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Situation nobody wants to be in

KeyScourgeKeyScourge __BANNED USERS regular
edited January 2009 in Help / Advice Forum
I'll keep this as short as possible. I'm in love. Now that in itself isn't a bad thing, but I happen to be in love with another guy. I've known him for years, and he is also dating my best girl-mate. I've gotten to the point when I feel the need to sink to the lowest of the low and ask random strangers over an internet forum for advice on how to get out of this situation

KeyScourge on
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    Bendery It Like BeckhamBendery It Like Beckham Hopeless Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    find a different guy to crush on.

    Bendery It Like Beckham on
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    FyreWulffFyreWulff YouRegistered User, ClubPA regular
    edited January 2009
    He's off limits. Go find other people instead of waiting for them to break up.

    FyreWulff on
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    Aoi TsukiAoi Tsuki Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    Get a hobby that keeps you occupied and away from him. Depending on your area, this might also put you in the way of much more eligible guys.

    Aoi Tsuki on
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    KeyScourgeKeyScourge __BANNED USERS regular
    edited January 2009
    Easier said than done to put him out of my mind. It sounds gay (even more so than me loving another man) but I can't stop myself from thinking about him

    KeyScourge on
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    AldoAldo Hippo Hooray Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    KeyScourge wrote: »
    Easier said than done to put him out of my mind. It sounds gay (even more so than me loving another man) but I can't stop myself from thinking about him
    It is easier said than done, indeed. It's still the only proper option you have. Meet new people, burn any photos you have of him, delete him from your friendslist of whatever social networks you have him on, make an effort out of not meeting him.

    There's other guys out there, you don't have to go after the one guy who your best friend fell in love with.

    Aldo on
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    Aoi TsukiAoi Tsuki Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    KeyScourge wrote: »
    Easier said than done to put him out of my mind. It sounds gay (even more so than me loving another man) but I can't stop myself from thinking about him

    If anyone ever tells you it'll be easy, kick them in the teeth.

    In the meantime, consciously do and think of non-him things for as long as it takes.

    Aoi Tsuki on
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    KeyScourgeKeyScourge __BANNED USERS regular
    edited January 2009
    Aoi Tsuki wrote: »
    KeyScourge wrote: »
    Easier said than done to put him out of my mind. It sounds gay (even more so than me loving another man) but I can't stop myself from thinking about him

    If anyone ever tells you it'll be easy, kick them in the teeth.

    In the meantime, consciously do and think of non-him things for as long as it takes.
    God knows I was tempted to kick my mate Reggie in the teeth. He's the only one who knows I'm gay and he told me to, in his own words: "Just get over him. Simple as." I just wanted to slap him one more than I ever have ever before in my life, which is a lot of times.

    But I really can't stop thinking about this guy. I am completely and utterly hopeless when it comes to this sort of stuff. I feel like just slamming my head in a door until the brain cells responsible for emotions are dead

    KeyScourge on
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    BelruelBelruel NARUTO FUCKS Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    it'll be difficult, but it is necessary. good medicine is to meet other guys, be social, be active. be so busy talking to other people, that you do not have too much time to pine over this guy.

    whatever you do, don't confess, it'll make things really messy

    Belruel on
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    mooshoeporkmooshoepork Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    Aoi Tsuki wrote: »
    KeyScourge wrote: »
    Easier said than done to put him out of my mind. It sounds gay (even more so than me loving another man) but I can't stop myself from thinking about him

    I just wanted to slap him one more than I ever have ever before in my life, which is a lot of times.

    lol

    Do you have any hobbies? They can pre-occupy you and help get you over stuff? That's what I usually do? Sit down with the guitar and just get into it. Learn an instrument perhaps.

    Or start photography? Get outside.

    mooshoepork on
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    KeyScourgeKeyScourge __BANNED USERS regular
    edited January 2009
    Aoi Tsuki wrote: »
    KeyScourge wrote: »
    Easier said than done to put him out of my mind. It sounds gay (even more so than me loving another man) but I can't stop myself from thinking about him

    I just wanted to slap him one more than I ever have ever before in my life, which is a lot of times.

    lol

    Do you have any hobbies? They can pre-occupy you and help get you over stuff? That's what I usually do? Sit down with the guitar and just get into it. Learn an instrument perhaps.

    Or start photography? Get outside.
    Now that I think of it since this whole situation escalated (details later if i remember) my sketchbook that i keep lying around the place has like doubled in content. I didn't even think that i could have been distracting myself with that

    KeyScourge on
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    mooshoeporkmooshoepork Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    KeyScourge wrote: »
    Aoi Tsuki wrote: »
    KeyScourge wrote: »
    Easier said than done to put him out of my mind. It sounds gay (even more so than me loving another man) but I can't stop myself from thinking about him

    I just wanted to slap him one more than I ever have ever before in my life, which is a lot of times.

    lol

    Do you have any hobbies? They can pre-occupy you and help get you over stuff? That's what I usually do? Sit down with the guitar and just get into it. Learn an instrument perhaps.

    Or start photography? Get outside.
    Now that I think of it since this whole situation escalated (details later if i remember) my sketchbook that i keep lying around the place has like doubled in content. I didn't even think that i could have been distracting myself with that

    Woo...mooshoepork rocks, yeaaah...

    Honestly though. Hobbies. Best way to stop thinking about something. If you enjoy something enough you eventually just lose yourself in it.

    mooshoepork on
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    KeyScourgeKeyScourge __BANNED USERS regular
    edited January 2009
    Problem being I have, like, no hobbies. I'm so boring

    KeyScourge on
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    Bliss 101Bliss 101 Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    Oh boy, the straight-friend crush. I had a serious case of that in high school, when I thought I was totally in love with one of my best friends. It can get really painful, and for me it was embarrassing too because apparently everyone could tell how I felt even though I thought I was keeping it secret. Eventually the guy had to tell me himself "look, I know what you want and it's not going to happen, OK". Stayed friends with him though.

    I don't think there's a cure; you'll just forget about him in time. Some people try to get preoccupied with hobbies etc., while others spend their evenings writing bad poetry about unrequited love until they're too sick of it to think about the person in question anymore. Meeting other guys would probably be the best medicine.

    Oh and don't get too drunk while this guy is present, or chances are you'll be making another H/A thread.

    Bliss 101 on
    MSL59.jpg
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    KeyScourgeKeyScourge __BANNED USERS regular
    edited January 2009
    Bliss 101 wrote: »
    Oh boy, the straight-friend crush. I had a serious case of that in high school, when I thought I was totally in love with one of my best friends. It can get really painful, and for me it was embarrassing too because apparently everyone could tell how I felt even though I thought I was keeping it secret. Eventually the guy had to tell me himself "look, I know what you want and it's not going to happen, OK". Stayed friends with him though.

    I don't think there's a cure; you'll just forget about him in time. Some people try to get preoccupied with hobbies etc., while others spend their evenings writing bad poetry about unrequited love until they're too sick of it to think about the person in question anymore. Meeting other guys would probably be the best medicine.

    Oh and don't get too drunk while this guy is present, or chances are you'll be making another H/A thread.
    It's not me getting drunk that'd be the problem. The guy drinks like a fish. Lol. And my being the sappy idiot that's obssessed with him, if he comes onto me when he's drunk then odds are I'll say yes (yes, I am just that stupid). Then I'll have to explain to him why I let it happen. And saying I was drunk aint an excuse cause I never touch the stuff and he knows that

    KeyScourge on
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    VThornheartVThornheart Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    I know it's going to be hard for you, but try to stay strong through this. There's a lot of people in the world out there - gay and straight - and many of them will be compatible with you potentially. You just have to not give up. Don't turn your homelife upside-down to find a good guy, and thusly screw your friend over in the process if such a situation can at all be prevented (which it can, as hard as it will be).

    Have you tried OkCupid? I recommend giving it a shot. Just meet people in a central location where neither of you know where the other lives (just in case they're wierdos or you just plain don't like them), and you may end up finding a very compatible person... and then, a few months from now, you'll be very thankful that you didn't go down this route... a route that sounds like it's only going to lead to drama, hostility, bitterness, and heartbreak.

    VThornheart on
    3DS Friend Code: 1950-8938-9095
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    CasualCasual Wiggle Wiggle Wiggle Flap Flap Flap Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    I have the solution to your problem but you're not going to like it.




    Time and will power. That's it, I've been in a similar situation of love that cant happen and if you really drill home into your head that there are many many good reasons why it cant and wont happen and give your self one hell of a mental slap whenever your head goes that way it diminishes over time. A LOT of time. This is not going away overnight.

    Besides it sounds like your biggest problem is that this guy is straight so if you hit on him he'd probably just freak out and not want to be around you again. People don't just change their sexuality randomly unless they were repressing it in the first place.

    So in other words the advice "get over it simple as that" holds a lot more truth to it than you're aware of.

    Casual on
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    4U2NV4U2NV Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    I don't want to derail this thread, but from my experience it's almost impossible to maintain a friendship for someone you have feelings for who does not feel the same way. Your not going to get over this person if you constanty are hanging out with them, especially if it's one on one. On one hand, I can understand how important this friendhip is to you, but your only setting yourself up even more if you continue hanging out waiting for the other person to change their mind

    4U2NV on
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    KeyScourgeKeyScourge __BANNED USERS regular
    edited January 2009
    Casual wrote: »
    I have the solution to your problem but you're not going to like it.




    Time and will power. That's it, I've been in a similar situation of love that cant happen and if you really drill home into your head that there are many many good reasons why it cant and wont happen and give your self one hell of a mental slap whenever your head goes that way it diminishes over time. A LOT of time. This is not going away overnight.

    Besides it sounds like your biggest problem is that this guy is straight so if you hit on him he'd probably just freak out and not want to be around you again. People don't just change their sexuality randomly unless they were repressing it in the first place.

    So in other words the advice "get over it simple as that" holds a lot more truth to it than you're aware of.

    I understand why "get over it" is a good thing to say, because that's exactly what I have to do. But it's the "simple as" bit that really cheese me off. Makes it seem like completely abandoning all romantic feelings towards someone I've been pining after for near-as-makes-no-difference 3 years is an easy thing to do

    KeyScourge on
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    CelestialBadgerCelestialBadger Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    KeyScourge wrote: »
    God knows I was tempted to kick my mate Reggie in the teeth. He's the only one who knows I'm gay and he told me to, in his own words: "Just get over him. Simple as." I just wanted to slap him one more than I ever have ever before in my life, which is a lot of times.
    If only one person knows you are gay then maybe you need to go and meet other gay people, otherwise you'll keep crushing on people who are just not interested. The best way of curing unrequited love has got to be requited love!

    CelestialBadger on
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    KeyScourgeKeyScourge __BANNED USERS regular
    edited January 2009
    KeyScourge wrote: »
    God knows I was tempted to kick my mate Reggie in the teeth. He's the only one who knows I'm gay and he told me to, in his own words: "Just get over him. Simple as." I just wanted to slap him one more than I ever have ever before in my life, which is a lot of times.
    If only one person knows you are gay then maybe you need to go and meet other gay people, otherwise you'll keep crushing on people who are just not interested. The best way of curing unrequited love has got to be requited love!
    Good plan but in my area if anybody else actually is gay they hide it remarkably well. And the last guy that came out as gay ended up in hospital. And I've already been in there once in the past few weeks, i don't want to end up there again.

    KeyScourge on
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    CelestialBadgerCelestialBadger Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    KeyScourge wrote: »
    Good plan but in my area if anybody else actually is gay they hide it remarkably well. And the last guy that came out as gay ended up in hospital. And I've already been in there once in the past few weeks, i don't want to end up there again.
    Sounds like you need to make plans to move to a less homophobic area, whether sooner or later. However, if you look at the gay dating websites you might find more locals than you'd think.

    CelestialBadger on
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    KeyScourgeKeyScourge __BANNED USERS regular
    edited January 2009
    KeyScourge wrote: »
    Good plan but in my area if anybody else actually is gay they hide it remarkably well. And the last guy that came out as gay ended up in hospital. And I've already been in there once in the past few weeks, i don't want to end up there again.
    Sounds like you need to make plans to move to a less homophobic area, whether sooner or later. However, if you look at the gay dating websites you might find more locals than you'd think.
    I always think of internet hookups as a fairly dodgy idea only reserved for the lonely and desperate. Besides there are a few guys I know from around town or through a friend that I swear on my mother's eventual grave are gay or at least bi. Might try my chances cause one of them is, like, hot beyond belief

    KeyScourge on
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    VThornheartVThornheart Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    KeyScourge wrote: »
    KeyScourge wrote: »
    Good plan but in my area if anybody else actually is gay they hide it remarkably well. And the last guy that came out as gay ended up in hospital. And I've already been in there once in the past few weeks, i don't want to end up there again.
    Sounds like you need to make plans to move to a less homophobic area, whether sooner or later. However, if you look at the gay dating websites you might find more locals than you'd think.
    I always think of internet hookups as a fairly dodgy idea only reserved for the lonely and desperate. Besides there are a few guys I know from around town or through a friend that I swear on my mother's eventual grave are gay or at least bi. Might try my chances cause one of them is, like, hot beyond belief

    They don't have to be "hookups". What ever happened to "dates?"

    And your assertion that they're only for the lonely and desperate is out of date. It's the way of the future.

    VThornheart on
    3DS Friend Code: 1950-8938-9095
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    Hobbit0815Hobbit0815 Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    Um, this guy has a girlfriend.. it's your best option to put him completely in the 'unreachable' zone. Is he even bi, wtf? There are plenty of men out there and you need to stop hiding yourself so they can find you, instead of you wanting someone you can't have.

    Hobbit0815 on
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    The Black HunterThe Black Hunter The key is a minimum of compromise, and a simple, unimpeachable reason to existRegistered User regular
    edited January 2009
    The more you think about someone the more you care.

    The Black Hunter on
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    KeyScourgeKeyScourge __BANNED USERS regular
    edited January 2009
    Hobbit0815 wrote: »
    Um, this guy has a girlfriend.. it's your best option to put him completely in the 'unreachable' zone. Is he even bi, wtf? There are plenty of men out there and you need to stop hiding yourself so they can find you, instead of you wanting someone you can't have.
    He's straight. I'm fairly sure of it. I mean he can act a bit gay but that's not enough to hang all my hopes on just for the outside chance it turns out he's actually bi. It'll never happen, and the sad thing is that I know that but I can't stop myself thinking about him. How pathetic is that?

    KeyScourge on
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    mooshoeporkmooshoepork Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    Very pathetic.

    I'm kidding. It's not pathetic at all. It's completely normal. It's called infatuation. Take the advice! Find a hobby, take your mind OFF him. The quicker you do that the easier it will be.

    mooshoepork on
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    KeyScourgeKeyScourge __BANNED USERS regular
    edited January 2009
    But I don't have any hobbies. I'm just a sad and lonely person with nothing to fill my day besides feeling sorry for myself.

    KeyScourge on
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    FyreWulffFyreWulff YouRegistered User, ClubPA regular
    edited January 2009
    So let's see how this is going to play out:

    You're gay, he's more than likely not.

    You tell him you love him. What's going to happen?

    If he's oblivious, he'll probably think you are joking around. If he knows, it's just going to get awkard. "And my being the sappy idiot that's obssessed with him, if he comes onto me when he's drunk then odds are I'll say yes (yes, I am just that stupid)." Now you're just fantasizing.

    Choose a hobby. Go to the park, do some birdspotting, go for a walk, read a book. Stop acting like love is this magical thing from books and movies that has you completely under it's grip.

    FyreWulff on
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    AlpineAlpine Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    KeyScourge wrote: »
    But I don't have any hobbies. I'm just a sad and lonely person with nothing to fill my day besides feeling sorry for myself.

    Well, there's the answer. If you're that self-loathing, there's no way this guy or any other would want to be with you. Find a way to fix the problems you have with yourself, and other things will fall into place.

    Alpine on
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    KeyScourgeKeyScourge __BANNED USERS regular
    edited January 2009
    Alpine wrote: »
    KeyScourge wrote: »
    But I don't have any hobbies. I'm just a sad and lonely person with nothing to fill my day besides feeling sorry for myself.

    Well, there's the answer. If you're that self-loathing, there's no way this guy or any other would want to be with you. Find a way to fix the problems you have with yourself, and other things will fall into place.
    It's not that I'm self-loathing. I don't hate myself, I just think I'm an idiot for getting involved in this whole ridiculous situation

    KeyScourge on
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    AlpineAlpine Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    Look at the bigger picture. I'm going to take a wild guess and say that you're not very successful with other (available) guys, because you think of yourself as a sad and lonely person.

    Feeling sorry for yourself is, in my opinion, the most worthless thing you could possibly do. If you say sorry to someone else and mean it, you try and make it up to them. Everyone who feels sorry for themselves admits defeat almost right away and then doesn't make any attempts to right what's wrong.

    Find a new way to see yourself, and others will see you differently too. You're not going to pull any straight guys over to the other team, but eventually you'll be happier with yourself which will lead to you being happier with someone else.

    Alpine on
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    seasleepyseasleepy Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    KeyScourge wrote: »
    Alpine wrote: »
    KeyScourge wrote: »
    But I don't have any hobbies. I'm just a sad and lonely person with nothing to fill my day besides feeling sorry for myself.

    Well, there's the answer. If you're that self-loathing, there's no way this guy or any other would want to be with you. Find a way to fix the problems you have with yourself, and other things will fall into place.
    It's not that I'm self-loathing. I don't hate myself, I just think I'm an idiot for getting involved in this whole ridiculous situation
    Dude, it's not a ridiculous situation. Annoying, sure. Depressing, maybe. But the situation is that you've got a really bad unrequited crush. It's really not fundamentally different from any of the millions of other times that a guy has developed a crush on an unavailable/uninterested girl friend (switch genders around to fill all permutations). Just because you both happen to be guys doesn't make this the most strange/bizarre/unusual thing ever. And the other thing it should tell you is you're not faulty or something, because almost everyone has been in a similar situation at one point or another.

    And although I have an inkling you may have been a tad sarcastic in that first quote, doing something will help, as a lot of other people have mentioned. And if you're looking for things to do... well, think of things you like that you don't normally do and go do them. Think of things you've wanted to learn more about and figure out where you can learn about them. Go join a club. Volunteer somewhere. Take a class on something. Teach yourself to cook things. Explore the area where you live. Take a list of the top whatever books/movies/etc and read or watch them. Even if you live in Hickville, there is always something you can do.

    seasleepy on
    Steam | Nintendo: seasleepy | PSN: seasleepy1
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    JohnnyCacheJohnnyCache Starting Defense Place at the tableRegistered User regular
    edited January 2009
    KeyScourge wrote: »
    Hobbit0815 wrote: »
    Um, this guy has a girlfriend.. it's your best option to put him completely in the 'unreachable' zone. Is he even bi, wtf? There are plenty of men out there and you need to stop hiding yourself so they can find you, instead of you wanting someone you can't have.
    He's straight. I'm fairly sure of it. I mean he can act a bit gay but that's not enough to hang all my hopes on just for the outside chance it turns out he's actually bi. It'll never happen, and the sad thing is that I know that but I can't stop myself thinking about him. How pathetic is that?

    To what degree do you think you're hung up on an unreachable ideal? Pining away for this straight boy, it's not an excuse to avoid going out into the world and being with someone attainable is it?

    JohnnyCache on
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    TamTam Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    KeyScourge wrote: »
    Aoi Tsuki wrote: »
    KeyScourge wrote: »
    Easier said than done to put him out of my mind. It sounds gay (even more so than me loving another man) but I can't stop myself from thinking about him

    I just wanted to slap him one more than I ever have ever before in my life, which is a lot of times.

    lol

    Do you have any hobbies? They can pre-occupy you and help get you over stuff? That's what I usually do? Sit down with the guitar and just get into it. Learn an instrument perhaps.

    Or start photography? Get outside.
    Now that I think of it since this whole situation escalated (details later if i remember) my sketchbook that i keep lying around the place has like doubled in content. I didn't even think that i could have been distracting myself with that

    Uh, if you want, the Artist's Corner can help you get better at drawing. It takes a lot of time and effort to do so, so you could be pretty occupied. Also, learning to express yourself through a new medium can be very cathartic.

    Tam on
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    garroad_rangarroad_ran Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    Tam wrote: »
    KeyScourge wrote: »
    Aoi Tsuki wrote: »
    KeyScourge wrote: »
    Easier said than done to put him out of my mind. It sounds gay (even more so than me loving another man) but I can't stop myself from thinking about him

    I just wanted to slap him one more than I ever have ever before in my life, which is a lot of times.

    lol

    Do you have any hobbies? They can pre-occupy you and help get you over stuff? That's what I usually do? Sit down with the guitar and just get into it. Learn an instrument perhaps.

    Or start photography? Get outside.
    Now that I think of it since this whole situation escalated (details later if i remember) my sketchbook that i keep lying around the place has like doubled in content. I didn't even think that i could have been distracting myself with that

    Uh, if you want, the Artist's Corner can help you get better at drawing. It takes a lot of time and effort to do so, so you could be pretty occupied. Also, learning to express yourself through a new medium can be very cathartic.

    Going through a similar thing myself. I'm writing songs!

    garroad_ran on
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    desperaterobotsdesperaterobots perth, ausRegistered User regular
    edited January 2009
    I totally empathise with you OP. This has happened to me about.... 6 times. :| Nothing good ever comes of it. Getting over it will be hard. The thing is, you've recognised that it's happening, and now you can look out for this kind of thing again in the future. If I find myself feeling that way towards someone who I know nothing will happen with, I can stop it before it grows into the kind of life-dominating obsession I used to endure.

    Stay away from him. If you can't, make a conscious effort to find his flaws, because no doubt right now he's a glowing white figure of perfection in your eyes. He isn't. Meet new people. Go see movies. And, yes, maybe search the internet for some quick flings. They helped me to get the penis off the pedestal.

    desperaterobots on
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    UnderdogUnderdog Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    Very pathetic.

    I'm kidding. It's not pathetic at all. It's completely normal. It's called infatuation. Take the advice! Find a hobby, take your mind OFF him. The quicker you do that the easier it will be.

    If it is indeed infatuation, then I've found that separation does wonders. Typically, being with them just enhances the feelings of 'lurve' and it gets really hard to stick to the plan of not thinking about them. I'd forgo seeing him for a while. Even a week or two of complete separation can really help your brain calm down and allow you to be a bit more resolute as you try to reason with your emotions. You'll still like him when you start seeing him again but I've found that ample time to come to grips with the impossibility of the situation can do a lot to tone down the feelings.

    The solution IS simple though. That doesn't mean it's not super difficult to do. I mean, chin ups are simple but no one would say that doing 1000 of them would be easy.

    I wish you luck! I've gone through a lot of infatuation in my life too. It's often my initial reaction to anyone who I can stand for more than 5 minutes and just happens to be female.

    Underdog on
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    KeyScourgeKeyScourge __BANNED USERS regular
    edited January 2009
    Stay away from him. If you can't, make a conscious effort to find his flaws, because no doubt right now he's a glowing white figure of perfection in your eyes. He isn't. Meet new people. Go see movies. And, yes, maybe search the internet for some quick flings. They helped me to get the penis off the pedestal.
    I know he isn't. That's what makes it even more annoying. When I have a crush and the guys totally perfect in my opinion then I know I'm way outta my depth and there's no chance. But with this guy I see the flaws he has but for some sad, pathetic reason those flaws make him more realistic in terms of my ability to maybe, possibly end up with him (even though deep down I know it'll never happen), and makes me like him even more

    KeyScourge on
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    ForarForar #432 Toronto, Ontario, CanadaRegistered User regular
    edited January 2009
    KeyScourge wrote: »
    (yes, I am just that stupid).

    12 Step Program style, the first step towards recovery is recognizing you have a problem.

    As the others have said, find things to keep yourself occupied and try to enjoy yourself for who you are. Find others to court, date, have crushes on, etc.

    Forar on
    First they came for the Muslims, and we said NOT TODAY, MOTHERFUCKER!
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