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Situation nobody wants to be in
KeyScourge
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I'll keep this as short as possible. I'm in love. Now that in itself isn't a bad thing, but I happen to be in love with another guy. I've known him for years, and he is also dating my best girl-mate. I've gotten to the point when I feel the need to sink to the lowest of the low and ask random strangers over an internet forum for advice on how to get out of this situation
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There's other guys out there, you don't have to go after the one guy who your best friend fell in love with.
If anyone ever tells you it'll be easy, kick them in the teeth.
In the meantime, consciously do and think of non-him things for as long as it takes.
But I really can't stop thinking about this guy. I am completely and utterly hopeless when it comes to this sort of stuff. I feel like just slamming my head in a door until the brain cells responsible for emotions are dead
whatever you do, don't confess, it'll make things really messy
lol
Do you have any hobbies? They can pre-occupy you and help get you over stuff? That's what I usually do? Sit down with the guitar and just get into it. Learn an instrument perhaps.
Or start photography? Get outside.
Woo...mooshoepork rocks, yeaaah...
Honestly though. Hobbies. Best way to stop thinking about something. If you enjoy something enough you eventually just lose yourself in it.
I don't think there's a cure; you'll just forget about him in time. Some people try to get preoccupied with hobbies etc., while others spend their evenings writing bad poetry about unrequited love until they're too sick of it to think about the person in question anymore. Meeting other guys would probably be the best medicine.
Oh and don't get too drunk while this guy is present, or chances are you'll be making another H/A thread.
Have you tried OkCupid? I recommend giving it a shot. Just meet people in a central location where neither of you know where the other lives (just in case they're wierdos or you just plain don't like them), and you may end up finding a very compatible person... and then, a few months from now, you'll be very thankful that you didn't go down this route... a route that sounds like it's only going to lead to drama, hostility, bitterness, and heartbreak.
Time and will power. That's it, I've been in a similar situation of love that cant happen and if you really drill home into your head that there are many many good reasons why it cant and wont happen and give your self one hell of a mental slap whenever your head goes that way it diminishes over time. A LOT of time. This is not going away overnight.
Besides it sounds like your biggest problem is that this guy is straight so if you hit on him he'd probably just freak out and not want to be around you again. People don't just change their sexuality randomly unless they were repressing it in the first place.
So in other words the advice "get over it simple as that" holds a lot more truth to it than you're aware of.
I understand why "get over it" is a good thing to say, because that's exactly what I have to do. But it's the "simple as" bit that really cheese me off. Makes it seem like completely abandoning all romantic feelings towards someone I've been pining after for near-as-makes-no-difference 3 years is an easy thing to do
They don't have to be "hookups". What ever happened to "dates?"
And your assertion that they're only for the lonely and desperate is out of date. It's the way of the future.
I'm kidding. It's not pathetic at all. It's completely normal. It's called infatuation. Take the advice! Find a hobby, take your mind OFF him. The quicker you do that the easier it will be.
You're gay, he's more than likely not.
You tell him you love him. What's going to happen?
If he's oblivious, he'll probably think you are joking around. If he knows, it's just going to get awkard. "And my being the sappy idiot that's obssessed with him, if he comes onto me when he's drunk then odds are I'll say yes (yes, I am just that stupid)." Now you're just fantasizing.
Choose a hobby. Go to the park, do some birdspotting, go for a walk, read a book. Stop acting like love is this magical thing from books and movies that has you completely under it's grip.
Well, there's the answer. If you're that self-loathing, there's no way this guy or any other would want to be with you. Find a way to fix the problems you have with yourself, and other things will fall into place.
Feeling sorry for yourself is, in my opinion, the most worthless thing you could possibly do. If you say sorry to someone else and mean it, you try and make it up to them. Everyone who feels sorry for themselves admits defeat almost right away and then doesn't make any attempts to right what's wrong.
Find a new way to see yourself, and others will see you differently too. You're not going to pull any straight guys over to the other team, but eventually you'll be happier with yourself which will lead to you being happier with someone else.
And although I have an inkling you may have been a tad sarcastic in that first quote, doing something will help, as a lot of other people have mentioned. And if you're looking for things to do... well, think of things you like that you don't normally do and go do them. Think of things you've wanted to learn more about and figure out where you can learn about them. Go join a club. Volunteer somewhere. Take a class on something. Teach yourself to cook things. Explore the area where you live. Take a list of the top whatever books/movies/etc and read or watch them. Even if you live in Hickville, there is always something you can do.
To what degree do you think you're hung up on an unreachable ideal? Pining away for this straight boy, it's not an excuse to avoid going out into the world and being with someone attainable is it?
I host a podcast about movies.
Uh, if you want, the Artist's Corner can help you get better at drawing. It takes a lot of time and effort to do so, so you could be pretty occupied. Also, learning to express yourself through a new medium can be very cathartic.
Going through a similar thing myself. I'm writing songs!
Stay away from him. If you can't, make a conscious effort to find his flaws, because no doubt right now he's a glowing white figure of perfection in your eyes. He isn't. Meet new people. Go see movies. And, yes, maybe search the internet for some quick flings. They helped me to get the penis off the pedestal.
If it is indeed infatuation, then I've found that separation does wonders. Typically, being with them just enhances the feelings of 'lurve' and it gets really hard to stick to the plan of not thinking about them. I'd forgo seeing him for a while. Even a week or two of complete separation can really help your brain calm down and allow you to be a bit more resolute as you try to reason with your emotions. You'll still like him when you start seeing him again but I've found that ample time to come to grips with the impossibility of the situation can do a lot to tone down the feelings.
The solution IS simple though. That doesn't mean it's not super difficult to do. I mean, chin ups are simple but no one would say that doing 1000 of them would be easy.
I wish you luck! I've gone through a lot of infatuation in my life too. It's often my initial reaction to anyone who I can stand for more than 5 minutes and just happens to be female.
12 Step Program style, the first step towards recovery is recognizing you have a problem.
As the others have said, find things to keep yourself occupied and try to enjoy yourself for who you are. Find others to court, date, have crushes on, etc.