The new forums will be named Coin Return (based on the most recent vote)! You can check on the status and timeline of the transition to the new forums here.
The Guiding Principles and New Rules document is now in effect.
My awkward social behavior
Xobni
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Hi,
So I was hoping you fine people would be able to help me out and offer me some suggestions. Here's my problem, whenever talking to people I don't know or only sort of know I'm ridiculously awkward. I don't know what to say, and when I am talking I'll suddenly get very, very nervous. One of my good friend's recently told me that when we met I just seemed like I was getting very scared of her when we talked. Now I don't actually feel afraid of people, it's just like if I'm not incredibly comfortable with someone my brain doesn't work when I talk to them.
For awhile this problem didn't really bother me because I had a nice group of friends and am pretty happy keeping to myself. However, about a year a go, on my 6 month review at work my boss said one of the things I needed to work on was communicating verbal with co-workers. She said I do great through e-mail and over the phone, but when I'm face to face with someone I have trouble. This wasn't like a "hey smarten up or you'll be fired thing," but it was an issue. So I thought, well, the best way to do this is meet new people and talk to them. I told my problem to some of my friends and had them introduce me, casually, to some of their friends/family I hadn't met - just to get in the practice of meeting new people and talking to them. After a year or so I still have the same problem and I don't feel I'm getting any better with it. In addition to this, since I've graduated college many of my friend's are moving or have already moved away and I'm finding it harder and harder to meet people (and my apparent social interaction problem doesn't help.)
So, do any of you have any suggestions for how to deal with this? Are there any recommended books or activities that might be a good idea do look into? I know this isn't something that I can fix in a day or a week, but I after my attempt at just talking to more people I'm not confortable with didn't seem to work, I'm not sure where to go from here.
So I was hoping you fine people would be able to help me out and offer me some suggestions. Here's my problem, whenever talking to people I don't know or only sort of know I'm ridiculously awkward. I don't know what to say, and when I am talking I'll suddenly get very, very nervous. One of my good friend's recently told me that when we met I just seemed like I was getting very scared of her when we talked. Now I don't actually feel afraid of people, it's just like if I'm not incredibly comfortable with someone my brain doesn't work when I talk to them.
For awhile this problem didn't really bother me because I had a nice group of friends and am pretty happy keeping to myself. However, about a year a go, on my 6 month review at work my boss said one of the things I needed to work on was communicating verbal with co-workers. She said I do great through e-mail and over the phone, but when I'm face to face with someone I have trouble. This wasn't like a "hey smarten up or you'll be fired thing," but it was an issue. So I thought, well, the best way to do this is meet new people and talk to them. I told my problem to some of my friends and had them introduce me, casually, to some of their friends/family I hadn't met - just to get in the practice of meeting new people and talking to them. After a year or so I still have the same problem and I don't feel I'm getting any better with it. In addition to this, since I've graduated college many of my friend's are moving or have already moved away and I'm finding it harder and harder to meet people (and my apparent social interaction problem doesn't help.)
So, do any of you have any suggestions for how to deal with this? Are there any recommended books or activities that might be a good idea do look into? I know this isn't something that I can fix in a day or a week, but I after my attempt at just talking to more people I'm not confortable with didn't seem to work, I'm not sure where to go from here.
Xobni on
0
Posts
I have a friend who's hands shake when he is around new people, his not scared either, just meeting new people and new environments make him feel uncomfortable. He is a nice person and very smart, he just looks anxious all the time, but the more he is around people the more it goes away.
Lots of people are like that, be happy with yourself, have a little faith that others will feel the same way. Don't worry about it. And explain that to your friend, she may have felt that way at one time or another.
Edit: you could even volunteer to build on your communications skills. Seeing a doctor can hurt either.
"So alternate, against the grain, anti establishment - so you're just a regular joe again, right?"
RallyGirl,
Thanks for the advice. I'm currently volunteering at an animal shelter and with a park cleanup club, whether or not it's helped I've been enjoying both! The main thing that has been concerning me is that I have been meeting a fair number of new people over the last year (I even met two people from the Internet - neither encounter went very well) and I don't feel like I'm even a tiny bit less awkward. Could it be one of those things that if I do it enough it will be like stepping over a line and one day I won't act like this with new people?
Oh, and my friend told me that just because I was asking her about my awkwardness and how it appeared to her when we met.
1. Every new person I will meet will hate me. No mater what I said or did, they wouldn't like me. I never took it personal. That is key.
2. Knowing that, I was free to say what ever I wanted. The worse thing that could happen is that I would be asked to leave a room full of people who didn't like me. So I didn't feel the need to hold back.
With that mind set, I became more sociable. I will say that I have had people in mid-conversation tell me I'm fucked up and leave. It never bothered me. So it may not work for you if you care what people think of you. It will not work in a work situation, I still kinda of clam up there.
It really comes down to confidence. I found it by not caring what people though about me. You need to find out makes you strong and every thing else is just noise.
It's my advice.
I'm dead serious.
your lack of confidence when talking to people probably comes from either a fear of being wrong and "looking stupid" or a fear of being ridiculed by people you don't know.
you can train yourself to get around it or over it, heres some things that may help.
1: when meeting new people with someone else you know, talk to the person you know. almost act like the new person isn't there. then you just add them into the conversation slowly.
2: make up fictional backgrounds about new people. just make it up. you meet a new guy with red hair and a beard? tell yourself that hes the son of an irish sailor who grew up traveling alot. anything to make the 'new person' more familiar
3: assume a different persona. this one is kinda tricky because you have to step outside yourself and adjust who you are and it helps if you can act. be the brash guy that says stupid things and gets a laugh or be the always laughing friend who plays practical jokes or the sports fan who only talks about sports. just pick a different you and act like him.
you will have to practice for any of these to work of course. and you may find that while practicing you find your own solution but at least this is something to try.
Basically you train yourself to automatically assume logical rather than emotional - negative - attitudes.
It's a bit more complicated than that, but it's the opposite of what Toxic Toys said.
You replace negative ungrounded assumptions like 'no-one will like me' with positive though through assumptions like 'there will at least be something we have in common'.
There's quite a few books that give you exercises you can do, but a visit to a therapist might do wonders.
I had the same problem until I started doing sales and it became a matter of sink or swim.
I'd suggest maybe getting some therapy and see what your therapist has to say.
As for a therapist, I'll see if my doctor will give me a referral. I'm a little reluctant to take any meds - I'm not completely opposed to them but if this is something I can solve without them I'd rather do it that way (which is what my doctor sort of was getting it, I think. BTW, she is just a general practice doc).
Again, thanks everyone! I knew you'd at the least, make me feel a bit better about the situation.
Now I'm no psychiatrist or anything, but I do wonder why you come off as perfectly okay over the internet while you're very uncomfortable when doing exactly the same in real life? Did you ever thought about that? What - to you - makes people in real life different from us? Maybe there's some sort of hint there of what makes you nervous and you can work on that.
The other suggestions in this thread are useful and I urge you to take their advice to heart or at least seriously consider them, but it might be worth thinking about my question too.
Please listen to this. It can be debated about how normal your situation may be, but the level of anxiety you experience is not healthy either way.
-See your doctor again.
-Seek council with a mental health professional (not because you're crazy, but just to make sure that you have a balanced self perception. I see a councilor, I had some reservations at first, but it was the best thing I have done for myself in ages.) They will be able to at the very least help you feel more relaxed about this situation.
-Get some more close, supportive people and tell them how you feel. If family are good, use them for support and advice as well.
-Importantly Relax (ask yourself how often you think about this and then do a relaxing task for yourself, a time out if you will), this may just be how you are in the long run and if it is that is really okay, true friends and loved ones, love us regardless (to look anxious to others, but be calm within yourself that is.)
-Fear less - some people in your lifetime will hate you, they will think you stupid, they will bare some malice towards you, they will take joy from your failings (it will usually be because of their own issues, or because they can't accept you have a different view to them or are a different person to them and will most likely have very little to do with you.) so there is no point in fearing. You can't live happily like that, its really not worth it...
-Eat, sleep and exercise well.
-If you have a chance sit with your boss again, explain that you may look anxious, but you're confident you can do your job well.
Also some people have suggested med's, I'm not anti medication at all (some people really need it to help them) but try to get to the root of your issue (weather it is an anxiety disorder or simply poor self perception), before you try and cover it up with drugs. Plus med's are only half a solution, if you do need drugs do therapy as well.
You acknowledge you feel unhappy about this, hard part over...now you just have to find a solution that is suitable for you.
"So alternate, against the grain, anti establishment - so you're just a regular joe again, right?"
I'm not sure what the difference is, self-confidence seems to be the popular answer. I used to reject this immediately and say, "but I think I'm smarter than most people." Now I think maybe that isn't really the same as being self-confident (I'm also starting to think that I'm not necessarily smarter than most people, I don't consider that a bad thing, though).
RallyGirl,
Thanks for the suggestions again, they make seem to make a lot of sense! I thought about asking my mom since she's got... some sort of disorder. I've forgotten what it is, but she takes some sort of anti-depressant for obsessive compulsive thoughts (not actual OCD). I don't believe I have the same thing. However, my dad is the kind of old fellow who thinks therapy does more harm than good and that pills are for nuts. I might bring it up to my mom and sister next time they call. The other suggestions sound great and I'll take them to heart.
Also, today I called my doctor and she suggested she could get me a referral to a mental health councilor. Is that the same as a therapist? If not, is that still fine? I probably should have asked my doctor but she was in a hurry to get off the phone.
Introverts can have issues with social situations because they internalize everything that goes on around them and then act. If you are uncomfortable with or dislike yourself, no matter what is going on around you you'll interpret what's happening negatively.
So, if you're talking to someone new and are uncomfortable, you will internalize anything they say or do and see it the way you see yourself. A person may smile at you and be friendly, but since you are uncomfortable, you'll think for them essentially and come away believing they didn't like you, or that the situation didn't go well.
All you can do is understand what's happening and take people's actions for what they are - not what you think they are.
Speaking as someone who's fallen into the same kind of thought process, it most definitely is not. I'm not even sure how I'd define self-confidence, but the closest thing that comes to mind is 'knowing you are awesome'. You can easily think you're very intelligent, but not be self-confident at all if you don't have that knowledge of your own awesomeness.
If you need further help they will refer you on. Good Luck.
"So alternate, against the grain, anti establishment - so you're just a regular joe again, right?"
listen, no matter how akward it is, look people in the eye, soon they will start to look away and you suddenly are on top.
I do try to look people in the eye, but sometimes when I'm really aware of the awkwardness (whether it's in my head or not, it does turn into real awkwardness) I do turn away. I don't understand what you mean, though, by if I continue to look the other person in the eye and they turn away then I'm on top. Like, I beat them because they looked away? Sorry if I'm being overly dense here.
You're not being dense. Good eye contact is a good thing, too much eye contact will make you seem like a crazy staring person. I can't really give you a magic number here but there is a balance and it shouldnt be something you should worry about yet. Too many things like that to fixate on and your problem will become worse.
I consider myself to be a self confident person, especially when it comes to work, but I am quite a socially anxious person and can sometimes struggle with new people. I find I am fine if I have an anchor such as a couple of close friends nearby to bounce off.
The exercise suggestions are great, I've recently started doing some weights and exercises at home and it's making me feel more outgoing as I am happier with my physique even though it's never been a major issue for me.
EDIT: Also I'd personally make every effort to improve my situation without resorting to medication. I'm not sure why it is such a go to solution for so many people but in the long run I'm sure you would be better off getting to a positive state of being without it.
I want to know more PA people on Twitter.
What would you suggest, though, if I'm not willing to increase the amount I exercise? It's not that I'm incredibly lazy, but I'm not in bad shape and I already usually notice that the day doesn't seem to have enough time in it (I like to spend a nice amount of time relaxing and after the evening walk/jog and socializing with friends the day seems to be gone!). As for weight lifting, I've done that a bit and while I sort of enjoyed it, I don't think I'm really *into* doing it. I mean, I think my body is pretty good and I'm not sure if making it better will really help me socially (like I said, I like the way my body looks).
Or am I'm missing the point of more exercise and how it relates to my issue?
Plus there's the whole body-image thing.
Drugs should only be used as a last resort. Honestly.
It's just a problem he has to work through himself. We can help him, but telling him to take a drug isn't going to help.
My mom takes some pills for a particular mental disorder and they do help her a whole lot, but I don't have her problem.
My issue seems to be a personality issue, maybe? I don't really know what I'm talking about.
I can't say I've ever heard or seen somebody getting scared of me as I talked to them, or introduced myself. It seems a little bizarre, in my opinion. You should see a therapist (which you are considering, just reinforcing what's being said here).
I think I have the same "problem" as you have, though probably not as bad. I get scared and nervous easily in social situations, I can't do small talk at all, and I generally try to avoid people.
But I think it's worth asking yourself whether or not this is actually that big of a problem for you in the first place. Because it almost sounds like you're basing this largely on your boss's evaluation of you.
I mean, I can understand how your social anxiety could be a problem because it interferes with your work. At the same time, though, work is not everything. The fact that corporate life, to some extent, values extrovert personalities over introvert personalities does not mean that being an introvert is intrinsically a problem at all. It's just who you are, and just because your personality doesn't mesh perfectly with your job isn't necessarily a big deal. It's easy to get a mind-job from boss evaluations (especially if you're the type to get really nervous about report cards and shit like that), but ultimately the dude is just your boss, not some wise, life-judging entity. Besides, you could always try to get a better job that's a better fit for your personality (well, once we get out of this here depression).
As for your social anxiety being a problem in terms of the rest of your life—again, I think you should ask yourself how much of a problem it really is. For a long time I felt like I was missing out on something by being shy and introverted and all that. But ultimately, I think I was just falling into the trap of judging my happiness and fulfillment in terms of some vague notion about what's "normal" in society, as opposed to what would actually make me happy, based on my own personality. I think it's entirely possible to be a happy, fulfilled introvert, and I imagine if you're happy about yourself it would also help with the social anxiety.
So: are you happy? It sounds like you're going out and meeting people and volunteering. And if you're not happy, then would being more extroverted really make you happier?
I hope I don't sound like I'm trying to trivialize your problem. I'm not, I recognize it may in fact be a big deal. But hopefully it isn't!
Thanks for the response. It doesn't sound like you're trying to trivialize it at all. I've known about this problem for a while, and when I was living on campus it wasn't really an issue. I've been out of college a few years now and it is starting to cause some problems. I mean, overall I think I'm pretty happy person. I like to spend a fair amount of time by myself. However, when I was at college I could go hang out with people whenever I wanted to socialize. Now I'm finding it a lot harder - like a whole lot harder. I'm having major trouble making friends and while I'm not depressed about it, it is something I want to change. I may have put too much emphasis on my boss
Overall I am a happy person and while I am going out and meeting people I'm not at all happy with the results. The fact that I've been meeting people for awhile now and having the same results is what's really getting to me.
I guess that it isn't really all that big of a deal or I'd be a less happy person, right? I mean, I don't stay up at night thinking about it but every so often I do get down about it and I simply don't like feeling like I'm so awkward all the time. I know I've met cool people with similar interests to me and I don't believe I'm being paranoid when I say we didn't become friends or even acquaintances because of my awkwardness.
I wonder if you're being too hard on yourself when you blame your own awkwardness for botched potential relationships. First of all, there's any number of reasons such relationships didn't pan out which would have nothing to do with you. Secondly, even if it was because of your personality, that doesn't mean you're "awkward" in some intrinsic, pejorative sense. It just means that your personality didn't match up with theirs, and the awkwardness came from the mutual lack of chemistry.
My advice for meeting people is to put yourself in social situations that you know will work to your benefit. The trick is finding cool social situations (i.e. not bars!). I don't know if you like writing, but if you do you should really do National Novel Writing Month. I met a bunch of friends and my current girlfriend through Nanowrimo. And I'm sure there's all kinds of other communal activities coalesced over the internet nowadays. Just find something you're interested in so you can meet other like-minded people, which will make it way easier to bond (and relax). You can be adventurous without having to pretend to be extroverted.
And also, be patient. I really feel like finding good relationships with friends and SO's is basically a crapshoot. Like billiard balls bouncing off each other and every now and then something cool happens. Introverts have it tougher because their billard balls move slower (to extend the analogy), so statistically it takes more time to for us to clump together into meaningful relationships.