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More than a swim partner!!! ( Dating an older guy )
Talkc
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Ok. So ive been swimming at the local Health Club for the past 2 years. After six months there, i started swimming with a group of people. The group disintergrated leaving me and my current swim partner Rey.
Rey is 31. He is handsome. He is funny. He is intelligent and sweet. He is 9 years older than me.... HE IS 9 years older than me. He also is a recent divorcee...
I found out why he divorced. He is gay. Since then we have spent our time swimming and talking about everything in the past year.
He helped talk me through my last "relationship" to the best of his advice.
In a way i really like him. I view him like a sweet older brother. At least that is what i thought.
Then he recently ( thursday ) said "I really like you, did ya know that?". I just smiled and said i liked him too. I dont think i realized what he was getting at.
Cause Friday... he asked me out.
I felt like i was hit by a ton of bricks. I mean we have eaten dinner together before ( with his family .. and my mom was there.. ) . But no.. this is a date he is talking about.
I told him i didnt know what to think. I had no idea he really liked me. And most of the time ive known him, he has been married. I began to think of him as just being off limits.
So now... we have a date tomorrow night. And i honestly am panicking so bad i cant think straight. Ive known Rey a long time now. And he is a really good guy. And honestly... i think i do like him.
But he is older. And i mean, im a student, and he is a businessman.... And.... *ARGH*
Someone please... just talk me through this... normally Rey is who i go to for this, and now i feel i have no one i can just get a simple head straightening from.
I mean... im not doing anything wrong here am i? Is this a bad idea? I dont even know how to tell my mother about this.
Please help.
Rey is 31. He is handsome. He is funny. He is intelligent and sweet. He is 9 years older than me.... HE IS 9 years older than me. He also is a recent divorcee...
I found out why he divorced. He is gay. Since then we have spent our time swimming and talking about everything in the past year.
He helped talk me through my last "relationship" to the best of his advice.
In a way i really like him. I view him like a sweet older brother. At least that is what i thought.
Then he recently ( thursday ) said "I really like you, did ya know that?". I just smiled and said i liked him too. I dont think i realized what he was getting at.
Cause Friday... he asked me out.
I felt like i was hit by a ton of bricks. I mean we have eaten dinner together before ( with his family .. and my mom was there.. ) . But no.. this is a date he is talking about.
I told him i didnt know what to think. I had no idea he really liked me. And most of the time ive known him, he has been married. I began to think of him as just being off limits.
So now... we have a date tomorrow night. And i honestly am panicking so bad i cant think straight. Ive known Rey a long time now. And he is a really good guy. And honestly... i think i do like him.
But he is older. And i mean, im a student, and he is a businessman.... And.... *ARGH*
Someone please... just talk me through this... normally Rey is who i go to for this, and now i feel i have no one i can just get a simple head straightening from.
I mean... im not doing anything wrong here am i? Is this a bad idea? I dont even know how to tell my mother about this.
Please help.
Talkc on
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Just to be more knowledgeable. Is it the older guy part or it being this guy in particular? Or the fact that its a guy?
By the OPs past H/A posting history, I know that his mother doesn't seem to have a problem with him being gay. I think the issue is Rey's age.
OP, I think it's up to you. It is not unheard of for people to date others 10 years their senior, and if you don't have a problem with it then why should anyone else's opinion matter? On the other hand, Rey has been your confidant and good friend for a while now and if you feel that a relationship with Rey would hurt that part of your friendship, I say don't do it.
Well as im openly gay.... the guy part is not a factor.
Its partially he is older... and partially its HIM. Its like... i donno... dating your professor in college.
Its like having a mentor... and then.. turning around and wanting to get in their pants.
It just seems wrong.
And i feel conflicted to a severe degree.
I'm not trying to sound mean or anything, but maybe you should learn not to panic so much regarding dates.
You say you think you like him. That's what the date you'll be on is for. Maybe he turns out to be awesome in all the ways you want him to be, maybe it'll be awkward, but at least you'll know.
Is it destined to be a long term thing? Impossible to tell. My last BF was 10 years older than I am, and I was with him for six years (24-29). My current boyfriend and his ex had a 10 year age difference as well, and they were together for 11.5 years. It can certainly work. Conversely, when I was 18/19, I dated a guy who was 14 years older than I was, and though I had no problem with it, he had a lot of issues with it because he felt that we were incompatible socially (which we kind of were).
Everyone is different. Sometimes you'll meet someone your own age that is a great match for you, and sometimes you'll meet someone years older or younger that is as well. As long as it's not illegal, and both of you are ok with it, there really shouldn't be a problem. People achieve different levels of maturity and life experience at various ages, and there really is no set rule for "this many years is ok, and this many isn't."
Besides, it's just a date. It can't hurt to go, just to see what happens.
And don't be afraid to tell the guy you feel conflicted.
Other than your discomfort, there isn't a problem here. That's an important problem to be sure but it's one that can go away.
Ten years really isn't that bad. Another year, you'll be in "half your age plus seven" range. Just take it for what it is; it's unlikely to be a long-term thing, but so what? Live a little.
Hmm sorry for my ignorance on this- I'm not a constant frequenter of Help/Advice.
I wish I could offer more advice, but it seems like those who know you better (here) probably have better input.
Imagining the mentor scenario in my own shoes. I could see where that would be a little weird especially if they helped you out during trying times and fulfilled a sorta brotherly role over an extended period of time. Y, know as opposed to just a month or something.
Obviously you agreed to go on a date with him. So in someways that old image is kinda gone forever. And I could see that as a bit of a bummer- the loss of a (pure-in role) mentor. If that is part of the problem I would think- thinking of it in terms that if you date this guy - you might potentially find yourself in an even more rewarding relationship. (I know this isn't necessarily how it will turn out, but it theoretically could and does provide you with a logic behind even trying the date).
I've never been in your position with the age thing. If you find him attractive and its mainly societies issues vs. your own (e.g. if you had your choice in things you would rather be with someone closer to your age). Then I don't really see a problem.
Potentially, if this guy just got out of a marriage- he might be discovering a fair amount about himself. So there could be some common crowd between you two (since most young people are still discovering alot about themselves).
Older people too for that manner...
Sorry if what I'm saying isn't of any help..But I hope things turn out ok either way 8-)
When you're young, 9 years seems like a lot. When I was 17 I liked a guy who was 22 and that seemed like a huge difference to me, but not as much anymore. *shrugs*
If the guy has talked to you about how you feel before, I don't see why you can't talk to him about what you feel about the age difference. Don't do it on the date though...just have some fun. Also, if the guy just got out of his marriage I doubt he's really looking into getting into a serious relationship right away...he probably just wants to go on a date to have fun and feel normal for awhile.
I have no experience with it... so the concept was just new to me.
I guess it will be fine. I hope so at least. I mean he is someone i really like.. id be stupid not to see if something is there.
It's not weird at all. Sometimes people make joke about it. Some people wouldn't consider it. Some people prefer it. But it's not socially unacceptable or weird, especially a 9 year difference. Different problems can arise for people together who are in different stages in their lives...but every relationship has it's own hurdles to overcome.
Unless you're dating someone born on the same day during the same year as yourself, one person in that relationship is gonna be dating someone older.
What matters is less the number and more whether or not you click on an intellectual and emotional level, and you have roughly similar maturity levels. And though frequently those factors tend to be correlated to the ages of the people in a relationship, the correlation becomes much looser once you hit your 20s.
Of course, if you're just plain uncomfortable with dating someone his age, well that pretty much defines up front how well it's gonna work. You wouldn't be violating any unspoken rules of dating by going out with him though.
CUZ THERE'S SOMETHING IN THE MIDDLE AND IT'S GIVING ME A RASH
I'm sure he will help with that too. :winky:
don't let age be a deciding factor
As I see it, there are only two things that can be an issue in a relationship with a big age gap. I dated a girl who was really big on "I'm older and thus know best" (nevermind that I started college two years before her), and that gets unhealthy in a hurry. Not everybody is like that, though. The other potential pitfall is baggage (and with a straight marriage under his belt, I'd be shocked if he didn't have some), but again, that's only a problem if one of you makes it into one.
Lastly, you seem to look at him as something of a mentor, but honestly, he seems like more of a confidant. Let me ask you this: If he was 22, would you view your relationship (as friends) differently? Just because you turn to him for advice and a friendly ear, that doesn't mean you can't pursue a relationship -- lord knows that every time I've fallen hard, it's been for someone who was a confidant first. "I feel like I can trust this person with anything" isn't exactly a bad thing to hang a relationship on.
He sounds like a great guy. Give it a shot.
How recent was his divorce? How much time has gone past since Rey has thrown his life into upheaval?
Sounds harmless, in fact I would say that you'll probably have a great time. Rey is no different because he asked you out for a night, and in fact I would wager to say that you may find yourself surprised by the ease of the evening. Just move slow and know that it is the same Rey who you've known and trusted for the last year.
Basically, what I'm saying is that you shouldn't let the fact that he's your friend and you don't want to hurt his feelings interfere with the truth of the situation. If the truth is that you're uncomfortable, you're not doing yourself (or him, in the long term) any service by pretending to be comfortable with it.
Be upfront, and if he's a good friend he'll understand. If he gives you grief about it... well, he has some growing up to do.
Yet people that are only a little bit older than me love 80s music, in a non-ironic way. Point is, I also couldn't get along with someone who is still in college now, as the lifestyle of class + no job or part-time job + big job dreams just doesn't jive with my current lifestyle of job + mortgage. My taste in all sorts of media has had time to become defined, as well, which means I can explain what I like, without just saying "well, you know, I like all kinds of stuff."
But when you're open to dating people, sometimes you just have to see what's up. Within any generation of people, there are going to be those who associate with things towards the beginning or end of whatever, and age is only a rough indicator. A love of cinema overall, for example, won't be affected by age. A love of an actor who was active for a range of years will be.
So, it happens. If you can get past it it's not that big a deal. If you can't.. well.. you can't.
If it turns out you can't relate to him, well, you'll both figure that out. If it exceeds your expectations concerns, then that's great.
added: Oh yeah, the person who told you to chill out and stop feeling panicked because dating is supposed to be fun? Pretend I limed that because it's true. It's okay to feel panicky, but it's important to have a friend who will tell you to chill the eff out when it's excessive so you can listen to that person and realize, dude, this isn't worth panicking over! A guy asked you out! That's not reason for an anxiety attack, that's reason for awesomeness.
That's what it's for, to find out if you're compatible. If it's weird after the first date just tell him so.
It's all about giving it a shot, that's what dating is.
We then took a short walk out by the river, but got cold real quick and decided to head back to his car. Then we drove out to the lake and drove around while talking about San Angelo and stuff.
After that we headed back here, and watched a movie i just got ( A Touch of Pink... it has Kyle Maclauchlin [sp] playing Cary Grant ).
I sent him home with some cookies i made today.
We kissed in the car port for what seemed like forever. Im going to see him tomorrow for swimming and then we are going to plan the next time we are going to hang out.
Starting out... i instantly felt like a geeky loser... but he just hugged me and said "Calm down" and everything just melted away... it just felt right.
Also on the issue of trust. There are only 2 other people i trust as much as Rey. My best friend who moved to Pennsylvania.... and my mother.
A large concern i didnt voice was whether or not i wanted to jeopardize my friendship with him. But i dont think that is even an issue. He is the kind of person that can remain dedicated to his family after a bad divorce, and not hold any anger towards his ex wife. I dont see him stripping me out of his life just because of a silly break up, and im not one to do that either to those i really trust.
Tonight was wonderful though. I think we made a scene at Henry's Diner, cause we kept saying "Taste this" And reaching over with our forks to feed each other bites.
And of course Fabulous David ( my mom's best friend... ) had to visit with us for a while since he works there. Which led to all three of us making catty comments about the girls sitting across the room dressed as goth hookers or whatever they want to call themselves. I suggested that the one should hang a pocket watch off the chain she had running from her ear to her nose. We kinda made a scene....
Anyways.. It went great. I also learned its hard to feed someone salsa on a chip if you are laughing like an idiot.
At this point i dont know what i was so worried about... Its like dating a really good friend. It just feels good.
Thanks for helping to keep my head on straight all of you. I appreciate it.
Ill update if anything neato happens this week.
I hope things go better than last time, I'll be keeping my fingers crossed for you. Keep us updated.
They almost have to, right? This one sounds great, the last one was kind of a sleaze. :P
Glad things went well. Don't go getting ahead of yourself, but continue to have fun, and do keep us updated! H/A is where people come with their problems (you know how you can tell it's winter? No one here has complained about a mysterious spider bite in a month and a half) so while we're always happy to draw on our personal experiences and insight to help people with questions, I'm sure I'm not alone when I say that we like it when people come back to H/A and tell us when things are going well, just for a change of pace.
Brother, congratulations, that sounds like a wicked good time. Glad things work out. And man, I understand about the losing the friend thing, so I'm glad you took the risk. And also, I find it to be really special when I find someone I can be real bitch with. Mostly because I like making fun of people. So good for you.
Currently painting: Slowly [flickr]
Anytime would be good.
He loves cookies... i knew that a long time ago. He makes a habit of stopping at bakeries and getting cookies.
So i need some good cookie recipies. I have one from my cake mix book about how to make these soft "touch of honey" cookies. But as i usually bake cakes, i need some cookie recipies.
Im thinking about changing the name of this thread to coincide with my new pursuit.
He hugged me before we left the health club.
I told him i really like him too. I feel like im falling for him... but it really is too soon to tell.
All i know, is im glad things are taking off smoothly.
Tomorrow im making a nice dinner for him, then we are going to watch a movie at my place.
Thank you all again for your advice. I wouldnt have been able to take the steps forward i needed to without getting my head set on straight before hand.
http://www.goonswithspoons.com/Chocolate_Chip_Raspberry_Ripple_Icecream_Sandwich_Cookies
Takes a bit to make but they will melt someones heart as fast as the icecream which they contain :P
Thanks so much for the recipe!!! These will be great!!
Must get ingredients tonight!