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Other side of Depression.
Neyla
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Not sure if this should be an advice column or a debate, but I think it is abit of both.
I have read a lot over the past few months about Depression and the effects on people who suffer from it. I also read a lot of personal advice for those suffering from Depression. What I was wondering is how do people who know/love/live coupe with those suffering from depression with falling into that downward spiral as well?
I am currently with someone who is suffering from Depression, I love them to pieces and always try to be supportive and positive, but it does slowly wears you down. What I was wondering if anyone else had to coupe with this? And how? And there is there any more information somewhere where I can look for support in this type of situation? I found that is there a bountiful amounts of support and information for those suffering from but not much else for those supporting someone with.
I have read a lot over the past few months about Depression and the effects on people who suffer from it. I also read a lot of personal advice for those suffering from Depression. What I was wondering is how do people who know/love/live coupe with those suffering from depression with falling into that downward spiral as well?
I am currently with someone who is suffering from Depression, I love them to pieces and always try to be supportive and positive, but it does slowly wears you down. What I was wondering if anyone else had to coupe with this? And how? And there is there any more information somewhere where I can look for support in this type of situation? I found that is there a bountiful amounts of support and information for those suffering from but not much else for those supporting someone with.
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You cannot be everything to one person. A friend, confidante and ever-ready shoulder to cry on? Sure. Sole support? Not so much. Other friends, parents, counselors, etc. need to help make sure you're not a loadbearing support, so to speak. A depressed person tends to run low on people to hang out with and talk to because, let's face it, depression is no goddamn fun. Try your best not to be that remaining person.
Is s/he diagnosed/in therapy/on meds? If you simply suspect it, that's the first step toward keeping you both sane. If they are, avail hir of the resources you've already mentioned; if need be, find the courage to say, "I love you, but I cannot help you with this. Please go see Cpt. Counselor" or whoever.
Mind you this isn't the first time we gone through this process. Many moons ago we went through the same thing and he sought out "public treatment" that seemed to have been an epic fail. This time around is more a professional one, specialized and not a gorvernment one. It had taken him a long time to finally seek out help. For the most part this depression is kept low key, it is not something he feels comfortable with discussing with family so only a few know what is going on currently but more so then before. And those that do know don't live anywhere near us (we had recently moved a few hours away).
Perhaps I may have to find something local, a support group of sorts for those times I can't find someone to consul in (that knows of the situation). I respect his wishes not to tell my/our friends of his depression, but somedays I find it hard to try to make him smile when I can't. Your right, I can't be the only pillar of support, but it is not easy for him to open up and find more of it besides me.
You don't even need to sit him down for a Talk About Me, Too so much as introduce the idea that you want to be able to help him, and that means spreading his emotional burdens elsewhere a little at a time.
And in the end you may indeed have to get out of the relationship to save yourself. Perversely, this can be enough to get some people seek the help they need.
Just don't wait to leave until you start hoping they finally go through with the suicide threats.
If at all possible, try to get him to open up to his/your friends and family. If he doesn't want to discuss it with them himself, offer to be the "messenger". He needs a bigger support network than just you, and you need him to have that network too. If you try to shoulder his burdens alone, I'd wager you'll eventually get sick too.
Is he taking any meds? (Psychiatrist or psychologist?)
OP - Understanding that you cannot be responsible for another's happiness, but you are responsible for your own was the hardest lesson I had to learn and the first thing I thought of.
If you aren't already, you need to be seeing a separate therapist of your own. Depression is highly contagious. You shouldn't be your SO's only human interaction - have their friends and family come over. You should make sure to visit your friends and family, keep your relationships up and still be active. It's very easy to avoid extra drama by staying in but that's bad for you. In most areas there are support groups for family with depression your doc can point you to. If you want more reading, you can go to caregiver.org. I'd start here.
http://www.caregiver.org/caregiver/jsp/content_node.jsp?nodeid=393
Good luck.
Actually some of us have, both as sufferers of depression and supporting those who suffer from mental illness. One of the toughest issues facing those suffering from mental illness is being open about their problem considering how many people would rather cut and run rather than be supportive. We get it, you're bitter about what happened to you, but that's not reason enough for her to cut someone she cares about out of her life.
OP: Understanding that you're not always going to be able to perk him up is so important. I second the voice of those encouraging you to encourage him to open up to more friends and family he is close to. Even though the family who do know live a few hours away you can still call or email with them.
And you have no fucking idea if it's anywhere near that depth of severity yet. We don't even know if the depressed person in question is on or ever has been on meds, much less shows any suicidal tendencies. Caution, empathy and a lot of sense are necessary here, not haranguing me for not having had such a terrible experience and thus being unqualified to say the situation is not at crisis level. Shit.
The OP's the one who'd be able to make that call, and unless she's vastly understated the case, it's not "GET OUT NOW" time, if it ever needs to be.
Anyway, OP, be there for your friend, but do bear in mind you are only a friend. Make sure they get whatever professional help is needed. Various things can and do help.
I suffer from depression from time to time. I try not to blow my issue out of proportion, but depending on my state of mind (which is currently lucid, elated and anything but depressed), depression can be a real torment.
If you don't suffer from chronic depression, then it may be difficult for you to relate to how your friend is feeling because the problem with chronic depression is that the person suffering from it has no real reason (other than neurological) to actually 'feel depressed'. It's a major bummer, but that's just how things are with depression. Not being able to relate to how your friend feels, especially when you see no real reason for them to feel that way can be both tiring and frustrating to you. It is also frustrating for your friend because he can't convey how he feels to you, knowing you aren't able to fully relate.
I would ask for you to not be judgmental.
If you care for your friend, then it is okay to show them how much you care by making them feel special every now and then, uplifting their spirits with little acts of kindness. Telling them that you care may reassure them, should they ever feel insecure, so don't be afraid to do so. Be kind. Don't simply do it because you feel you need to.
Your friend may not wish to seek professional help, so don't force it on him. The last thing he needs to hear is for someone to push his problems aside by telling him to seek someone else. You may suggest it, if he's open to the possibility, but personally speaking, I prefer to deal with these problems on my own than to use medication to 'numb' the feeling. I prefer being able to laugh, to cry and to experience the full spectrum of emotion that life has to offer without regard to how I feel sometimes. It's just a price I have to pay and it's one I'm willing to pay to be passionate about life.
To anyone who's telling her to dump her friend and save herself from the suffering, just go away. Such advice is unhelpful and unarguably selfish. While she deserves happiness, there's nothing to suggest that her significant other or her friend does not deserve the same happiness. We all deserve happiness. Cutting yourself off from him could be the worst thing you could ever do to him, and he may very well be traumatized by it. I say this from personal experience, and these little events in my life's history are still hang-ups that I'm trying to overcome. I'm mostly succeeding, but the fact that they exist as hurdles to begin with isn't a pleasant fact.
Now, you shouldn't act solely as an emotional crutch to your friend.
It's good to be supportive, but ensure that your support has a purpose. He ought to be able to eventually support himself, so help him to get there. It's just like car crash victims who've lost their ability to walk: they may need a crutch in the beginning, but it's only until they can learn to redevelop their ability to walk. If you care about him, help him to walk for himself. Be his inspiration and empower him to live and be passionate about something. This will most assuredly make him feel better about himself and allow him to dedicate the attention he spends on being depressed to pursuing a passion that's both self-empowering and productive.
Edit: By the way, I really take offense to what PirateJon is writing. Yes, it sounds like he went through a really shitty experience with the doctors, and it's not something I'd like to go through (hence the reason why I've never sought out 'professional support') but his advice to her is tantamount to saying that men and women like us who suffer from depression are completely damaged and unable to (or don't deserve) love. That's just bitter. We're just as capable of giving our love to anyone else, despite the depression we suffer, and I believe that like everyone else, we too deserve happiness.
I wanted to thank everyone for their advice and consideration on the subject. I honestly didn't expect to get much feed back so this is great.
He has had his "session" and is due back for another soon. No he is not on medication. His own personal choice which i agree with 100%. After reading some of the side effects it would make things worst rather then better (how can something suppose to help with depression have a "thoughts of suicide" as a side effect?). And no he is not sucidle. Atleast he hasn't shown signs of it, nor has he given me any reason to be concerned about that.
After reading through the responses I have noticed that yes we both have alienated alot of our friends and family. I have helped him along to be passive, not intentionally but I think I helped enable him one way or another. We have decided to try and get out more, signing up for Yoga lessons or some sort of martial art. Something we both be interested in as a start. Been slowly trying to motivate him to go for walks (weather permitting, this is the north after all) and such, pretty much anything that doesn't invovle the PC at home.
As for me, I am opening up my phonebook and calling old friends. You never noticed how much time you lose till you stop and take a look back.
And for record, no i won't leave him. Even though this is a tough time we are going through and sure can be challenging, there is alot more that is positive.
Again I want to thank you all for your advice, and sharing your difficult times to help relate.
Thats really noble of you to help see him through this.
Most people in the world today would just jump ship and find someone else in a situation like this.
You deserve a medal.
Best wishes to both of you.
Medication isn't for everybody, and yes sometimes it can have pretty adverse side-effects. You obviously don't understand it very well. The various medications change what is going on with the brain chemistry. It can take a while to find the right one and it can be a bumpy road getting there. If you use the medication improperly (I did this once, very, very bad idea) then the thoughts of suicide thing would be a big issue because of how fucked up the chemicals in your brain get..
okay I am rambling and being incoherent here. But you shouldn't dismiss medication as an option altogether just because of some of the side effects.
Happy pills would be a better alternative. And basically, that's what mine do to me. It's absolutely stellar.
Antidepressants don't really make you suicidal anyway. It's the depression that makes you suicidal. It's the antidepressants that give you the motivation to get up and kill yourself whereas before you couldn't be bothered.
Speaking from experience, St Johns Wort, Ginko Biloba and Vitamin B > Antidepressants
Speaking from training, education and experience. You've got the less than sign the wrong way.
Also, the ultimate sign of depression, ironically, is refusal to take meds. The depressed mind shows little initiative and a strong tendency against change. Not to mention to many depressed people, taking meds represents a loss of control and an admission of defeat. By far my favorite argument is that they "don't want to mess with their brain chemistries." Almost no one is depressed without one's brain chemistry being faulty to begin with. Many people turn depression into a battle of willpower when it really isn't, it's a sysiphean struggle. You don't break your leg and will your tibia to set properly. They aren't the answer to everyone's problems, not by a long shot, but often the people who need them most aren't on them.
Yeah, I'm definitely not saying he has to and you need to force him. I am just saying that he shouldn't ignore that option altogether.
I'm an introvert by nature... I don't seek other people out. I'm socially ackward and inept, aside from a few friends I have (had?) I don't like to get out in public settings.
I thank you all for tossing Neyla some good advice, but she's making mountains of mole hills. I'm not reclusive, I'm not contemplating suicide... I just hit ruts every now and again.
Speaking as someone who manages a behavioral health practice and has a lot of exposure to patients who are concerned about medications, and has had problems with depression for over 13 years and had to make my own difficult decisions, do not dwell on some of the potential side effects too much when making a decision regarding medication. Keep them in mind, and the person who would be taking said meds should be watchful for changes in their thinking, but the potential for most anti-depressants to increase thoughts of suicide is somewhat overblown. And people tend to get stuck on that warning because it is so dire sounding. Doing so at the expense of not realizing the benefits of a medication that works is often (but not always, granted) a mistake.
Truth be told, I've even had a personal experience with a drug that did provoke such a reaction in me. I had been having some passive suicidal thoughts prior to the new medication, and noticed a definite increase in the frequency of such thoughts after starting that med, and again after increasing the dose after 1 week. While the previously present thoughts were occurring more frequently, they were in no way more forceful, or more likely for me to now follow through on. It was just a disturbing realization that was immediately reported to my psychiatrist. We stopped that medication right away, and started another that has helped quite a bit. And has helped much, much more than the years and years of taking no medication whatsoever and trying to get through things more independently.
Now, as far as effects on the partner/spouse/loved one of someone who suffers from depression, there was a study published recently that found the life expectancy of people in that role to be reduced. I haven't been able to track it down again myself through some quick googling, but I recall all to well hearing about it from my wife, who is a doctor. I'll ask her if she can recall the source when she's home later. Living with someone who is depressed does take a measurable toll on people. If I hadn't seen the results of said study I would still be confident in saying so based on my experiences with my wife, and my observations of the families that come to the practice I manage (oh, yeah, it's about 50% pediatric behavioral health, so I spend a lot of time talking with concerned parents and siblings, in addition to spouses/bfs/gfs...).
My wife has seriously considered seeing a therapist of her own at times to discuss her concerns and frustrations that our/my situation brings about. Many of the family members of the patients treated at my practice do come in independently for sessions of their own for help in dealing with things. If you can afford to do something like that, I would highly recommend it. If not, their are support groups out there. I've seen advertisements posted around the campus of the hospital my wife works for telling people about the availability of such groups there, and it's not uncommon to find similar groups associated with churches.
Antidepressants that can possibly INCREASE the risk of suicide should be a last resort taken after therapy, excercise, vitamins, herbs and lifestyle changes. Med pushers act like they need to be your first option.
What about Chakra, Feng Shui and Good Vibrations? Should those take place before actual medical help is requested?
How exactly is altering your brain chemistry via herbs that aren't regulated more sound than taking drugs while being monitored by a medical doctor.
While you cannot force him to take medicine, the benefits of anti-depressants on a person who is clinically depressed are far greater than any potential side effects. I mean, if behavorial therapy alone is helping enough, fine, but taking drugs off the table is a poor choice in my opinion.
In many situations, they shouldn't be the first option. There are situations though, where medications should be taken as soon as possible. Each individual situation is different, and a blanket statement like yours is about as useful as the Chakra, Feng Shui, and Good Vibrations.
I gave serious consideration to the medicine aspect of healing, which I have decided I am going to partake in.
I've tried some CBT, but I have to much self negativity to make it work. Something needs to happen for me to be more focused and better disciplined.
How could you actually determine if a person is in that situation, without using "trial and error" drug switching?
Indeed. Sticking more to the original topic here - have you tried any alternatives to CBT? I know that CBT is very popular these days, and has been shown to produce results in any number of studies, but it was pretty lousy for me for various reasons. Seeking out a different therapist who was open to other approaches did wonders over time.
Good luck. I hope it works out well.