong as a really wrong thing erroneously turning the wrong way down the wrong street in Wrongsville.
She is married to him, thus she was primarily the one cheating, whether he is a friend or not. If you tell him, you salve your own conscience and totally screw her. If you actually want to do the right thing for giving them the best shot, instead of the Right Thing (TM), then you will leave the decision whether to tell him up to her, because it is only her fessing up that will make him even remotely likely to forgive her.
And that too.
Because he could have still said no, but he still allowed whatever happened to happen. It doesn't matter if he was drunk or stoned or too distracted by the boobies, accepting only partial responsibility because you were fucked up (which is a personal choice) is a cop out. It goes the same for punching someone, smashing your car into a telephone pole or feeling up Ivana Trump. Being fucked up is not an excuse for anything, and God help us if it were.
But, this whole thing is stepping into D&D territory.
There is a major problem in their relationship and that needs to get sorted out. Depending on how close you are to the husband an what you friendship is/will be, you may feel compelled to tell her. That kinda thing can really weigh on you.
I would talk to her and only her about this right now. I've been in a barely similar situation where the girl was with someone but fooled around with me. Two out of two times I never told the guy, one time I was friends with him (more so with her), but since I talked to the girls afterwards about what just happened, what it meant, and that I think she should tell the guy, I felt okay with it. Telling the guy can't be undone. If he asks you though, I don't know if I would consider lying about it.
And you never, ever drive drunk. Especially so drunk that you don't know what's going on. Holy fucking hell that's not okay.
CUZ THERE'S SOMETHING IN THE MIDDLE AND IT'S GIVING ME A RASH
He already messed around in their marriage. That's done and can't be undone, and you must remember that he's not some innocent third party in this.
He should do it because it is what he ought to do, not because it's the easiest thing to do.
Is it going to make everyone feel better? No. But it's going to be the truth.
Alternatively, the "talking to the wife and urging her to bring it up to him" is a good path as well. But for your friends' sake, someone should be bringing this up. This is going to bite him in the ass, hard, if she's messing around with people behind his back. Don't assume you're the first, or the last.
EDIT: Think about if you were the friend. Would you rather find out, years from now, that your wife had been messing around with a lot of people including someone (or many people) you thought were your friends... or would you rather find out immediately and deal with it so you can move on instead of feeling like you wasted years of your life?
If you don't say something to him, you should at least encourage her to do so and let her know in no uncertain terms that you think what you two did was something that should not have been done.
I know that I'd rather know if I was in his shoes, as hard as it would be at the time.
You know how he'd react best, if right now is the opportune moment to tell him. From the sounds of it he's having trouble with his life as it is, maybe telling him would be a negative thing right now, and could be better saved for when he's getting better. The only thing you really need to be careful of is that he doesn't find out without you being at least part of the source.