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Should I stay or should I go?
Anome
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
This is a sucky situation that I would really like some outside advice on. I've been in a relationship with this guy for just over a year. I moved away from my hometown to Vancouver to live with him in June. At first it was great. Now, there are still good times but the overall feeling is bad. I'm going to try to be as honest as possible about both of our flaws and then see what you guys have to say, you're usually pretty wise. This is pretty long but it's a complicated situation.
We'll start with my problems with him. One of the issues that has been a problem almost from the beginning is physical affection. He's not into it, never got much as a kid, whatever. I feel like any passion we had is long gone, and if it's like this only a few months into living together, what kind of future can I expect in that regard? I'm tired of feeling like I'm asking him to make a huge sacrifice in hugging me or kissing me or having sex with me more than once a week.
There's also a money issue - he's been out of work for a few months and I work at a crappy fast food place, so it's tight. There is a place not too far from where I live called Labour Ready. The idea is you go in, work for a day, get paid at the end of that day. The pay is not great and the work sucks, but right now we're totally broke, I'm talking overdrawn on every account broke. He used to go before I moved down here but now there is no way I can convince him. I know it sucks but we need the money. It feels like he expects me to somehow magically take care of everything. I'm getting paid on Friday and I've made it quite clear to him that there will likely come a choice between food or rent. He's still not willing to go work for even one day. He seems to think that the fact that he's looking for a job is good enough.
Then there's the fact that he takes off randomly without telling me. Yesterday morning we had a fight before I went to work. On my break, I wrote him a letter because I'm way more articulate on paper. When I got home to give it to him, he wasn't here and hasn't come back or contacted me in any way. This isn't the first time this has happened. The best guess I have is that he went to his friend's place in Burnaby but he didn't leave a note or anything so I don't know anything for sure. He's never been gone more than one night, so if he follows his pattern he'll be back by tonight but all I can do is wonder right now. I don't think he's cheating on me. We have a degree of openness in our relationship so if he wanted to sleep with another girl, he knows the rules (I have to meet her, there has to be some guarantee that she doesn't have some nasty sex disease, condoms please).
Now onto my problems.
I am a very messy person. This is a fact. I'm trying really hard to keep up on the housekeeping but sometimes I really fall behind. In my view, he's not working, the least he can do is dishes and such, but when he doesn't I don't exactly jump all over picking up the slack. I am a very affectionate person and I know it can come off as needy and clingy. I like to cuddle while watching tv, sleeping, whatever. I have a somewhat ridiculous sex drive in that I'd like it every day, multiple times if possible. I can go a few days without but when I get turned down time after time I tend to take it really personally and pretty much crumble into a depressive crying heap. Not sexy. I'm working on this, but I just keep seeing myself being turned down over and over forever and exaggerate things somewhat hysterically in my mind until I can't help myself. I'd like to think that sex with me is more fun that video games at least once in a while.
I also tend to make plans that are great and even achievable but then I never follow through on them. I have plans of becoming a music teacher and I know that I'm a good enough flute player to get accepted to one of the many colleges around here but I'm really letting it get away from me. I'm not doing all I could be to find a job that I actually like or pays better in the meantime.
Any more questions feel free to ask. Age often comes up, so I'm 22, he's 30. Thank you to anyone who read this whole thing.
We'll start with my problems with him. One of the issues that has been a problem almost from the beginning is physical affection. He's not into it, never got much as a kid, whatever. I feel like any passion we had is long gone, and if it's like this only a few months into living together, what kind of future can I expect in that regard? I'm tired of feeling like I'm asking him to make a huge sacrifice in hugging me or kissing me or having sex with me more than once a week.
There's also a money issue - he's been out of work for a few months and I work at a crappy fast food place, so it's tight. There is a place not too far from where I live called Labour Ready. The idea is you go in, work for a day, get paid at the end of that day. The pay is not great and the work sucks, but right now we're totally broke, I'm talking overdrawn on every account broke. He used to go before I moved down here but now there is no way I can convince him. I know it sucks but we need the money. It feels like he expects me to somehow magically take care of everything. I'm getting paid on Friday and I've made it quite clear to him that there will likely come a choice between food or rent. He's still not willing to go work for even one day. He seems to think that the fact that he's looking for a job is good enough.
Then there's the fact that he takes off randomly without telling me. Yesterday morning we had a fight before I went to work. On my break, I wrote him a letter because I'm way more articulate on paper. When I got home to give it to him, he wasn't here and hasn't come back or contacted me in any way. This isn't the first time this has happened. The best guess I have is that he went to his friend's place in Burnaby but he didn't leave a note or anything so I don't know anything for sure. He's never been gone more than one night, so if he follows his pattern he'll be back by tonight but all I can do is wonder right now. I don't think he's cheating on me. We have a degree of openness in our relationship so if he wanted to sleep with another girl, he knows the rules (I have to meet her, there has to be some guarantee that she doesn't have some nasty sex disease, condoms please).
Now onto my problems.
I am a very messy person. This is a fact. I'm trying really hard to keep up on the housekeeping but sometimes I really fall behind. In my view, he's not working, the least he can do is dishes and such, but when he doesn't I don't exactly jump all over picking up the slack. I am a very affectionate person and I know it can come off as needy and clingy. I like to cuddle while watching tv, sleeping, whatever. I have a somewhat ridiculous sex drive in that I'd like it every day, multiple times if possible. I can go a few days without but when I get turned down time after time I tend to take it really personally and pretty much crumble into a depressive crying heap. Not sexy. I'm working on this, but I just keep seeing myself being turned down over and over forever and exaggerate things somewhat hysterically in my mind until I can't help myself. I'd like to think that sex with me is more fun that video games at least once in a while.
I also tend to make plans that are great and even achievable but then I never follow through on them. I have plans of becoming a music teacher and I know that I'm a good enough flute player to get accepted to one of the many colleges around here but I'm really letting it get away from me. I'm not doing all I could be to find a job that I actually like or pays better in the meantime.
Any more questions feel free to ask. Age often comes up, so I'm 22, he's 30. Thank you to anyone who read this whole thing.
Anome on
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except it took me 6 years to realize he was never going to get a good job, go back to school, care about life. ect.
as for advice, I think you already know what you need to do, and are looking for confirmation.
Break it off, and try to get yourself above water financially.
I've dealt with people like him before (everybody has). They kind of expect everything to wait for them so in that moment they get what they want, and act like the victim when things don't turn out that way. He doesn't get affectionate but expects sex when he wants it, doesn't put effort into job hunting but expects praise for trying.
It's excellent that you are willing to discuss your own weaknesses (such as messiness), but honestly when I read that part, you seemed almost over-apologetic. If he is not working (for any reason), he should totally be doing the housework while you are out there bringing in a paycheck. You shouldn't feel guilty for not picking up the slack.
I understand work is hard to come by, but it doesn't seem like he is trying very hard. He can't find ANYTHING? Heck, if he found a fast-food joint, that would double the joint income, yes?
As others have said, make sure you have said what you told us to HIM. If he has heard it, time to move on. He is leeching your cash and giving nothing in return (not just money, but not even affection). Relationships need to be give and take. Not identically, but there has to be SOME exchange. Seems like he is all take...
He does talk a lot about how he thought he'd be further in life by 30 and is seriously talking about going to culinary school. He's an amazing cook already, so that would be a great thing for him, but he skipped an information session in favour of sleep. Come to think of it, he skips an awful lot in favor of sleep. Work, interviews, my doctor's appointment where I found out I wasn't dying of cancer but still need surgery...
It's simple. If you're not getting what you need out of the relationship, and he's not willing to make any effort to help you in any way, then you need to leave. You can't fix him, and he's not going to get any better- even if he protests that he will.
If it's at all possible, go back to Vancouver. Go home. Being closer to folks who do love and care about you will go a long way in your own recovery.
I'm actually in Vancouver, my home is up north in an economically depressed small town. I'll still probably go back if/when this ends. I could get a job at the same fast food place again. Not ideal but better than nothing. At this point, I pretty much need a month off of rent to get myself set financially again and my parents have a room on offer. It's not ideal, but rent is cheap enough up there that I could get my own apartment in 2 months tops.
Dump him now, because you have only been together a year. It'll be harder the longer you wait, and you know already he isn't the guy for you. The sex issue is huge. Don't downplay it! Most guys have a much higher drive than him. However, don't judge your "sexiness" on how much sex you can get! Do it for your horniness, not the esteem of others.
Go to music school so you can do something with your life and meet a guy who is suited to you. You are 22! You have your whole life ahead of you and you should start it now. Don't talk yourself down because you have not done it so far - you obviously have drive and ambition and need to listen to it!
You're providing the best you can, and in dire straits his best simply isn't cutting it. You need to do what it takes to survive; dump him, move home (or somewhere afordable), grieve the end of a signficant relationship, and find someone that can meet your needs (or at least compromise to an acceptable degree); physically, emotionally, sexually, and financially. Sometimes a couple has to help each other out in varrying ways, but you shouldn't be in a position that leaves you putting in the lion's share of the effort and receiving little in return in terms of support.
What you describe doesn't sound like a partnership of equals, it sounds more like you're babysitting him.
You mean I'm not the only one? I wanted out after 1 year, I stayed for 7. I walked out with no car (sold it to pay bills), no self confidence (he doesn't want it because he's playing a video game, it has to be me), and a TON of bad debt (he cried if I didn't buy him everything he wanted and I couldn't take it.)
RUN RUN RUN. Seriously, DTMFA and GTFO.
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You can't solve his problems by staying, and you should make your decision as if he will NEVER change, because he probably won't. Listen to your gut.
But frankly, your BF sounds like he has a severe lack of the later. You need to dump him, and severe any financial links between the two of you. He is clearly an anchor weighing you down. Whatever his problems are, maybe depression (it sounds like depression), maybe just being a loser, he's going to have to work them out, or not, on his own. You can't cure him, you can't make him care about life if he clearly doesn't.
I'd pursue your music teacher dream if I were you. There are several places around the Lower Mainland that offer free government funded career counselling if you need help figuring out how to go about doing that. I can look up some names if you need that sort of help.
I'd never thought of depression, but it makes a lot of sense. He sleeps very poorly, he has no drive, he drinks an awful lot to the point I worry, and I'm sure there are other signs that I just don't know how to recognize. If that's the case, I hope he gets it worked out. He is honestly a good guy. This day and the weeks leading up to it have just shown that he's probably not the guy I should be with.
I'm at the point where the only way I'm likely to remain in this relationship is if he comes home with money and tells me he's been at work all day, bonus points for yesterday. Since he's not home yet and it's almost 7:30 and he has made no attempt to contact me, I'm assuming this is not the case.
I am so grateful for all of your advice. A few have pointed out that you're mostly telling me what I already knew, and there may be some truth in that, but it's still nice to know that I'm not just overreacting.
Names of career counseling places would be great, thank you so much.
Finally, as I said, he's not home yet. It's making my decision a lot easier. I'll possibly update later.
Oh, and one quick question - I've read a fair number of these relationship threads. Do you ever tell anyone to stay? I swear it's usually people in my type of situation looking for people to bolster their confidence that they're making the right decision no matter how hard it is. It is a valuable public service and I applaud you.
CUZ THERE'S SOMETHING IN THE MIDDLE AND IT'S GIVING ME A RASH
We are usually unbiased one way or the other. If people thought you were being unreasonable, or that you would be better off staying, my experience is that you would see those kinds of suggestions. Somehow in H/A we have made an art form out of simultaneously caring a great deal and yet not giving a flying fuck.
Another vote for: If he was going to change, he would have by now. See Also: Making an Effort.
Something. Jeebus. You can get hit up with a bad set of circumstances, sure. You can be a nice guy and still make no contributions to a household. What you have here is not a set of circumstances. You have a theme.
Themes can be hard to spot, because when a person takes things one thing at a time, it all sounds very reasonable. Oh, I missed the bus. Oh, the taxi was late. Oh, I slept in. Oh, I forgot your meds. Oh, I wrote down the wrong date. Oh, I'm not in the mood right now. Oh, I didn't think you'd miss me for three days.
Over time though, a theme begins to form. Through the words, through the promises, through the stories and actions and undertakings. Somehow, it never seems to work out. Somehow, there is always something that gets in the way. I think you've picked up on the theme. The tough part is figuring out what you need to do now that you know.
Change is hard, sure. But sometimes it has to be done. Gonna be him or you doing that, and the track record here is speaking for itself.
95% of these threads are people being unhappy in their relationship and knowing what they want to do but need reassurance what they are doing is the right thing.
When making this thread the way you structured it did you really think we would tell you to stay with him? Deep down you probably knew the answer but just wanted confirmation by people that don't know you well.
Honestly I was going to say at least talk to him a bit more but tell him it's his last chance, go get a job by the end of the week or you are leaving.
Then you pointed out that he sleeps through interviews and your doctors appointments and anything important. Guy doesn't give a fuck about anyone sorry. He might say nice things about you, but that's purely to keep the piece, dude is dragging you down and you shouldn't go with him.
Satans..... hints.....
Initially, reading your post, I thought that he was probably just immature - girls mature mentally and psychologically a few years before guys do, it seems, which is why so many college students can act like a total man-child despite having an advanced degree in whatever.
The fact that he hasn't grown out of this by the age of 30 leads me to believe that he probably won't.
Here's a list of places by municipality.
http://www.youremploymentservices.ca/employment_resource_centre.php
Basically, they set you up with a case manager so you go in and talk to them, then they point you at programs and resources that will help you go forward. This is Govt of Canada funded stuff, so its all free.
There's got to be something better than fast food you can do, depending on what skills you have, and these places can help you figure that out. I imagine in your case you're going to need work quickly, so thats probably you main focus.
Apparently, I've developed a reputation in H/A for siding with the "bad guy." I think that's bullshit, but I can see where people come from when they say that. I usually give people the benefit of the doubt, and believe that communication goes a long way to solving problems. So, knowing that, I hope you can appreciate what it means for me to say that this guy has some deep internal failings, most likely depression, that will become a part of you the longer you stay in the relationship. It seems like you've been a rock for this guy to lean on, but all he has done is erode you. It's time to move on.
I remember a girl a few days back who had a good relationship, but circumstances meant they could spend very little time together - most people advised her to stay, and sort things out. So not every piece of advice is "Dump him/her!", but most people do seem to be leaning towards dumping their SO when making this type of post.
You seem much more sure than others. Even if he comes home with flowers and apologies, you should probably still go - people can get stuck for years in this kind of relationship. If you leave him, you will probably be doing him a favour. Guys don't vanish 2 days unless they have something to avoid. He may be just too non-confrontational to say he wants to split up.
After that, he read my letter and we had a rational conversation. His main issue with me, as it turns out, is he feels like he's watching me give up on my life. When I first moved here, I started flute lessons with a new teacher to prepare for auditions and joined a band. I have since had to stop the lessons because of money and I stopped going to band for no reason I can really think of. It was hard for me to hear because a lot of what he said rang true.
Now, I'm no fool. I told him in no uncertain terms that this doesn't wash everything away. If this change is temporary then I'm gone. He's on his last chance and he knows it. The way he said the things he said and the steps he took before he even got home give me hope that he's sincere and motivated. Everything isn't perfect, but it does feel like we can recover and be happy.
Thank you all. You've been very helpful to me. Without this thread and a lot of the conversations I've been having with friends, I may have been more willing to be too forgiving. I think I've found a good place of cautious, intelligent optimism.
For clarity: Drop the motherfucking asshole?
If so, then yes. You need to get out. He will not change unless there is a bottom to drop to. Artificial or actual.
That's probably his only hope. You are just going to continue to feel horrible if you remain in that environment. Don't think about how it will affect him, or how he will get on. That's his problem.
Think about yourself and your well-being for once, because it's evident that he doesn't.
I got: Drop That Mother Fucker Asap
They both work....
Question for you OP...have you ever come close to leaving before? Have you two had the conversation about his failings prior to the letter? Did he clean up his act for a bit and then fall back into the sleeping all day again?
He's sleeping all day... does he fall asleep at random points, like in the middle of a discussion or in situations where people usually wouldn't fall asleep? If so, it could be that he has some kind of medical condition that should be looked at, which could be the cause of the whole problem.
Not saying that's the case necessarily, but if he's ever done anything like suddenly falling asleep while eating, or while talking to someone etc... there could be something physiological causing this whole problem.
Anome, so it looks like in this very thread you'll see people telling you to leave the guy and stick with the guy.
Before you posted that he had essentially done the same thing you're doing, it was pretty clear that he was a loser. Now, it looks like he followed the same path -- he talked with his friends. In his case, his friends said "Look, if you don't shape up, she's going to leave you, so either dump her and get it over with, or get a job, stop moping, and treat her like a loved partner."
If he keeps doing that, then yeah, stick with the guy. It's a rare find to discover that your partner can realize he/she's made an error and work to fix it. It sounds like he's realized that while you can help, he has to do the real work to get himself into a better place. The fact that you two were able to have a rational discussion about the problems you've been having is key, and a good sign.
It may not be easy, and it probably won't be perfect next week. So yes, be vigilant, and keep the communication open. You should support him emotionally, but make sure he's also supporting you emotionally, as well. It should not be a one-way street, and it's easy to see your partner make some small changes and overlook the giant elephant in the room (aka how you actually feel).
This sounds like good news, Anome. Biggest thing you need to do is to push him into a routine: wake up early, go to work, then work on applications/ go to interviews, etc... It is harder to fall out of a routine (and hence not go to work) if you go to bed and wake up at reasonable times. Benjamin Franklin's adage still works.