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Boyfriend issue
TKid
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Hello denizens of H&A.
I've made a few posts on here in the past seeking advice with my boyfriend. I'll go ahead and recap the situation so everyone's clear on it.
I am a gay male and I first met my boyfriend through a message board. After talking online for nearly 3 years we decided he'd move in with me. I was apprehensive at first(you know, it's hard to trust people on the internet these days), but I took a leap of faith. And until recently I hadn't had any problems and I've really enjoyed having him around. He's lived here close to a year at this point.
The first problem occurred in July. I got on his laptop one day and started sniffing through his files out of boredom. I come across a saved Yahoo! IM conversation from where he'd masturbated on webcam with a guy he met at college. This event occurred just a few weeks after he moved in with me.
When confronted, he first lied and said that it had never happened. After being informed that I'd in fact seen the conversation, he got extremely defensive, told me it was "none of my fucking business" and promptly stomped out of the apartment. Eventually I move on and get over it. It's just some guy 1000 miles away who can't touch him.
Things go great for a few months, he's short tempered for no apparent reason now and again but nothing major. However, tonight my friend found his myspace account(Which I had no idea about). On this account he's soliciting more webcam sessions with other guys, stating he's single, etc. Now I freak out. I ask him about it, he gets pissed and storms out of the apartment, again.
I'll admit there are some odd things about the site. Such as the fact that the myspace profile is one enormous image that links to some strange myspace skinning site(Myspacemonk or something) and some of the stuff written on the page doesn't sound like things he'd say, ever. However, the pictures are indeed his and all the information(except his current relationship status) are accurate.
I'm at a loss now, for what to do with the situation. I really, really love him, but I can't decide whether what he's done is cheating, or whether I should even be upset over it. I know he cares about me, but if he does, then why does he do things such as this when he knows they hurt me? I really want to try to make this work.
I'm seeking your advice H/A, because you've never steered me wrong in the past. I wish I could phrase my questions better, but I really just need some unbiased views of the situation and possible solutions. Any advice you guys are willing to offer me will be considered in full.
I've made a few posts on here in the past seeking advice with my boyfriend. I'll go ahead and recap the situation so everyone's clear on it.
I am a gay male and I first met my boyfriend through a message board. After talking online for nearly 3 years we decided he'd move in with me. I was apprehensive at first(you know, it's hard to trust people on the internet these days), but I took a leap of faith. And until recently I hadn't had any problems and I've really enjoyed having him around. He's lived here close to a year at this point.
The first problem occurred in July. I got on his laptop one day and started sniffing through his files out of boredom. I come across a saved Yahoo! IM conversation from where he'd masturbated on webcam with a guy he met at college. This event occurred just a few weeks after he moved in with me.
When confronted, he first lied and said that it had never happened. After being informed that I'd in fact seen the conversation, he got extremely defensive, told me it was "none of my fucking business" and promptly stomped out of the apartment. Eventually I move on and get over it. It's just some guy 1000 miles away who can't touch him.
Things go great for a few months, he's short tempered for no apparent reason now and again but nothing major. However, tonight my friend found his myspace account(Which I had no idea about). On this account he's soliciting more webcam sessions with other guys, stating he's single, etc. Now I freak out. I ask him about it, he gets pissed and storms out of the apartment, again.
I'll admit there are some odd things about the site. Such as the fact that the myspace profile is one enormous image that links to some strange myspace skinning site(Myspacemonk or something) and some of the stuff written on the page doesn't sound like things he'd say, ever. However, the pictures are indeed his and all the information(except his current relationship status) are accurate.
I'm at a loss now, for what to do with the situation. I really, really love him, but I can't decide whether what he's done is cheating, or whether I should even be upset over it. I know he cares about me, but if he does, then why does he do things such as this when he knows they hurt me? I really want to try to make this work.
I'm seeking your advice H/A, because you've never steered me wrong in the past. I wish I could phrase my questions better, but I really just need some unbiased views of the situation and possible solutions. Any advice you guys are willing to offer me will be considered in full.
TKid on
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I'm aware that it wasn't the wisest decision at the time, but leap of faith, like I said.
https://medium.com/@alascii
However, if the account was fired up after you flipped out on him over the cyberspank session, then yes, I would consider it cheating. He knew you had a problem with that type of behavior, and instead of discussing it, maybe coming to a compromise, etc., he did it behind your back. If it's been dormant since then and has the contact info stripped out of it, it's something you need to have a talk about. If he can't do that without pitching a fit and stomping out of the apartment, you might want to rethink the potential for a future with this dude. Communication is vital to a relationship's health.
I know it was a bad idea for me to go digging through his laptop, but it wasn't like I had malintent in doing so. I didn't expect to find anything.
I've never been able to get a straight answer out of him in regards to anything. Every time I try to discuss a problem he get short tempered and goes off on this "Just get over it!" or "Put it behind you!" rant. I thought he was getting better about it, but I was mistaken it would seem.
In regards to the MySpace skinning site, it's my understanding that the website just allows you to customize your own MySpace page with their software rather than editing code or whatnot by hand. I hadn't considered the possibility that the information may have been phished, but either way he had to have fed it what it's got, and part of what it's got is "Relationship status: Single". Also, some of his friends have posted comments.
How old are you two?
And you may be on to something, because I did approach him with an edge to my voice last night, but any other time I want an answer for something I just talk like I normally do. I did that the first time I found that conversation, and it led to him getting pissed and storm out. So, damned if I do/don't I suppose.
It might just be that this guy isn't mature enough to be in a committed relationship yet, or that he just went in with you to get out of his parents' house and was looking for more a roommate-with-privileges than a committed relationship, or that you're just not right for each other, but...it doesn't sound like he's willing to be open about his online activities with you, and to me, that's a rather large warning sign.
It's also possible that he was pissed at you for snooping, and that the previous incident was feeding into this one for both of you. This is less likely if it's a pattern that your discussions about anything contentious fall into, though. It's something you'll have to figure out for yourself, but it's something to keep in mind while doing your figuring.
On the other hand, now that I'm typing this up, maybe it's not emotional at all -- maybe it's a kink that he's embarrassed about. Rather than getting off on porn, he gets off on other guys watching him. There may be no "relationship" stuff involved, but rather it's something he's into.
In other words, he could be in the happiest relationship but still get off on guys on the internet watching him masturbate.
You do need to confront him, but you need to approach it from the point of view that he's protective about it. You need to ask "hey, a buddy of mine found your myspace page and told me it says you're single on there. what's up with that?" He'll probably get angry, at which point you need to say "hey, dude, don't get angry over this. We've been living together for 8 months and being mad isn't gonna make anything better. Are you bored with me? Or is this a kink that you didn't want me to know about?"
I mean, it may be as innocuous as a guy looking at porn, or, in a particularly boring night, searching craigslist just to see who is actually out there. Does that mean he's cheating? He could just be horny.
All I can say is this. If you have doubts about things and good reason for those doubts to be there, then you need to follow your heart and instinct. If you feel he is just messing with your head and doing you wrong then 9 times out of 10 you are probably right. It seems to me that you care a lot more for this guy and the relationship than he does. Without trust, you dont have anything really, and are just trying to hold on to something that will never work unless you can reach some sort of agreement and everything comes to surface.
I know that its hard. I have a similar situation myself, and it is indeed hard to let go if you really care for someone. But if things get better for a few days then its back to square 1, you need to stop the roller coaster and let yourself be happy. If things continue the way they are, then you will never be able to truly be happy.
You know, after reading over my post, I think maybe i need to try to take my own advice.
@EggyToast: I don't think I can deal with a kink like this, to me he may just as well be sitting there screwing the guy. I feel that in a relationship, what's under the clothes is only between the two people involved.
@SuperSweetie: This has been a cycle, and I'm getting sick of it. I've got to convince him that the truth goes a long way with me. Hopefully at some point he'll listen. We're both stubborn as hell.
I got sick at work and came home earlier, only to be greeted with the silent treatment, as if I've done something wrong. I asked if he wanted to talk "Nope, not at all". Which isn't going to float this boat right now. I think he may be more pissed at himself than me.
Also, I checked when I got home and the MySpace page has been removed. Perhaps a change in ways?
I know exactly how you feel and sure since you found that page, he will get rid of it. But that doesnt mean that there isnt a ton of other things that you have no idea about yet. It does become a cycle and though you may have 3 or 4 good days, the hurt and anger is still there inside of you and it becomes too much to deal with. Therefore the least thing he does wrong, you will vent all of your anger toward him and in turn, he will cuss you and say terrible things to you. And lets not forget, he will probably try and justify his wrongs, by somehow turning the blame toward you, saying you are making a big issue over nothing.
I truly hope that it is a change of heart, but please try to stop the cycle if you are unhappy, before it just keeps getting worse. There were days that I sit and cried and couldnt do anything. I stayed sick at my stomache and got to a point where i would be like okay, I dont care im just going to try and forget everything and let it be and see if anything else happens. Well, even during that time, I found myself second guessing everything that was being said or done. You get to a point where you feel more afraid, wondering whats going to happen next, when he holds you in his arms, rather than just being able to enjoy your time together.
Its not a good situation to be in at all. Ive always heard that love is enough, but to be honest, I dont think that is completely true. The SAME love, and respect and dedication has to be there on BOTH sides.
If he's unable to communicate with and gives you the silent treatment, I'd say it's time to move on. You're very unlikely to change him and it's just going to lead to heartbreak for you. I was in a similar relationship (same age and everything, this was about a year and a half ago) and I gave him numerous chances to repair it. I straight up asked him to talk to me and he refused, I left for a weekend to stay with family and left him a note to call or email me if he changed his mind about talking, finally I moved out and a month afterwards emailed him telling him that we were friends long before our relationship and I'd like to at least keep that and received nothing in return. Those who can't express their true feelings are the worst people you can get involved with, they'll drain you emotionally and physically and toss you aside once their done. Cut your losses and run, there's plenty of other fish in the sea.
I agree that he might have some problems opening up to TKid. Or socializing in general. We've all tried to be nice to him since he's been here and he just doesn't seem to want to be friends with any of us. If TKid is able to drag him out he just sits in the floor looking depressed or goes in the other room to play the PS2. We did manage to get him to play DDR and SCIII with us on a few occasions but then he started bogarting the damned game. It's a pain to take him out to eat, too. We went to TGIF and got steaks all around, except for him. Suddenly, he doesn't eat meat. He didn't even look at the menu! Another time, Tkid wanted to stop at a Braum's for a shake and the guy ordered a 2/3 lb burger and fries when we were on our way to my cousin's house to grill some burgers!
After seeing this thread I felt like I had to jump in. Unless this guy's really something special that the rest of us just can't see, get rid of the fucker.
BFF
Good friends are there to help you along your life choices and often know what's best for you even though you often can't see it yourself. I suggest you listen to your friend here and just get rid of this guy.
Steam | Live
Seriously, she's horribly anti-social, a bitch, and hides it under being "shy." He's totally head-over-heels for her, and doesn't see it. TK, your friends are right. Listen to them.
:^: Listen to Tube. This guy clearly has no respect for you, and doesn't value your relationship if he's going on behind your back.
PLUS you can't be entirely sure that his wayward sexual stuff is ONLY happening online. Infedelity is not only hurtful, but it can be unsafe, putting you at higher risk for STDs and heartbreak. cut him loose. you deserve better. It's easier said than done, I know, but just come back here and make another thread asking for help on getting over your ex. we'll help ya out.