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Trouble making friends
Arfenhouse
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
...but you all always seem so helpful. So here goes.
I'm tired. I'm mentally and emotionally tired. Not in a way that hinders my college classes, nor in a way that sleep has been able to relieve me of. I moved to my current city a couple of years ago to start college, leaving all of my friends behind, including my best friend of 14 years.
I'm not in bad place in life, I have a great job that allows me alot of free time, a lot of nice things, a wonderful family that, though my parents are divorced and still fighting over a lot of stuff, always has an open ear and will talk to me over the phone whenever I have an issue. But maybe I need a stranger's help here, because them listening isn't helping.
I have 0 friends here. Let me repeat, 0 friends. Now, I have acquaintances, and some really cool people that I talk to in class. But none of them want to hang out outside of class. Again, let me repeat, none of them. I don't drink, but I'm okay with going to parties and bars and whatnot. I'm pretty much okay with going and doing anything as long as it doesn't involve mandatory ingestion of alcohol or drugs. I have tried to make good friends here, but it's not working. Either you're a religious crazy person, or a screw-the-10-step alcoholic.
When I first started here, I went "it's okay, when I get up into the classes for my degree, everyone will have classes together like in high school, and I'll make friends then." Well, I have the same classes with the same people. Still no friends. I'm not the hippest guy on the block, but damnit I'm affable! I talk to people, people like to talk to me, and I'm not bad looking either, ladies. I work out, wash regularly, etc. But it seems as if as soon as we step outside of class, no one cares.
I'm not trying to make friends to justify my own existence, and I'm not trying to get a girlfriend because I think it'll solve everything. I'm TIRED of sitting at home on the weekends watching CSI with my goddamn CATS. TIRED.
Speaking of women...I haven't had a date since I've been here. That's two years. Oh, I've asked, I've chatted up girls, I'm definitely no wuss. Either everyone has a boyfriend, or they just got out of a committed relationship, or they're not interested in dating. This isn't like 4 or 5 girls over 2 years. This is AT LEAST 25-30. Separate women. And not even friends of each other, like I'm going down a line going "hey, you wanna go out? you? no? you? no?" I'm talking completely different girls, from all walks of life.
I don't know what to do. I spent this past weekend staring at facebook, at my phones contact list, etc, COMPLETELY out of options.
TLDR; Call the wambulance, this guy's french crying.
I'm tired. I'm mentally and emotionally tired. Not in a way that hinders my college classes, nor in a way that sleep has been able to relieve me of. I moved to my current city a couple of years ago to start college, leaving all of my friends behind, including my best friend of 14 years.
I'm not in bad place in life, I have a great job that allows me alot of free time, a lot of nice things, a wonderful family that, though my parents are divorced and still fighting over a lot of stuff, always has an open ear and will talk to me over the phone whenever I have an issue. But maybe I need a stranger's help here, because them listening isn't helping.
I have 0 friends here. Let me repeat, 0 friends. Now, I have acquaintances, and some really cool people that I talk to in class. But none of them want to hang out outside of class. Again, let me repeat, none of them. I don't drink, but I'm okay with going to parties and bars and whatnot. I'm pretty much okay with going and doing anything as long as it doesn't involve mandatory ingestion of alcohol or drugs. I have tried to make good friends here, but it's not working. Either you're a religious crazy person, or a screw-the-10-step alcoholic.
When I first started here, I went "it's okay, when I get up into the classes for my degree, everyone will have classes together like in high school, and I'll make friends then." Well, I have the same classes with the same people. Still no friends. I'm not the hippest guy on the block, but damnit I'm affable! I talk to people, people like to talk to me, and I'm not bad looking either, ladies. I work out, wash regularly, etc. But it seems as if as soon as we step outside of class, no one cares.
I'm not trying to make friends to justify my own existence, and I'm not trying to get a girlfriend because I think it'll solve everything. I'm TIRED of sitting at home on the weekends watching CSI with my goddamn CATS. TIRED.
Speaking of women...I haven't had a date since I've been here. That's two years. Oh, I've asked, I've chatted up girls, I'm definitely no wuss. Either everyone has a boyfriend, or they just got out of a committed relationship, or they're not interested in dating. This isn't like 4 or 5 girls over 2 years. This is AT LEAST 25-30. Separate women. And not even friends of each other, like I'm going down a line going "hey, you wanna go out? you? no? you? no?" I'm talking completely different girls, from all walks of life.
I don't know what to do. I spent this past weekend staring at facebook, at my phones contact list, etc, COMPLETELY out of options.
TLDR; Call the wambulance, this guy's french crying.
Arfenhouse on
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Posts
Search local paper for any events dealing with things your interested in.
Do some community service to meet people.
Unless you're completely inept socially, you'll meet a friend. Eventually. It can suck moving to a new place, especially when most of the people you meet there already have established roots in the area. Just keep an eye out for newly arrived peoples and maybe strike up a conversation with them.
Without making a serious effort, this won't necessarily happen. I made no real friends for the first two years of college away, I hung out with a couple of people from one of my classes all of 3 or 4 times.
Hell, when I transferred schools to my hometown, I had friends, but they were all friends I knew from before college, and I made no new friends through college.
It's entirely possible to not just fall right into having friends in college, that so many people take for granted.
I would actually recommend that you find some volunteer work to to at the weekends. It gets you out of out of the house you meet new people and its rewarding work. Either that or do you work at all? If so try engaging with your workmates more.
And no, I won't drink, even socially. I have nothing against people who do it, but I won't. And frankly, I'm tired of people telling me I should do because everyone else is, no offense. It gets annoying real fast. Yes, I know it's the social lube of choice since forever, but I still don't like it. Switch "beer" with "nasty flavor Robutussin", and you'll see where my opinions on beer come from. I wouldn't drink cough syrup from a can just to make friends with people who think they need cough syrup to make friends, and I won't drink beer for the same reason. I can have just as good a time sober as I can after a couple of beers.
I'm also an angry drunk, as little factual sense as that statement makes. (beer doesn't make you angry, I know)
Like I said, though, it's not as if I'm socially inept. I know how to have a good time, I talk and listen to people, people seem to enjoy my company. Except when it comes to after school/the weekends. Then they won't even spare 20 minutes to go grab a cup of coffee.
http://www.arfenhaus.com
http://arfenhaus.blogspot.com
It's just something that takes time.
I have also made friends with friends SO's. I am really close to some females that I went to high school with, and they would always invite me out, you run into their boyfriends, find out they like the same stuff as you, and now I am considered by this guy to be nearly his best friend, and I have really only known him like five years, but he had so much trouble making friends.
Just kinda go with the flow.
Don't avoid religious groups unless you really can't stand them. Just because an organization has a religious bent or religious mission doesn't mean they'll crucify you for being a nonbeliever. Do make sure not to poop on people who believe however.
Take some side courses, join a club or three, look for hangouts or stores or locations that cater to a group activity interest (gaming stores, bike shops, specialty novel sections, whatever).
As for dating, I have trouble believing you're nice, sane, mellow, attractive, reasonable, and have been turned down for even a single date by thirty consecutive women. I suspect that you're either grossly exaggerating the problem or you do have some turn-off feature that is keeping all these women away. Desperation tends to drive potential dates away like nothing else, so maybe take a few weeks or months "off" and relax, re-focus yourself. Its also possible that you're incredibly unlucky. Consider, like the above re: socializing, looking for more dating-oriented locations. You can always try looking online.
I am a little concerned that you mention your atheism and your refusal to attend religious groups. That may be a reasonable course of action, especially depending on which groups you are avoiding, but do make sure you aren't using atheism as a wedge to avoid social interaction. There's nothing wrong with your set of beliefs, but I've known many, many atheists who insisted on letting the world know how they felt (and often how stupid anyone was for disagreeing with them). That's more akin to douchebaggery, and a good way to keep people of any belief structure away from you. Not saying this is your condition, but you do share a few warning signs, so perhaps reflect a bit to ensure your beliefs aren't driving others away from you.
As far as DnD and religious people are concerned...need I reiterate that I'm in LOUISIANA. Even the non-religious people condemn atheists. I seriously never make a point of it unless someone asks, but I won't lie to them when they do. They just don't like the truth, no matter how much I try to play it down, or say "yeah but it's not a big deal, it's not a major part of my life." People HATE anti-God people here. I do have a DnD group, but it took me 3 months to find it, and it consists of a 34 year old single guy, and a 30 year old married couple. Great people, just...older. Don't get me wrong, older people can be cool too.
My main beef here isn't that I want friends or a girlfriend, but moreso that I want to actually enjoy college, not want to get through it. I want to be able to sit my future son or daughter down on my lap 10 or however many years from now, flip through old pictures and say, "see, Daddy had fun at college and he got a great education."
http://www.arfenhaus.com
http://arfenhaus.blogspot.com
The funnest classes I ever took in college were the ones to just fill the full time requirement when they weren't offering anything major or minor related in that semester. Actually there was one that was fun that I had to take it was on religions of the world and this bible thumper guy took it for whatever reason and would argue with the teacher every day about how he shouldn't be telling us about all these lies, I cracked up every day in there. I think the teacher failed that guy too, Im not sure.
Maybe I should clarify myself...again. I am not the one who is saying "no, I don't want that person to be my friend". It's the other way around. I don't give a crap if the person is a diehard catholic "you'll burn in hell for wearing short shorts" kind of person, as long as they are friendly. I am open to being friends with absolutely anyone. That's not the problem here.
Please people, get off the religion thing, I'm not attacking you or your beliefs, I'm asking for your help on a totally separate issue.
http://www.arfenhaus.com
http://arfenhaus.blogspot.com
How about joining a sport society? They are not religious, and every university has lots. They tend to organize social meets for people to get to know each other, and you can bond over the sport.
Also, like you, I don't drink. And whether you like it or not, it's def. not the norm to be in college and not drink.
I think it's obvious I'm angry right NOW, probably because 1. I just spent the weekend alone, doing exactly nothing, and 2. because goddamnit I ALREADY SAID I'VE TRIED THE CLUBS. Sorry. But damn, READ man.
@anoffday
I totally know it's not "the norm" (whatever the fuck that means these days) to be in college and not drink. What I'm trying to explain is that I've been doing my damnedest to not make that another barrier to cross. I have happily offered to DD, or hell even host a BYOB party at my smashing pad. But nooooo, no one wants to fuckin come, like it's some skin off their back to hang out with someone new for a change.
In high school, here's how we made friends: "Hey guys, this is ____, she/he is in my ______." "Hey____!" And BAM they were a friend. I had a group of about 20-30 friends that hung out ALL the time. Some of them were highly religious, a couple of them did drugs. It didn't matter, friends are friends are friends. But now, there's some kind of anti-newguytogroup thing going around. It's honestly pretty friggin stupid on their part, but I bite my tongue.
http://www.arfenhaus.com
http://arfenhaus.blogspot.com
Someone just lock this thread. You people turned out to be friggin useless. You repeated the same lame ass advice 5 fucking times. You call me angry, yes I'm angry! It's like talking to fucking Dell customer service, y'all sound like y'all are reading from a goddamn manual! "College social problems- See: Clubs, volunteer, drink beer."
Just FYI, I'm usually very even tempered until I encounter numbnutedness. No that's not a word.
Stuck up? Really? Do you even realize WHAT THE FUCK THAT MEANS? If you had said "wound up", yes, I could see that. But stuck up? So all of a sudden I've become a high class "you're not good enough for me" pompous ass despite everything in this thread to the CONTRARY?
If you do not have anything constructive to say, shut the fuck up. I'm serious. I know it's the internet, these threats are meaningless, but goddamnit shut the fuck up.
If I could bottle up your stupidity, weaponize it into projectile form, I could make the world's IQ drop 50 fucking points.
Oh yes, PLEASE ban this account. I dare you. I would make me laugh just to see the admins defend your stupidity. Oh, I know you've helped other people on here with there computer problems, or their dating questions or some shit like that, but if someone pipes up with a legitimate unsolvable mystery, and you can't think of anything to say other than what someone else has already said and I've responded to, then MOVE YOUR HAND AWAY FROM THE KEYBOARD AND FUCKING CLICK "BACK".
Also, Elimination, there is nothing more lonely than going to a club by yourself to dance (unless you're picking up chicks), other than maybe going to a movie by yourself on a packed Friday night to a premiere.
http://www.arfenhaus.com
http://arfenhaus.blogspot.com
No, I'm not going to study abroad, but I am going backpacking in Europe for a month during the summer. I've been wanting to visit Rome and Paris since forever.
I'm also going to go to New Zealand at some point and see if they reproduce by singing folk-parody songs.
http://www.arfenhaus.com
http://arfenhaus.blogspot.com
Cut out insulting people who try to help you. Maybe you'll make friends then.
Hey. Hey you. The one who doesn't know how to read. Shut the fuck up.
http://www.arfenhaus.com
http://arfenhaus.blogspot.com
People don't like self centered assholes. You're acting like one. You make a thread about trying to make friends, people give very similar advice, and then you jump down their throats for it not being a magical mystery cure for your friendlessness?
Seriously, how could someone not take that as you being an asshole. Do you act like this in real life? If so, that may be your problem.
and yeah, the standard advice is a bit trying but bear with it, it's ok.
do you have any hobbies other than DnD? also, you could always join one of the religious clubs, i went to a few and just avoided the topic of whether or not i believe in god. let them think you're considering it, get out, have some fun.
if you don't like that idea, which i admit would annoy me a bit too, pick up a hobby and see if the city center offers classes on it, or just look up if they do classes. i made friends in martial arts classes, and some people i know made friends in dance/guitar lessons offered relatively cheaply in the city center.
Belruel, thanks for being a little more understanding than DoR. I do have alot of hobbies, I rock climb, I'm an artist so I paint and draw alot at the schools studios. I have tried to do the religious group thing, I actually roomed with a very heavy catholic during the hurricanes, and he spent the entire two weeks I was there while my power was out preaching to me. Not what I'd call fun.
I used to do martial arts every Sunday, which was real fun, and I'm looking to pick it up for myself again, but meeting people there turned out to be pointless, as it was alot of old people trying to not die as fast
Like I've said, I'm not a shut in, I'm just hitting every pothole it seems.
http://www.arfenhaus.com
http://arfenhaus.blogspot.com
Do you ever think that you might be trying too hard? I am not quite sure if that makes any sense at all. But I know if I am talking to someone who really wants/needs me to be a friend I get quite intimidated/annoyed at it.
It's hard to tell whether or not you're "trying too hard" because we only see you from your posts, you know? But maybe it's that or you intimidate people. Are you buff, wear tight shirts to show off your manliness? I dunno, I'm grasping at straws here since most everything else has been said.
so if you can, take a big ole pad of paper outside and do some gesture drawings or something fun; at worst, you get to have an entertaining day doing what you like, at best you meet some fun people who maybe will want to go get coffee or something.
How is the town? Is it a college college town, where everything is centered around the college? Is it a party college town, where you can't walk down the streets on a friday night without finding a house party? If so, maybe try crashing a party, just not drinking, and hanging out with some drunk folks. Even if you're not invited it'll give you something to do and allow you to be around people in a social atmosphere.
And about me saying you're an asshole... this is H&A. If people are at least trying to help you (even if it's the same advice someone else already gave) you should at least have the courtesy to not jump down their throats. Not everyone has enough time to read through the entire thread. They read the first post, and try to jump in to help. Yelling at them for that isn't going to make you any friends here or make people here want to give you advice that will help you out there.
you're in a rough place arfen, you could always become a really heavy poster on a forum, hahaha, i know that i have made some great friends here, many of whom i hang out with in person as well now. though i doubt there is as large a base of people in the forums for Louisiana as there is for LA
I didn't know so many Buddhist monks hung out on the PA forums.
Anyway, it's tough making friends at college when you don't drink, do drugs, aren't in a fraternity/sorority, and don't have any room mates.
The friends I met at my uni, my first year, by hanging out in the Comp Sci. labs and installing Unreal Tournament on the computers, playing it, and eventually being asked to get some LAN UT gaming going by the other geeks who also hung out in labs. This was before my uni started keeping a decent eye on what was going on in the labs. I also had some people introduced to me by a friend who was going to the same uni. Eventually, most of the people I met dropped out, though. Too much Unreal Tournament and not enough programming, I guess.
Later, met a bunch of people at my campus job that I have now. Also, I meet people by just talking to random people in class, or by being funny or knowing what-the-fuck I'm doing when it comes to assignments and then helping people who don't have a clue.
I will say, though, that some people, every once in a great while, just give me the cold shoulder and don't want to be talked to. I chalk it up to "it's not me; they're just assholes." If you try to be friendly and people brush you off then the hell with them. Don't walk around with a "people don't talk to me because I'm a loser" attitude or anything. Most people, though, will react positively to being talked to because they're thinking the same thing you are "Man, I wish I had more friends or someone to talk to right now" even if they already have friends. People are social, our society just teaches us to build walls rather than bridges.
Anyway, you could always just be in a social-shit-hole of a university and be completely fucked. Sometimes you're just surrounded by people so dissimilar from yourself that there's nothing you can do. That kinda sounds like your problem. Non-religious, don't drink, play D&D - you've pretty much eliminated your common ground with most of the U.S. population right there. Nothing wrong with that, though. You just have to be prepared to not have a metric fuck-ton of friends. People like familiarity and, to probably quite a lot of people you'll meet in Louisianan, you're "the other."
One thing is that generally, there's a big difference between desperately searching for people to hang out with and being some one people want to hang out with. Maybe you are projecting loneliness rather than someone who looks content in their life and involved with their interests. If you're tired of being in, go out. Go to a book store, go to a cafe or something. I'm not saying you'll make friends, but you wont be anxious and isolated. You may be in a social dry spell, but if you get frustrated and bitter it will eventually encompass your personality and people will sense it. The best thing is to stay friendly, be open and optimistic, and get invested in activties you genuinely love outside of your house.
Doesn't help me so much on the female front though. Any advice there? Sorry about hijacking your thread a bit Arfenhouse... as I have similar problems I don't know how valuable my advice might be to you.
If you have as short of a temper as you've demonstrated here in real life it's kinda a no brainer why no one wants to hang out with you though, my advice is to maybe work on that first. Pretty much don't act like you're acting in this thread.
Any ways, good luck.
I'm exactly the same, and it's never been an issue for me.
Also keep in mind that at any given party you are probably quite unlikely to be the only non-drinker there.
Maybe being a giant dick is why you have no friends....just a thought.
How you blew up in those last couple of posts was really telling. You have anger issues. Be honest with us and tell us the truth. If you are the charismatic, game-spittin, handsome, friendly individual that you claim you are, you would be having zero problems making friends. Is it perhaps because you judge people way too quickly? I know first impressions mean a lot, but people can grow on you over time. Give people a chance.
Or is it that they won't give you the chance? I knew this kid who came to college for one year and then left because he had no real friends after that one year. We gave him chances for sure, but he was a pathological liar and would make things pretty awkward sometimes. It seemed like he was just too desperate. Like he almost needed a friend.
I'm not saying you're this kid, but I thought this might be pertinent.
I'm done now.
o_O:|
Honestly, I don't know the OP at all, so I honestly don't think it's fair to make these sort of snap judgments, especially since he's already admitted that he's frustrated.
When I transferred to my university all those years ago, I moved in with roommates, and thank God I did. While one of my roommates was an old HS friend, the others were just girls who found me less creepy than any other guy who came by to check the place out. Once school started, I tried making friends in classes, but like in your experience Arfenhouse, nobody really seemed interested in meeting somebody, in class, two years into their degree. I also hung out a bit with the transfer club, but I found the mix of people WAY too diverse, and unlike the dorm experience, nobody was forced to share space nor were they sharing that general first exposure to freedom. Some of the transfers were clingy and overeager, I guess, and the transfers that I could see myself hanging out with quickly dropped out of the transfer scene never to be seen again. And then so did I.
But as I said, I had roommates. They were very nice, chill people, we had lots of fun together and I met other people through them.
I did notice among the transfers that those who insisted on getting their own place often did seem the most lonely - which I think makes plenty of sense. Living completely alone is just not cool. It may sound fun, but it only is if you already have an extended network of friends and acquantances to hang out with. Later on in my life, my apartment became the go-to place for most of the guys I knew who lived alone - to the point that they spent much more time there than in their own place. They could've saved a lot of money if they just roomed with me in the first place.
So that's my simple advice. Either get some roommates, or find a place that needs one. Shop around - there's nothing forcing you to live with someone that seems off to you (but sometimes that first impression can be deceiving). In the long run it's a great experience and it'll save you money too.