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Dating question

ANTVGM64ANTVGM64 Registered User regular
edited February 2009 in Help / Advice Forum
Howdy, just a quick moral question here.

I've been on two dates with a nice girl who really doesn't light my world on fire. We've been intimate.


Now along comes another girl who seems pretty full of life, that wants to go on a date with me to see a movie (The Wrestler!).

I feel bad about saying yes to the second girl, who knows about the first girl. It's only two dates, and The first girl and I haven't really committed to anything, and I do like the second girl at least enough to go on a date with her.

1) Am I thinking too much?
2) Should I find a completely delicate way to the tell the first girl I'm going on a date?
3) Or should I just see where this date takes me and go from there?

ANTVGM64 on

Posts

  • CruixCruix Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    I think you should let the first girl know that you're not exclusive at the moment, at least. You don't need to tell her who you're seeing or let her know when you're seeing her, just that you don't want to be exclusive at the moment. Make sure she's okay with it.

    It all depends on the person, these days. Some people expect exclusivity to some degree after the first date if you're planning to see them again -- some people are fine with dating other people until they know they're ready to commit to one person to some degree.

    Most importantly, if you are going to be intimate with either or both of these women, you need to make sure they both know that you're not exclusive.

    Cruix on
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  • mooshoeporkmooshoepork Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    You should tell the first girl you aren't interested, instead of leading her on until something better comes along.

    mooshoepork on
  • CruixCruix Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    You should tell the first girl you aren't interested, instead of leading her on until something better comes along.

    There's nothing wrong with dating to see where things go. She doesn't light his fire now, but it's only been two dates and you never know. As long as she knows they aren't too serious right now and doesn't mind that, it should be fine.

    Cruix on
    housesig2.gif
  • SmurphSmurph Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    When my current girlfriend and I started dating, I was one of 3 guys she was dating at the time. She hadn't been intimate with any of us. After about 2 weeks she broke it off with the other 2 guys and became "exclusive" with me. After about 3 months she told me about the other 2 guys during the first 2 weeks. I almost left her right there. I'm sure some people would disagree, but I would never have even considered a relationship with someone I knew was dating other people, even if we weren't "exclusive".

    Basically what I am saying is don't try to keep dating both girls if you want to end up in a long term relationship with either of them. A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, etc.

    Smurph on
  • LailLail Surrey, B.C.Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    I don't think you need to go out and tell the first girl anything. If she asks, don't lie, but I don't think there's a need to call her up and say, "by the way I'm going on a date with another girl." It's just a movie.

    Lail on
  • VisionOfClarityVisionOfClarity Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    If you're not in a committed relationship with girl one there is no reason not to date girl two. People these days seem to be so opposed to casual dating. If someone doesn't want me to see other people then they better ask me to be their gf otherwise they can go to hell because they have no right to tell me not to see other people.

    VisionOfClarity on
  • TheStigTheStig Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    If she has a problem with it just be all like "I don't see no engagement ring on my finger honey" in a Latino accent if possible.
    Seriously though, what Lail said is about all the advice you need. Date other people, don't make a secret about it but don't go out of your way to tell them, that just makes you sound like an ass. Only if it becomes serious should it become an exclusive thing.

    TheStig on
    bnet: TheStig#1787 Steam: TheStig
  • oldsakoldsak Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    If you're not in a committed relationship with girl one there is no reason not to date girl two. People these days seem to be so opposed to casual dating. If someone doesn't want me to see other people then they better ask me to be their gf otherwise they can go to hell because they have no right to tell me not to see other people.

    Something like this, but with less anger. :)

    oldsak on
  • BamaBama Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    Smurph wrote: »
    A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, etc.
    Sienna'd for latent misogyny

    Don't go out of your way to tell the first girl that you're going on a date as that will just be awkward and might be interpreted as a hint to GTFO. If things pick up with the second girl then you're going to have to have a talk at some point.

    Bama on
  • kaliyamakaliyama Left to find less-moderated fora Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    I think you're OK for now. I think the ethical dividing line for when you should pick somebody is if you're acting legitimately like a boyfriend (going out on dates regularly, spending time together as if you had a talk about exclusivity), rather than there being some arbitrary dividing line when you have a "talk." I don't think your're anywhere near that point.

    kaliyama on
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  • Kate of LokysKate of Lokys Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    Casual dating is absolutely fine. If you want to go out to the movies with a different girl every night, more power to you. Keep it light, get some variety, maximize your chances of finding somebody you really click with eventually, and have some fun in the meantime.

    I do, however, think that dynamic changes slightly once sex gets involved. If you're in a sexual relationship, you have a responsibility to be open and honest with all of your partners. Condoms can break, herpes can go into submission, there's no absolute guarantee of safety, and anyone you're having sex with needs to have full knowledge of the extent of your activities so they can make an informed decision about the risks involved.

    If you just want to go on a date with Girl B, no problem, have fun, I don't see a need for you to tell Girl A about it. But if you decide you want to fuck Girl B, you need to sit down with both of them (not at the same time!), and tell them straight-up "Look, I'm planning on having sex with other people while I'm with you, are you OK with that?"

    Casual dating is OK. Casual sex is OK. One-night stands are OK. But you need to be up-front about things, because your decisions affect other people too, and they have a right to know.

    Kate of Lokys on
  • VisionOfClarityVisionOfClarity Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    oldsak wrote: »
    If you're not in a committed relationship with girl one there is no reason not to date girl two. People these days seem to be so opposed to casual dating. If someone doesn't want me to see other people then they better ask me to be their gf otherwise they can go to hell because they have no right to tell me not to see other people.

    Something like this, but with less anger. :)

    Lol, I had someone try this on me once and the result was not pretty. He honestly thought that because we went on two dates it must be love and thought he could tell me not to see other people. Asking someone to be your girlfriend = nice, telling them they need to stop seeing other people = not so nice.


    Granted, when my boyfriend and I stopped seeing other people it went along the lines of;

    Him: Soandso asked me to come visit but I said no.
    Me: So you're not seeing anyone else now?
    Him: No.
    Me: Good because I'd hate to have to cut a bitch.

    VisionOfClarity on
  • SammyFSammyF Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    I'm with Kate on this one. Two dates by itself doesn't constitute any sort of promise that you'll be with someone forever and always, and the unspoken agreement among adults is that when casually dating, everyone's free at least to meet other people so they have a chance to end up with someone they truly love, rather than settling on the first person who said yes to coffee.

    Sex does have a way of complicating the issue, though. Only the most clingy of people object to a person they've gone on two dates with seeing another person for a date or two, but more people would object to someone they're sleeping with also sleeping with someone else. Short term advice is to make sure you establish the boundaries with the first girl before making a decision on the second girl. Long term advice is that you should probably hold off on physical intimacy longer than two dates in the future unless you want to have to have this conversation about how monogamy isn't necessarily your bag with other girls in the future.

    SammyF on
  • CelestialBadgerCelestialBadger Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    If she doesn't light your world on fire, better to tell her it's not going anywhere before she falls in love and you break her heart.

    CelestialBadger on
  • BelruelBelruel NARUTO FUCKS Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    dating is dating, and is completely different from being in a relationship. it is just important that all parties involved know that you are not exclusive.

    Belruel on
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  • ForarForar #432 Toronto, Ontario, CanadaRegistered User regular
    edited January 2009
    I pondered how to respond to this, and then Kate said exactly what I wanted to say.

    Casual dating is fine, in my opinion, but for all the reasons she noted, once you're sexually active with one or more, and/or plan to be active with one or more, the rules change.

    "Dating" in terms of dinner, movies, and even making out seems fine and fairly harmless until one or both parties want to make something more serious of it. Once people start getting naked, there need to be some potentially unpleasant chats or choices made.

    But that's just my opinion on it.

    Forar on
    First they came for the Muslims, and we said NOT TODAY, MOTHERFUCKER!
  • BelruelBelruel NARUTO FUCKS Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    aah, very true. if you're having sex then that changes things usually. why didn't you say 'i had sex with the first girl' i took being intimate as having a heated cuddle.

    if you're fucking, things get complicated, make sure she knows you're not exclusive.

    Belruel on
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  • Richard_DastardlyRichard_Dastardly Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    Sex within the spectrum of two dates shouldn't complicate anything. It'd be different if you two banged after several dates. But, unless this girl assumes that dating+sex=ltr, you shouldn't have a problem going out with someone else. Just be upfront about it, or at least don't lie if she asks.

    Richard_Dastardly on
  • ForarForar #432 Toronto, Ontario, CanadaRegistered User regular
    edited January 2009
    Sex within the spectrum of two dates shouldn't complicate anything. It'd be different if you two banged after several dates. But, unless this girl assumes that dating+sex=ltr, you shouldn't have a problem going out with someone else. Just be upfront about it, or at least don't lie if she asks.

    It does if he intends to have sex with the second (or third, or however many he can handle) woman. Once you're actively sexually involved with someone, being actively sexually involved with more people complicates things significantly.

    Just because she's apparently into casual sex (regarding the comment about having at each other after only 2 dates) doesn't mean she's going to be okay with him being active with other people while being active with her.

    Think about it this way; if a woman you were dating/fucking was dating/fucking someone else, wouldn't you want to know?

    Forar on
    First they came for the Muslims, and we said NOT TODAY, MOTHERFUCKER!
  • SakebombSakebomb Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    Life is whatever you make of it.
    Life can also be a threesome.

    Sakebomb on
  • BelruelBelruel NARUTO FUCKS Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    Forar wrote: »
    Sex within the spectrum of two dates shouldn't complicate anything. It'd be different if you two banged after several dates. But, unless this girl assumes that dating+sex=ltr, you shouldn't have a problem going out with someone else. Just be upfront about it, or at least don't lie if she asks.

    It does if he intends to have sex with the second (or third, or however many he can handle) woman. Once you're actively sexually involved with someone, being actively sexually involved with more people complicates things significantly.

    Just because she's apparently into casual sex (regarding the comment about having at each other after only 2 dates) doesn't mean she's going to be okay with him being active with other people while being active with her.

    Think about it this way; if a woman you were dating/fucking was dating/fucking someone else, wouldn't you want to know?

    even if only for the possible health reasons D:

    Belruel on
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  • SammyFSammyF Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    Sex within the spectrum of two dates shouldn't complicate anything. It'd be different if you two banged after several dates. But, unless this girl assumes that dating+sex=ltr, you shouldn't have a problem going out with someone else. Just be upfront about it, or at least don't lie if she asks.

    Just want to add on to Forar's earlier response to this point, regarding the italicized part: dude. Come on. Everyone and his brother has gone out with that one chick who put out after only one or two dates and came back at him later with a line that sounds like, "it wasn't casual for ME, I made love with you because I felt like we had a real connection, what kind of girl did you take me for?" Or that other girl who acts all cool and non-chalant about banging you like it's no big deal, until she checks out your facebook page and flips the fuck out over that cute blond who friended you.

    The chance that this girl's going to hold a dissenting opinion may or may not be likely, but the possibility shouldn't be discounted.

    SammyF on
  • MrMonroeMrMonroe passed out on the floor nowRegistered User regular
    edited January 2009
    Honestly if you find the second girl more appealing why do you want to keep dating the first one at all?

    MrMonroe on
  • ForarForar #432 Toronto, Ontario, CanadaRegistered User regular
    edited January 2009
    MrMonroe wrote: »
    Honestly if you find the second girl more appealing why do you want to keep dating the first one at all?

    He already knows she puts out?

    I mean, I'm honestly not trolling the thread. That seems like a reason, for some people at least.

    I'm not saying it's a good reason.

    But here we are.

    Forar on
    First they came for the Muslims, and we said NOT TODAY, MOTHERFUCKER!
  • VisionOfClarityVisionOfClarity Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    Forar wrote: »
    MrMonroe wrote: »
    Honestly if you find the second girl more appealing why do you want to keep dating the first one at all?

    He already knows she puts out?

    I mean, I'm honestly not trolling the thread. That seems like a reason, for some people at least.

    I'm not saying it's a good reason.

    But here we are.

    Unless he wants to get into a relationship there's no reason for him to date only one girl.

    VisionOfClarity on
  • SeptusSeptus Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    Yeah, he's not doing anything wrong for wanting to keep it going for the sex, but I would say that considering sex has already happened, he should be that much more aware to what her expectations may be. I'd agree that if he's having sex with both, he should bring up the subject with both, that he's having sex with more than one person.

    Until then, if he's sleeping with girl a and dating girl b, I don't think he needs to mention anything to girl a, unless she talks about exclusivity, or gives him a hint that she expects it.

    Septus on
    PSN: Kurahoshi1
  • ANTVGM64ANTVGM64 Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    Thanks for all the advice, I decided I'm going to go on the date with the second girl, and the first girl, in fact, hasn't contacted me since Monday, so maybe that's a sign she would like to keep it casual as well, and like someone in the thread said, I didn't go out of my way to tell her, either.

    Also: when I said intimate I didn't have sex with the first girl, I just figured that'd be a more gentlemanly way of saying that I got a BJ.

    So yeah, BJ from girl one.

    and it was toothy.

    but she's a sweet girl.

    ANTVGM64 on
  • CelestialBadgerCelestialBadger Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    Septus wrote: »
    Until then, if he's sleeping with girl a and dating girl b, I don't think he needs to mention anything to girl a, unless she talks about exclusivity, or gives him a hint that she expects it.

    Speaking as a girl, I wouldn't demand exclusivity from a boyfriend (that's just crazy confrontational) but if I found out he was sleeping with someone else, I'd be very put off, probably dump him.

    CelestialBadger on
  • SevorakSevorak Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    Septus wrote: »
    Until then, if he's sleeping with girl a and dating girl b, I don't think he needs to mention anything to girl a, unless she talks about exclusivity, or gives him a hint that she expects it.

    Speaking as a girl, I wouldn't demand exclusivity from a boyfriend (that's just crazy confrontational) but if I found out he was sleeping with someone else, I'd be very put off, probably dump him.

    Dating != boyfriend

    Sevorak on
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  • ForarForar #432 Toronto, Ontario, CanadaRegistered User regular
    edited January 2009
    Sevorak wrote: »
    Septus wrote: »
    Until then, if he's sleeping with girl a and dating girl b, I don't think he needs to mention anything to girl a, unless she talks about exclusivity, or gives him a hint that she expects it.

    Speaking as a girl, I wouldn't demand exclusivity from a boyfriend (that's just crazy confrontational) but if I found out he was sleeping with someone else, I'd be very put off, probably dump him.

    Dating != boyfriend

    Let's not get caught on semantics. As established earlier, most people seem to agree that being forthcoming if you're going to be fucking other people while dating/fucking them is the right thing to do, for several reasons.

    Forar on
    First they came for the Muslims, and we said NOT TODAY, MOTHERFUCKER!
  • CelestialBadgerCelestialBadger Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    Sevorak wrote: »
    Dating != boyfriend
    I'm not sure that women often distinguish between the two. This leads to much woe between the sexes.

    CelestialBadger on
  • VisionOfClarityVisionOfClarity Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    Septus wrote: »
    Until then, if he's sleeping with girl a and dating girl b, I don't think he needs to mention anything to girl a, unless she talks about exclusivity, or gives him a hint that she expects it.

    Speaking as a girl, I wouldn't demand exclusivity from a boyfriend (that's just crazy confrontational) but if I found out he was sleeping with someone else, I'd be very put off, probably dump him.

    You can't dump someone who's not your boyfriend though (as said dating != boyfriend, you tend to be exclusive when you're in a relationship vs. just dating) you can stop putting out. Granted, if someone isn't my bf I assume he's getting it elsewhere too and treat it as such when it comes to safety. If I didn't want him sleeping with other girls I'd talk to him about being in a relationship and make that transition from 'a girl he's sleeping with' to 'the girl he's sleeping with'.

    VisionOfClarity on
  • BelruelBelruel NARUTO FUCKS Registered User regular
    edited February 2009
    Sevorak wrote: »
    Dating != boyfriend
    I'm not sure that women often distinguish between the two. This leads to much woe between the sexes.

    women? it is very often men that are clingy assumptive people. both sexes do this.

    Belruel on
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  • kaliyamakaliyama Left to find less-moderated fora Registered User regular
    edited February 2009
    Belruel wrote: »
    Sevorak wrote: »
    Dating != boyfriend
    I'm not sure that women often distinguish between the two. This leads to much woe between the sexes.

    women? it is very often men that are clingy assumptive people. both sexes do this.

    new thread on the way

    kaliyama on
    fwKS7.png?1
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