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Missing an Ex?
Penguin_Otaku
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
I don't see why I would. She tormented me and made my life hell. My friends and myself have noticed how much happier I am without her in my life. We only broke up about three weeks ago and I haven't talked to her since. I removed her from a friend on facebook and deleted her number. I haven't talked to her or tried to talk to her. The last thing I said was over facebook and say, "Hey. I really enjoyed some parts of this but this is it. Bye."
Then removed her. We'd already broken up so don't think I ditched her like that.
Anyway, I'm sure you guys were able to tell from other threads how terrible she made me feel. So again this is a positive but I do find myself checking her profile occasionally and I see she's all happy and what not. I expected this because I knew despite all the "I Love You"s, they were really empty and they were and she hollowed me out and broke me and put me through more than anyone else has. She made me appreciate life more because I saw that she took it from me.
Anyway, looking at her profile I see her making all these plans and what not with a friend who she didn't really care for when we were together but as soon as we broke up she's BFF with her and jersey-chasing our basketball players. The latter kinda hurts for whatever reason but this, again, is something I'm happy to be out of. I saw that between someone she keeps saying how, "I'm in love." "This person is amazing." So on, so forth.
We dated off and on for a year. The longest relationship she's ever had. And a few weeks after we break up she's found the love of her life? I feel used.
On the other side I knew about halfway through the relationship that I wanted to be back with my ex and now I am. I am very happy and thankful and there are all kinds of great emotions that well in me when I am with her. I stayed with this other girl because I knew I couldn't be with my first ex.
I don't know. Please help me rationalize this... angry feeling I get. Is it childish immaturity or something else that's equally petty?
Then removed her. We'd already broken up so don't think I ditched her like that.
Anyway, I'm sure you guys were able to tell from other threads how terrible she made me feel. So again this is a positive but I do find myself checking her profile occasionally and I see she's all happy and what not. I expected this because I knew despite all the "I Love You"s, they were really empty and they were and she hollowed me out and broke me and put me through more than anyone else has. She made me appreciate life more because I saw that she took it from me.
Anyway, looking at her profile I see her making all these plans and what not with a friend who she didn't really care for when we were together but as soon as we broke up she's BFF with her and jersey-chasing our basketball players. The latter kinda hurts for whatever reason but this, again, is something I'm happy to be out of. I saw that between someone she keeps saying how, "I'm in love." "This person is amazing." So on, so forth.
We dated off and on for a year. The longest relationship she's ever had. And a few weeks after we break up she's found the love of her life? I feel used.
On the other side I knew about halfway through the relationship that I wanted to be back with my ex and now I am. I am very happy and thankful and there are all kinds of great emotions that well in me when I am with her. I stayed with this other girl because I knew I couldn't be with my first ex.
I don't know. Please help me rationalize this... angry feeling I get. Is it childish immaturity or something else that's equally petty?
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But it's not healthy, dude. You want to get back to the good part of your life, right? You seem to have started to make a clean break (facebook, phone #s, etc.), now finish it all the way. If she was that nasty, the best thing you can do is to make it part of your past, something that doesn't affect your life the way it is now.
Yeah, stop doing this. I know the temptation is there (I've been there, we probably all have) but if you can manage to stop checking up on her then you can't possibly feel hurt or angry about what she's doing.
The advice given thus far is golden, especially if she (and to the same level YOU) aren't the type to continue a strictly FRIENDLY relationship. But don't feel bad about missing her. You spend a lot of time with this person, you WILL miss them. It's gonna take time, and, like mentioned above, space between you and her.
LoL: BunyipAristocrat
Ending the relationship itself was fine. It was the 4 months afterward of "friendship" that fucked me over. Just like you, for three weeks after we broke up both of us were heart-broken and being distant and at the same time very close. She sent me all those signs that showed she was hurt (i.e. sending an mp3 of a song her band was covering at the time...like a hurt romantic song) and like a naive sheep I basked in the attention and tried to get as much of it as I could.
Then she went to McGill to visit her cousins, met a guy at a club far more attractive (in all senses of the word) than I could ever be and rebounded instantly. And so began two months of the manipulative behavior, her trying to get me to notice her new lover. I was head over heels for weeks so I kept in touch with her, hoping for one more visit or one more phone call. Meanwhile I blocked out her not-so-subtle words about Mr. Exotic stoically until one day she pushed the envelope a bit too far and I fuckin' lost it and reamed her out (a highly entertaining story but I won't go into it here unless someone wants to hear it). And yet we still remained friends.
The last I heard from her, midway through the summer, she messaged me cheerily on msn and asked how I was doing and we made small talk. It was nice, actually. Then a few weeks later I thought "I haven't talked to her in a while", and lo and behold, she's blocked me on facebook, msn, the whole works.
I saw her on campus a few times this year; physically ran into her once in September (passing each other on the street, which makes for a huge conversation consisting of "Hi."), and that was that. It's very awkward. I haven't seen her in months. I would not be surprised if she transferred to McGill halfway through the year to be with this other dude.
Long story short, unless it's known from the get go that it is 100% possible to be friends with an ex afterwards, you're going to have to distance yourself. Do it. Force yourself to NOT look at her facebook profile. Just get away from her. It will help you so much in the long run. Don't keep hung up on her like I did.
I learned a ton about myself from that relationship, and I've fixed a lot of it for the better. I learned a ton about her too; it still amazes me to this day that someone so intelligent and gorgeous and kind could be so manipulative and inconsiderate underneath the surface. I've never wanted to be "that jaded guy", and I'm not. I'm not bitter. But for a three month relationship...I mean I STILL think about what I want to say to her. How I feel about her behavior and wishing that we could talk about it one more time. What does that say about my willpower and emotional investment?
Cut yourself off from the teat entirely while you still can.
p.s. also I was making some allusion in this grandiose story to the fact that, yeah, it really sucks when an ex rebounds onto someone. it sucks even more when they STAY with that person. and they really seem to be better for them than you ever were. I'm just saying...I've been there.
You know you have to tell it now.
Or I could also suggest opening your HOSTS file and doing this:
facebook.com 127.0.0.0
Oh psh, it's not THAT exciting, but I can't even describe to you guys how angry I was.
This was easily two months after we broke up, and there had already been all sorts of hinting on her part about the relationship she was in. Would mention how she enjoyed her little weekend trips to Montreal. Once randomly asked if I had ever been in a long distance relationship and what I thought of them in general. A few other weird things she said that I can't quite remember. Also I swear there must be some sort of algorithm on Facebook that pushes all your ex's wall posts and relationship status stories to the top of the news feed priority list after you break up with them. So naturally I was a bit testy.
I'll get all emo for the rest of the day if I go find the exact transcript in my msn logs, so for now let's paraphrase this and say this happened mid March...we were talking on MSN, and she said to me totally randomly:
k: grrr I want sex.
me: i think we all do, lol
k: it's been ages, haha [i had absolutely no idea what to say after this]
me: uhhh well i seem to recall a certain vibrator you liked the look of way back in november at the health center
k: nah it's okay
k: i'll be getting some soon enough
k: haha
At which point I lost it and told her I didn't give a fuck about her boyfriend from Paris (which was a total lie) and I yelled at her for a good twenty minutes. Then we proceeded to have an adult discussion about it for the next hour and talked about our relationship and I got to hear a few of her feelings that I hadn't before. It ended quite amicably actually.
That's the sad part, she just had (has?) so many desirable qualities, if both of us were a few years older, I think that would be a killer relationship. I would've matured, she would've matured, and it would be great. Too bad she's still a bitch.
okay so I may be in a similar situation
I like you zushiba...just make sure you disclaimer any advice you give on this particular subject!
I only recently deleted my ex of about 8 months (on and off for 1.5 years, but we always had feelings for one another) at the beginning of January, and it's been so, so much easier to move on without seeing the stupid shit she's doing now in her statuses, being fake to her friends she told me she hated, etc. The sad part is all I remember are the good things when there were so many more bad things. I'm over her in the sense I don't want to date her again, and I love my girlfriend right now. But I still miss my old one sometimes... the closure was so complicated and unfulfilling.
But to really sum this up, the two things that helped - and are helping - me get over most are 1.) Giving it time and 2.) Removing her from Facebook. It seems trivial, but it really isn't. Just delete her and block her so you can't view her page. Do it sooner rather than later. All that will come from it is jealousy and even nostalgia.
Getting her off of your Facebook truly does get her off of your mind, because she won't come up in it otherwise.
Well, shitty thing is, you won't necessarily get it. In fact, I would go so far to say that most breakups in my experience do not end with a measured and appropriate accounting for things, but instead leave behind unanswered hate and anger, not to mention just plain old heartbreak and loneliness.
The only thing you can do is protect yourself, because remember, at this point it's no longer their duty to look after your feelings.
And to specifically answer P_O's question, you don't need to rationalize the anger. Someone hurt you and they've moved on with their life and have probably forgotten about you. It's okay to be angry. The issue comes up when you keep checking up on her and finding more reasons to be angry. You're doing it to yourself. It sounds like you did a good job at first, removing any temptation to contact her. Just follow through. I know it can seem wrong just cutting someone out of your life so you don't have to think about them, but it's just about the only way to stop hurting. Over time, it will get better. Time heals all wounds.
My thing, as Vogonity touched on, is rationalizing this. I don't like being mad at people or anything like that. I don't want to hold this against her... but at the same time I know she really fucked me over so... ya.
It's okay to be mad at someone who has hurt you, but it's easy to stop. You just forget about them.
You've moved on with your life, yeah? You've removed the possible lines of communication with her. You're dating someone else.
All you have to do is live your life.
That doesn't mean you have to hold a grudge or some bullshit. Maybe a few years down the line she gets a hold of you and wants to be friends and apologize and what not. It's happened to me a few times. And then you can be gracious and nice and all those things you want to be towards people.
But now is not that time.
If you want to stop being angry you have to stop thinking about the object of your anger. You have all of the means at your disposal. All you have to do is do it.
Cm'on champ, you can do it!
One thing I'm worried about really is that with my current girlfriend (high school sweetheart) I'll keep being gun shy of situations because of my relationship with this other girl. I don't want her to hurt me anymore than I already have and I'm not sure how to keep her from damaging what looks to be a pretty good ting in the long run,
Youa re just going to have to catch yourself and be strict on yourself