The new forums will be named Coin Return (based on the most recent vote)! You can check on the status and timeline of the transition to the new forums here.
The Guiding Principles and New Rules document is now in effect.
3 date rule?
KeyScourge
__BANNED USERS regular
__BANNED USERS regular
I've been out of the loop about dating and all that sort of stuff for ages, but with my first real date ever approaching, I'm forced to inquire about this. Is it still the same as what I got told? That the first date is a simple kiss, the second date is a full-on french kiss and that the third date is sex?
Or have I got it totally wrong. Please lemme know so if I am wrong I don't end up looking like a moron by trying to lay one on him at the end of the date
Or have I got it totally wrong. Please lemme know so if I am wrong I don't end up looking like a moron by trying to lay one on him at the end of the date
KeyScourge on
0
Posts
At the end of the day it comes down to what you feel, and how you sense your future dates (or possible relationship, or what) being. If you don't want to kiss him at the end of the date then don't. If you want to get a bit more intimate then he may well not object.
@gamefacts - Totally and utterly true gaming facts on the regular!
Read the atmosphere - it should not be especially hard.
What usually works for me personally is if I feel like there's good chemistry, you're both having a good time and a quiet moment comes...just keep friendly eye contact and smile a little - if they say "what?" say, "nothing" keep smiling and move your head toward them slowly and gently tilt your head to the side - if they don't get a look on their face saying "wtf are you doing" or better yet, start moving toward you, you should be fine.
Decide for yourself what you are comfortable with and what you would like to do, if that boils down to this "3 date rule" you describe then that is perfectly fine, but if you'd rather go about it in a different way then there is absolutely nothing "totally wrong" about that. It's love, not a spreadsheet.
But put 'em all together and average them out, you end up around 3 dates.
The salient bit to take away from the idea of the three date rule is that it's about establishing boundaries--the way it goes isn't that you must have sex after date #3, but that you won't have sex before date #3. Knowing what your personal boundaries are is a good thing. You shouldn't feel compelled to have them imposed on you by someone else (even an anonymous purveyor of rules--if you wanna screw around after one or two dates, don't let anyone else stop you) but if you don't feel comfortable with the thought of sleeping with someone after one date, that's a fine rule to follow.
Personally, I have a "no one night stands" rule. Is it artificial and contrived? Oh, hell yes. But it's not bullshit--I simply don't want to be a guy who has a lot of one night stands, I prefer meeting people and developing relationships with them. So if a girl offers sex when I first meet her, I'll ask for a phone number and a date instead. It helps me preserve my boundaries and also signals to women what I'm comfortable with and what I'm looking for. It's helpful.
But I just wanted to reinforce that the idea of rules is pretty silly. I think, however, you should have a general idea of how far you are willing to take things/be taken going into things. It can be based on whatever you want to base it on (morals, fears, peers, horniness, etc) but make sure that you're comfortable with it. Also, don't be afraid to be spontaneous, improve, and go with the flow... dates should be fun, so make sure you have fun! (Don't let some strict idea of holding to your previous guesses for how the night will go hold you back from enjoying yourself.)
As a rule.
That's probably the most descriptive thing I've ever read concerning that particular issue.
Your last two or three threads have shown that you're still pretty emotionally insecure, you really shouldn't be jumping in headfirst into a sexual relationship.
But, if it happens it happens. Like said already, these rules are bullshit. I just started seeing a girl and slept with her on the second date, which happened to be only 4 days after I met her. It's not usually how I roll, but it just happened.
If you can't tell if it's appropriate to go for it, then it's not the right time.
I can has cheezburger, yes?
The same approach has worked with sex. Just flat out ask--there's no ambiguity, and normally it's funny enough to lighten the mood.
I've never really been in a dating situation where I wanted to turn down kisses or sex, so I can't help you there if that's what you want.
There are no situations where you are required to sleep with someone. It is always a choice. If the other person is trying to take away your choice, get away from them by any means necessary.
Regarding sex, most of my relationships started with sex of some form or another within the first 2-4 dates, sometimes on the first date (I personally count oral, anal, and mutual masturbation as sex, BTW). If you're really attracted each other, and neither of you has major hangups, there's no reason not to do it (even if you do something like mutual masturbation if you're worried about diseases).
I'll admit to both, but I've found that the regret from chickening out feels a lot worse and hurts for a lot longer than the regret from taking the plunge.
the "no true scotch man" fallacy.
Thats basically what I do and it works well enough. I'm a fan of "How hard am I going to get slapped if I kiss you?"
That's pretty silly.
Also, there are no girls here. KeyScourge is a guy having a date with a guy.
Do peoples' desires enter into your process at any point?
As far as sex, I don't think you should ascribe any sort of expected timeline to that.
meh, it's a loose plan that hinges on the assumption that both parties are interested. Girls like being chased, guys like to chase.
You're probably gonna get smashed for this one, just fyi. That's a gross oversimplification at best, an ugly stereotype at worst.
And what exactly do you think your post contributes to the discussion?
Both of you drop it.
NotYou, stop posting in this thread until after you've grown up and have adopted the habit of reading threads before replying to them.
All of that aside, there's no rule about when to have sex, but if you haven't kissed a bit and you're past the second date, things may not be going well. Just sayin', don't rush into it (especially if you're only doing it because you think you're "supposed" to!) but if you feel some physical attraction/interest, express at least a small bit of that in a physical manner so that the other party clues in that you're interested. Otherwise you might find that they move on because they didn't think you were that into it.
CUZ THERE'S SOMETHING IN THE MIDDLE AND IT'S GIVING ME A RASH
To quote from the series coupling 'girls always have the upperhand in a starting relationship because they are the ones that know when you will be having sex.
Having said all that some people do the no sex before marriage thing so maybe its best to talk about it? or use the two steps forward one step back. Do something like shift a hand ever so slightly and stop, and see if she or he starts to reciprocate towards wanting more.
This is correct - there is no unwritten rulebook on these kinds of things. Just try and enjoy yourself and use your head. There's too fast and too slow and the only way you're going to know what the happy medium is is to gain experience in finding out. Seeing some of your previous threads and posts though, KeyScourge, you may want to try and go a little more on the slower side of things at first... you seem to be a tad on the... impetuous side. :winky:
They're both good ideas. Think I'll go for the "How much of a smack will I get if I kiss you?" one though and hope I don't actually get smacked. :winky:
Or you can drop the cutesy bullshit and just kiss him or her.
You're talking about (presumably) engaging with another human being, its not paint by numbers.
This may be the case, or it may be that both parties are shy.
In all of my real relationships, there's always been a very clear physical progression as the date progressed. Casual touches, then some hand holding. If you're interested in him and don't know if he reciprocates, just be lightly physical in this manner. If he seems receptive, a kiss will probably be well received. And if he doesn't seem receptive, it's not a big deal, because touching his shoulder and holding his hand are not major issues.
Basically, try to be physical and see how he responds. If well -> smoochy smoochy. If not well -> try again next date. It requires you be somewhat attentive to his reactions, of course, so if you're an emotional retard it may not work as well.
And as for shuttling the Rule, I got my girlfriend in college nekkid on our first date, and had my hand up my wife's shirt on our first, and both those relationships lasted (or are currently lasting) years.
I know you're not strictly disagreeing but I'm a disagreeable sort, so:
That's why I said "may" and went on to suggest that he should find some way to express his interest in a physical manner if he has any, so that his partner will not assume there is none.
Also, it could be suggested that if two people are on a date and are physically attracted to each other but neither are willing to overcome the shyness to express this in any way, that said relationship is probably not meant to be. That may be overly pessimistic, but I do not think it an unreasonable suggestion.
CUZ THERE'S SOMETHING IN THE MIDDLE AND IT'S GIVING ME A RASH
I'd agree with this. I used to be pretty shy when I was younger, which made some of my attempts at relationships pretty awkward when the other person was shy too. We'd go on dates and talk about this and that, but the relationships never progressed anywhere because neither of us knew how to take the next step, and after a few dates it was all over. It's really important to express your attraction, if it's there.
These days my "rule" is to try to get the guy into bed and out of his clothes as soon as possible. I find that the whole getting to know each other part is much more relaxed when you've already had sex, and in fact all my long term relationships started with sex on the first date.