Parents breaking up, any advice?

Mr_Grinch

Heya,

I don't usually go asking "strangers" on the Internet for advice like this but then my parents aren't usually splitting up. I'll keep the story brief:

Last November my Mam finds out my Dad's having an affair, they've been together for 30 years and he tells her he regrets doing it and that he'll break it off. He does so and my Mam thinks she can forgive him. Things progress and I see them over Xmas and all appears to be on track.

Yesterday I get a phone call from my Mam telling me that Dad got home from work and said he's leaving her and that he needs some place. He isn't sure if it's forever he just needs to work out how he feels. Later he tells me + my cousin (my cousin is close to my Mam, more like a Daughter and was with her last night) that he can't see them getting back together. My Mam's in utter pieces, she's been to the doctor's this morning and been signed off work and given something to calm her down.

Now myself, I'm 27, whilst upset I can handle this but is there anything I can do for my parents? I'm not taking sides and I know it's up to them to sort it out but short of being there for my Mam is there anything someone can suggest?

I'm on my way back there now (I live 3 hours away which makes me feel pretty useless too) and I think she's going to come back to stop with me for a few days to get her head straight.

Even if no-one has any suggestions it makes me feel a bit better writing this down.

Prime

My parents split but under different circumstances and every break up is different so specific advise is hard.

But the best advise I can give from my own experiance is (however cruel it may seem) dont let either one of them turn to you as a long term emotional crutch, ok while its fresh and raw be there to listen to either/both of them and support where needed, but long term they need to be comfortable being their own person again which means standing on their own two feet.

Also if it does get ugly (as it often can when sadness turns to anger) keep out of it. It eventually cools down.

Its tough for everyone involved, yourself included so dont think you have to be an emotionless rock for everyone else. I know I did for a long time but eventually I cracked and ended up a wreck for a month, but on the upside I now have a good relationship with both parents in fact the best its ever been.

I hope things work out the best way they can for you.

RUNN1NGMAN

My parents split up when I was in college. Best advice I can give is to not let their drama become your drama. They will either implicitly or explicitly ask you to take sides—don't do it (unless there's some special circumstance like abuse involved). Don't put up with one bad mouthing the other to you. Just firmly and calmly tell them that you don't want to participate in talk like that about your other parent. Chances are both share some responsibility for the split up, so don't get caught up in who is "right" and "wrong." Also, like Prime said, don't let either one use you as a crutch. Letting your dad or mom throw a permanent pity party while you take care of everything for them won't help. "Being there" for your mom doesn't mean becoming a caretaker. She's a grown-up, she can take care of herself even if she hasn't had to in a while.

Deathwing

I'm going/have gone through something like this myself (without dad having an affair though) - things deteriorated, dad left, mom fell to pieces and eventually moved 6 hours away. For added insanity, my grandma (mom's side) died after a prolonged illness right before things became unrecoverable.

I'm on my way back there now (I live 3 hours away which makes me feel pretty useless too) and I think she's going to come back to stop with me for a few days to get her head straight.

A few days, while it's still fresh, yeah. But as the other posters have said, you have your own life....you can't become a permanent caretaker, and you need to make sure she understands that you're not going to be at her beck and call constantly for visits and such.

For me, holidays have been the worst so far - my wife and I weren't really able to travel anywhere this past Christmas thanks to her work schedule, and even after multiple explanations of why we couldn't come, I still got a few phone calls from her starting with some variant of "Why won't you come?!" and then dissolving into sobbing, attempts to get pity, insinuating that I hated her, etc.

You just have to stand as firm as you can, offer support where you can without it blowing your own life to heck, and don't let either of them force you to take sides.

Bionic Monkey

Mr_Grinch wrote: »

Heya,

I don't usually go asking "strangers" on the Internet for advice like this but then my parents aren't usually splitting up. I'll keep the story brief:

Last November my Mam finds out my Dad's having an affair, they've been together for 30 years and he tells her he regrets doing it and that he'll break it off. He does so and my Mam thinks she can forgive him. Things progress and I see them over Xmas and all appears to be on track.

Yesterday I get a phone call from my Mam telling me that Dad got home from work and said he's leaving her and that he needs some place. He isn't sure if it's forever he just needs to work out how he feels. Later he tells me + my cousin (my cousin is close to my Mam, more like a Daughter and was with her last night) that he can't see them getting back together. My Mam's in utter pieces, she's been to the doctor's this morning and been signed off work and given something to calm her down.

Now myself, I'm 27, whilst upset I can handle this but is there anything I can do for my parents? I'm not taking sides and I know it's up to them to sort it out but short of being there for my Mam is there anything someone can suggest?

I'm on my way back there now (I live 3 hours away which makes me feel pretty useless too) and I think she's going to come back to stop with me for a few days to get her head straight.

Even if no-one has any suggestions it makes me feel a bit better writing this down.

First off, I'm sorry. 27-years-old, or 7-years-old, going through a divorce is never easy.

My advice is take time to mourne like you would any kind of loss. And be there for support for both your mom and your dad. (Edit: Like others have said, keep this support reasonable. You're an adult with your own life, and can't be an emotional crutch for either parent.)

Try not to take sides. This is something they're going to have to deal with themselves, and there's not really anything you can do to help or hinder the process.

Dog

RUNN1NGMAN wrote: »

My parents split up when I was in college. Best advice I can give is to not let their drama become your drama. They will either implicitly or explicitly ask you to take sides—don't do it (unless there's some special circumstance like abuse involved). Don't put up with one bad mouthing the other to you. Just firmly and calmly tell them that you don't want to participate in talk like that about your other parent. Chances are both share some responsibility for the split up, so don't get caught up in who is "right" and "wrong." Also, like Prime said, don't let either one use you as a crutch. Letting your dad or mom throw a permanent pity party while you take care of everything for them won't help. "Being there" for your mom doesn't mean becoming a caretaker. She's a grown-up, she can take care of herself even if she hasn't had to in a while.

This is really good advice and it's pretty much exactly how I handled it.

My parents always try and play my sister and I off of the other parent and I just tell them look, I really don't want to hear about this/ really don't want to be put in the middle of this. They either drop it, or I leave.

You are old enough so that this shouldn't effect your day to day (unless you are living at home), it just means that family gatherings might be a bit awkward, or you will have more of them to go to. It sucks, but you are an adult living your own life. Be supportive but don't be a crutch and don't fight their battles.

Shawnasee

Don't play match maker and try and get them back together.

and just love them both.

LewieP's Mummy

I'm so sorry, its just dreadful when this happens.

Bionic Monkey wrote: »

First off, I'm sorry. 27-years-old, or 7-years-old, going through a divorce is never easy.

My advice is take time to mourn like you would any kind of loss. And be there for support for both your mom and your dad. (Edit: Like others have said, keep this support reasonable. You're an adult with your own life, and can't be an emotional crutch for either parent.)

Try not to take sides. This is something they're going to have to deal with themselves, and there's not really anything you can do to help or hinder the process.

They have to deal with their relationship themselves, if they try to suck you in, don't let them, you still need both of them (leastways, I still need mine), still need to have a good relationship with them, and you'll struggle to do that if they try to make you take sides.

Improvolone

Depending on what type of people your parents are, its going to be different. I have a friend whose parents divorced and they still get along gravy. My parents... not so much.
My personal advise is don't take sides, refuse to listen to anything that puts down either parent, and refuse to answer anything that is "either he's lying or I am, which is it?" or something similar.

BrotherVoodoo

This might sound callous, so you might have to understand where I'm coming from when I give advice, but don't let your dad and this parental bullshit fuck up your life, and while you might want to help your mom, it's important she deal with this on her own terms as well.

corcorigan

Yes, absolutely don't take sides.

Mr_Grinch

Thanks for the advice up to now folks (only really just had chance to check up on this post). Things are going better than I thought, my Dad's stopping with his brother and my Mam will be coming to my place for a few days. He wants some space before making up his mind and so does my Mam.

Fortunately neither have tried to get me to take sides and I don't think they will. I am concerned about my Dad though, I haven't seen him for a while and he looks awful. The only way I can put it is he doesn't seem well, mentally and physically. He's dropped a ton of weight and just doesn't seem the same person. His job's very stressful and I think it might be getting to him. He seems...odd. Maybe just the current circumstance though.

Cheers again folks, nice to know people have taken the time to reply. I'm off out in a moment, my Mam seems to want time to digest the day so I'm going to hit the pub for a quiet drink with a good friend.

Improvolone

Mr_Grinch wrote: »

Fortunately neither have tried to get me to take sides and I don't think they will.

You'd be surprised at what can happen during a divorce, weather they realize it or not. I'm not saying it will happen, but don't be surprised if something does.

Shawnasee

If they are taking time to decide about things, then I wonder if going to see a marriage counselor isn't out of the question.

Also, your Dad may be suffering depression from the guilt he may be feeling about his stepping out on your Mom.

I was in the basement of a friend of mines for a year and a half from doing the same thing as your Dad. It ripped me up inside and I can only imagine your Dad may be going through something similar. 6 years later and I still feel horrible about it. I'm actually getting emotional typing this out.

I think, judging from my own experience, that your Dad saying he doesn't see them getting back together may stem from the shame he feels from having the affair. Betraying your spouse after 30 years together has to be taking it's toll.

Anyway, it's pure conjecture on my part but his guilt may explain him being "odd".

Maybe counseling or therapy might be of some use here...for your parents.

witch_ie

During my parents' divorce neither of them really asked us to take sides either, mostly because they made a point of not doing so. I think the important thing is to make sure that they both know you love them, whatever they decide. It may not alleviate the stress of what they're going through, but it will help them.

Nocturne

Shawnasee wrote: »

If they are taking time to decide about things, then I wonder if going to see a marriage counselor isn't out of the question.

Also, your Dad may be suffering depression from the guilt he may be feeling about his stepping out on your Mom.

I was in the basement of a friend of mines for a year and a half from doing the same thing as your Dad. It ripped me up inside and I can only imagine your Dad may be going through something similar. 6 years later and I still feel horrible about it. I'm actually getting emotional typing this out.

I think, judging from my own experience, that your Dad saying he doesn't see them getting back together may stem from the shame he feels from having the affair. Betraying your spouse after 30 years together has to be taking it's toll.

Anyway, it's pure conjecture on my part but his guilt may explain him being "odd".

Maybe counseling or therapy might be of some use here...for your parents.

This. If your dad doesn't seem healthy emotionally or physically, try and get him some help in the form of therapy/counseling if you can. Same thing for your mom if she seems to be taking it really hard and not able to handle it in a healthy way.

Aside from depression and other mental illnesses, there could be unknown addictions at play as well, and all of these things may require professional help.

Professional help will also keep them from turning to you. I know my parents going to a divorce counselor really helped with things.

Mr_Grinch

Again, thanks for any and all advice guys. I am reading the thread but just haven't (what with everything going on) had much of a chance to update it.

Hevach

Prime wrote: »

Also if it does get ugly (as it often can when sadness turns to anger) keep out of it. It eventually cools down.

This. Others have touched on it, but don't let them make you a part of it, either. Your status, custody, etc will likely be a part of the process regardless (I'm assuming your a minor in case I missed something in the thread), but it doesn't have to come home to you.

As Improvolone said, when things get ugly, they can often get very petty, as well. If that happens, be prepared to stand up for yourself, tell them you won't be leverage or something for them to fight over like the car or the house.

My parents almost divorced three times (and should have just gotten it over with, IMO), and this was the hardest thing for me, and it's the part that puts kids in therapy for years, the games their parents play with them during and after a divorce. The second time, I was fed up with it and did just this, and it changed the entire tone of the fight, I think it took the heart out of them both. It was the end of my mom treating me like her little baby, but that's not necessarily a bad thing.

Mr_Grinch

Nah, no minor, I'm 27 so that won't be too much of an issue.

I feel much better about it at the moment, the main reason I was worried is because my Mam's depended on him for so long now she felt she couldn't do basic things and this in turn made me worry. But after seeing her the last two days (and I know she's putting a brave face on it, but still) I'm much more confident that she'd be able to get on.

My Dad I'm worried about though, he looks ill and has a horrendous cough. He's lost a shed load of weight and just doesn't seem to care about anything except his job. He won't go to the doctor (who has called him discreetly after seeing the state my mother was in when she visited the doc) and I believe that's because he's scared he'll be signed off sick. I've tried to convince him, in that case, to head to a walk-in centre and at least get checked out there but still no luck.

Still a shitty situation but it's not really "my" shitty situation so I'm by and large ok. I've got a wedding to organise to keep my mind off things (I do find it ironic that at the time I'll be getting married my parents looks likely to be getting divorced. Should make organising seating plans fun!).